For most of my adult life, I have been a fan of Ayurveda. The main reason why I appreciate it so much is because it’s an Indian-based holistic approach to medicine that focuses on the fact that keeping one’s system in balance is the key to optimal health and overall well-being. In fact, the word “Ayurveda” actually means “the science [or knowledge] of life” in Sanskrit.
Because Ayurveda is big on properly harnessing and utilizing one’s energy as well, it’s important to know that it’s a science that focuses on three main energy principles: Kapha which all about your body’s bones, muscles and tendons; Pitta (it incorporates fire and water) which is all about your metabolic system, and Vata (it centers around space and air) which is all about better understanding how your energy associates with your movements.
As life would have it, fall is the time of year when Vata kicks up into high gear. And so, in the spirit and goodness of Ayurveda, I thought it would be — pardon the weather pun — cool to share with you 10 things surrounding the practice that can help you to feel especially awesome this entire fall (and winter) season.
1. Dress for the Season. NOT the Weather.
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I don’t know about y’all, but something that one of my great-grandmothers used to say all of the time is “Dress for the season, not the weather;” this meant that, even if it’s a 70-degree day in October, I don’t need to act like it’s spring…because it’s not. She was Black; however, this is a pearl of wisdom that Ayurveda believes in too.
In Ayurveda, dressing in layers is a big deal — so is being intentional about covering up your head, neck and ears because, when cold weather or infections irritate these areas, that can directly impact your Vata in a negative way. So, if you need an excuse to get more hats and scarves this year — now you’ve got a really good one.
2. Focus on Your Ears
Speaking of your ears, because they are considered to be the gateway to your mind, Ayurveda encourages people to be hypervigilant about protecting them. Wearing ear plugs (to decrease loud noises); NOT using Q-tips (they can push wax further into your ear and/or potentially damage your eardrum); keeping your ears clean and dry; reducing stress levels, and exercising (so that blood can circulate to your ears in order to keep them healthy) are some of the ways to protect your ears.
Know what else you should consider doing? Massaging your ears. It’s another way to bring blood to them and decrease any anxiety that you might be feeling. You can read more about Ayurvedic ear massages here.
3. Consider Doing a Fall Cleanse
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Although doing a detox is a good idea no matter what time of year it may be, Ayurveda is all about cleansing one’s system in the spring and then again in the fall. The belief is that both times of the year are ideal for strengthening your immunity in order to deal with allergies (spring) and peak cold and flu season (fall). If you’re curious about what many fall-themed Ayurvedic cleanses consist of, you can check them out here.
For now, some of the tips include avoiding juice cleanses (the coldness of them in cold weather can affect your circulation), ramping up your herbal tea consumption and cooking with oils that will lubricate your system, add more antioxidants to your body and help to remove toxins like sesame oil.
4. Breathe. A Bit Differently.
Remember how I stated that both Ayurveda and Vata are about energy? Well, in Ayurvedic medicine, there is a breathing practice called nadi shodhana which is also known as alternative nostril breathing. The thought process here is by breathing through one nostril at a time, you can easily remove blockages both literally and symbolically. You can learn more about how to properly do it here.
5. Do (More) Yoga
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You might be surprised to hear this but another interesting thing about the Vata season is it’s actually recommended that you scale down (the potential stress and strain of) your exercise routine. Now, this doesn’t mean that you stop altogether — it’s just that since your strength and energy levels tend to be lower during this time of the year, it’s advised to participate in workouts that are sensitive like this — like yoga.
Yoga is something that you can do indoors. Yoga is low impact. Yoga directly addresses stress and depression-related symptoms. Yoga strengthens immunity. Yoga also helps you to feel less burned out — just in time for the holiday season.
6. Consume Herbal Teas That Focus on Proper Digestion
Something that is of peak importance in the practice of Ayurveda is making sure that your digestive system is working properly. And since fall and winter are when the consumption of hot herbal teas is at an all-time high, make sure to get the kind that are specifically made to benefit you as far as your digestion is concerned.
Teas that top the list include dandelion (it helps your body to better process carbs and fats); ginger (it helps with indigestion and bloating); fennel (it helps with constipation); marshmallow root (it helps to reduce gut inflammation), and peppermint (it helps to treat gas).
