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These Black Bakers Are Sure To Sweeten Up Your Timeline
Picture this: it's a rainy Sunday morning in the winter. You wake up still tired from the night before (wink, wink) but nevertheless, you're in good spirits. You roll over to feel the warmth of your significant other but to your surprise, he's not there. You sit up, rubbing the sleep from your eyes in a slight state of confusion and angst––that is until he comes sauntering in with a tray of food. He's brought you breakfast in bed, specifically your favorite: Blueberry French Toast, eggs made just the way you like, a side of bacon, and a carafe of home-mixed mimosas.
The tray looks like it belongs on the cover of Food Network Magazine. You smile sweetly at him before digging in. Now this could be you IRL sis, but you playing. Put yourself and the lover in your life on game by putting them onto these delectable treats made by black bakers sure to keep your sweet tooth singing.
Chef Jeff Morneau
Courtesy of Chef Jeff Morneau
With a background in French Culinary and vast experience working for various catering companies and restaurants, Chef Jeff quit his job in 2011 in pursuit of more fulfilling work. Thus Chef Jeff Catering was born. And though he admits to initially running away from baking as long as he could, it's something he now truly loves in the most positive way. "It's the passion for me. I never look at the dollar amount and I think that's why I'm in abundance the way I am now. The satisfaction of my customers and the retention of my customers really keep me going." And while this self-taught baker excels at all things cakes, pies, cookies, cupcakes, and event planning, his viral claim to fame are no doubt his flaky, buttery, melt-in-your-mouth Haitian patties.
What Baking Means to Him:
"It's a sense of fulfillment to know that people seek something I created. My job isn't a job, it's a hobby that pays well. My downtime, I find fulfillment in creating new things and trying new techniques. Baking makes me whole. It gives me a sense of tranquility, I get a sense of peace out of it. It allows me to create."
Career Highlight:
"It would be the Haitian patties. I say that because the biggest thing you're planning is never going to pop the way you want it to pop. It's always going to be the least amount of work in, that's gonna be the thing. They [The Haitian Patties] were never supposed to be a thing. I forgot them at an event and I needed to figure out what to do with them. But they helped put me on the route of becoming a household name. You know, people are waiting on them to be released again. So now, I have a tangible product that's sought after."
Future Plans:
"I would like to have Haitian Patties in distribution and create well-branded cookware. I want to have more things inside people's homes that say 'Chef Jeff.'"
For more of Chef Jeff, follow him @ChefJeffDidIt.
Chef Jeff's Blueberry French Toast
Courtesy of Chef Jeff Morneau
Prep Time: 10 mins | Cook Time: 20 mins
Ingredients:
- 8 slices brioche
- 1 stick of butter
Egg Mixture:
- 1 cup evaporated milk
- 1/2 cup sweet condensed milk
- Dash of cinnamon
- 1 egg
- 2 tablespoon sugar
- 1 teaspoon orange zest
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 tablespoon of Brandy
Blueberry Drip:
- 2 cups blueberries (or fruits of choice)
- 1/2 cup sugar
- 1 tablespoon brandy
Cream Cheese Drizzle:
- 8 ounces cream cheese
- 1/2 cup sweet condensed milk
- 1/2 cup evaporated milk
Garnish:
- Whipped cream
- Fresh mint
- Sugar
Directions:
- In a bowl, whisk together: milk(s), egg, vanilla, brandy, orange zest, cinnamon and nutmeg.
- Dip bread in egg mixture, flip to coat both sides evenly. (Do not let it get too soggy.)
- Toast bread slices on a buttered nonstick skillet on medium heat until browned on both sides. (Dress with the drip.)
- Blueberry Drip: In small saucepan, add fresh blueberries, dash of Brandy, 1/2 cup of sugar, and bring to a boil; then slowly simmer for 5 minutes.
- Cream Cheese Drizzle: Mix Cream Cheese (softened), sweet condensed milk, evaporated milk. (Transfer into a squeeze bottle.)
- Top with 10 times sugar, a dollop of whipped cream and fresh mint.
