Now that my favorite season has arrived, I had to make sure that I shared at least one article on the topic of teas — because if there is one thing that is super soothing to the soul (that also has proven health benefits), it’s a hot cup of herbal tea (with a teaspoon of honey in it). The reason why we’re going to explore teas that specifically can help to improve moods is because, let’s not act like a lot of what is going on in our country right now isn’t stressful AF.
And just like I’ve told some of my friends, this is the time to almost become obsessed with cultivating a sanctuary space within your home (check out “15 Ways To Make Your Home A Cozy Sanctuary This Fall”) and doing as much pampering and self-care as possible, so that you can feel calm and relaxed. And yes, one way to do that is to know what you can consume that will help to make you feel better.
That starts with 10 teas that can help you in an abundance of ways — including when it comes to elevating your moods (which is something that we all need from time to time)…just in time for cooler weather and all that fall has to offer (yay!).
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1. Turmeric Tea
Antioxidants-wise, turmeric tea is pretty potent. And that is why health experts say that it is able to do everything from strengthen your heart and soothe arthritis-related symptoms to improve the quality of your liver and even decrease some of the symptoms that are directly associated with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). And yes, if you happen to be having a low day, the super active ingredient in turmeric, curcumin, can help to boost your moods and even make depression-related symptoms less apparent.
2. Passionflower Tea
Feeling a little stressed out? If so, passionflower tea may be just what you need. I say that because the strong antioxidants in this tea can help to relieve anxiety, decrease symptoms that are associated with menopause (like hot flashes and headaches), can lower your blood pressure and is supreme when it comes to improving your quality of rest. Also, since passionflower tea has a reputation for being a sex hormone balancer, if you’re in a cranky mood because your libido hasn’t been where it usually is, this is a tea that can help out in that department as well.
3. Chamomile Tea
If you’ve got digestion issues, you want to control your blood sugar levels a bit better or you want to do a bit more to keep your heart health intact — where’s your chamomile tea at? Aside from all of what I just said, this herbal tea is a fan favorite among many health experts because it also hydrates skin, helps to heal acne (from the inside out), makes it easier to sleep and it even has properties in it that can lower your risk of being diagnosed with certain types of cancer.
And if you know that your moods have something to do with a lack of sleep or you are feeling restless in some way, chamomile tea may just be the all-natural remedy that you’ve been looking for. For decades, it’s had the reputation for helping to relax people to the point where they are able to feel soothed and are able to sleep soundly.
4. Black Tea
Black tea is one of the most popular teas when it comes to getting rid of free radicals. This is important because the stronger your body’s cells are, the stronger your immune system will be and the less likely you will have to deal with chronic diseases.
Black tea is also a winner because it helps to lower cholesterol levels and improve your gut health, it has the potential to decrease your blood pressure and reduce your risk of experiencing a stroke and, if you can’t seem to concentrate on something (in the moment) to save your life, black tea is a drink that can make it easier to focus too — not to mention the fact that black tea increases longevity…and if that doesn’t put you in a good mood, what in the world will? LOL.
Seriously though, black tea also makes the “good mood list” because it has properties that contain polyphenols (a group of plant-based chemical compounds) that have been directly linked to less stress and better moods.
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5. Lavender Tea
Lavender tea is the kind of tea that every woman should have in her possession. Since it contains anti-inflammatory properties, it can help to relieve menstrual discomfort. Since it contains antifungal elements, it can help to treat yeast infections from the inside out. Since it is loaded with antioxidants, it can strengthen your immune system and even encourage hair growth. And just how is it good for your moods? Well, something else that lavender tea’s properties are able to do is calm your nervous system down. And the less anxious you are, usually the better you end up feeling…right?
6. Lemon Balm Tea
If you’re looking to get rid of a bit of inflammation in your system, look no further than lemon balm tea because, among science and health experts alike, it has a solid reputation for that. Lemon balm tea is also good for you when it comes to bringing relief to menstrual cramps (which damn near puts us all in a bad mood), improving symptoms that are related to insomnia, strengthening your memory and overall cognitive abilities and even treating indigestion.
Another cool thing about lemon balm tea is, since it contains properties that help to relax you, it can put you in a calm state of mind — even under semi-stressful situations.
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7. Chai Tea
Personally, I am a super fan of chai tea. Not only do I like the way that it tastes, I’ve always dug that chai means life in one of my favorite (spiritual) cultures: Hebrew. If you’re curious about how chai tea can help your health and well-being, it does so by filling up your system with antioxidants, reducing menstrual and headache discomfort, easing digestion issues, decreasing muscle-related pain and keeping your blood sugar levels in check.
And if you’re dragging a bit after lunch, chai tea is also great at increasing your energy levels and making you more alert. Chai latte, anyone?
