Spring is officially here now that the sun has transitioned into Aries, heralding the astrological new year. If the first few months of 2021 didn't feel like the reset you needed, the shift has finally arrived. A beautiful exchange between Saturn and the North Node invites us to set some new career goals for ourselves that are in alignment with our deepest wishes of fulfillment. Towards the middle of the month, the energy pivots into Taurus, encouraging us to reclaim our need for pleasure, comfort, and security. Check out the horoscopes to see what magic is in store for you in April!
Aries
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleAll eyes are on you this month with all of the action taking place in your sign. April kicks off with Mercury teaming up with the Sun revitalizing your spirit for some birthday fun. On the 9th, an harmonious interaction between Saturn and the North Node supports your efforts in fulfilling your dreams and your community--whether online or offline--plays a huge role in your success. The New Moon on the 11th invites you to make a wish for what you'd like to accomplish in the year ahead.
Around the middle of the month, your attention shifts gears from being the life of the party to getting serious about your money. With Venus, Mercury, and the Sun in this part of your sky, the floodgates are opening. New opportunities, financial increase, and promotions are likely during this time. On the 23rd, Mars enters Cancer, motivating you to make some adjustments to your home. A relocation or property investment is supported during this transit. This busy month comes to a close with a full moon on the 26th, encouraging you to resolve any outstanding debts that are hindering your financial freedom.
Taurus
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleApril begins with Mercury transitioning into Aries on the 3rd encouraging you to confront the bully within. Be mindful of the disempowering narratives you've got stuck on loop. An important conversation taking place around the 9th assures that your hard work and commitment to your goals is paving a path towards greater abundance. On the 11th, the New Moon encourages you to connect with healthy outlets for expressing your anger which is just as valid as any other emotion.
Towards the middle of the month, the energy shifts from Aries into your sign. On the 19th, your birthday season officially begins with the Sun joined by Venus and Mercury bringing you all of the blessings for your Solar Return. Your desire to learn something new or deepen the knowledge of your craft is heightened when Mars enters Cancer on the 23rd. Sign up for a course, attend a workshop, or read some new books to brush up on your expertise. The full moon on the 26th reveals any hidden agendas so you're clear about who is really #TeamTaurus.
Gemini
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Your friends and social network have you busier than usual when Mercury enters Aries on the 3rd. This is a persuasive time in which you can rally up the troops in support of your vision. Use your influence wisely. On the 9th, Saturn and the North Node aim to align you with your destiny but trust that it will require some sacrifice. The New Moon on the 11th encourages you to dream bigger! Set a lofty goal for yourself that you want to accomplish within the next year. You'd be surprised by how the Universe orchestrates things in your favor once you truly commit to your heart's desires.
On the 14th, Venus transitions into Taurus with the Sun and Mercury joining the party a few days later. As the planet of vitality dips into your 12th house, you're invited to rest and reflect on the past year in preparation for your birthday season. When Mars enters Cancer on the 23rd, your need for financial security and physical comfort is all the more obvious, which has the potential to inspire you to take action towards creating a more luxurious life for yourself. The Full Moon on the 26th could reveal a hidden enemy amongst your circle. Take note and move (away) accordingly.
Cancer
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleApril is a busy month for you particularly when it comes to your career. With the Sun, Mercury, and Venus transiting this part of your chart early on in the month, you'll be busy with meetings, interviews, and the likes. You've got a little more pep in your step than usual, so make these first couple of weeks count. On the 9th, an uncanny spiritual experience gives you a glimpse into a past life pattern that you need to resolve in this lifetime. It's time to embrace the freedom that comes with living life by your own rules (as long as it doesn't harm anyone else, of course). The New Moon on the 11th presents a new career path that will help you cultivate more leadership skills.
On the 14th, Venus shifts into Taurus and is shortly followed behind by Mercury and the Sun. If you've got a big dream in mind and feel like it's impossible to do on your own, you're right! You weren't meant to go at it alone. Enlist the forces of your friends so you can all get to the bag together. Towards the end of the month, Mars enters your sign which could be a mixed bag of energy. One day you feel like the Energizer bunny and the next day you need at least 16 hours of sleep. Give yourself grace as you navigate the next month and a half. The month winds down with a romantic full moon encouraging you to indulge in some sensual seduction.
Leo
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The month ahead is a busy one for you kicking off with Mercury entering Aries on the 3rd, inspiring you to venture into uncharted territory. Opportunities to share your expertise--potentially on a global scale--are made available to you during this transit. On the 9th, Saturn and the North Node team up to accelerate your growth through your social network. The New Moon on the 11th marks the reemergence of your spirit and its thirst for more wisdom.
On the 14th, Venus transitions into Taurus which could result in some pressure from an authority figure. All eyes are on you and the people are watching it. Remember that these are the moments that separate those that are really "bout it bout it" and those that are just fakin the funk. When Mercury and the Sun join this part of your chart, your every move is under a microscope. Put your best foot forward to secure your success and reputation. On the 23rd, Mars enters Cancer which will require you to prioritize more rest and reflection. April wraps up with a Full Moon, encouraging you to find the balance between nurturing your family and pursuing your goals.
Virgo
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleMercury is kicking up the dust in the shadows when it begins its transit through Aries on the 3rd. It's time to face your deepest fears with a bold and empowering perspective. Instead of harping on being the underdog, it's time to share the tale of how you slayed your metaphorical dragons. A much-needed adjustment in your lifestyle becomes all the more obvious around the 9th. Does your work truly support the life you want to live or someone else's idea of success? On the 11th, the New Moon is a supportive time for gaining financial support from others.
Towards the middle of the month, the energy shifts from vivacious Aries to down-to-Earth Taurus. With Venus, Mercury, and the Sun in your sister sign, your wanderlust is calling. Planning an international vacation may be top priority for you. While some of you may consider going back to school, others of you may have opportunities extended for you to teach others. When Mars shifts into Cancer on the 23rd, your friends are backing up your goals which gives you the wind beneath your wings to continue soaring to new heights. The month wraps up with a full moon revealing some hidden information. Can you keep a secret?
Libra
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe beginning of the month invites you to reassess your alliances and partnerships. Remember that asserting your wants and needs isn't synonymous with being controlling. On the 9th, your desire for freedom, creativity, and self-expression is heightened, helping you make your mark while inspiring others in the process. The New Moon on the 11th could have you signing your name on a contract for a new job. If you're in a serious commitment, things may suddenly be going to the next level.
On the 14th, Venus shifts into Taurus which is shortly followed behind by the sun and Mercury. You're feeling a little more private for the next month as you work on healing and deepening a connection behind the scenes. When Mars shifts into Cancer on the 23rd, you're feeling the pressure when it comes to making some career moves but trust that you'll rise to the occasion which will ultimately grant you favor in the eyes of an authoritative figure. April comes to a close with a full moon helping you resolve some unprocessed emotions that affected your self-esteem. You have the right to take up more space in the world and shine your light as the brilliant soul that you are. Now go be great!
Scorpio
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The first part of the month has your schedule picking up the pace when Mercury shifts into Aries on the 3rd. This is a good time to take care of those outstanding tasks on your to-do list, schedule your annual health screenings, and get your ass back in the gym. On the 9th, Saturn trines the North Node, inspiring you to dream beyond the limitations of the generational traumas affecting your lineage. How are you preparing yourself to be a good ancestor for those to come? The New Moon on the 11th invites you to embrace some different habits to improve your lifestyle.
Towards the middle of the month, the energy shifts from high-spirited Aries to lowkey Taurus which has you prioritizing your relationships a little more than usual. With Venus in this part of your chart, you're being challenged to embrace a new way of relating to others. When Mercury and the Sun join this part of your chart on the 19th, the triggers are real but your awareness is realer. Stay present in the moment instead of getting drawn into an old story. On the 23rd, Mars enters Cancer which has you ready for another stamp in your passport. The month wraps up with a full moon in your sign reminding you of just how powerful you truly are.
Sagittarius
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April kicks off with Mercury shifting into hot-headed Aries reminding you to think before you speak particularly in matters of love. On the 9th, you're committed to your vision of success and more discerning about the alliances you need to build to support your efforts. The New Moon on the 11th encourages you to take a bold risk when it comes to your creative expression, making this a great time to start a new hobby or project.
When Venus enters Taurus on the 14th, you're getting serious about a romantic prospect (or, at the least, attracting someone who's interested in something long-term). When Mercury and the Sun join the party, it's a good time to establish a better routine for yourself. You have the ability to accomplish quite a bit over the next few weeks if you stay disciplined. On the 23rd, Mars enters Cancer which could trigger some insecurities and fears of abandonment. Working with a therapist could be beneficial during this transit. The month winds down with a full moon in Scorpio revealing someone's true intentions which ultimately helps you get clear on where the relationship is headed.
Capricorn
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Home and family matters have your attention in the first part of April when Mercury enters Aries. Some challenges may require some extra patience on your behalf as you aim to establish a greater sense of security. On the 9th, you're ready to commit to a shift in your career, whether you're moving on to a new job or expanding your business into uncharted territory. The New Moon on the 11th invites you to plant your roots somewhere new, making this a supportive time for relocating or renovating your current abode.
On the 14th, Venus shifts into Taurus inviting you to indulge in some play and romance. When Mercury and the Sun joins this part of your chart on the 19th, you've got some big plans when it comes to a creative project. Don't be afraid to invest in talents. You never know how far they can take you. Towards the end of the month, Mars enters Cancer which could result in some frustrating relationship dynamics or some steamy sexual tension. Make love or make war--it's your choice. April wraps up with a full moon on the 26th revealing who is truly #TeamCappie and who ain't. As they say, "The truth shall set you free."
Aquarius
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The month kicks off with Mercury shifting into Aries lighting up your house of communications. You're feeling passionate, enthusiastic, and maybe a little bossy so just keep that in mind in your interactions with others. On the 9th, Saturn trines the North Node of destiny, encouraging you to take your creative pursuits more seriously. This is a particularly fated time for you in which you may even meet a significant romantic interest. The New Moon on the 11th is the perfect time to start that blog, write that book, or host a live session on Instagram. Your influence is powerful at this time so use it wisely.
Toward the middle of the month, Venus enters Taurus which has you wanting to cozy up at home with your significant other or your fur baby. When Mercury and the sun join this part of your chart be mindful of family drama. People are a little more stubborn than usual so you may have a hard time convincing others. On the 23rd, Mars enters Cancer which has you busy with daily activities, appointments, and errands. April wraps up with a full moon revealing someone's misuse of power serving as an example of how not to move. Remember--what's done in the dark always comes to the light.
Pisces
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Your money and values are the top priority when Mercury enters Aries on the 3rd. Your negotiation skills are next-level during this transit, making this a good time to suggest a raise or promotion. When Saturn and the North Node meet up on the 9th, you're serious about moving past self-imposed limitations to create a more solid sense of security within yourself. The New Moon on the 11th invites you to strike for gold with a new stream of income. As one of the most multi-faceted zodiac signs, you've got plenty of hidden gifts and talents up your sleeve.
On the 14th, Venus shifts into Taurus, making this a good time to try a dating app if you're open for love. The energy is supportive for nurturing long-lasting commitments, making this the ideal time to shoot your shot. When Mercury and the sun join Venus, people are hanging on to your every word. Use your voice to inspire others to believe in their abilities (and their earning potential). On the 23rd, Mars enters Cancer, encouraging you to indulge in some romance. Flirt with that cutie at the coffee shop. Say "yes" to that date offer. And show yourself some love with some self-pleasure. April wraps up with a mysterious full moon inviting you to expand beyond your comfort zone in pursuit of your soul's ultimate fulfillment.
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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