Vee the Baker
Courtesy of Vee the Baker
Veronica Fletcher has Thanksgiving of 2014 to be grateful for when it comes to her booming business. After a coworker commissioned her to bake desserts to adorn the family dinner table, it proved to be the spark she needed to launch her then-fledgling version of Vee's Bakeshoppe. By Christmas of that same year arrived, Fletcher received more dessert requests from coworkers for their family gatherings. Following the successful holiday season, Vee's Bakeshoppe hosted a pop up in May of that next year where she sold out of her signature cupcakes in the first 30 minutes--officially cementing her as a small business owner.
For Vee though, it's all about the feeling of satisfaction for people she serves. "The best part is the smile I get when someone enjoys one of my creations. I live for the pause and long, drawn-out "yums" when that first bite melts into their mouths. The happiness of being satisfied or having spirits lifted by a little flour, sugar, butter, and time is well worth my effort."
Length of Time Baking:
"I started baking in college with the hopes of recreating the desserts I grew up enjoying. The hunger for home led to numerous calls to and long recipe walk-throughs with my mom. Growing up, we didn't keep packaged sweets in our pantry because my mom, known to many in the Dallas area as the 'Cookie Lady', baked all the time."
Favorite Dishes to Bake:
"My beloved bakes are 7-Up pound cake, homemade cinnamon rolls, and a beautifully decorated layer cake. The versatility of and endless ways you can enjoy a delicious piece of pound cake has allowed me to create recipes that range from breakfast to dessert. The inviting smell and ooey-gooey goodness of a homemade cinnamon roll with a cup of coffee is the perfect way I like to start the day and end it on some occasions. Creamy, velvety buttercream, and bright colored decorative elements on my layer cakes allow me to be artistic and playful."
What Baking Means to Her:
"Baking is my therapy. As one who works a corporate job full-time, I look forward to getting into the kitchen after a long day and baking my feelings away. Sweet creations are always the best reward before calling it a day (or night). The process of baking and the bakes I'm able to create bring to fruition an idea, or emotion that I want to convey. It is truly my passion. I want each and every recipe that I craft to ring of my personality and love for good food, great moments, and amazing memories."
Let's go sis! For more of Vee, follow her on IG @veethebaker.
Vee’s 7-Up Pound Cake Recipe
Courtesy of Vee the Baker
Ingredients:
1 cup of salted butter (2 sticks), room temperature
1/2 cup of vegetable oil
3 cup of granulated sugar
1 Tbsp. vanilla extract
1 Tbsp. lemon extract
3 cup of all-purpose flour
5 eggs, room temperature
3/4 cup of Sprite, room temperature
Directions:
- We'll be using a single rack in the oven. Remove the top oven rack and place the bottom rack on the third position rack from the bottom. Preheat the oven to 290 degrees.
- Prepare your bundt pan by coating it with non-stick vegetable spray or shortening and flour. I personally prefer shortening and flour. (You cannot substitute vegetable oil for shortening here. The consistency is not the same.)
- Sift flour and set aside.
- Crack eggs in a small bowl, removing the chalaza. Beat eggs with a fork and set aside.
- In a bowl of a stand mixer, add butter, oil, sugar, vanilla, and lemon extract, and turn the mixer to Stir. Mixture should become light and fluffy before moving to the next step.
- Spoon in flour alternately with the Sprite while the mixer is going. You want to add enough Sprite to moisten the dry ingredients. I suggest you add the flour ingredients in thirds. Stir until mixture is smooth.
- Slowly pour in eggs while the mixer is running. Stir until batter is well mixed and smooth. Do not over beat the batter.
- Pour batter into the prepared bundt pan, spreading evenly to ensure the cake bakes out evenly.
- Bake for 90 minutes (timing will depend on how your oven cooks) or until the cake tester/toothpick comes out clean.
- Remove from oven and allow to cool for five (5) minutes before flipping out on the cake stand. Allow cake to finish cooling before serving.
Darius Cooks
Courtesy of Chef Darius Williams
Idle time might be the devil's playground but for Chef Darius Williams it was exactly what he needed to launch his now 7-figure business. After closing down his Chi-Town bakery two weeks before the pandemic hit, all it took was time, creativity, and a viral Peach Cobbler Pound Cake to position himself where he needed to be in this new season. And after just two weeks of fulfilling customer orders, Williams was able to obtain a space and staff to further serve his base with not just cakes but with a sense of care and compassion as well. "For me looking back over the years, watching my grandmother in the kitchen moving about--all of the values that I learned from her are sort of ingrained in me. And you see that come out in the food I make. So it's more so about expressing the history and the culture and all these little nuances that have inspired me to be who I am today."
Length of Time Baking: Over 20 years.
Favorite Dishes To Bake: "Red Velvet Cake, Vanilla Cake with Vanilla Cream Cheese. Anything I can mix with cognac, rum, or tequila when it comes to food––I enjoy that a lot."
Career Highlight: "Starting the pound cake business and in two months, making a half-million dollars."
For more of Chef Darius, follow him on IG @Dariuscooks.
Chef Darius Williams' Strawberry Moscato Shortcake
Courtesy of Chef Darius Williams
Ingredients:
- 2 cups of sugar
- 1 cup of vegetable oil
- 1 1/2 cups of buttermilk
- 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
- 2 eggs
- 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda
- 1 pinch of Kosher salt
- 2 1/2 cups of all purpose flour
- 2 cups of chopped strawberries
- 1 tablespoon of sugar
- 1/2 cup of Moscato wine
- For the whipped cream
- 2 cups of heavy cream
- 2 tablespoons of sugar
- 1 tablespoon of vanilla extract
Directions:
- Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
- In a bowl, combine the sugar, vegetable oil, and buttermilk until the sugar is dissolved. Then, add in the eggs and vanilla extract. Mix well. Then, add the remaining dry ingredients and mix until well combined.
- Pour into prepared ramekins and bake until golden brown. This should take 13-15 minutes.
- Once the cakes have cooled, remove and cut in half. Then, brush each half with Moscato.
- For the whipped cream, add all the ingredients into a mixer and whip until well combined.
- For the strawberries, mix with the sugar and Moscato and set aside.
To assemble, layer the cake with strawberries and whipped cream and enjoy.
Jarrett Hill
Having a restauranteur for a grandmother and a caterer for step-mom, if cooking didn't become a part of your personality, it would be very hard to believe. Luckily for Jarrett Hill, that isn't the case. Having been in the kitchen since he was a little kid, baking has always been an enjoyable part of his life. Whether it was baking desserts as a way to connect with his family as a young one or making monkey bread to cope with the myriad of emotions that come with a global pandemic, for Hill this passion is one he's found to be both a spiritual and saving grace during these times. "A friend of mine references cooking as a prayer and says sometimes cooking can be prayer if we're methodical in the way that we handle different things and really zoned in on it. That's always kind of stuck with me, that you can make anything into a prayer or a meditation. It's not just about sitting with your legs crossed or your hands folded. It can be anything where you really immerse yourself. And I've found that to be true for me."
Favorite dishes to Bake:
Puff pastry desserts, Cheesecakes, Banana Bread
What Baking Means for Him:
"I started to do 'rage baking' back in May and June with the protests happening all around because of anti-Blackness and policing. I was baking so much to the point where I started giving it away to friends. It's been something that helps me calm down in moments where I'm angry or sad or depressed. It's been really helpful. And I think part of it is also about feeling like you have a little bit of control over something. It gives a sense of accomplishment and I think that's important in the time we're living in right now. A lot of people's careers are thrown into question, their futures are thrown into question, and sometimes we just need a win."
Future Plans:
"I'm really curious about venturing into the edible space, so I've been intrigued by that. Especially since it's legal where I live in California. It's not a part of my long-term goals to open up a bakery, but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. I do enjoy it but I don't want it to start feeling like a job."
To keep up with Jarrett, follow him on IG @jarretthill.
Jarrett Hill’s Banana Bread
Courtesy of Jarrett Hill
"I add in twice the vanilla, scratch the coconuts, and sometimes (if I'm really feeling myself) like to switch out bananas for sweet potatoes. Making my own vanilla extract is one of my favorite secrets to always turning out great baked goods. And it's super simple using scrapped vanilla beans and your favorite pure alcohol – i like to use bourbon or whiskey."
