Sexpectations can be stressful, right? Recently, designer and your royal flyness, Melody Ehsani dropped a new tee for the 2016 and let's just say the PSA couldn't have "come" at a better time.
The O.G. curator of dope things, from cool accessories to limited edition Reebook sneakers, peeled back from any elaborate designs this time, opting instead to let her limited words do the big talking. Choosing a classic white crew neck, the word "PORN" can be seen etched into the shirt's chest. The back, however, goes on to elaborate:
"Dudes out here expect you to do a cartwheel and land on their dick. Bro, FOH! --M.E."
Ahh, simplici-tee at its finest!
Melody also goes deeper into the tee's description, breaking down the meaning and inspiration behind the shirt, regarding the distorted lines that separates computer love from real lovemaking:
"Porn isn't what it was. The stakes keep getting higher and with technology making it so accessible, It's become an epidemic of sorts for many reasons. In this era most males are getting their first intro to sexual education by watching porn. We feel this has created some distortion. Sex is sacred, powerful and should always be about mutuality. Lets talk about it! P.S. If you can do a cartwheel more power to you!"
If this isn't the truth! And per Mel's suggestion to "talk about it," we're going to do just that!
The reality is, like most things taken in excess, porn can lead to unrealistic expectations for sex. And unfortunately in 2016, hardcore pornography can be accessed by nearly any and everyone, dangerously confusing perception for reality to the young and sexless.
Parental control settings for web browsing is a joke and everyone has a phone with internet these days, anyways. And let's not forget that social media is practically soft-core porn within itself. We're all just a hashtag away from clicking into a "Titty Tuesday," "Eggplant Friday," or a "Sweet P***y Saturday," as deemed by rapper Plies.
So what does all the sensationalizing mean? Well for one, for those growing up in the computer era, it allows more and more young women to be viewed (as well as view themselves) as objects and not goddesses. And frankly baby girl, your body is a temple. It should be sanctified, not objectified. Even as adult women many of us know this, yet still tend to forget. So imagine how much harder it is to believe in your exclusivity when you're watching graphic porn in HD, as young as the average age of 10 to 13.
Porn places pressures on both male and females, especially unsuspecting ones, in a few ways:
1. Distorted Male Body Images: the idea that the size of a male's member is the leading factor in measuring your pleasure. When in reality, camera angles play a huge role in how a penis looks on a monitor. Not to mention, it's not always fair to lose interest based on inches.
2. Distorted Female Body Images: The same goes for women feeling like they need to be insanely curvaceous and have fake breasts and/or butts in order to be desired. All shapes are beautiful, and your partner should love and cherish you as is!
3. Party of 3: Sex between two people is so 90's... according to porn these days. Pornography will have you thinking that a party of two just won't do, and that casually throwing in a third person is clutch for a climax. But not so fast. Sex is a beautiful bonding of the bodies and a very personal act. Unless this is something you and your partner both agree to, no woman should feel pressured into inviting someone else into their bed. Just ask our relationship writer, sometimes less is more when you're trying to score. And the extra sweat isn't worth the regret.
4. Inserting Anything, Anywhere: In porn, using foreign objects is seen as the norm. However, when it comes to toys and sex games, there are dangers in product placement- so be careful. A 2014 sex-surveyvia Reddit showed that the majority of the 100 women surveyed did not prefer being "probed" with objects during sex with their man, no matter how erotic porn makes it look. Sometimes the real deal "D" is all she needs, along with some phenomenal foreplay of course.
5. Duration: Pornography is a movie- literally. And most of us know this. However, something about trying to "recreate" a movie seems to be goals for those going at it in the bedroom. Especially when you're young and impressionable. Truth is, after foreplay, the actual act of sex can last a anywhere between a satisfactory 3 to 7 minutes. Don't believe us? Peep how "Most women are here for 5 minute sex."
All in all, it's okay to watch a good movie but it's important to know the difference between pause and play. The dangers of such explicit exposure for most adolescent and teen introduction to intercourse, is that it is much less a setup for a healthy sex life later, than it is a disaster. Long gone are the days where the "first time" was once portrayed in movies by high school seniors who, although inexperience, at least had enough sense to keep it sensible and sensual more than anything.
Even rapper J.Cole recounted losing his virginity in his track, "Wet Dreamz," where he rapped a few lines about his first time, admitting he felt pressure to satisfy his partner, who herself was a virgin:
I'm hoping that she won't notice it's my first time
I'm hoping that my sh-t is big enough to f-ck with
And most of all I'm praying, "God don't let me bust quick"
I'm watching pornos trying to see just how to stroke right
At the end of the day, Melody's "PORN" tee is pretty neat. No one is saying you can't spice it up in the bedroom, just make sure that the "seasoning" is even-- and that both parties are making it hot! At the end of the day, love making should be a mutual exchange of the minds and bodies, not just a demand from one partner. Sex should be respected more than expected. And it should always, always be consensual!
Get Melody Ehsani's "PORN" tee here! What are your thoughts on it?
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While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
Feature image courtesy
The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Now, while it’s another message for another time that if this type of sex-related craving feels impulsive or out of one’s control, it could be a sign of someone who is leaning into some level of sex addiction; however, that is not what we’re going to unpack today. Today, we’re going to look into what could be going on with you if it seems like, lately, you’ve been having a greater desire for sex, and you can’t quite pinpoint why.
Because, just like, say, a craving for a particular type of food oftentimes reveals something that is going on with you physically or mentally — sex cravings tend to bring certain things to light in those same areas, too.
Let’s dig in…
Hormonal Shifts
GiphyAlthough I don’t have social media accounts, I do tiptoe out there to see what’s going on — and boy, do I roll my eyes whenever I hear folks act like being over 40 is old. SMDH. It’s especially annoying when I hear about it in the context of sex because, believe it or not, there are a lot of late perimenopausal and menopausal women who are “gettin’ theirs” more than some of these 20 and 30-year-olds are (just ask them).
One reason is that the fear of experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, for many, is now in their rearview mirror. Another is because some are taking a form of hormone therapy to treat the changes that their system is going through — and when you’re getting more estrogen, progesterone, and/or testosterone into your body (in order to level things out) — HUNNAY.
For other women, even consuming phytoestrogens (plant-based estrogen) like peaches, garlic, berries, spinach, and cabbage can make them want sex more than when those aren’t a part of their diet. Bottom line here, a shift in your sexual hormones can definitely cause you to desire sex more than you have before (or have in a while).
Ovulation
GiphyBack when I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national non-profit, something that I used to tell “my daughters” all of the time is when you know that you’re ovulating, that’s when you need to be hypervigilant about using wisdom when it comes to the sex-related decisions that you make. I’m thinking that most of you get why: your body was designed to feel its horniest when you’re able to get pregnant — and that is during your time of ovulation.
That’s why it really is a good idea to keep up with your cycle and, if a baby is not something that is on your priority list right now, you either avoid having sex during that time of the month or make sure to use some form of birth control. Chile, even women with low libidos can find themselves wanting to hang off of a chandelier or two when they are ovulating. It’s nature’s way.
A Healthy Diet
GiphyIf you happen to be someone with a sluggish sex drive and you know that you spend most of your time in a drive-thru, there is probably a direct correlation there. No joke. There is plenty of research out in cyberspace to support the fact that a wack diet and low sex drive have a lot in common. While processed foods and unhealthy fats can throw your (sex) hormones off, foods that are filled with zinc, vitamins B12 and D, and iron can ramp up your desire for intimacy.
This is why many people who decide to make a lifestyle change as far as their eating habits are concerned are oftentimes surprised by how much sex is on their minds and how much easier it is for them to orgasm because of it. While a part of it can be due to a boost in their sexual confidence, a lot of it has to do with consuming foods that will literally feed their libido (in a healthy way).
More Exercise
GiphyPlainly put, exercise makes you hornier. Not only does it boost your testosterone levels, (consistently) working out also lowers your stress levels and gives you a boost in the self-esteem department. On top of that, exercise makes you more flexible, builds up endurance, and increases blood circulation which can turn around and intensify your climaxes as a direct result. In fact, this is oftentimes why people will want to have sex right after a workout session.
While we’re here, let me also share that too much of a good thing can end up being counterproductive. What I mean by that is, that although it is wise to exercise on a regular basis, make sure to not overdo it. Something known as overtraining syndrome can result in fatigue, insomnia, and irritability; no one can really have amazing sex when all of that is going on.
Being a Certain Age
GiphyWhile it used to be said that the sexual peak for men is in their teens and for women, it’s in their 30s (some believe it’s because after 35, it’s more challenging for women to get pregnant and so our biological clock plays a role in it all), some research believes that coming to that conclusion isn’t fair because aging affects people differently. For instance, while on one hand, people in their 40s tend to see a dip in their sex hormones, as we’ve already discussed, hormone therapy (for both men and women) can level some of those issues out, if not increase some people’s sex drives altogether.
Adding to that, it should also go on record that some studies indicate that women between the ages of 27-45 actually have a stronger desire — or craving — for sex than women between the ages of 18-26. So honestly, there goes the myth that being younger (automatically) means that you’re hornier. #Elmoshrug
Certain Medications
GiphyIf you used to have a higher sex drive and you’re currently on an antidepressant, that could be why your desire for copulation has decreased. Some studies say that as much as 40 percent of people who are on these types of medication end up having a lower libido (by the way, antihistamines and beta-blockers can have this effect, too).
On the other hand, if you’ve been taking a prescribed drug to increase your sex drive (perhaps like Vyleesi or Addyi), then it would make sense that you may have an increased libido level. Other meds that may have a similar effect include birth control pills (since they alter your hormones), medications that help to treat Parkinson’s disease, along with dopamine-related drugs.
Less Stress
GiphyIf, on the days when you don’t seem to have a care in the world, you also desire sex more than usual, that’s not a coincidence either. Thing is, when you’re all stressed out, that can cause the stress hormone known as cortisol to work overtime and, when that happens, that can end up suppressing your sex hormones which can deplete you of sexual urges. Ironically, there is a flip side to this because when you engage in sexual activity, that actually elevates feel-good (and bonding) hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins, which can also de-stress you.
So basically, if you’re craving sex, you probably aren’t very stressed out (right now), and if you want to stop being stressed out, you probably should have some sex (some protected sex, if you don’t want to be stressed later up the road…if you know what I mean).
Having an Amazing Sex Life
GiphyTo me, this one right here should be a given because when something is both good to and for you, why wouldn’t you want more of it? So yeah, if you have a great sex life with someone, it’s common sense that you’d want to engage in that act with them as much as possible. Hey, not to mention the fact that orgasms activate your brain in a way similar to a drug high does.
So, if while reading this, you’re thinking about sexting your bae to make arrangements to — eh hem — satisfy your craving, I say go for it! To “greatly want” to connect with your partner in order to have some fulfilling and satisfying sex? What in the world could possibly be wrong with that?! Not a damn thing.
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