

Your December monthly horoscopes have arrived! The first part of the month invites us to embrace our individuality and release stagnant beliefs that inhibit our self-expression. When Chiron goes direct, we'll be feeling more confident in who we are, what makes us unique, and the gifts that we are called to share with the world. After spending time in Capricorn, both Saturn and Jupiter shift into Aquarius, requiring us to take an innovative approach to the way we connect with others in this ever-changing world.
Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun help us get grounded, making this a great time to plan for the year ahead. 2020 wraps up with a beautiful Full Moon in Cancer reminding us to take care of home (and self) first. Check out the horoscopes below to learn what's in store for your zodiac sign in December 2020:
Aries
Aries
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleSagittarius season is stirring up your wanderlust and when Mercury enters this adventurous zodiac sign, you're ready to buck Rona and book that week-long vacay in the Cayman Islands. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th clears out those false beliefs of yours that you adopted from people you've deemed wiser than you. It's time to be your own guru, babe!
When Venus shifts into this part of your sky, it's time to fall in love with your own experiences and the gems you've gained from bumping your head into a wall one too many times.
On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, snapping you back into your bold and confident self. Saturn and Jupiter both shift into Aquarius this month which has the potential to bring a lot of growth through your social network but not without hard work. It's time to crack that Instagram algorithm so the world can benefit from what you have to share. Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun shift into Capricorn, encouraging you to make some long-term plans to achieve success in your career. December winds down with a cozy Full Moon in Cancer inviting you to enjoy a quiet night at home for some much-needed TLC.
Taurus
The month kicks off with Mercury entering Sagittarius, helping you gain a deeper understanding of a painful experience you've gone through. The New Moon Solar Eclipse serves to sweep away the old stories of victimhood in exchange for something more triumphant. When Venus enters this part of the sky, be mindful of overspending especially with the credit card. I get it—it's holiday season but that doesn't mean you have to go into even more debt. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, encouraging you to come out of hermit mode.
You've been in a space of deep reflection over the past few months and now it's time to embody the lessons you've been learning.
On the 17th, Saturn enters Aquarius and you're feeling the pressure to get ahead in your career. When Jupiter joins Saturn on the 19th, you'll likely feel a push-pull effect in the year ahead. One minute you're gaining traction and the next minute you're doubting why you're even trying. That's the test of Saturn so keep it moving, boo. Slow motion is better than no motion. On the 20th, Mercury enters Capricorn then the Sun joins up the next day, encouraging you to position yourself for success by sharpening up your skills, making this a good time to go back to school. The month comes to a close with a sweet Full Moon in Cancer encouraging you to be a little kinder to yourself. Nurture your healing and growth with more positive self-talk.
Gemini
Your relationships take front and center stage this month. When Mercury enters Sagittarius, don't be surprised if you or someone else is initiating the "we need to talk" convo. On the 14th, the New Moon Solar Eclipse takes the trash out for you—whether it's that one-sided relationship or that dead-end business partnership. It's time to let it go, Gemmie. When Venus enters this part of your sky, you're more interested in your freedom than being tied down to anyone or anything. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, helping you gain a better footing in your approach to friends and social networking.
Let your individuality shine forth boldly to attract a tribe that is the perfect fit for you.
When Saturn and Jupiter shift into Aquarius, it's time to buckle down a bit. You're notorious for knowing a little bit about a lot of things but these transits are going to require you to dive deeper into a topic so you can become more of an expert. I'm sure this sounds boring to the Jack of All Trades but Saturn will make your discipline and hard work well worth the effort. If you've been thinking about going back to school, enrolling in that workshop, or even becoming a teacher yourself, now is the time to go for it. Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun link up in Capricorn which could have you receiving some good news about a loan, grant, or debt that you owe. December wraps up with a Full Moon in Cancer encouraging you to raise your prices and add tax. You're worth it, boo!
Cancer
December begins with Mercury entering Sagittarius on the 1st encouraging you to get your annual health screening. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th offers you the clarity you need to break a bad habit that's affecting you mentally or physically. When Venus moves into this part of your sky, it's time to fall (back) in love with your body. As tempting as it will be to indulge in the holiday treats, practice moderation to get an early start on your 2021 fitness resolution. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, motivating you to forge your way ahead in pursuit of success.
Stop trying to live up to other people's definition of a boss and figure out what this standard means to you.
Both Saturn and Jupiter shift gears into Aquarius after spending an arduous stint in Capricorn. Over the next couple of years, your expansion takes place by—believe it or not—going within. These transits invite you to get curious about yourself, why you are the way you are, why you attract certain people in your life, why patterns keep repeating. Your subconscious will go through quite the transformation but this is ultimately liberating you to reach greater heights in life. On the 20th, Mercury enters Capricorn and the Sun follows behind the next day. Important conversations in your key relationships are likely to take place. This is also a favorable time to sign or renegotiate contracts. The month comes to a close with a Full Moon in your sign reminding you to prioritize you in your constant state of giving. Treat yo' self to a makeover or a new wardrobe to set the tone for the new year ahead.