Ingredients:
- 2 cups mashed bananas (about 5-6 bananas)
- 2/3 cups canola oil
- 4 eggs
- 2 cups all-purpose flour (and extra to dust pan with)
- 2 cups sugar
- 1 box vanilla instant-pudding mix
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
- 1 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
- 1 (3.5 oz) bar dark chocolate (chopped into chunks)
- Salted butter optional for serving
Directions:
- Preheat the oven to 325°F.
- In a large bowl, mix the mashed bananas, eggs, and oil and set aside.
- In another bowl, mix together the flour, baking soda, salt, sugar, and pudding mix. Mix the dry ingredients into the bowl of wet ingredients, but avoid using a mixer. Do this part manually to keep the end result nice and fluffy.
- Chop up the dark chocolate bar. Add that and the shredded coconut to the batter.
- Grease the pan (this means rubbing lots of butter all over it) and coat the butter in a layer of flour. Flip the pan upside down to shake out the excess flour.
- Bake until the cake bounces back when pressed or if a toothpick comes out clean when poked in. Depending on the pan, your baking time will vary. With a bundt pan, estimate around 60 to 80 minutes, depending on how deep it is. Let it cool for about 10 minutes and flip it onto a clean plate or tray for serving.
- Enjoy it warm with butter or a scoop of ice cream! Keep it either refrigerated or left out in an airtight container.
Desserts by Ine
Courtesy of Ine Ihonkhai
The search for the perfect cheesecake is what led this Parisian baker on a serious quest to satisfy her sweet tooth. Emerged in a world of French pastries, sadly Ihonkhai couldn't find one that truly hit the spot so she decided to bake her own and thus the love affair began. 11 years later, her love for baking and sharing her baked goods continues to be the driving force behind her success. "For me, baking is a passion that can be shared and enjoyed with family and friends. It's often the dessert that gets people talking over dinner and I love that! It's also an outlet to express creativity and to be as imaginative and original as you want, there are no limits in baking and that is what's so amazing about it. Of course you make mistakes along the way, but that's all part of the baking process and definitely what has turned me into the baker I am today."
The Best Part of Baking for Her:
"For me, there are three best parts: 1) being able to use my creativity to come up with new recipes and dessert decorations, 2) my love of baking has revealed a new passion that I didn't know I had before: food photography! I now love taking pictures of my desserts just as much as I love making them, 3) sharing my desserts with family and friends. Eating the dessert has got to be the ultimate best part, right?!"
Career Highlight:
"As a homebaker, my highlight would probably be when I was contacted by a well-established coffee shop to supply them with my desserts. Unfortunately with the coffee shop based in Washington DC and me over in Paris this was logistically impossible! However it was a real honour to be contacted."
Favorite Dishes to Bake:
"I love making entremets with at least three different layers. The complexity of the different flavours is always so interesting and also beautiful to look at. I also love making cheesecakes, my all-time fave!"
Save us a slice, sis! To keep up with Ine, follow her on Instagram: @dessertsbyine.
Ine’s Hojicha Matcha Madeleines
Courtesy of Ine Ihonkhai
Ingredients:
Madeleines
- 115g melted butter (cooled)
- 130g sugar
- 120g plain flour
- 1 tsp baking powder
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1 tbsp hojicha matcha powder
- 2 large eggs (room temp)
- 1 tbsp milk
Chocolate shell
- 200g white chocolate
- 2 tsps hojicha matcha powder
Directions:
- In a large bowl, whisk together the sugar, flour, salt, baking powder and hojicha powder. In another bowl, whisk the eggs and milk together until frothy. Pour the egg mixture into the flour mixture and stir with a spatula until just combined. Pour in half of the cooled melted butter and combine well before adding the rest of butter. Stir gently until just combined. Cover and refrigerate the batter for at least 2 hours.
- Preheat oven to 190C. Grease and dust two 9-shell silicone madeleine moulds. Scoop 1 tbsp of the hardened batter into each mould then bake in oven for 12 mins. Remove madeleines from moulds and allow to cool on a rack.
- Chocolate shell: Melt white chocolate in a bain marie to 29C then mix in hojicha powder. Pour 1 tbsp of the chocolate mixture into each mould shell then press the madeleines into them. Leave to set in the fridge for 1 hour before removing from moulds.
Enjoy with a hojicha latte!
Doctor Jon Paul
Courtesy of Doctor Jon Paul
Armed with the knowledge and impressive skills passed all the way down from their great-grandmother, Dr. Jon Paul took to baking with both a natural ease and passion. (And you better, especially when your entire maternal side inherently knows how to throw down in the kitchen.) But it wasn't until one of their uncles taught them and ONLY them, their great-grandmother's coveted peach cobbler recipe that they took their commitment to the craft and love of community to a whole 'nother level. "To me, baking comes from a place of love. Because not only is it chemistry, it's a lot of time. If someone bakes for you, it's a way of them saying 'I got you.'"
Favorite Dishes to Bake: Pecan Pie, Circus Cookie Cheesecake, Peanut Butter Pie
What Baking Means to Them: "The best feeling in the world is knowing that you made something that people really like or enjoy. It's that feeling when you bake a peach cobbler for someone and you drop it off, and then you go to pick up the container you brought it in and they're like' there's no more of this?' That's the best feeling. So it's a form of joy for me."
Future Plans: "I can't say but I did something during COVID related to baking that will be on TV. And I'm hoping to do more of that, but that's all I can say. But I would love to do something where I'm able to work with other Black and Brown creators, and we're having conversations about food and the connections that we have to it. So I would like to do more in the television or entertainment sphere about baking and what it means to Black people and Black Queer people specifically."
To keep up with Doctor Jon, follow them on IG @doctorjonpaul.
Dr. Jon Paul's Carrot Cake
Courtesy of Dr. Jon Paul
Prep Time: 35 min | Cook Time: 1 hr
Ingredients:
Cake Mixture
- 2 cups granulated sugar
- 1 1/2 cups vegetable oil
- 4 fresh whole eggs
- 2 cups pastry flour
- 2 teaspoons baking soda
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
- 3 cups raw finely ground carrots
- 4 ounces finely chopped walnuts
Frosting
- 1 1/2 pounds powdered sugar
- 12 ounces room temperature cream cheese
- 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
- 2 ounces room temperature margarine
Directions:
For the cake:
- Preheat oven to 300 degrees F. In a mixing bowl, mix sugar, vegetable oil, and eggs. In another bowl, sift together flour, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon. Fold dry ingredients into wet mixture and blend well. Fold in carrots and chopped nuts until well blended.
- Distribute batter evenly into 3 (9-inch) cake layer pans, which have been generously greased. There will be approximately 1 pound 5 ounces of batter per pan. Place in preheated oven and bake for 50 to 60 minutes. Cool layers in pans, for approximately 1 hour. Store layers in pans, inverted, in closed cupboard to prevent drying. Layers must be a minimum of 1 day old.
- To remove layers from baking pan, turn upside down, tap edge of pan on a hard surface. Center a 9-inch cake circle on top of revolving cake stand. Remove paper from bottom of layer cake.
For the frosting:
- In a suitable bowl of large mixer, place powdered sugar, cream cheese, vanilla, and margarine. Beat at second speed until thoroughly blended. Hold refrigerated and use as needed.
- For the assembly: Place first layer, bottom side down, at center of cake stand. With a spatula, evenly spread approximately 3 1/2 ounces of frosting on the layer.
- Center second layer on top of first layer with topside down. Again with a spatula, evenly spread approximately 3 1/2 ounces of frosting on the layer. Center third layer on top of second layer with topside down. Using both hands, press firmly but gently, all layers together to get one firm cake. With spatula, spread remainder of frosting to cover top and sides of cake. Refrigerated until needed. Display on counter or cake stand with a plastic cover.
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Featured image courtesy of Chef Jeff Morneau.
Writer. Empath. Escapist. Young, gifted, and Black. Shanelle Genai is a proud Southern girl in a serious relationship with celebrity interviews, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and long walks down Sephora aisles. Keep up with her on IG @shanellegenai.
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
Step One: Bond Repair Collection Shampoo
Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Collection Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
8 Semi-Uncomfortable Things That MUST Be Discussed Before Marriage
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. It’s a saying that virtually all of us have heard before, and yet, isn’t it interesting that, when it comes to things like marriage, far too many people are reactive instead of proactive? Take premarital counseling, for example. If folks are doing it at all (and not nearly enough are, trust me), they tend to wait until after they have gotten engaged and even set a date.
Yeah, I’m not a fan of that because, once you’ve already “locked in” on that level, going to see a marriage counselor or life coach is pretty much only seen as a mere formality. In other words, you’re not really looking to dive deep to see if there are some potential red, orange, or even yellow flags — you’re just going to a couple of sessions because it sounds like the right thing to do.
And because of that mindset, far too many people go into marriage totally blindsided and/or thinking that they can deal with things later and/or believing that love (which usually is some emotional version, not the biblical one — I Corinthians 13) will conquer all — and because of that, divorce court ends up becoming their reality. If not semi-immediately…eventually.
That’s why I write articles like this. Wisdom says that if you want to get into something as serious as marriage and you’re going to look someone in their eyes and vow to be with them for the rest of your lives, you both should know as much as possible about what you’re getting yourselves into…beforehand.
The following eight questions can help to lead the way when it comes to this…
1. Childhood Issues
A few nights ago, I found myself getting caught up in a movie on HBO Max calledOn Chesil Beach. It drags, so I’m not (necessarily) recommending it. However, it does help to drive home this first point that I’m trying to make because it’s all about the purely excruciating wedding “night” of a couple who waited to (attempt to) consummate their marriage. Although for a lot of it, the wife was pretty annoying, you do get glimpses of her childhood that help to shed light on all of her excuses and hesitancy (and there was A LOT of both).
If you do happen to want to watch the film, I won’t give all of what happens away. What I will say is that one of the main reasons why going to premarital counseling is so important is you and your bae should talk about childhood issues.
Listen, as one of my favorite quotes says, “Adulthood is surviving childhood.” Meaning, a lot of times, marriages struggle because it’s not two healed adults who are in the relationship; it’s more like two wounded (on some level, at least) kids who are trying to make a valiant attempt at an adult dynamic.
I know many people who grew up in hella dysfunctional homes who simply said, “I will never be like my parents when I grow up,” only to turn around and be just like them. How did that happen? It’s because of something that I tell a lot of my clients: we tend to do what’s familiar, not what’s right. The main way to prevent that from happening is by being open and honest about where we come from, how it all affected/infected/impacted us, and then getting help, if needed, before jumping the broom.
2. Greatest Heartbreak
Although I’m not sure that there is solid data on what I’m about to say, I stand ten toes down on the fact that I don’t think that men look to “fall in love” multiple times. If anything, they have a first love, their wife, and possibly someone in between. Why? Because contrary to what social media likes to cram down our throats about men, many men when they fall, they fall very hard and are all in. Case in point, I can’t tell you how many guys have told me how much of an influence their first love has had on them — even to this day. And when something monumental happens, it can totally change you (check out “Your Soulmate Might Be The One Who Broke You”).
That’s why I also think it’s a good idea for you and your man to discuss what your greatest heartbreak was like — past (how it affected you) and present (how you feel about the experience now). It can shed great light into how you see relationships and love and why you make some of the decisions that you now do. It can also help you both to express if there are still some unresolved issues that are dormant there because I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who, when things got rocky in their marriage, the very first place they went to was Facebook or Instagram to see what their “long lost love” has been up to.
A writer by the name of Jodi Picoult once said, “Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall.” Both of you discussing how this saying relates to this particular topic can, as I put it, “cover up mouseholes.” What I mean by that is, by getting it all out in the open, your partner will be able to know your wounds and weaknesses in that area and offer up some support and even protection — in ways you, he, or both may not have known was needed…until the topic was actually brought up.
