In the immortal words of Beyonce, hey all my single ladies!
If you're looking for love while you work on securing the bag, this read will give you divine tips on how to secure your soulmate in 2018 based on your zodiac sign. In honor of the month of love, we are providing you with the secrets to attracting the love you deserve.
The love you've been waiting for might be closer than you think. Click through the gallery below to learn what the stars have in store for your love life this year, according to your zodiac sign.
1.Aries
Aries, indecision due to steep expectations and wanting to be in ultimate control will not lead you to finding the love of your life. Sometimes you have to take the good with the bad, and no one is perfect. Sometimes Aries will get stuck in between a rock and a hard place when it comes to love because of being unable to just go with the flow and let the cards fall where they may. I know you are a spit-fire when it comes to love, but you must allow the potential "one" to shower you with genuine love and passion. You may want to soar in love with the right person, but sometimes you have to let yourself fall into it.
Let down your guard and your soulmate will be there to catch you.
2.Taurus
The power in finding the one for Taurus lies in manifestation and affirmation. The one will come when you least expect it this year, if you set the right intention.
You are the magician in your world and you can speak this divine love into existence.
When you find this person, you won't have to play hard to get because this man or woman will be the partner you've been praying for. The power of the mind is not a joke, and the power of the heart is even stronger. Manifest through both mind and heart, and you will conjure your soulmate this year.
3.Gemini
Gemini, you might be holding onto someone you've been wanting for a long time, but he or she is not the one. If you can dissolve your lust for this person who is not for you, the right person will come along before you know it.
You have to allow emotional space for true love to come in.
If you are afraid to lose something that you know is less than what you deserve, you may miss out on the one that is made just for you. You deserve more, and you deserve reciprocation in love. Open yourself up to receive it.
4.Cancer
The one for you will be able to provide for you financially, emotionally, and spiritually. Stop entertaining people who only check 1 or 2 of 3 of those requirements because it feels good in the moment.
Affirm that your soulmate will check all the boxes, and not just the emotional or sexual ones.
Once you set these intentions, your soulmate will be delivered to you in a fairytale-like manner.
5.Leo
Leo, you have to get out there and be social. You will never meet the one staying home watching romance movies on Netflix, and apps like Tinder might not be the way to go.
You must be willing to get out of your comfort zone and expand your circle of prospects.
Travel, go to new places, and try new things. You will meet the right person if you put yourself out there. Stay away from bars and nightlife. Try speed dating, or look for a meetup with people who are into the same things as you.
6.Virgo
Virgo, you may often find yourself in fleeting relationships that run out of steam because you are in love with the idea of being in love. If you find yourself in one relationship after the next, ask yourself why the passion fizzles out so quickly.
In order to find "the one," you may need to cut off all your prospects that you are dating just for the sake of dating them.
Build up your self-control when it comes to wanting to date frivolously. Focus on your career and purpose and the one you will never lose a buzz for will come buzzing along.
7.Libra
Libra, you are a very independent and proud woman who wants and deserves the best...but you might be falling for partners who are flashy and present themselves as wealthy or worldly, but they may be superficial or egotistical. You may fall for the charmer who appears to be outwardly successful, but comes with baggage and emotional wounds that they expect you to mend. The one for you won't be a fly-by-night person and will show a level of emotional maturity that you're not used to.
"The one" will humbly show that he or she has sacrificed to get where they are, and that is the type of character you really need in a soulmate.
8.Scorpio
Scorpio, you tend to be a heartbreaker because of your alluring aura. You jump into relationships very quickly, and don't give the bond a substantial enough time to form a long-lasting and sturdy foundation before you bounce.
To find your soulmate in 2018, take your time.
Get to know anyone new fully. Pick their brain and create a deeper spiritual connection. Date someone who is spiritually aligned, creative, and free-spirited. This person is most likely to be the one for you.
