The Problem With Allowing Your Friends To Be Your Side Chicks
I’ve never had a truly monogamous relationship.
Infidelity always enters the relationship I'm in, no matter how wonderful the man in my life is. Of course, things always started out well between us, but despite how well things would go or how much I wanted to remain faithful to our commitment to one another, I couldn’t resist keeping someone on the side.
Sometimes, it was more than one someone.
I never kept my infidelity a secret. I was brazen about who I was and how I functioned in relationships. My partners had to accept that they wouldn’t be the only one. And they often did and were compliant to my needs.
I’d turn to my side piece any time things got hard in my relationship.
They always knew every detail of the highs and lows between me and my main.
My side chicks would comfort me, calm me, and soothe me in ways that only they could. Hell, sometimes they even composed my responses during heated arguments with my partner.
It wouldn’t matter which side piece I chose, they all served one purpose: My self-gratification in ways my partner didn’t fulfill.
My side pieces were inextricable from my relationships. The boyfriends could usually deal with them for awhile. After all, most men fantasize about having a girl who got a girlfriend. But when they’d get tired of the competition, and they always did, I’d simply run back to her. She was always willing and ready to take me back. She never held me accountable, always being sure to rest the blame for the failure of another relationship squarely on the shoulders of my latest ex instead of where they really belonged.
If not them, I had her. I always did. She was more important to keep than any of those relationships. Yet, despite that blind loyalty to one another, I still found myself lonely and unfulfilled.
That “she” that I’m referring to is my inner circle, my best friends, my family.
"She" is everyone to whom I turn in times of distress and the mistress of every romantic relationship I’ve ever had.
There’s nothing particularly wrong with seeking advice from your circle but, as a woman, it can be easy to treat that luxury like a crutch. I have been guilty of being an extremist. While I’m fairly decisive in other aspects of my life, I relied heavily on my circle when making choices about my relationship.
If we argued, I sought the opinion of my circle about which of us was right.
If he angered me, I’d give my circle every lurid detail so that we could revel in the anger together.
All conversations, tape recorded in the annals of my mind only to be regurgitated for the circle so that we could analyze every part of it for hidden meaning. I allowed them to become secondary to what was supposed to be a primarily monogamous relationship and it decimated every one that I had.
When we over-involve our circle in our relationship, we keep ourselves from becoming self sufficient in emotional intimacy.
Instead of trusting our own gut feelings, we turn to our circle to reassure us. Eventually those confiding moments turn into them deciding for us. Then their opinion of us takes precedence over our self-perception. Your circle is there to assert your best interest and defense so, their views and opinions will always be biased in your favor.
Your inner circle never forget or forgive the transgressions of your partners, and will continue to remind you of them each time you seek them out for advice.
Even worse, when you get in the habit of involving your friends in every detail of your personal business, you will end up developing a deeper emotional intimacy with your circle than with your own partner. They will become so deeply involved in the relationship that you will end up being nothing more than the puppet at the end of their marionette strings.
No relationship can sustain without trust, be it trusting your partner or trusting yourself.
[Tweet "Your intuition doesn’t need a vetting process by a full committee."]
The next time you and your man argue, consider using those moments to reflect on what was said and talk to each other. Cut the side pieces out and focus on giving your full self in love.
Let's make a promise:
Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks.
- Danyelle, TheUnfitChristian.com
Have you always been “faithful” in your relationship and to the relationship processes or are you always counting on the opinions of your inner circle to tell you how you feel? What are the pros and cons of both choices? Share with us below :)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Curate The Vibes With These Black-Owned Candles For Every Mood
Black women of the 90s and early 2000s had incense, and Black women of today are fully embracing our luxury candle era. Candles have become just as important as our perfume selections, and as a luxury candle connoisseur, I keep all of my favorites in stock in my storage closet.
Whether you’re moving out for the first time and want to try new scents or looking to set the mood for a self-care day or sexy evening, consider these Black-owned candle brands to curate the vibe you’re looking for.
If You’re Feeling Bad & Bougie
The Original Candle
If you’re the bougie friend of the group, this candle is for you. Hanifa has become a staple luxury brand; with celebs like Tracee Ellis Ross, Jennifer Hudson, Naomi Campbell, and Danielle Brooks seen in her designs, they have become everyone's favorite brand. They recently launched their first candle, The Original. The candle is infused with notes of mandarin, orange blossom, caramel, sandalwood, jasmine sambac, and vanilla.
When Wash Day Comes...
"Wash Day" Candle
Cavo
Need some inspiration to get up and section that hair so you can get to washing? Not to worry. This pineapple, mango coconut milk, and sugar candle will have your house smelling as good as your favorite conditioner.
Wellness Girl Necessity
Sunday in Brooklyn Candle
If you’re a girl who loves clean scents that clear the energy in your home and feel like the best Sunday you ever had, you need this candle. Infused with wild basil and lemongrass, it’s guaranteed to help you find your zen.
For Sunday Brunch If You’re Hosting
Champagne Showers
Champagne Showers is the perfect candle for a birthday celebration, Sunday brunch night in, or toast to your next big win! The candle includes a blend of bright bergamot, peach fizz, and creamy woods. It’s a bubbly fragrance that’s as sophisticated as our girl, Jackie Aina.
After You Listen To SZA
"After A Good Cry" Candle
Cavo
Let the tears flow, and let the healing begin. This rainwater, lavender, vanilla, and bean and bourbon candle is just what the doctor ordered if you’re getting over a breakup. But once you’re done crying, just remember you're worthy of much more, okay?
For The Lover Girl Era
"Love" Luxury Candle
If you’re done crying and have found the one you’ve been waiting for, let this candle burn as warm as your love for your new boo. Harlem Candle Co.'s "Love" fragrance represents a dramatic, romantic theme with both masculine and feminine accords melding beautifully together, infused with crisp apple and watery green notes.
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