I fell in love with the show Love Is__ as soon as I heard Nuri, half of the show's couple, ask, "Why can't a woman expect her partner to match her efforts and what she brings to the table... " or something to that effect. I was hooked. I immediately sent the 60-sec video clip to all of my independent but single homies and let them know that there was a new show to add to the roster while Black Love was on hiatus.
I was hyped to finally see a show that spoke to my own feelings about dating in this day and age. You know how it goes, the cycle where you're over-qualified for the position, put in work to heal and find a man but in the midst of his situation, asks you to pause all the ish you have going on to wait for him to get it together. It's not like I had been showing up to the table empty-handed or anything. I arrive drama-free, baggage-free, with my toolbelt in tow, my own business(es), and a renewed heart and mind. I worked on that list and I'm proud of it. Reciprocity, I've learned, is something that I'm just not willing to budge on when it comes to love, relationships, and more importantly, intimate relationships. However, a few episodes in Love Is__, I realized that in true OWN fashion, the show was never created to define love. It was created to begin a dialogue. Sure, Webster has a definition but it looks and feels differently to us all.
To be quite honest - we've all dated a few Yasirs and chile, my series would have been titled Love Is__Not.
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So, full transparency, I was dating a Yasir throughout the course of the first season: Good-looking, kind, caring, and under construction. As an emotional, way too understanding Pisces, it was easy for me to overlook the time we went to eat when he told me the ATM didn't accept his card for some unknown reason on the third date. 'What's $20 that I had laying around in my purse anyway?', I thought. I have trust issues, so I don't leave home unless I have coins for my food and a way home anyway, so it really was no biggie. Another time I overlooked, was when my Yasir showered me with designer perfumes for my birthday, knowing full well that I had seen them in his closet months before in some old bag.
It's safe to say my situation definitely contributed to my obsession with the show. I was curious as to how this young professional could possibly be content long-term with a man whose current place of residence was his ex-girlfriend's house. However, I mentally checked out when Nuri called Yasir's ex to speak with him because that was where he lived at the time. 'Wait, what?' was My exact reaction. While I appreciate that this story is the recreation of Mara Brock Akil's love story and that things worked out in the end - it's important that we understand that Love is not a one size fits all kind of thing.
Given my personal experiences where love is concerned, I just wouldn't be able to overlook that sort of thing. Dude's plate sounds full and I certainly wouldn't be auditioning to be his dessert or anything else. Now I understand Yasir was really freeloading because funds were tight but if the only option the dude I'm dating has is to lay his head at his ex's place, then I'm out. I'm whole and healed, and my insecurities been checked, but what *clap* do *clap* I *clap* look *clap* like? It all comes down to understanding what Love looks like and feels like to you. I skimmed through a book called The 5 Love Languages once - it basically broke down the ways that people generally like to receive love. For some, it may be words of affirmation, for others it may be quality time.
OWN
Nuri's outspoken colleague attempts to remove her rose-colored glasses and fail, her mama tries to get her to see the light and fails. The reason no one can get through to Nuri is because sis knows what she wants and needs and understands that although it doesn't really make sense, Yasir is it. By the end of the Black Love doc, my jaw was on the floor with all that these people put up with in the name of love. That's because it isn't supposed to make sense. I don't mean the type of nonsense that clouds your vision from leaving an abusive situation. I mean the type of nonsense where you don't feel even an ounce of doubt or confusion. It just feels right. While Nuri may have been playing the field whilst getting to know Yasir, she knew from jump that she just couldn't get enough of the way he made her feel, even when it made sense to nobody else BUT her.
I had a conversation with a few of my girls about the show and had an a-ha moment when one of them said to me, "Most relationships lose their glitz and glamor when you start to really learn the things they've put up with to maintain the relationship." I think that before advancing the necessary agenda and narrative that Black Love actually exists, Mara Brock Akil wanted us to know that it doesn't really look like that crap you grew up watching on the movies. The kind where successful man meets successful woman, together they decide to raise a family, have babies, buy the house with the picket fence and all that other jazz. I mean those are usually typical pit stops along the journey but there's a whole lot of cussing, huffing and puffing, sometimes infidelity, infidelity that led to children outside the relationship, and not liking but still loving your partner wrapped up during it all.
The older I get and the more I learn about love, is the more I realize that four letter word just means compromise, forgiveness, understanding, someone that's worth it, and a splash of relentless faith.
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I don't want to burst your bubble (trust and believe, I almost burst my own writing this here post, sis) but no, you probably won't meet this man with all his ducks in a row, bills paid on time, 50% of his down payment saved for his future home with his future wife and family, and all the other must-have requirements you may have on your proverbial checklist. He will be a work in progress with a few chips in his shoulder and a wavering self-esteem - just like you and the rest of us on this beautiful planet. It all comes down to choosing somebody that speaks your love language, warms your heart genuinely, and is honestly as tired of getting it wrong as you are. The dudes that you have to continuously advise on how to love you, why something hurts you, and where they're fucking up...consider them practice. They say you repeat a lesson until you've learned all it had to teach.
They were there to show you what love is...not.
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Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
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I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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