There really is no tellin' how much happier most of us would be if we spent more time in the pursuit of what we need than what we want. Personally, I think part of the reason why we struggle in this particular area is the lines tend to blur far too much between the two. Do you need more money or do you want it? Do you need another car or do you want it? Do you need a man or do you simply want to be in a relationship with one?
Wait. Before you answer those questions, let's define the difference between a need and a want. A writer by the name of Erin Huffstetler breaks it down pretty darn well. According to her, a need is something we have to have while a want is something that we would like to have. In other words, a need is something that is essential while a want is merely a preference.
OK, with that kind of foundation laid, let's get into some things that I've heard a lot of men say that they need. I've heard it in counseling sessions. I've heard it from male friends. I've heard it on YouTube videos and podcasts. I've read it in books and on blogs. Not only have I heard men consistently say that they need the things that I'm about to share with you, I've also heard that the source of their frustration in relationships is the fact that they keep not getting them. Even when they express them.
As you check out this list, continue to keep in mind that 1) a need is not a desire; it's more like a requirement and 2) it's really hard to remain in a relationship, let alone satisfied in one, if a person is not getting what they need.
Is your man getting these following needs met? If you're not sure…ask him.
Confidentiality
Something that I deal with in marriage counseling sessions a lot more than I would've ever thought I would is husbands who wish their wives would stop talking so much. I don't mean talking in the sense that, reportedly, women use more words than men do (for the record, some say that's the gospel truth while others say it's a myth). I mean they wish their wives didn't think that everything that happens within the four walls of their home was something their mom and/or sister and/or bestie had to hear about.
Something that is beautiful about exclusive relationships is there should be a sense of confidentiality in them. One definition of confidential is "having another's trust or confidence; entrusted with secrets or private affairs" and another is "indicating confidence or intimacy". It's kind of ironic that a lot of women wish their men would open up more, while their man is like, "I would if you quit telling so much of my business and our business." Hmm.
Respect
wizardofhomes.files.wordpress.com
If you've never heard of Dr. Myles Munroe, please do yourself a favor and Google him when you get a chance. Tragically, he and his wife died in a plane crash back in 2014 but, while he was alive, he was a powerhouse; especially when it came to helping people to discover and understand their purpose in life.
Anyway, there's a YouTube video that starts out with him saying, "Men don't want respect, they need it. A man does not need love. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that a woman should love a man." And you know what? He's right. We as women need love and so we tend to spend a lot of time giving what we need rather than what the men in our lives need. Then we resent them when they don't respond in the way that we do to our acts of love when it's respect that they are after…more.
Remember, a need is something we have to have. A definition of respect is to esteem someone. When I've asked some of the men that I know to define respect from their perspective, things like—valuing their views and decisions; not talking over them while they're speaking; not airing their flaws and vulnerabilities in public; not nagging them to death or talking to them like they're children; not chiming in on conversations and jokes that degrade men and not telling them how to feel or think are forms of respect.
If a lot of us were honest with ourselves, we'd have to admit that we could stand to get better in this area. For real, for real.
CLEAR Communication
One of my favorite things—that is sometimes also one of the most annoying things—about most of the men in my life is they are extremely literal. Literal when it comes to what they say and how they process what I am saying. I'll give you an example of what I mean via a counseling session I was recently in.
As the wife was sharing with me that she had it up to here with her husband not listening to her, she shared with me that she asked him to go to the store to get some veggies for a salad. When he came back, she was irritated when she saw he didn't bring home any salad dressing. The husband said just what I thought he would: "If you needed salad dressing, you should've said that." The wife's response was, "You should've known that if we needed salad, we needed dressing."
Should. Ugh, it's one of those words that causes all sorts of unnecessary drama. It implies that just because we think a certain way that others "should" do the same thing. If you really stop and think about that, it's a very arrogant way to approach matters and situations.
I can't tell you how many men have told me that they wish more women would say what they mean and mean what they say, that they would stop expecting them to read their minds and—most of all—they would not say "nothing is wrong" if something actually is.
Poor communication continues to be a leading cause of divorce. For both men and women—albeit for different reasons and in different ways—clear communication is a definite need.
Tone-Sensitivity
If you ask a man to talk to you about what he likes most about some of his favorite songs, I'm willing to bet that he's gonna talk about the music more than the lyrics. Women? Usually, it's the opposite. Keeping this in mind, to me it makes sense that science has discovered that men oftentimes have a difficult time processing the tones in our voices. It has to do with the vibration and sound waves that we have, making it challenging for them to decipher everything that we're saying.
A lot of men have told me that they can talk about almost anything the woman they love has to say if she's not yelling it or screaming it. However, when she's doing that, they automatically check out. Hey, don't shoot the messenger. I'm just telling you what's been told to me. Don't get too mad at your man either. He's just acting like science says men do.
Acceptance
Think about what our men—and by "our", I mean Black men—go through on a daily basis. If anyone is under constant attack and scrutiny, it's them. A lot of us know this and will even address this fact on Black Twitter, only for them to come home and hear from our own mouths all of the things we want them to change about themselves.
Personally, I think that healthy relationships consist of two people who want to IMPROVE not CHANGE one another. I also believe that with love, comes acceptance. Acceptance in the sense of affirming our partner, forgiving our partner, being intentional about making them feel heard, felt and appreciated, and letting them know that they are special and valued.
I can't tell you how many times a man has said to me, "If she's never satisfied with me, why is she here?" No one wants to be with someone who doesn't make them feel good about themselves. Yep, I totally get why, for men, acceptance is a need.
Space
Some of y'all ain't gonna want to hear this but it still needs to be said. Some of us can't keep a man because we're trying to hold on to them so tightly that it's like…they can't breathe (the hilarious #FreeTristanThompson hashtag from a while back immediately comes to mind).
Men aren't looking for someone to take over their life or even to be all up in every detail of it; they want someone who will be a good complement for them. Women who are constantly calling and texting; women who have a problem with their man spending time with other people; women who are distrusting and semi-paranoid and even women who are ALWAYS available—these are examples of women who don't know how to give a man some space.
For guys, this is so much of a need that if a woman doesn't grant it, no matter how much he digs her, he'll probably let her go. (Don't try and test this one out. Just accept it for what it is.)
Non-Bartered Affection
"Coochie coupons". This is a term I invented for wives who barter sex rather than give it simply as an act of love. Want some new shoes? Give him some. Dead in the wrong and too prideful to apologize? Give him some. Purchased something that was totally out of the family budget? Give him some.
Another Myles Munroe video worth checking out is "Men Don't Want Sex, They NEED Sex". I'm referencing that video simply because it's my personal belief that men—especially men in long-term commitments—don't just need sex, but the physical affection and emotional connection that comes right along with it. Call it lame if you want to, but I've sat in countless sessions with husbands who are upset that their wife won't cuddle with them on the couch or who won't initiate sexual activity (not just or solely intercourse, either).
As women, we don't want to be objectified. Men? They don't want to feel that sex—or again, even just affection—has strings attached to it. Yeah, only women who have books of coochie coupons in their arsenal got offended when they read this part of the article. The rest of us are just…taking notes.
Reciprocity
C'mon true hip-hop heads. What's the name of the song that has these lines in it? "Tell me, who I have to be/To get some reciprocity/No one loves you more than me/And no one ever will." I don't think I've heard a song with the word "reciprocity" in it before or since Lauryn Hill sang this. And man, it has to be one of the biggest things that men and women need in a relationship and don't seem to get enough of.
I can't tell you how many times a man has told me that he needs to be affirmed, appreciated and felt like he is truly adored. Meanwhile, in his relationship, his woman thinks that these are the kinds of things that she should receive more than she gives.
The couples I know who are the healthiest and happiest are the couples who pour into their partner the very things that they want to receive from them. So, if you're in a relationship, do you and it a favor and ask your man if he feels that he's getting what he's giving. If he says "yes", pat yourself on the back. If he says "no" or nothing, try and remove your ego out of the way and figure out how to make some adjustments.
A huge key to a successful relationship is not giving someone what you want to give, but to really hone in on what they say they need. Amen? Amen.
Featured image by Getty Images
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RELATED
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023