7. Get (More) Ashwagandha into Your System
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Ashwagandha is an herb that Ayurveda is extremely fond of. It’s with good reason too because this one does everything from decrease stress (and inflammation) and reduce depression-related symptoms to improve your brain function and sleep and improve the quality of sperm in men.
In fact, if you’re looking to spend a bit more time cuddled up this fall and wintertime, ashwagandha has been known to give libidos in both men and women a boost as well. You can take it in tea or supplement form.
8. Massage Your Body (with “Warming” Scents)
Whether it’s your scalp, your hands, your feet — or any other part of your body that tickles your fancy, make a point to massage yourself during the fall and winter seasons. It’s a surefire way to reduce stress; muscle strain; headache tension; make your feet feel more comfortable, and help you to get a sound night’s rest.
Make sure that when you do it that you incorporate a “warm” essential oil like cinnamon, juniper, clove, myrrh and vanilla. All are rich and inviting. All provide a comforting feeling to your mind, body and spirit too. For tips on how to give yourself a proper massage to various parts of your body, click here.
9. Bathe in Sandalwood (or Magnesium Flakes)
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In the Ayurvedic world, a bath is known as a snana and it’s all about treating bathing as a ritual so that you can — detoxify your system; reduce fatigue; increase blood circulation; beautify your skin; intensify your sex drive; improve your digestion, and give yourself more energy (which again, is what Vata focuses a lot on). To get the most out of this type of bath, do it in the morning time (yep) and with warm water.
Oh, and try either adding some sandalwood essential oil or magnesium flakes to the water. Sandalwood helps to reduce inflammation and anxiety. Magnesium flakes decrease fatigue while restoring energy levels.
10. Eat More Protein and (Healthy) Fats
And finally, as I was doing research for this article, I found it interesting that many articles say that, during Vata, you should “avoid cold, frozen or raw foods.” What should you consume instead? Warm, comforting dishes — ones that are loaded with protein and healthy fats including meats, eggs, almond and ghee oil, spices and root vegetables (like carrots, potatoes and garlic). Homemade stew, anyone?
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Remember, at the end of the day, Ayurveda is about finding the healthiest way to live your best life — and here are 10 easy and fulfilling ways to do just that. Happy Fall, y’all!
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I was inspired to write this because, recently, while reading about eight types of narcissists and what their traits consist of, I revisited what a vulnerable narcissist is all about. Then, as I connected some dots via another piece that I read about how it shows up in female friendships — well, because this is a platform for Black women, I definitely wanted to put y’all on notice. Because when it comes to toxic friendships (which really is a bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it?), there is probably nothing worse than having a narcissist friend — someone who displays traits like being highly self-centered, pretty apathetic, and constantly gaslighting those around them.
Okay, so what’s the difference between a “regular” narcissist and a vulnerable one? Yeah, let’s get into that now because I’ve got a feeling that some light bulbs are going to go on for a few of you…as it relates to at least one of your current…“friendships.”
So Basically, a Vulnerable Narcissist Is the Same Thing As a Covert One
GiphyIf you check out the article, “Science Says That Happy Couples Do The Following 7 Things” on this platform, one thing that you will notice that I said is, since I’ve been a marriage life coach, I’ve not really been big on using the word “vulnerable” when it comes to serious relationships. Charge it to being a writer who takes words pretty literally (dictionary-defined ones, not what social media makes up from year to year) yet I’ve never understood why we should encourage people to be vulnerable with someone who they deeply trust.
I say that because I know that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt” and “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.” And although I get that no one is perfect, if you feel like dealing with those closest to you requires taking this level of an emotional risk, on a fairly consistent basis? In my opinion, that is a dark orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
I’ve said before that my preferred word is “dependent” because it means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and healthy relationships? They absolutely should be INTERDEPENDENT. Yeah, whether it’s romantic, familial or a friendship — why are you out here feeling like sharing yourself makes you open to attack and harm when you should be involved with individuals who can be relied on for support? See the difference? And that is why a vulnerable narcissist makes sense to me — since a narcissist is unsafe, by the very definitions of vulnerable, a vulnerable one would be too. Even more so, in fact.