9.Sagittarius
Sag, you may have some unresolved feelings attached to a past love that is energetically blocking "the one" from entering your life. If you compare a new prospect to an ex, then this person is not the one.
"The one" will have you saying, "ex, who?"
Listening to your inner wisdom, and gut feelings will lead you to your soulmate, but you have to completely cut the cord to any old flames. Learn from your past mistakes, and lessons in love, and leave the past in the past where it belongs.
10.Capricorn
It is likely that you find the one in a professional setting. Whether it's someone at the office, or at a networking event in your field, your soulmate will love how you take charge, lead, and are all about securing the bag. You may even work with this person in a professional way.
Don't be afraid to explore this option...just keep it professional and separate business from pleasure.
You may even meet this person in a place of business. So the next time you go to the bank and the teller is fine and doesn't have on a ring, give them your business card, wink, smile, then strut away.
11.Aquarius
In order for you to find the one, you actually have to make an effort to find him or her. They will not magically show up at your front door and you won't find them hiding underneath your bed. If you have been dating the same type of person, that is one of your problems right there.
"The one" will excite you and leave you enticed and wanting more.
He or she will break all of the rules, but you will be drawn to them like a moth to a flame. Take a walk on the wild side...that is where "the one" will be waiting.
12.Pisces
It seems like there is some kind of healing that needs to take place for many of the single Pisces out there. There is an energy of a "rite of passage," that must be taken before finding "the one."
Indulge in self-love and healing.
We all have energy that is exchanged when dating, and if there is any deficiency within the self, it will most definitely transpire through an ill-fated or karmic relationship. Once you fill any voids left in your heart and spirit, "the one" will come knocking on your door.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Credit: Malcolm Roberson
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Featured image by Malcolm Roberson
I was inspired to write this because, recently, while reading about eight types of narcissists and what their traits consist of, I revisited what a vulnerable narcissist is all about. Then, as I connected some dots via another piece that I read about how it shows up in female friendships — well, because this is a platform for Black women, I definitely wanted to put y’all on notice. Because when it comes to toxic friendships (which really is a bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it?), there is probably nothing worse than having a narcissist friend — someone who displays traits like being highly self-centered, pretty apathetic, and constantly gaslighting those around them.
Okay, so what’s the difference between a “regular” narcissist and a vulnerable one? Yeah, let’s get into that now because I’ve got a feeling that some light bulbs are going to go on for a few of you…as it relates to at least one of your current…“friendships.”
So Basically, a Vulnerable Narcissist Is the Same Thing As a Covert One
GiphyIf you check out the article, “Science Says That Happy Couples Do The Following 7 Things” on this platform, one thing that you will notice that I said is, since I’ve been a marriage life coach, I’ve not really been big on using the word “vulnerable” when it comes to serious relationships. Charge it to being a writer who takes words pretty literally (dictionary-defined ones, not what social media makes up from year to year) yet I’ve never understood why we should encourage people to be vulnerable with someone who they deeply trust.
I say that because I know that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt” and “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.” And although I get that no one is perfect, if you feel like dealing with those closest to you requires taking this level of an emotional risk, on a fairly consistent basis? In my opinion, that is a dark orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
I’ve said before that my preferred word is “dependent” because it means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and healthy relationships? They absolutely should be INTERDEPENDENT. Yeah, whether it’s romantic, familial or a friendship — why are you out here feeling like sharing yourself makes you open to attack and harm when you should be involved with individuals who can be relied on for support? See the difference? And that is why a vulnerable narcissist makes sense to me — since a narcissist is unsafe, by the very definitions of vulnerable, a vulnerable one would be too. Even more so, in fact.
Here's the clincher, though. Even if you’ve never heard of a vulnerable narcissist before, I’m willing to bet that some of you have heard of a covert narcissist, which is basically the same thing. The fascinating thing about a covert narcissist is they are more subtle than some of the other types — which is exactly how they are able to trip folks up. Because although they need lots of attention and they tend to act really self-important (like all narcissists do), a covert narcissist moves in some pretty sneaky ways.