8. Peppermint Tea
Any tea that has a hint of mint is going to automatically be exhilarating — and that alone makes it worthy of this particular tea gem list. Plus, peppermint tea is able to reduce headache (and migraine) discomfort, freshen your breath, clear up nasal congestion, aid in supporting your weight loss efforts and it can also make seasonal allergies easier to deal with.
That said, if the mood that you’re experiencing has something to do with mental fatigue, studies reveal that peppermint has the ability to give you a natural energy boost without putting you on the (potential) roller coaster ride that can come with consuming caffeine. Awesome.
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9. Sage Tea
Are your cholesterol levels totally off of the charts? You definitely need to have some sage tea in your kitchen cabinet or pantry then. Sage works effectively in this area by improving your lipid profile/panel — which basically means that it helps to reduce how much fat is in your bloodstream. Aside from that, sage tea can help you when it comes to fighting off free radicals, improving the quality of your skin, reducing bad breath, soothing a sore throat and decreasing nausea in pregnant women.
How is it great for your mood? Well, if you happen to be going through perimenopause, since it contains estrogen-like properties, it can help to reduce symptoms that are associated with it as well as making it easier to relax and feel less stressed out.
10. Blooming Flower Tea
If you’ve never heard of blooming flower tea before, it’s basically tea that is made out of tea leaves and edible flowers. As a tea lover, I like this particular one because it’s pretty as hell to look at. Beyond that, blooming flower tea also has some impressive health benefits including the fact that many (edible) flowers are loaded with antioxidants and amino acids.
Not only that but they can help to strengthen your immune system, they are able to increase blood circulation throughout your body, they can improve your vision (over time), make your hair and skin (more) radiant and they are superb when it comes to improving digestion and detoxing your system.
Mood-wise, consider a cup or two of blooming flower tea a couple of times a week in order to get more rest at night and experience less brain fog (which can put you in a bad mood due to feeling confused and not being able to concentrate) throughout the day. Yep…pretty and potent. Enjoy, sis. Enjoy!
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Kayla Nicole says she wore a dress that was once worn by Braxton herself for the Halloween costume. “It’s not a secret Toni is more on the petite side. I’m obsessed with all 5’2” of her,” she tells xoNecole via email. “But I’m 5’10'' and not missing any meals, honey, so to my surprise, when I got the dress and it actually fit, I knew it was destiny.”
The episode was the perfect way for the multihyphenate to take control of her own narrative. By addressing the viral moment on her own platform, she was able to stir the conversation and keep the focus on her adoration for Braxton, an artist she says she grew up listening to and who still makes her most-played playlist every year. Elsewhere, she likely would’ve received questions about whether or not the costume was a subliminal aimed at her ex-boyfriend and his pop star fiancée. “I think that people will try to project their own narratives, right?” she said, hinting at this in the episode. “But, for me personally – I think it’s very important to say this in this moment – I’m not in the business of tearing other women down. I’m in the business of celebrating them.”
Kayla Nicole is among xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, powered by SheaMoisture, recognized in the Viral Voices category for her work in media and the trends she sets on our timelines, all while prioritizing her own mental and physical health. As she puts it: “Yes, I’m curating conversations on my podcast The Pre-Game, and cultivating community with my wellness brand Tribe Therepē.”
Despite being the frequent topic of conversation online, Kayla Nicole says she’s learning to take advantage of her growing social media platform without becoming consumed by it. “I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out,” she says.
On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."
Credit: Malcolm Roberson
Throughout each episode, she sips a cocktail and addresses trending topics (even when they involve herself). It’s a platform the Pepperdine University alumnus has been preparing to have since she graduated with a degree in broadcast journalism, with a concentration in political science.
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She’s not just a podcaster, though. When she’s not behind the mic, taking acting classes or making her New York Fashion Week debut, Kayla Nicole is also busy elevating her wellness brand Tribe Therepē, where she shares her workouts and the workout equipment that helps her look chic while staying fit. She says the brand will add apparel to its line up in early 2026.
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Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
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I was inspired to write this because, recently, while reading about eight types of narcissists and what their traits consist of, I revisited what a vulnerable narcissist is all about. Then, as I connected some dots via another piece that I read about how it shows up in female friendships — well, because this is a platform for Black women, I definitely wanted to put y’all on notice. Because when it comes to toxic friendships (which really is a bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it?), there is probably nothing worse than having a narcissist friend — someone who displays traits like being highly self-centered, pretty apathetic, and constantly gaslighting those around them.
Okay, so what’s the difference between a “regular” narcissist and a vulnerable one? Yeah, let’s get into that now because I’ve got a feeling that some light bulbs are going to go on for a few of you…as it relates to at least one of your current…“friendships.”