Leo
Can you feel the love in the air? Well, when Mercury enters Sag on the 1st, you'll def be feeling it whether you're falling head over heels this month or someone is revealing their feelings for you. The New Moon Solar Eclipse encourages you to resolve any disappointments in romance. Leave the past where it belongs so you can create a new and better cycle for yourself moving into the future. When Venus enters this part of your sky, you could be attracting more of the intellectual, worldly type that will stay up with you late at night to pick your brain. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct and you're feeling more confident about your personal truth and the beliefs that come with it.
There's no need to look outside of yourself for a guru when you have direct access to the Universe and all its wisdom.
After spending the past couple of years in Capricorn, Saturn shifts into Aquarius which has you getting more serious about your dating prospects. Who has the potential to be your lifelong partner? When Jupiter joins up with Saturn, you've got some big dreams about your ideal relationship which may seem a little out-of-the-box to some but as long as you're happy, that's all that matters. Mercury shifts gears on the 20th encouraging you to create more structure in your daily routines. We all have the same amount of time in each day. How are you spending yours? When the Sun enters Capricorn, you can no longer hide behind your procrastination. The month winds down with a cozy Full Moon in Cancer inviting you to reflect on the past year and rejuvenate yourself for a new year ahead.
Virgo
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Family matters take center stage when Mercury enters Sagittarius on the 1st. The New Moon Solar Eclipse is a powerful time for squashing any family drama or resolving a generational pattern that's been wreaking havoc on you and your kinfolk. When Venus enters this part of your chart, you could be feeling a little restless and in need of a vacation. You may consider relocating for the winter or permanently if you've outgrown your current residence. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct which has you feeling more confident in who you are as an individual.
As much as you love your tribe, it's important to establish a strong sense of your own personal identity to stay in alignment with your destiny.
When Saturn and Jupiter shift into Aquarius, your daily routines and habits may become increasingly boring, inviting you to get innovative in creating new ways to remain engaged with the work you do on a daily basis. We spend a lot of our time on social media these days making this a good opportunity to cultivate a healthier relationship with the use of these platforms. Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun link up in encouraging you to get creative and have some fun. Adulting is a priority but so is nurturing your inner child. December wraps up with a sentimental Full Moon in Cancer which could have you wrapping up a cycle or friendships that aren't as nurturing as you need them to be. Release them with love and remain open for the blessings to come.
Libra
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
Mercury enters Sagittarius on the 1st, infusing you with the holiday spirit. You're feeling bold and expressive during this transit, making it an auspicious time if you work in communications, education, or social media. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th helps you tie up loose ends on any creative projects you've been working on. This is also a powerful reset in regards to your own inner-dialogue. When Venus enters this part of your sky, you're attracting more passionate, enthusiastic folks that have you inspired to aim higher when it comes to your vision for 2021. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, giving you the confidence to assert yourself in your relationships.
If someone isn't willing to try to meet your needs, then what's the point of having them around?
On the 17th, Saturn shifts into Aquarius, encouraging you to take your creative ideas more seriously over the next couple of years, making this a great time to dust off those old childhood dreams. When Jupiter meets up with Aquarius, there are many blessings to be gained through your consistent efforts and your commitment to expressing yourself more authentically. On the 20th, Mercury enters Capricorn shortly followed by the Sun. You may feel the desire to lay some more solid roots down. Investing in property or family planning may be at the top of your to-do list over the next few weeks. December culminates with a Full Moon in Cancer which could have you celebrating a milestone or completion within your career.
Scorpio
December kicks off with Mercury shifting into Sagittarius, reminding you to reel it in when it comes to the retail therapy. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th likely has you in your feels and you'll be tempted to make some purchases in hopes of comforting yourself. This is fine as long as you're not going into debt or putting other priorities to the back burner for the sake of a new Birkin bag. When Venus enters this part of your chart, you could be attracting a passionate, worldly person into your life that has some wisdom to share from their own personal experiences that can help with what you're currently dealing with.
On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, helping you feel more empowered about your health. Channel your rage and frustrations into a kickboxing class or some cardio.
When Saturn and Jupiter shift into Aquarius, you're invited to lay a solid foundation for yourself. This is a time in which you are reconnecting with your sense of home and family—which everyone defines differently. Investing in property may be at the top of your to-do list in the next couple of years. On the 20th, Mercury shifts gears into Capricorn and is shortly followed behind by the Sun. Sit down and create a strategy for how you want to proceed into 2021. What legacy are you building and what are the next steps in fulfilling that? The month comes to a close with a sweet Full Moon in Cancer, reinforcing your intuitive gifts in a way that can be shared with others to heal and nurture them.
Sagittarius
You're the star of the show for the first part of the month as the Sun continues to transit through your sign. When Mercury teams up with the Sun on the 1st, you're ready to spread the gift of the holiday spirit with anyone in sight. The New Moon Solar Eclipse marks the beginning of a period of significant change for you over the next year. Your world as you know it will look completely different whether you're starting a new career, moving across the country, or getting married. When Venus enters this part of your sky, the birthday blessings are coming in full force.
Ask and ye shall receive. On the 15th, Chiron finally goes direct to silence your inner critic so you can get back to what you do best—create.
