
I’ve never had a truly monogamous relationship.
Infidelity always enters the relationship I'm in, no matter how wonderful the man in my life is. Of course, things always started out well between us, but despite how well things would go or how much I wanted to remain faithful to our commitment to one another, I couldn’t resist keeping someone on the side.
Sometimes, it was more than one someone.
I never kept my infidelity a secret. I was brazen about who I was and how I functioned in relationships. My partners had to accept that they wouldn’t be the only one. And they often did and were compliant to my needs.
I’d turn to my side piece any time things got hard in my relationship.
They always knew every detail of the highs and lows between me and my main.
My side chicks would comfort me, calm me, and soothe me in ways that only they could. Hell, sometimes they even composed my responses during heated arguments with my partner.
It wouldn’t matter which side piece I chose, they all served one purpose: My self-gratification in ways my partner didn’t fulfill.
My side pieces were inextricable from my relationships. The boyfriends could usually deal with them for awhile. After all, most men fantasize about having a girl who got a girlfriend. But when they’d get tired of the competition, and they always did, I’d simply run back to her. She was always willing and ready to take me back. She never held me accountable, always being sure to rest the blame for the failure of another relationship squarely on the shoulders of my latest ex instead of where they really belonged.
If not them, I had her. I always did. She was more important to keep than any of those relationships. Yet, despite that blind loyalty to one another, I still found myself lonely and unfulfilled.
That “she” that I’m referring to is my inner circle, my best friends, my family.
"She" is everyone to whom I turn in times of distress and the mistress of every romantic relationship I’ve ever had.
There’s nothing particularly wrong with seeking advice from your circle but, as a woman, it can be easy to treat that luxury like a crutch. I have been guilty of being an extremist. While I’m fairly decisive in other aspects of my life, I relied heavily on my circle when making choices about my relationship.
If we argued, I sought the opinion of my circle about which of us was right.
If he angered me, I’d give my circle every lurid detail so that we could revel in the anger together.
All conversations, tape recorded in the annals of my mind only to be regurgitated for the circle so that we could analyze every part of it for hidden meaning. I allowed them to become secondary to what was supposed to be a primarily monogamous relationship and it decimated every one that I had.
When we over-involve our circle in our relationship, we keep ourselves from becoming self sufficient in emotional intimacy.
Instead of trusting our own gut feelings, we turn to our circle to reassure us. Eventually those confiding moments turn into them deciding for us. Then their opinion of us takes precedence over our self-perception. Your circle is there to assert your best interest and defense so, their views and opinions will always be biased in your favor.
Your inner circle never forget or forgive the transgressions of your partners, and will continue to remind you of them each time you seek them out for advice.
Even worse, when you get in the habit of involving your friends in every detail of your personal business, you will end up developing a deeper emotional intimacy with your circle than with your own partner. They will become so deeply involved in the relationship that you will end up being nothing more than the puppet at the end of their marionette strings.
No relationship can sustain without trust, be it trusting your partner or trusting yourself.
[Tweet "Your intuition doesn’t need a vetting process by a full committee."]
The next time you and your man argue, consider using those moments to reflect on what was said and talk to each other. Cut the side pieces out and focus on giving your full self in love.
Let's make a promise:
Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks.
- Danyelle, TheUnfitChristian.com
Have you always been “faithful” in your relationship and to the relationship processes or are you always counting on the opinions of your inner circle to tell you how you feel? What are the pros and cons of both choices? Share with us below :)
Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube