I don't know about y'all but when I was growing up, when it came to what I should eat vs. what I should avoid, I oftentimes heard folks say, "If it's white, it ain't right." In this context, what that meant was foods like white bread, white rice (except for jasmine rice), white pasta — none of these were considered to be very healthy because they tend to be so over-processed that there is minimal nutritional value to them. Because of that, eating them on a consistent basis can lead to health issues like obesity, type 2 diabetes, constipation, depression-related symptoms and even fatty liver disease.
What's the alternative? Whole grains. What makes them so much better is because foods that are made from whole grains literally contain all of the grain in them — all of the bran, germ, and endosperm. This helps you to get so many of the vitamins and minerals as a direct result. And just what kind of grains are considered to be "whole"? Some include oats, barley, rye, wheat, quinoa, millet and corn (including cornmeal and popcorn).
OK. Now before you head off to your local grocery store and fill up your cart with whole grain foods, it's important to remember the very wise words of Aristotle — the excess of a virtue is a vice. As it relates to this particular topic, it's relevant because, while whole grains are good for us on a lot of levels, overdoing it can result in some unforeseen health issues, if we're not careful. So, as you're making out your next grocery shopping list, take into account eight good reasons to eat whole grains and four reasons to consume them in moderation.
1. They’re GOOD for Your Digestion
On average, whole grains contain somewhere between 3-5 grams of fiber per serving. As I'm pretty sure you know, fiber is essential to a healthy diet because it helps to keep "good bacteria" in your gut which makes it easier for you to digest food and have regular bowel movements. And the more regular your bowels are, the easier it is to keep toxins out of your body. All of this is a really good thing.
2. They’re GOOD at Fighting/Preventing Chronic Inflammation
Just for the record, inflammation is what happens when your system kicks up its white blood cells and whatever else it needs to go overtime in fighting bacteria or viruses. The challenge is, some people have health issues (for instance, arthritis) where, when inflammation happens, when there are no "invaders". As a result, healthy tissues become inflamed and damaged. Something that whole grains do is lower your risk of experiencing unnecessary inflammation. In fact, they are on the list of many health-related articles that mention anti-inflammatory foods. That is, unless you are allergic to a protein in wheat known as gluten. If that is the cause, it could cause inflammation in your system. I'll touch more on that towards the end of this article, though.
3. They’re GOOD at Redistributing Fat and Keeping Your Weight Under Control
Do whole grains help you to lose weight? Eh, it kind of depends on who you ask.
What I will say is, from what I've read and researched, consuming whole grains is a wise move on this tip because it has the ability to reduce the amount of fat that is currently in your system while redistributing it at the same time. For instance, people who replace white foods with whole grains tend to notice a real change when it comes to the amount of belly fat that's stored up in their abdominal region.
Sounds like a win to me!
4. They’re GOOD at Lowering Bad Cholesterol and Your Blood Pressure
If you want to keep your cholesterol levels and blood pressure under control, whole grains are really good at doing both. However, it should go on record that as far as your cholesterol goes, it lowers your LDL cholesterol and TC, not HDL cholesterol or triglycerides. Also, whole grain oats are the kind of whole grains that are most effective for this. As far as your blood pressure goes, because whole grains are a good source of potassium and potassium helps to weaken the effect of sodium in your system, that's why whole grains work so well in this department.
5. They’re GOOD at Giving You Your Daily Source of Vitamin B
If you basically want to take a B-complex vitamin, eat some whole grain foods. The reason why I say that is because they literally contain all eight B vitamins. This is good to know because B-vitamins help to boost your energy level, promote good digestion, strengthen your cells as they develop, keep your nerves in good shape, lower your stroke risk, boost your immunity, keep your hormones healthy and so much more.
6. They’re GOOD at Regulating Your Blood Sugar Levels
Here's another awesome point. While white foods (refined ones) can spike your blood sugar levels, whole grain foods are able to prevent this from ever happening. The main reason is because fiber has a way of assisting with insulin insensitivity. This means that the more whole grains you have — especially over white foods — the better you are at decreasing your chances of experiencing type 2 diabetes.
