Spring is officially here now that the sun has transitioned into Aries, heralding the astrological new year. If the first few months of 2021 didn't feel like the reset you needed, the shift has finally arrived. A beautiful exchange between Saturn and the North Node invites us to set some new career goals for ourselves that are in alignment with our deepest wishes of fulfillment. Towards the middle of the month, the energy pivots into Taurus, encouraging us to reclaim our need for pleasure, comfort, and security. Check out the horoscopes to see what magic is in store for you in April!
Aries
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleAll eyes are on you this month with all of the action taking place in your sign. April kicks off with Mercury teaming up with the Sun revitalizing your spirit for some birthday fun. On the 9th, an harmonious interaction between Saturn and the North Node supports your efforts in fulfilling your dreams and your community--whether online or offline--plays a huge role in your success. The New Moon on the 11th invites you to make a wish for what you'd like to accomplish in the year ahead.
Around the middle of the month, your attention shifts gears from being the life of the party to getting serious about your money. With Venus, Mercury, and the Sun in this part of your sky, the floodgates are opening. New opportunities, financial increase, and promotions are likely during this time. On the 23rd, Mars enters Cancer, motivating you to make some adjustments to your home. A relocation or property investment is supported during this transit. This busy month comes to a close with a full moon on the 26th, encouraging you to resolve any outstanding debts that are hindering your financial freedom.
Taurus
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleApril begins with Mercury transitioning into Aries on the 3rd encouraging you to confront the bully within. Be mindful of the disempowering narratives you've got stuck on loop. An important conversation taking place around the 9th assures that your hard work and commitment to your goals is paving a path towards greater abundance. On the 11th, the New Moon encourages you to connect with healthy outlets for expressing your anger which is just as valid as any other emotion.
Towards the middle of the month, the energy shifts from Aries into your sign. On the 19th, your birthday season officially begins with the Sun joined by Venus and Mercury bringing you all of the blessings for your Solar Return. Your desire to learn something new or deepen the knowledge of your craft is heightened when Mars enters Cancer on the 23rd. Sign up for a course, attend a workshop, or read some new books to brush up on your expertise. The full moon on the 26th reveals any hidden agendas so you're clear about who is really #TeamTaurus.
Gemini
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
Your friends and social network have you busier than usual when Mercury enters Aries on the 3rd. This is a persuasive time in which you can rally up the troops in support of your vision. Use your influence wisely. On the 9th, Saturn and the North Node aim to align you with your destiny but trust that it will require some sacrifice. The New Moon on the 11th encourages you to dream bigger! Set a lofty goal for yourself that you want to accomplish within the next year. You'd be surprised by how the Universe orchestrates things in your favor once you truly commit to your heart's desires.
On the 14th, Venus transitions into Taurus with the Sun and Mercury joining the party a few days later. As the planet of vitality dips into your 12th house, you're invited to rest and reflect on the past year in preparation for your birthday season. When Mars enters Cancer on the 23rd, your need for financial security and physical comfort is all the more obvious, which has the potential to inspire you to take action towards creating a more luxurious life for yourself. The Full Moon on the 26th could reveal a hidden enemy amongst your circle. Take note and move (away) accordingly.
Cancer
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleApril is a busy month for you particularly when it comes to your career. With the Sun, Mercury, and Venus transiting this part of your chart early on in the month, you'll be busy with meetings, interviews, and the likes. You've got a little more pep in your step than usual, so make these first couple of weeks count. On the 9th, an uncanny spiritual experience gives you a glimpse into a past life pattern that you need to resolve in this lifetime. It's time to embrace the freedom that comes with living life by your own rules (as long as it doesn't harm anyone else, of course). The New Moon on the 11th presents a new career path that will help you cultivate more leadership skills.
On the 14th, Venus shifts into Taurus and is shortly followed behind by Mercury and the Sun. If you've got a big dream in mind and feel like it's impossible to do on your own, you're right! You weren't meant to go at it alone. Enlist the forces of your friends so you can all get to the bag together. Towards the end of the month, Mars enters your sign which could be a mixed bag of energy. One day you feel like the Energizer bunny and the next day you need at least 16 hours of sleep. Give yourself grace as you navigate the next month and a half. The month winds down with a romantic full moon encouraging you to indulge in some sensual seduction.
Leo
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
The month ahead is a busy one for you kicking off with Mercury entering Aries on the 3rd, inspiring you to venture into uncharted territory. Opportunities to share your expertise--potentially on a global scale--are made available to you during this transit. On the 9th, Saturn and the North Node team up to accelerate your growth through your social network. The New Moon on the 11th marks the reemergence of your spirit and its thirst for more wisdom.
On the 14th, Venus transitions into Taurus which could result in some pressure from an authority figure. All eyes are on you and the people are watching it. Remember that these are the moments that separate those that are really "bout it bout it" and those that are just fakin the funk. When Mercury and the Sun join this part of your chart, your every move is under a microscope. Put your best foot forward to secure your success and reputation. On the 23rd, Mars enters Cancer which will require you to prioritize more rest and reflection. April wraps up with a Full Moon, encouraging you to find the balance between nurturing your family and pursuing your goals.
Virgo
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleMercury is kicking up the dust in the shadows when it begins its transit through Aries on the 3rd. It's time to face your deepest fears with a bold and empowering perspective. Instead of harping on being the underdog, it's time to share the tale of how you slayed your metaphorical dragons. A much-needed adjustment in your lifestyle becomes all the more obvious around the 9th. Does your work truly support the life you want to live or someone else's idea of success? On the 11th, the New Moon is a supportive time for gaining financial support from others.
Towards the middle of the month, the energy shifts from vivacious Aries to down-to-Earth Taurus. With Venus, Mercury, and the Sun in your sister sign, your wanderlust is calling. Planning an international vacation may be top priority for you. While some of you may consider going back to school, others of you may have opportunities extended for you to teach others. When Mars shifts into Cancer on the 23rd, your friends are backing up your goals which gives you the wind beneath your wings to continue soaring to new heights. The month wraps up with a full moon revealing some hidden information. Can you keep a secret?
Libra
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe beginning of the month invites you to reassess your alliances and partnerships. Remember that asserting your wants and needs isn't synonymous with being controlling. On the 9th, your desire for freedom, creativity, and self-expression is heightened, helping you make your mark while inspiring others in the process. The New Moon on the 11th could have you signing your name on a contract for a new job. If you're in a serious commitment, things may suddenly be going to the next level.
On the 14th, Venus shifts into Taurus which is shortly followed behind by the sun and Mercury. You're feeling a little more private for the next month as you work on healing and deepening a connection behind the scenes. When Mars shifts into Cancer on the 23rd, you're feeling the pressure when it comes to making some career moves but trust that you'll rise to the occasion which will ultimately grant you favor in the eyes of an authoritative figure. April comes to a close with a full moon helping you resolve some unprocessed emotions that affected your self-esteem. You have the right to take up more space in the world and shine your light as the brilliant soul that you are. Now go be great!
Scorpio
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
The first part of the month has your schedule picking up the pace when Mercury shifts into Aries on the 3rd. This is a good time to take care of those outstanding tasks on your to-do list, schedule your annual health screenings, and get your ass back in the gym. On the 9th, Saturn trines the North Node, inspiring you to dream beyond the limitations of the generational traumas affecting your lineage. How are you preparing yourself to be a good ancestor for those to come? The New Moon on the 11th invites you to embrace some different habits to improve your lifestyle.
Towards the middle of the month, the energy shifts from high-spirited Aries to lowkey Taurus which has you prioritizing your relationships a little more than usual. With Venus in this part of your chart, you're being challenged to embrace a new way of relating to others. When Mercury and the Sun join this part of your chart on the 19th, the triggers are real but your awareness is realer. Stay present in the moment instead of getting drawn into an old story. On the 23rd, Mars enters Cancer which has you ready for another stamp in your passport. The month wraps up with a full moon in your sign reminding you of just how powerful you truly are.
Sagittarius
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
April kicks off with Mercury shifting into hot-headed Aries reminding you to think before you speak particularly in matters of love. On the 9th, you're committed to your vision of success and more discerning about the alliances you need to build to support your efforts. The New Moon on the 11th encourages you to take a bold risk when it comes to your creative expression, making this a great time to start a new hobby or project.
When Venus enters Taurus on the 14th, you're getting serious about a romantic prospect (or, at the least, attracting someone who's interested in something long-term). When Mercury and the Sun join the party, it's a good time to establish a better routine for yourself. You have the ability to accomplish quite a bit over the next few weeks if you stay disciplined. On the 23rd, Mars enters Cancer which could trigger some insecurities and fears of abandonment. Working with a therapist could be beneficial during this transit. The month winds down with a full moon in Scorpio revealing someone's true intentions which ultimately helps you get clear on where the relationship is headed.
Capricorn
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
Home and family matters have your attention in the first part of April when Mercury enters Aries. Some challenges may require some extra patience on your behalf as you aim to establish a greater sense of security. On the 9th, you're ready to commit to a shift in your career, whether you're moving on to a new job or expanding your business into uncharted territory. The New Moon on the 11th invites you to plant your roots somewhere new, making this a supportive time for relocating or renovating your current abode.
On the 14th, Venus shifts into Taurus inviting you to indulge in some play and romance. When Mercury and the Sun joins this part of your chart on the 19th, you've got some big plans when it comes to a creative project. Don't be afraid to invest in talents. You never know how far they can take you. Towards the end of the month, Mars enters Cancer which could result in some frustrating relationship dynamics or some steamy sexual tension. Make love or make war--it's your choice. April wraps up with a full moon on the 26th revealing who is truly #TeamCappie and who ain't. As they say, "The truth shall set you free."
Aquarius
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
The month kicks off with Mercury shifting into Aries lighting up your house of communications. You're feeling passionate, enthusiastic, and maybe a little bossy so just keep that in mind in your interactions with others. On the 9th, Saturn trines the North Node of destiny, encouraging you to take your creative pursuits more seriously. This is a particularly fated time for you in which you may even meet a significant romantic interest. The New Moon on the 11th is the perfect time to start that blog, write that book, or host a live session on Instagram. Your influence is powerful at this time so use it wisely.
Toward the middle of the month, Venus enters Taurus which has you wanting to cozy up at home with your significant other or your fur baby. When Mercury and the sun join this part of your chart be mindful of family drama. People are a little more stubborn than usual so you may have a hard time convincing others. On the 23rd, Mars enters Cancer which has you busy with daily activities, appointments, and errands. April wraps up with a full moon revealing someone's misuse of power serving as an example of how not to move. Remember--what's done in the dark always comes to the light.
Pisces
Laci Jordan for xoNecole
Your money and values are the top priority when Mercury enters Aries on the 3rd. Your negotiation skills are next-level during this transit, making this a good time to suggest a raise or promotion. When Saturn and the North Node meet up on the 9th, you're serious about moving past self-imposed limitations to create a more solid sense of security within yourself. The New Moon on the 11th invites you to strike for gold with a new stream of income. As one of the most multi-faceted zodiac signs, you've got plenty of hidden gifts and talents up your sleeve.
On the 14th, Venus shifts into Taurus, making this a good time to try a dating app if you're open for love. The energy is supportive for nurturing long-lasting commitments, making this the ideal time to shoot your shot. When Mercury and the sun join Venus, people are hanging on to your every word. Use your voice to inspire others to believe in their abilities (and their earning potential). On the 23rd, Mars enters Cancer, encouraging you to indulge in some romance. Flirt with that cutie at the coffee shop. Say "yes" to that date offer. And show yourself some love with some self-pleasure. April wraps up with a mysterious full moon inviting you to expand beyond your comfort zone in pursuit of your soul's ultimate fulfillment.
Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!
Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
- Best To Worst Zodiac Signs To Date - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- Best Meditation Practices For Your Zodiac Sign - xoNecole ... ›
- What Your Zodiac Sign Says About Your Work Ethic - xoNecole ... ›
- April 2020 Horoscopes For Every Zodiac Sign - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- May 2021 Horoscopes For Every Sign - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Best To Worst Zodiac Signs To Date - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Work Ethic According To Zodiac Sign - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- August 2021 Monthly Horoscopes, Every Zodiac Sign - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
____
I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock