5 Signs Something Simply Isn't Meant To Be
As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was being redirected to something better. That quote? There are honestly so many people who are credited for saying it (Maya Angelou, Steve Maraboli, Imam Al Ghazali) that I don't know who to give it to. I'm using it because I honestly couldn't find a more appropriate way to start this piece off.
A couple of nights ago, while perusing the internet, I read two pieces that had the same theme albeit two different approaches. One was a Q&A about a woman who dated a guy who claimed to not believe in marriage. After six years of being together, they broke up, only for him to get engaged "10 seconds later". The other piece featured a letter that a woman wrote to her ex who chose to marry someone else.
In some ways, both articles were heart-wrenching. I think we all know what it's like to really want something (or someone), only to have things not turn out the way we wanted it (or even expected it) to. But as I thought about how the advice the first woman received was her needing to accept that it wasn't that the guy was opposed to marriage, it was that he didn't want to marry her (ouch), and how the second woman came to resolve of "If you would have stayed, I might have always believed that you were the best thing about me and never searched for more and found that it was always within myself all along," one overall conclusion came to my mind.
Life not going as planned can hurt. No doubt it. But you know what's so much worse? Putting all of your blood, sweat, tears and time into trying to make something work that simply isn't meant to be. Refusing to accept that no matter how much you love or desire something, you really should let it go.
How can you know if this is something you are in complete denial about?
5 Signs Something Isn't Meant To Be
1.You’re Changing the Very Core of Who You Are to Make It Work
Whenever a woman writes me to talk about how, in the midst of trying to make a relationship work or last, she feels like she's literally breaking her neck to make it happen, most times my response is "You only find yourself bending over backwards when your bar is low."
I've been engaged before. Once. For a day. My fiancé passed back in 1995. We were both just 21. When I think back to what made him such a truly exceptional kind of man to love, it's that he celebrated every part of my being. He didn't want me to dress differently, lose (or gain) weight, like things I didn't like or change my personality in order to be a better "fit" for him. He dug me. Head to toe. Inside and out. End of story.
I can't say that about some of the guys who followed him. One man, in particular, he was always dropping hints about liking longer hair, wishing that I was less outgoing and not quite so—he said militant but I'm gonna go with—Black (and yes, he is a Black man—SMH).
I loved him, so I looked at trying to accommodate his preferences as a form of compromise. Looking back, I was actually co-signing on him trying to change the very core of my being. Coming to that revelation was tough, but it taught me a very valuable lesson—however God made you, there is a purpose in it. Whatever and whomever are meant for you will not try and change you, they will complement and improve you.
Anything or one else? LET. IT. GO.
2.It Doesn’t Benefit Your Purpose in Any Real or Lasting Way
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OK, let's expound on that purpose point for just a second. How much time do you spend 1) focusing on why you exist and 2) making sure that you live that reason out to the fullest? Bookmark that for just a sec.
The first word that's used to define a woman in the Bible is "helper" (Genesis 2:18). If you look up the Hebrew word the helper, it's Ezer Kenegdo, which means "lifesaver" (dope, right?). As someone who does apply the Bible to her life, I think being designed to be a helper/lifesaver is a part of the reason why we, as women, go ALL IN for the men—shoot, the people in general—that we love. But I'm not ONLY here to help others. God gave me my own specific and individual purpose outside of supporting other people.
When it comes to romantic relationships, I've learned to accept that if a man doesn't wake up the queen in me, he's not my king. Meaning, if he's not someone who is using his gifts, resources, and time to help me to thrive as a woman, as I do the same for him, while he might be meant to be in my life in some sort of capacity, it's certainly not as a husband.
And you know what? This applies to all other sorts of dynamics as well—friendships, career paths, opportunities. If you keep putting yourself into people, places, things, and ideas that distract you from your purpose, you definitely need to do some personal reassessing. Life is way too short to be out here doing any and everything but what you were put/sent here to do in the first place.
3.Nothing You Do Is Ever Really Enough
The last official corporate job I had was processing contracts for a timeshare company almost 20 years ago. It didn't matter how early I arrived, how many contracts I processed, or how many times I skipped lunch to help someone out, one of my managers was always dissatisfied with my performance. The harder I tried, the more frustrated they got and the more stressed out I would become. This cycle continued until one day, I got fired.
To this day, that is the only time that has ever happened. When I walked out and sat in my car with a "What the heck was that?!" look on my face knowing that money was tight and rent was due, I thought it was one of the worst things to ever happen to me.
In hindsight, it was the direct opposite. It's one thing to be devoted or even to make sacrifices. It's another matter entirely when you find yourself giving your all and, whether it's a job or relationship, to others, it really doesn't matter.
Something that is meant to be will appreciate you and show it.
Something that isn't, won't.
4.Fear Rather Than (Self) Love Is the True Motivator
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A Vietnamese monk by the name of Thich Nhat Hanh once said, "Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future." I can't tell you how many relationships (friendships included) that I kept hanging onto, well past their shelf life, because I thought I was being loving when really what I was being was fearful. Either I was hanging on to the past parts when things were good or I was freaking out about what was in store for me if I moved on.
If you're staying with something or someone because you're scared of what will happen if you release it/them, that's usually a sign that you have an unhealthy attachment to it. True love is about growth, freedom, joy, flexibility, and even wisdom, mercy and grace. Fear doesn't exist well in any of those attributes.
A lot of people are currently in some pretty toxic situations, all because they are afraid of what life would look like if they removed themselves from them. But all fear does is make you worse, not better.
If fear is your motivation for anything, there's a good chance that while you may be trying to hang onto something (or one), it probably isn't meant to be.
5.You Lack Inner Peace
What comes to your mind when you think of peace? Stillness? Tranquility? No drama? All of those are great definitions but the Hebrew word "shalom" takes peace to an entirely different level! Shalom isn't just about quiet. It's about being whole, complete, and even content.
Looking back, there were so many things in my life that I was trying to force to be "meant to be" that had one blaring red flag that they weren't—I had no peace. They were fragmenting me, they were harming me and they certainly didn't bring a state of harmony and contentment to my health and well-being.
I know a lot of us want something to work out simply because we want it. But be thankful that God and the Universe love you far too much to allow that to happen.
When things seem like they're not working out, if it's based on the things that I just shared, give thanks. When something isn't meant to be, it's because something else is. Release so that you can ultimately receive.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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