3. Financial Habits
You know, I find it very interesting how the Good Book says that the LOVE of money is the root of all evil (I Timothy 6:10), and yet, pretty much any time I tiptoe out to see what social media is yapping — sorry, I mean talking — about, “broke” comes up incessantly. Listen, should you want to be with someone who is financially savvy and stable? 1000 percent. Should you also be the kind of person who you want to be with? 10,000 percent.
That said, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a premarital session and asked both people what their credit score was, only for them to look at me like I asked them to strip naked or something. LOL. Well, I guess, in a way, it’s the same thing because nothing reveals someone’s financial stuff like their credit score and what they’ve got in their savings account. Yet if you’re thinking that your soon-to-be spouse isn’t going to find all of that out anyway, you’re caught up in some sort of delusion that I’m not sure any therapist can get you out of.
Personally, I think that engaged couples should hire a financial advisor and get a financial mentor (preferably a married couple) to comb through both of their finances so that they can see each other’s current state, areas of strengths and weaknesses, and so they can come up with a financial plan for their first, third and fifth year of marriage.
You know, although actually the top reason for divorce these days has a lot to do witha lack of support (emotionally and otherwise),financial stuff is still up there. A part of the reason for that is that there’s no way around the fact that marriage is a business contract (among other things). If you’re signing up to do business with someone, you need to know what their finances look like. That’s common sense 101.
4. Character Weaknesses
Anyone who knows me knows that if someone tells me that they believe that they’ve met “the one,” while they are acting like that person is an angel on earth, the marriage life coach (and “Shellie”) in me is like, “Uh-huh. What are their character flaws, though?” It’s not to break their spirit or be a Debbie Downer or anything; it’s just that I have watched too many marriages crash and burn because they didn’t ask themselves questions like that before saying, “I do.”
For instance, one of my friends (who, yes, happens to be divorced now) told me that he had met who he believed was his soulmate; when I asked him about her potential character weaknesses, one of the things that he casually said was, “I mean, she has a bit of a jealousy streak but…” Umm, sir — you are handsome and an entertainer and you’re going to marry a jealous woman? Hacked emails and tons of drama later, he admits that he wished that he hadn’t underestimated that side of her personality.
Listen, no one is perfect — not by far. In fact, if you’re mature in your thinking, a part of what marriage is designed to do is give you the kind of accountability partner that will offer a safe space for you to address, refine, and improve some things about yourself.
However, in order for you and your partner to be able to do that, you need to know what those things are — and that needs to be discussed well before your wedding day, preferably in the presence of a reputable marriage therapist, counselor, or life coach who can help you to figure out what to do with the intel that the both of you are sharing.
5. Poor Boundaries
When you sign up to become someone’s spouse, your wedding day, in part, is about declaring to everyone that you want to make them the top priority in your life under God himself. And in order to keep anything from affecting that, you need to have some solid boundaries. Boundaries, at the end of the day, are nothing more than limits — and yes, you need to have limits as far as how much your family can know about your relationship, what your friends can and cannot speak on, and what kind of decisions y’all will make that, quite frankly, is no one else’s business…including the internet’s (because A LOT of people out here like to be passive aggressive about their relationship online).
Does it take a village to “raise a marriage?” In some ways, yes. However, when it comes to the vow-taking process, that is between a husband and his wife, and if they are religious, God. No one else made those promises and that means no one else should be as involved or invested as those two (or three) parties are.
Poor boundaries are the cause of so much drama in marriages and honestly, relationships, in general. You do not want to take the approach of, “We’ll figure out what limits we should have as problems present themselves.” Uh-uh. Talk about what your limits should look like ASAP, and make sure that you mutually agree on them too. This point alone can save your marriage more than just about anything else on here.
(P.S. A great book for you to check out isBoundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships. It’s by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.)
6. Perspectives on Daily Lifestyle
Something else that I’ve observed while working with married folks (and talking to older couples in Cracker Barrel; believe it or not, the marriage advice in there is top-notch!) is marriages tend to end, not so much because of one “big” thing that happened — it’s more like it’s due to the culmination of a lot of little ones.
Take how a person lives, for instance. I’ve dealt with couples where the wife was appalled by her husband not wiping the toilet seat, and the same husband was disgusted by her dishes being left in the sink overnight. A couple of weeks of this, and it’s whatever. Oh, but let it be some years? You’d be surprised.