So Basically, a Vulnerable Narcissist Is the Same Thing As a Covert One
GiphyIf you check out the article, “Science Says That Happy Couples Do The Following 7 Things” on this platform, one thing that you will notice that I said is, since I’ve been a marriage life coach, I’ve not really been big on using the word “vulnerable” when it comes to serious relationships. Charge it to being a writer who takes words pretty literally (dictionary-defined ones, not what social media makes up from year to year) yet I’ve never understood why we should encourage people to be vulnerable with someone who they deeply trust.
I say that because I know that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt” and “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.” And although I get that no one is perfect, if you feel like dealing with those closest to you requires taking this level of an emotional risk, on a fairly consistent basis? In my opinion, that is a dark orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
I’ve said before that my preferred word is “dependent” because it means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and healthy relationships? They absolutely should be INTERDEPENDENT. Yeah, whether it’s romantic, familial or a friendship — why are you out here feeling like sharing yourself makes you open to attack and harm when you should be involved with individuals who can be relied on for support? See the difference? And that is why a vulnerable narcissist makes sense to me — since a narcissist is unsafe, by the very definitions of vulnerable, a vulnerable one would be too. Even more so, in fact.
Here's the clincher, though. Even if you’ve never heard of a vulnerable narcissist before, I’m willing to bet that some of you have heard of a covert narcissist, which is basically the same thing. The fascinating thing about a covert narcissist is they are more subtle than some of the other types — which is exactly how they are able to trip folks up. Because although they need lots of attention and they tend to act really self-important (like all narcissists do), a covert narcissist moves in some pretty sneaky ways.
For instance, they might go really heavy on what seems like compliments (more on that in a sec) in order to make you think that they admire you when, really, they just want to get your guard down in order to get whatever they want out of you. Another example of a covert narcissist is they might act like they are proud of something you accomplished; however, they are actually sticking close by to get some of your contacts or to work themselves into the successful world that you created, so that they can actually compete with you. One more example of a covert narcissist is if they don’t get their way, they may ghost you for days, weeks or months at a time and then be all passive aggressive about it whenever they resurface.
And why are they like this? Because vulnerable/covert narcissists get off on gaslighting — they want you to feel like you are crazy for thinking what is, 8.5/10, spot-on about them. That way, you can be the villain and they can play the victim — even though it’s probably the exact opposite that is actually going on. They do this because, ultimately, to boost their ego. For a narcissist, pretty much of any kind, game-playing is what fuels them and makes them bigger in their minds than they actually are (or even deserve to be).
10 Dead-Ringer Signs of a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyOkay, so even with all of what I just said, what if you’re like, “Shellie, I think I get it, but I need a few more examples of what you’re saying”? I hear you and I’ve got you. Some other ways that vulnerable narcissists like to show up and out?
- They are hypercritical and condescending
- They act like they are allergic to accountability
- Their expectations are unreasonable (and hypocritical)
- They are walking contradictions
- They want to be the center of attention (and while monopolize things
- They are masters at giving others the silent treatment
- Their expectations are unrealistic and their demands are ridiculous
- They deflect instead of apologize
- They flatter (use fluffy and insincere words) yet don’t affirm or compliment (yes, there is a difference)
- They lack empathy or humility
And why — or even how — would you be a friend with someone like this? Well, the other thing that you have to keep in mind about narcissism is they are excellent at using charm to their advantage. Charming people tend to come off as being charismatic and witty. Charming people seem to be really interested in you (at least initially). Charming people have a way of making you feel very comfortable around them. At first, charming people seem genuine, attentive and respectful. And they definitely make a good impression — sometimes one that is so solid that you keep going back to that memory during the “bad times” with them.
Hmph. The thing that you have to always keep in mind when it comes to charm, though, is what Scripture says about it: “Charm is deceitful…” (Pr. 31:30) — and that is just what a narcissist is: deceptive.
And when it comes to a vulnerable narcissist and her friendships with other women? The deceptive runs deep.
How a Vulnerable Narcissist Shows Up Especially in Female Friendships
GiphyAlways remember that a vulnerable narcissist moves in subtle and sneaky ways. Hmph, that alone should make you want to ponder if you have some female friends who would fit the bill of being a vulnerable narcissist because we do have a way of being clever and ingenious…which are two of the things that come with being a subtle type of individual. And the way that subtle narcissists use their clever and ingenious ways to their advantage? I’ll give you an example.
A former friend of mine who was — and from what I hear, still is — an absolute vulnerable narcissist really wanted me to be her fan rather than her friend. One time, she even invited me to a bachelorette party and said, “You’re the only one here who isn’t a bridesmaid. You should feel honored.” Nah, what you really said is that you don’t truly value what I bring into your life enough to be a bridesmaid but you know I am good for bringing one hell of a gift and cheering you on regardless.