A few days later, Saturn and Jupiter are linking up in Aquarius. These transits will require you to restructure the way that you communicate and interact with others. With social distancing being a huge factor this year, you could be thinking of some creative ways to cultivate a sense of community and connection with other like-minded folks. On the 20th, Mercury enters Capricorn, revolving your conversations around money and business. When the Sun meets up with Mercury, you're ready to make some boss moves which could have you signing your name on the dotted line to start that new job, work with that new client, or launch a new product or service. By the end of the month, we're winding down with a sensitive Full Moon in Cancer encouraging you to have a good cry or therapy session to release the heavy emotions many felt this year. You're on to bigger and better things in 2021. Chin up, queen!
Capricorn
In the first part of the month, you're invited to disconnect from the grind and reconnect with your peace. When Mercury enters Saggie on the 1st, it's time to dream a little. Every accomplishment starts with a vision and the New Moon Solar Eclipse is helping you clear out anything that is blocking your creative potential. On the 15th, Venus moves into this part of your sky inviting you to fall in love with the Divine. You've got a direct connection to an infinite well of wisdom, creativity, and passion that can definitely take you to the next level when the time is right. Once Chiron goes direct, you're more clear about who you are as an individual. Your family may have certain expectations of you but you're not living your life to please them.
Serve your soul first and let the rest fall into place.
You finally get the much-awaited break from Saturn being in your sign these past couple of years. Now that your ruling planet shifts into Aquarius, most of the heat is off of your back and you can breathe a sigh of relief. Over the next couple of years, you're invited to restructure your finances and get creative when it comes to new ways of making money. Your discipline will be rewarded, especially when Jupiter wraps up its transit in Aquarius this time next year. If anyone knows that hard work pays off, it's you. Commit to the vision to secure your success. On the 20th, Mercury moves into your sign shortly followed by the Sun. It's time to come out of your solitude to celebrate your birthday! What better way to end the year than with a Full Moon in your opposite sign helping you close out a cycle in the way that you do relationships. Reassess the connections that truly nurture and support you and release those that don't with love.
Aquarius
December kicks off with Mercury entering Sagittarius on the 1st, making this the perfect time to do what you do best—socialize. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th could have you reevaluating some people in your inner circle. Don't be surprised if someone exits your life during this time. Trust that the two of you have outgrown the connection and are on the road to new friendships that are more in alignment with your truth. When Venus enters this part of your sky, you'll have no problem meeting new people that inspire you to dream bigger and live your life boldly. On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, reminding you of the importance of embracing your unique qualities and gifts that only you can offer to the world.
Don't be shy, now. Share those gems. You never know who needs to hear your story.
On the 17th, Saturn shifts into your sign which will bring some major changes to how you show up in the world. Your identity as you know it is being redefined throughout this transit. When Jupiter enters Aquarius, you're encouraged to make the right connections—not just for the sake of getting ahead but also as a means of support as you embark on this journey over the next couple of years. Towards the end of the month, Mercury and the Sun meet up in Capricorn, inviting you to slow down, reflect, and rest. Your birthday season is right around the corner and you'll need all the rest you can get to celebrate. The month comes to a close with a Full Moon in Cancer illuminating ways that you can improve your health through better self-care practices. If you don't take care of yourself, who else will?
Pisces

The first part of the month has you feeling restless when Mercury enters Sagittarius. Your mind is racing with ideas that you want to execute in your career in 2021. The New Moon Solar Eclipse on the 14th could have you making some changes in your career. Even if you're working a 9-5, you have bigger dreams and now is the time to start pursuing them. You don't necessarily have to quit your corporate gig (although some of you will), so you may have to make the extra effort to juggle two things at once—your responsibility and your passion. When Venus enters this part of your sky, you're attracting just the right people to get you out of a rut.
On the 15th, Chiron goes direct, boosting your self-esteem and giving you the courage to share some of those hidden gifts you've been depriving the world of.
When Saturn and Jupiter link up in Aquarius, your subconscious will undergo a transformation that you can help catalyze by getting more serious about your spiritual practices. As "go with the flow" as you are, it's time for a little structure in whether that be joining a spiritual community, developing a ritual, or meditating more regularly. On the 20th, Mercury enters Capricorn with the Sun following behind on the 21st. It's time to buckle down when it comes to long-term dreams that you'd like to accomplish. Connecting with other power players will help hold you accountable and ensure your success. Let your heart sing with joy and gratitude for all of the love in your life!
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Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
We All Mess Up Sometimes. But Can You Trust A Friend's Apology?
Although what I mostly deal with when it comes to the clients that I have is romantic relationships, there are definitely times when other topics come up. For instance, recently, someone was talking to me about some drama that they were going through with a friend of theirs. Emotionally, they felt like they were in a bit of a bind because while, on one hand, they had been friends with this individual for over 15 years at this point, on the other, there were certain things that they had done, more than once, that were starting to take its toll.
When I asked my client if they had clearly articulated their feelings, concerns, and boundaries to that individual, they admitted that they hadn’t.
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
Sometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
One day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
Now that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
If you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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