It can actually be quite sobering to take a moment to ponder and process that, at least when you sign up for a traditional marriage, you’re signing up to share a home, bed, and life — for the rest of your life. If there are certain things that are super “icks” for you, if there are certain chores that you absolutely hate, if there are little pet peeves like sleeping with the television on or your partner being a morning person when you aren’t — you had better bring all of this stuff up now.
Many people have assumed that love will supersede peace when it comes to daily living. Chile, the reality is that you can love a lot of people who you just can’t live with. Please don’t find that out after taking vows and filling out paperwork. Discuss as much as possible about the day-to-day of how you both move, just as soon as you possibly can.
7. Patterns in Past Relationships
In interviews, some folks will ask me what I think about the whole “Does knowing someone’s body count really matter?” debate (check out “6 Things About The Whole 'Body Count' Debate That Should Be Discussed”). As it relates to this particular article, two things: one, check out TIME’s article, “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring,” when you get a chance. Secondly, let’s do it like this: if you were to find out that your boyfriend used to beat up on his girlfriends, but he hasn’t done it in a couple of years, would “That’s in the past” suffice as his rationale? BE HONEST.
No matter how nonchalant our culture chooses to be about sex, how we decide to move in that space is about more than recreation and experiencing orgasms. So yes, knowing about your past in this realm can shed light on your mindset, your perspective, and even some of your patterns — not just your sexual past, but your past, in general.
Anyone who wants to give pushback on that, I’ll just say this: it is human nature to brag about things that we’re proud of. When it comes to your sexual past, if you’re hiding or deflecting concerning it, why is that? And what would make you think that, eventually, the things that you are suppressing won’t somehow come out anyway? Real talk, a great sign that you’re over something or someone is when you can bring it or them up — not when you’re doing everything in your power to avoid it/them.
And when it comes to past relational patterns overall — have you always been the one to do most of the work? Do you tend to flee when things get too challenging? Do you ever stop to think about what you did wrong? Do you tend to handle things with ultimatums? Do you treat relationships as projects? Do you avoid things with sex? Do you not communicate your innermost feelings well?
A pattern is something that you do over and over, oftentimes very naturally. When it comes to the men of your past, what qualifies as a pattern for you? Getting married doesn’t miraculously make those patterns go away. Discussing them can help you to get to the root of those issues and if you need to break some of them on the front end.
8. Media Programming
A quote that I find myself saying often is by The Doors singer, Jim Morrison: “Whoever controls the media, controls the mind.” There is no way around the fact that media influences and impacts society on some pretty monumental levels (you can read more about thathere,here, andhere) — and so to think that what you take in when it comes to television programs that you view, movies that you watch, books that you read and social media accounts that you follow aren’t affecting you? That is some serious denial that you are in.
Case in point. I have a friend who also works in mental health. Whenever his wife is watching some trash reality television (and boy, is there A TON of it), he says that she is way more touchy to the point of almost being combative than when she isn’t. One time, he instituted a two-week fast from reality television. He said that the first week was rough for her, which caused her to realize that she was way more attached to the shows than she thought. The second week, she was calmer and far more peaceful (her words, not his). Did she totally give reality television up? I mean, we’re all a work in progress, right? LOL. She does watch it less, though, and their marriage is running smoother because of it.
As we close all of this out, definitely an underestimated influence in marriage is the media. Find out what your partner likes and why. See where the two of you are in sync, where you’re not, and what you think the compromises should be. Otherwise, you could end up with someone who is making judgment calls about your relationship based on what some random on TikTok said — you’d be amazed how many people do that. And it’s a damn shame that they do.
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There’s a reason why this article has the title that it does. Getting real — and I mean, really real — about relationships isn’t always the most comfortable thing to do; however, it is beneficial.
And what, after (genuinely) addressing things like this, you find out that you’re not as compatible as you thought? Eh. That doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Either — again, with the help of a marriage expert — figure out how to compromise or, if you ultimately can’t find enough common ground…as I oftentimes say, It’s always better to break up before marriage than divorce after it.
Words to live by. Promise you that.
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