Walking away doesn't make you weak, it means that you have the strength to discern whether or not the environment you're in is conducive to your growth. My mentor told me once that sometimes we don't know our own strength until we're forced to prove it.
Proving it can mean being strong enough to realize when the soil in which you're trying to thrive is not fertile.
I was loved harder than I've ever been loved by a man who I met in 2014. I compromised for him, as he sacrificed for me and our lives morphed in unison into a constant state of complacency.
We loved each other so hard that it was toxic, and I can now admit that I was in a mutually abusive relationship. We justified the pain we inflicted on each other with "I love you" and somewhere along the way our complacency transformed into resentment.
I was so engulfed in my love for him that I stopped tending to my own roots.
We found ourselves in a situation where I was unable to bear fruit, and he was too drained to water me.
The cycle continued because I chose to be blissfully unaware of the fact that I was no longer growing. Our union was charmingly unproductive because, "I love you."
Fabolous and his longtime girlfriend Emily B. recently experienced a very public domestic dispute that led the rapper to be arrested and the internet is having a field day, almost as though they aren't just two regular people who loved and built a life with one another, just as I had done with my ex.
Emily B. said that when she and Fab met in 2002, he noticed her from across the room and sent his brother over to talk to her; from then on, it was history. The couple later had two children and have maintained an on-and-off relationship for the past ten years.
As women, we are burdened by characteristics of empathy and vulnerability, so much so that we forget to check in with ourselves.
As lovers and mothers, we are so busy caring for the ones that we love, we don't take a minute to ourselves to ask, "Hey girl, are you good?" Emily B. is a reminder that sometimes your strength lies in your ability to foresee barriers to your growth.
I can remember with clarity the look in my ex's eyes while his hands were around my neck as I struggled in a bed at the Westin where we spent our last night together. When he released me from his strong hold, I realized that the love that had onced captivated us both had materialized into an intense animosity. I punched and kicked him with every ounce of energy I had in my body. And then…
One. Final. Blow.
He hit me in my stomach as I lie on the ground sobbing. I couldn't breathe. I was hyperventilating. His remorse cut through the silence in the room like a knife. Our dog cowered, whining quietly under the bed.
The sweetest man I had ever known was a monster, and I had made him that way.
I knew that moment was a manifestation of the resentment we created from the inability to produce. That was the last time I saw him.
I am in no way saying that the victim is ever to blame in an abusive situation. But I can admit, we were both victims. For the last few months of our relationship, I blamed him for my lack of productivity, when the truth was: The soil in which I had attempted to grow was no longer fertile.
The well had run dry.
We have to be able to identify when a relationship is fruitless, and know when to walk away. I can't speculate on what happened in the privacy of Emily B. and Fab's relationship. But I can see that she is a woman who loved a man, just like I did.
Keep in mind that "I love you" will never be enough if you're not being properly fed in your relationship. Check in with you. Make sure you're full. If you find that you are deprived, whether the abuse you encounter is mental, emotional, or physical, unearth the strength to walk away.
He can't love you like you love you.
Featured image by J. Countess/WireImage
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While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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