And that’s how a lot of our friendship was — doing way more giving than I was receiving, doing way more listening than leaning and when I would call her out on some of these things, she would either freeze me out or play the victim and act like somehow it was my fault that she wasn’t being a better friend.
Yeah, that’s what you’ve gotta watch about vulnerable narcissists — it is going to be oh so very rare that they will take full accountability for where they have dropped the ball. To them, somehow, it — whatever “it” is — is either going to be your fault or someone else’s. And that’s why, in their eyes, if you were a “real friend” to them, you would coddle them through not meeting your needs instead of expecting them to actually change their ways so that you both could benefit from the relationship.
And why don’t your needs matter? Because, to a vulnerable narcissist, they believe that they are worthy of extra special treatment at all times — think of them like being a bridezilla 24 hours a day. LOL.
And although some of what I said can be nuanced, for the most part, that really is how a vulnerable narcissist tends to make themselves seen and heard in female friendships: treat them like queens and expect to be mere subjects in their court or…why are you around at all, chile?
5 Hacks for Handling a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyFeeling triggered? Or better yet, are you feeling like you finally can “scratch the itch” of what you’ve been looking for to describe a certain person (or certain people) in your life goes? If that is the case and although you see some flags, there tends to be at least a little bit of good enough in your dynamic with “your” vulnerable narcissist to not totally break things off (yet), how do you keep a vulnerable narcissist from causing (anymore) harm?
1. Set firm boundaries. The former friend who I just spoke of? It took years to fully and finally unravel out of all of that (pretty much because she took her elitism to “no turning back” levels a few years ago). A part of the reason why is because she’s not the devil; she really isn’t — she’s just a narcissist. So, what I did to make things more bearable for myself for a while was set some emotional boundaries.
Sometimes I had to tell her “no” and provide no explanation behind it (narcissists think that they are owed every damn thing, chile). I refused to be at her beck and call all of the time. When I felt like she was stressing me out, I would take a bit of time off from phone calls or hanging out. Listen, you will never survive a narcissist, of any kind, unless you have some firm and consistent ARTICULATED boundaries set. If you don’t heed any other point, please heed this one.
2. Have consequences in place for when they are broken. There is no point in setting a boundary if there aren’t going to be consequences for when they are broken. So, for instance, if you tell a vulnerable narcissist that you don’t appreciate them not taking accountability for telling your business to a mutual friend (because they are also extremely entitled individuals), you should probably keep your mouth shut around them for a while. Narcissists care more about their present interests than your holistic comfort which is why they tend to do stuff like that (sometimes).
3. Look at patterns over promises. Narcissists are a lot like energy vampires — and something that both of those need is a source of supply to leech off of whether it’s attention, emotional investing, resources…whatever will benefit them and what they are wanting at the time. And that is why they have no problem telling you that they will do something for you…even if they don’t end up following through. They do this because they want you to put enough confidence in them to be willing to go out of your way on their behalf — at least until they get what they need in the moment. Be careful of that. In genuine friendships, you should be able to rely on others just as much as they should be able to rely on you.
4. Choose to not see them as your “safe place.” Remember, narcissists are charming. They can also be witty, fun and totally entertaining to be around. A word that I wouldn’t use for them, though, is “safe.” The former friend who I mentioned? Although she was good at keeping information confidential (which is a safe trait), she couldn’t be relied on when I was hurting because, somehow, she was going to find a way to turn the focus on her (that is unsafe). I mean, rarely could I tell her something and she wasn’t going to turn it into a story about herself. Yeah, narcissists are always on some sort of makeshift stage, chile. And that can be exhausting.
5. Make sure you know what your “breaking point” is. I tell clients often: Be okay with being someone’s consequence sometimes because there may be a chance that they won’t learn any other way. Do I miss that former friend of mine? Eh, by the time that I was done, I was DONE done. However, we had a lot of years between us and so there are memories that get to me on random occasions. And although I don’t hate her and can see her and genuinely care about how she’s doing, we have nowhere to go in the future. She’s always going to want me to do most of the work — and I am no longer interested in doing so. Breaking points are good. They let us know when a chapter in a relationship has…completed itself.
____
An author by the name of Nassim Nicholas Taleb once said, “Love without sacrifice is theft” (that kind of makes me think of the late author Eric Jerome Dickey’s quote, “Sex without love is violence”). At the end of the day, that saying is a good way to “gut check” your relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. Ask yourself if you are basically the only one doing any sacrificing. And if that is indeed the case, is it worth it?
Remember, a vulnerable narcissist thinks that they deserve to be treated better than everyone else — including you. If you want to keep that type of person as a friend, just know what you are getting yourself into. Because since they are probably never going to change, you will be the one who has to.
One way or another, sis. One way or a freakin’ other.
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