Here's the clincher, though. Even if you’ve never heard of a vulnerable narcissist before, I’m willing to bet that some of you have heard of a covert narcissist, which is basically the same thing. The fascinating thing about a covert narcissist is they are more subtle than some of the other types — which is exactly how they are able to trip folks up. Because although they need lots of attention and they tend to act really self-important (like all narcissists do), a covert narcissist moves in some pretty sneaky ways.
For instance, they might go really heavy on what seems like compliments (more on that in a sec) in order to make you think that they admire you when, really, they just want to get your guard down in order to get whatever they want out of you. Another example of a covert narcissist is they might act like they are proud of something you accomplished; however, they are actually sticking close by to get some of your contacts or to work themselves into the successful world that you created, so that they can actually compete with you. One more example of a covert narcissist is if they don’t get their way, they may ghost you for days, weeks or months at a time and then be all passive aggressive about it whenever they resurface.
And why are they like this? Because vulnerable/covert narcissists get off on gaslighting — they want you to feel like you are crazy for thinking what is, 8.5/10, spot-on about them. That way, you can be the villain and they can play the victim — even though it’s probably the exact opposite that is actually going on. They do this because, ultimately, to boost their ego. For a narcissist, pretty much of any kind, game-playing is what fuels them and makes them bigger in their minds than they actually are (or even deserve to be).
10 Dead-Ringer Signs of a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyOkay, so even with all of what I just said, what if you’re like, “Shellie, I think I get it, but I need a few more examples of what you’re saying”? I hear you and I’ve got you. Some other ways that vulnerable narcissists like to show up and out?
- They are hypercritical and condescending
- They act like they are allergic to accountability
- Their expectations are unreasonable (and hypocritical)
- They are walking contradictions
- They want to be the center of attention (and while monopolize things
- They are masters at giving others the silent treatment
- Their expectations are unrealistic and their demands are ridiculous
- They deflect instead of apologize
- They flatter (use fluffy and insincere words) yet don’t affirm or compliment (yes, there is a difference)
- They lack empathy or humility
And why — or even how — would you be a friend with someone like this? Well, the other thing that you have to keep in mind about narcissism is they are excellent at using charm to their advantage. Charming people tend to come off as being charismatic and witty. Charming people seem to be really interested in you (at least initially). Charming people have a way of making you feel very comfortable around them. At first, charming people seem genuine, attentive and respectful. And they definitely make a good impression — sometimes one that is so solid that you keep going back to that memory during the “bad times” with them.
Hmph. The thing that you have to always keep in mind when it comes to charm, though, is what Scripture says about it: “Charm is deceitful…” (Pr. 31:30) — and that is just what a narcissist is: deceptive.
And when it comes to a vulnerable narcissist and her friendships with other women? The deceptive runs deep.
How a Vulnerable Narcissist Shows Up Especially in Female Friendships
GiphyAlways remember that a vulnerable narcissist moves in subtle and sneaky ways. Hmph, that alone should make you want to ponder if you have some female friends who would fit the bill of being a vulnerable narcissist because we do have a way of being clever and ingenious…which are two of the things that come with being a subtle type of individual. And the way that subtle narcissists use their clever and ingenious ways to their advantage? I’ll give you an example.
A former friend of mine who was — and from what I hear, still is — an absolute vulnerable narcissist really wanted me to be her fan rather than her friend. One time, she even invited me to a bachelorette party and said, “You’re the only one here who isn’t a bridesmaid. You should feel honored.” Nah, what you really said is that you don’t truly value what I bring into your life enough to be a bridesmaid but you know I am good for bringing one hell of a gift and cheering you on regardless.
And that’s how a lot of our friendship was — doing way more giving than I was receiving, doing way more listening than leaning and when I would call her out on some of these things, she would either freeze me out or play the victim and act like somehow it was my fault that she wasn’t being a better friend.
Yeah, that’s what you’ve gotta watch about vulnerable narcissists — it is going to be oh so very rare that they will take full accountability for where they have dropped the ball. To them, somehow, it — whatever “it” is — is either going to be your fault or someone else’s. And that’s why, in their eyes, if you were a “real friend” to them, you would coddle them through not meeting your needs instead of expecting them to actually change their ways so that you both could benefit from the relationship.
And why don’t your needs matter? Because, to a vulnerable narcissist, they believe that they are worthy of extra special treatment at all times — think of them like being a bridezilla 24 hours a day. LOL.
And although some of what I said can be nuanced, for the most part, that really is how a vulnerable narcissist tends to make themselves seen and heard in female friendships: treat them like queens and expect to be mere subjects in their court or…why are you around at all, chile?
5 Hacks for Handling a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyFeeling triggered? Or better yet, are you feeling like you finally can “scratch the itch” of what you’ve been looking for to describe a certain person (or certain people) in your life goes? If that is the case and although you see some flags, there tends to be at least a little bit of good enough in your dynamic with “your” vulnerable narcissist to not totally break things off (yet), how do you keep a vulnerable narcissist from causing (anymore) harm?
1. Set firm boundaries. The former friend who I just spoke of? It took years to fully and finally unravel out of all of that (pretty much because she took her elitism to “no turning back” levels a few years ago). A part of the reason why is because she’s not the devil; she really isn’t — she’s just a narcissist. So, what I did to make things more bearable for myself for a while was set some emotional boundaries.
Sometimes I had to tell her “no” and provide no explanation behind it (narcissists think that they are owed every damn thing, chile). I refused to be at her beck and call all of the time. When I felt like she was stressing me out, I would take a bit of time off from phone calls or hanging out. Listen, you will never survive a narcissist, of any kind, unless you have some firm and consistent ARTICULATED boundaries set. If you don’t heed any other point, please heed this one.
2. Have consequences in place for when they are broken. There is no point in setting a boundary if there aren’t going to be consequences for when they are broken. So, for instance, if you tell a vulnerable narcissist that you don’t appreciate them not taking accountability for telling your business to a mutual friend (because they are also extremely entitled individuals), you should probably keep your mouth shut around them for a while. Narcissists care more about their present interests than your holistic comfort which is why they tend to do stuff like that (sometimes).
3. Look at patterns over promises. Narcissists are a lot like energy vampires — and something that both of those need is a source of supply to leech off of whether it’s attention, emotional investing, resources…whatever will benefit them and what they are wanting at the time. And that is why they have no problem telling you that they will do something for you…even if they don’t end up following through. They do this because they want you to put enough confidence in them to be willing to go out of your way on their behalf — at least until they get what they need in the moment. Be careful of that. In genuine friendships, you should be able to rely on others just as much as they should be able to rely on you.
4. Choose to not see them as your “safe place.” Remember, narcissists are charming. They can also be witty, fun and totally entertaining to be around. A word that I wouldn’t use for them, though, is “safe.” The former friend who I mentioned? Although she was good at keeping information confidential (which is a safe trait), she couldn’t be relied on when I was hurting because, somehow, she was going to find a way to turn the focus on her (that is unsafe). I mean, rarely could I tell her something and she wasn’t going to turn it into a story about herself. Yeah, narcissists are always on some sort of makeshift stage, chile. And that can be exhausting.
5. Make sure you know what your “breaking point” is. I tell clients often: Be okay with being someone’s consequence sometimes because there may be a chance that they won’t learn any other way. Do I miss that former friend of mine? Eh, by the time that I was done, I was DONE done. However, we had a lot of years between us and so there are memories that get to me on random occasions. And although I don’t hate her and can see her and genuinely care about how she’s doing, we have nowhere to go in the future. She’s always going to want me to do most of the work — and I am no longer interested in doing so. Breaking points are good. They let us know when a chapter in a relationship has…completed itself.
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An author by the name of Nassim Nicholas Taleb once said, “Love without sacrifice is theft” (that kind of makes me think of the late author Eric Jerome Dickey’s quote, “Sex without love is violence”). At the end of the day, that saying is a good way to “gut check” your relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. Ask yourself if you are basically the only one doing any sacrificing. And if that is indeed the case, is it worth it?
Remember, a vulnerable narcissist thinks that they deserve to be treated better than everyone else — including you. If you want to keep that type of person as a friend, just know what you are getting yourself into. Because since they are probably never going to change, you will be the one who has to.
One way or another, sis. One way or a freakin’ other.
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