If you've ever googled Hedonism II, you have likely found message boards wondering if the resort is filled with a bunch of naked people having lots of sex in public. So, when I was invited to experience the resort myself, I was a little apprehensive — but like Shonda Rhimes, I said yes. In my mind, what did I have to lose by packing my bags, jetting off to Jamaica, and spending four days at a clothing-optional resort? Nothing.
Well, except my clothes.
Growing up in Atlanta, I always felt like we were "liberal," but when I look at how I was raised, my parents are very conservative. While I am the most liberal thinker in my family, I recognize that my conservative nature comes out in how I present myself to the world, and how I see my sexuality. The moment I hit puberty, my mom made sure I always wore a slip, a bra, and full panties because I guess anything else would have made me too fast or too grown.
I understand why she did what she did. Her objective was to "make sure I looked like a child" so that grown men wouldn't sexualize me too early and I wouldn't be prone to sexual violence. The sad part is both of those things happened even with me doing all of the right things. As I packed for Hedo, I thought about this a lot, even calling myself a "prude" in conversation with friends when I talked about my trip. Wearing anything low-cut, short, or that shows any skin beyond what my parents taught me was acceptable makes me uncomfortable. I'm either covering up with a blazer or pulling down my skirt in fear of showing too much. Much of that now comes from all of my experiences with men from a distance and those that have been important in my life.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
I decided I was going against the grain for this trip.
My body has been policed, abused, and shamed. In my mind, this was my chance to take my power back. To defy the idea that wearing short, sheer, and sexy clothes made me anything but the beautiful black woman I am becoming.
I hit Amazon and added pasties, a sheer dress, and a strappy leopard swimsuit to my cart. I also knew I was "packing" my birthday suit because I was going to the nude beach and disrobing.
When I arrived, I was greeted by Denise and Chantel. Two stunning black women who treated me like family from the start. I soon met up with my girls for the four-day stay dressed in a thong, pasties, and a sheer dress. I questioned whether it was too early to be letting it all hang out since it was my first time meeting the group, but the ladies validated me immediately.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Later, we caught the fetish show that featured stunning black men and women dressed in sheer bodysuits, colorful pasties, and at certain points, they were topless. As I watched them twerk, grind, and own their bodies — I was inspired. How does one get to this point in life? Especially the ladies. We are taught from the jump that enjoying sex is for men, and we're just there to fulfill their pleasure and fantasies. Then layering on sexual liberation as a black woman? Whoa, that's a whole different article.
After watching the show, I knew I was ready for the nude side of the beach. When in Rome…
There is a nude side and a prude side at Hedo, and while the prude side offers a chance to be naked or clothed, on the nude side, your only option is letting yourself be free. I gathered the girls after lunch, and we started our walk down the sandy stretch of the beach towards the nude side. Once we got there, we all hesitated. I felt knots in my stomach and kind of wanted to turn back, but I didn't. I went for it. I took off my swimsuit top and bottom and walked freely across the sand with the four other ladies with me.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
I'd be telling a story if I told you it didn't feel awkward. "Is anyone looking at me?" I thought. Well, the answer to that is yes.
But, everyone was naked, so it made that reality less weird. Laying out and walking into the water sans clothing was incredibly liberating, much like my experience at Hedo. The resort is not about being a "freak," it's about letting go of judgment, eating good food, watching great entertainment, and dancing the night away at the disco or at a toga foam party.
My experience not only was a stepping stone in me, it was a moment of reclaiming my body from a traumatic situation that still haunts me. It helped me realize that I'm not as "okay" as I thought I was. There are moments when I walked the long way so that I didn't have to interact with men, there were times when I cowered when men complimented me. Having those reactions a month, two months or even years after an assault is normal, and as my fellow writer and new friend *Delores said, "You don't owe anyone an explanation."
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
The women of Hedo (who were all women of color) that I met on this trip (Hey Denise, Michelle, Diana, and Melissa!), are why I'd recommend women hit the resort with their girls. Hedonism isn't about hooking up with random people (which is an option if that's what you're into) or going nude. The resort is about allowing yourself to experience life without judgment and restriction, no matter what that looks like to you— and know that you're in a safe space to explore, thanks to women I mentioned above.
You can have whatever experience you desire. If going topless and walking the beach is your version of taking a chance, you can do that. If you're into finding a sex partner(s), to explore sexually, you can do that. Want to have sex in a pool out in the open? You can try that, too (I saw that for myself.). Or, if you just want a drink, tan, take twerking lessons, snorkel, and eat chicken wings (which are so good) at two o'clock in the morning, live your best life, sis.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Sexual liberation can come in any form.
My liberation came from walking the beach naked and being reminded that I own the rights to my body no matter what a man, these Republicans, or society says.
I'm grateful I was able to have this "aha moment" amongst women who were supportive and fun; at a resort that is as beautiful as it is transformative.
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Featured image by Getty Images/EyeEm
Originally published on June 11, 2019
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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