I was raised to believe I was put on this earth with purpose. I was born to do something that no one else on this earth can do and I take pride in knowing that my destiny was already written by an omnipotent source, but ever so often, social media causes me to doubt my journey. The addictive platform that is social media can cause us to lose touch with reality and forget that the path that we forge is our own, and will be unlike anyone else's. It's impossible to arrive safely at your destination when you're swerving in someone else's lane.
Issa Rae is a testament to the fact that your path to success may be unconventional but with conviction, can pay off big time. In a recent interview with GQ, the actress/screenwriter opened up about how her eccentricities turned out to be her biggest assets. There is a typical archetype of black female comedians that Issa doesn't fit into, but that doesn't keep Issa from staying authentic af. She said:
"I do feel like people expect me to be entertaining. And I'm not. I'm not an entertaining person. I don't put on for anybody. I think about someone like Tiffany Haddish, who's just naturally entertaining, who always has a story. And that's just not my lane. I'm always gonna be the shy one."
Although her shy and awkward demeanor steals our hearts time and time again, Issa says that she didn't find confidence in her uniqueness until it was challenged.
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Issa said in the interview that her failed experience on a project with ABC led her to find uncompromising clarity in her voice and define what she genuinely wanted out of her career and life and taught her the most important lesson she lives by now.
"I was just like, Yeah, I have this shot, but I don't want to f*ck it up, so I'm just gonna listen to what everybody says. And I just became like f*cking clay for people to mold. The Shonda process was, like, the best sh*t that happened to me, because it gave me confidence to feel like, 'Oh, I can do this.' And I feel like ABC took the confidence away. Like, I need to know what the f*ck I want to say before I say yes to any opportunity. I need to have a clearer point of view and clear voice."
Can you really expect to get the most out of life when it isn't clear who you are and what you want? Issa reminds us to be clear about your intentions early on your road less taken to success, and during that journey, sometimes you have to fail before you fly.
Since I was 12, my dream has been to become a wildly popular recording artist, and when I scroll on Instagram, sometimes I begin to wonder if this purpose thing is all it's cracked up to be. Recently, a female rapper from my neck of the woods got signed to a well-known record label which admittedly, evoked some jealousy on my part.
Issa Rae Vibes GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphy
My desperate mind was filled with thoughts like: Maybe I haven't gotten signed yet because I suck. They signed her because she's doper than me. I'll never get a big break because I don't make music like other women in my field.
After I finished wallowing in my own self-pity, a lightbulb went off in my head and I understood that I was worrying about everything but what was most important: staying in my own lane. I was swerving all in hers without evaluating the bumps and bruises she acquired on her journey, which most importantly was a lot different than mine.
Yes, our music styles were different, and the label she signed to doesn't even produce the kind of music that I make. Why should I be jealous of her road to success when it's nothing like mine? Without being clear it is about what you really want, with the help of social media, you'll be on an endless journey of keeping up with the Joneses.
Can you really expect to get the most out of life when it isn't clear who you are and what you want? As we go through life, we must carry the torch proudly as we create our own lanes for success. Because no one can do you, like you.
Featured image by Jerod Harris/Getty Images
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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When I came across a way to maximize the pleasure I receive from cunnilingus (already), I had no choice but to tap in. Who knew the key to taking oral sex to new heights was giving it a sideways twist? For those of you who might also be interested in ways to spice up the way you do oral, experience faster and stronger orgasms, or simply want to indulge in something new with your partner, the Kivin Method could definitely be the oral sex technique for you, too.
Keep reading to learn about the method that is sure to have you writhing in ecstasy in no time at all.
What Is The Kivin Method?
For the uninitiated, the Kivin Method is an oral sex technique that focuses on stimulating the clitoris from a different angle. Dubbed “sideways oral” by some, this method involves the action of giving head from a side-to-side movement as opposed to the up-and-down motion that people typically perform when giving head. (If you need a visual, this illustration is helpful.)
The difference in approach as you’re receiving head can be a game-changer in how you receive pleasure. Not only does the giving partner have access to the clitoris, but they can also access more easily the vulva and the labia, which are objectively a bigger focus in this version of cunnilingus. More access means wider coverage, and that, plus the new sensation of oral from a different angle, can heighten the way you experience oral sex that much more.
Where more pleasure flows, intense orgasms are sure to follow.
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How To Do The Kivin Method
If you want to know how to do the Kivin Method, it’s actually pretty straightforward. The receiver lays on their back while the giver positions themselves perpendicular to the receiver. Their head will be facing the vulva, but instead of vertical, their face will be horizontal to the vulva.
From there, the giver can get to business, ensuring that they keep their head perpendicular to the receiver’s vulva while working on their craft. Because this technique can be more intense for some receivers, start slowly by stroking the vulva and clitoris sideways with the tongue, and allow sensations and communication from the receiver to be a guide of what you need more or less of with the Kivin Method.
Ultimately, the Kivin Method allows experimentation and unlocking what pressure, rhythm, and tricks work best for the giver and the receiver. Try implementing a finger or two, or adding a sex toy to the mix to intensify the act even further.
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Featured image by Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
