I've read that grief is just love with nowhere to go. One thing for sure was that I loved loving my mother. She just passed over a month ago.
But grief isn't what I feel entirely.
I mostly feel reverence, gratitude, peace and forgiveness. On top of that, it feels like my heart is being hugged and comforted by God and at times it seems I feel what my mother is feeling in Heaven. I don't know how best to describe it.
Even on the day of her burial, I felt uplifted. While I was walking to her prepared gravesite, I was reminded of the story of the "Footprints in the Sand". How God carried this man through his most challenging times. I don't know what I've done to deserve such grace or where this hidden strength came from, but after bracing myself to keep any unseen uncontrollable emotions from taking flight, I let go to hear a voice say, now this is how you "go out".
My mom left a legacy. She was such an incredible woman. I was in awe of her.
Her style, wit, class, strength, love, and endurance for BS was incredible to watch. Her humor, her laugher and the way she carried herself knowing what she had overcome could make anyone feel proud. That is what I felt as I watched people cry because of the love they felt for her. She had so many call her their second mother, yet she still made each of her actual children feel just as loved if not more loved and special. How could she balance that, a restaurant business, three kids, keep her lawn cut and hair done? I don't know.
Oh, and the bond I felt with her was like we were twins. I felt better around her and just speaking to her lifted up my world. She gave me life and she "gave me life". I was her "ride or die". We faced many challenges together. Some I continue in honor of her. My mom was an immigrant who had us at a young age, so it is almost like we grew up together. Sometimes we'd argue about something I felt she could have done differently (because she wasn't perfect, who is?) and she'd say, "Am I the mother or are you the mother? Am I supposed to listen to you or are you supposed to listen to me?"
I would just laugh. I don't think we ever left an argument without laughing.
So how can it be that I, crowned cry baby, who have had a few moments of outbursts, wipe her tears, and dare I say, feel even better than I did post her transition?
How can it be after moments it felt like God was playing a sick game on us by making me feel she was going to be OK, that I got so accustomed to miracles that I didn't think even for a second (until the last hours) that she'd ever leave us. It also felt like maybe He was done with creating miracles for us.
But then after journaling and reviewing and letting it out, I found a peace I have never felt, indescribable love and gratitude.
I am not one to think that living is somehow the "best outcome" to every situation. If we truly believe in God and Heaven and that God indeed has a plan and there is no better place to be than in Heaven, then how is her leaving a tragedy? Especially since she left painlessly?
Sometimes we conceptualize ideologies, but when the shit hits the fan, we are quick to throw it all away. That happens when we don't embody what it means to trust and believe in God. Well, the question is why am I more than OK after "losing" my best friend?
Because we don't "lose" anyone. If we can get past the pain, sit quiet with God, we will feel our loved ones. The connection we made with them on Earth also doesn't leave us.
They say "the truth will set you free". Once I changed the word "death" to "transition", and that she is still here, my tears left and loved poured in. Because I asked for support and prayers, I had so many powerful spiritual people pray for me and talk to when I was doubting God's plan. I also made sure to keep distance from people that think or believed what I believed.
What is funny, I don't feel motherless. I feel almost invincible now and in fact even closer to her and God than before…
I feel grateful for the time I was given, not taken, and appreciate all I got to experience of what she was. And that women was something special.
But I learned God didn't stop creating miracles, the miracle now is I still look forward to life. To make her proud by being even happier knowing that she wouldn't want anything less.
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