7. They’re GOOD for Your Oral Health
I bet you never thought that a bowl of oatmeal or some spaghetti that's made with whole wheat pasta could be good for your teeth; however, that is exactly the case.
The B-vitamins, iron, zinc, magnesium and antioxidants in them all help to keep your gums and teeth nice and strong. Also, since whole grains are good at keeping blood sugar levels in their place, this can promote good oral health overall.
8. They’re GOOD at Promoting Longevity
After reading all of the benefits that I just shared, it probably comes as no surprise to you that consuming whole grains is good for your overall longevity too. In fact, I read a study that said eating whole grains can lower your risk of heart disease by as much as 15 percent and overall death rate by 9 percent. Every little bit helps, right?
Now let's tackle just a few reasons why you should definitely balance how many whole grains you eat on a regular basis.
1. Eat Them in MODERATION Because They Can Trigger Bloating
Something that's interesting about whole grains is, although they're considered to be a pretty good source of fiber, the challenge is they're also an indigestible carbohydrate. When it comes to whole grains, specifically, this doesn't mean that they are bad for you. What it does mean is since your gastrointestinal tract lacks the enzymes to break them all the way down, they end up turning into a gummy texture in your system which slows down your digestive process which can ultimately lead to bloating. That said, the takeaway here is not that you should go without whole grains altogether, you just need to not have a ton of them in one sitting.
2. Eat Them in MODERATION Because They Can Also Trigger Autoimmune Diseases
First of all, let me say that if you've ever wondered what an autoimmune disease actually is, the short long of it is, it's when your body mistakenly attacks your immune system. OK, so remember how I said earlier that we would come back to gluten? Again, gluten is a plant-based protein that exists in a lot of different grains. Personally, I'm not big on the whole gluten-free diet for all because not everyone is allergic to it. However, if you are and you keep on eating it anyway, it can trigger the autoimmune disease known as Celiac disease. Also, if you've got some sort of a whole grain allergy and you battle with lupus, type 1 diabetes, multiple sclerosis, psoriasis, inflammatory bowel disease, etc., it can definitely cause the symptoms that are related to these health issues to flare up. In other words, whole grains and autoimmune diseases don't exactly get along.
3. Eat Them in MODERATION Because They Can Cause Kidney Stones
Recently, I was talking to my landscape architect about the reason why he had been MIA for a few weeks. "Have you ever had a kidney stone before? It's hell," he said with a miserable look on your face. Fortunately, I have not. I do know some folks who have, though, and they all express his same sentiment. If you can relate to where they are coming from, this is one more reason to watch how many whole grains you eat.
Something that whole grains have in them is an organic plant compound known as oxalic acid. While this acid is typically flushed out whenever we urinate, folks who are highly susceptible to kidney stones should be careful because this acid sometimes has a way of connecting to the calcium in our system which can ultimately create a kidney stone (ouch).
4. Eat Them in MODERATION Because They Could Reveal an Allergy
One more. I know a few people who are pretty healthy eaters and yet, for years, they were dealing with a lot of inflammation and bloating that they couldn't seem to get a handle on. That is, until they took an allergies test and realized that they were allergic to wheat and/or gluten. If after consuming whole grains, you notice that your skin feels itchy, you've got some bloating or inflammation going on, you have a headache, you feel nausea and/or you're going through an eczema breakout, it could be that you are allergic to a particular kind of whole grain. The only way to know for sure is to make an appointment with your doctor or to take a food allergy test. Everlywell is one company that offers food sensitivity/allergy tests that you can take from the comfort of your own home. The sooner you know, the better you'll feel about the kind of whole grains you eat, how much you consume them — and why.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Getty Images
- 15 Foods That You Should Start Eating Less Of ASAP - xoNecole ... ›
- Foods That Make You Feel Good, Improve Mood - xoNecole ... ›
- 8 Foods That Keep You Calm And Relaxed - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- 10 Best Breakfast Foods For Healthy Skin & Hair - xoNecole ... ›
RELATED
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images