For instance, they might go really heavy on what seems like compliments (more on that in a sec) in order to make you think that they admire you when, really, they just want to get your guard down in order to get whatever they want out of you. Another example of a covert narcissist is they might act like they are proud of something you accomplished; however, they are actually sticking close by to get some of your contacts or to work themselves into the successful world that you created, so that they can actually compete with you. One more example of a covert narcissist is if they don’t get their way, they may ghost you for days, weeks or months at a time and then be all passive aggressive about it whenever they resurface.
And why are they like this? Because vulnerable/covert narcissists get off on gaslighting — they want you to feel like you are crazy for thinking what is, 8.5/10, spot-on about them. That way, you can be the villain and they can play the victim — even though it’s probably the exact opposite that is actually going on. They do this because, ultimately, to boost their ego. For a narcissist, pretty much of any kind, game-playing is what fuels them and makes them bigger in their minds than they actually are (or even deserve to be).
10 Dead-Ringer Signs of a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyOkay, so even with all of what I just said, what if you’re like, “Shellie, I think I get it, but I need a few more examples of what you’re saying”? I hear you and I’ve got you. Some other ways that vulnerable narcissists like to show up and out?
- They are hypercritical and condescending
- They act like they are allergic to accountability
- Their expectations are unreasonable (and hypocritical)
- They are walking contradictions
- They want to be the center of attention (and while monopolize things
- They are masters at giving others the silent treatment
- Their expectations are unrealistic and their demands are ridiculous
- They deflect instead of apologize
- They flatter (use fluffy and insincere words) yet don’t affirm or compliment (yes, there is a difference)
- They lack empathy or humility
And why — or even how — would you be a friend with someone like this? Well, the other thing that you have to keep in mind about narcissism is they are excellent at using charm to their advantage. Charming people tend to come off as being charismatic and witty. Charming people seem to be really interested in you (at least initially). Charming people have a way of making you feel very comfortable around them. At first, charming people seem genuine, attentive and respectful. And they definitely make a good impression — sometimes one that is so solid that you keep going back to that memory during the “bad times” with them.
Hmph. The thing that you have to always keep in mind when it comes to charm, though, is what Scripture says about it: “Charm is deceitful…” (Pr. 31:30) — and that is just what a narcissist is: deceptive.
And when it comes to a vulnerable narcissist and her friendships with other women? The deceptive runs deep.
How a Vulnerable Narcissist Shows Up Especially in Female Friendships
GiphyAlways remember that a vulnerable narcissist moves in subtle and sneaky ways. Hmph, that alone should make you want to ponder if you have some female friends who would fit the bill of being a vulnerable narcissist because we do have a way of being clever and ingenious…which are two of the things that come with being a subtle type of individual. And the way that subtle narcissists use their clever and ingenious ways to their advantage? I’ll give you an example.
A former friend of mine who was — and from what I hear, still is — an absolute vulnerable narcissist really wanted me to be her fan rather than her friend. One time, she even invited me to a bachelorette party and said, “You’re the only one here who isn’t a bridesmaid. You should feel honored.” Nah, what you really said is that you don’t truly value what I bring into your life enough to be a bridesmaid but you know I am good for bringing one hell of a gift and cheering you on regardless.
And that’s how a lot of our friendship was — doing way more giving than I was receiving, doing way more listening than leaning and when I would call her out on some of these things, she would either freeze me out or play the victim and act like somehow it was my fault that she wasn’t being a better friend.
Yeah, that’s what you’ve gotta watch about vulnerable narcissists — it is going to be oh so very rare that they will take full accountability for where they have dropped the ball. To them, somehow, it — whatever “it” is — is either going to be your fault or someone else’s. And that’s why, in their eyes, if you were a “real friend” to them, you would coddle them through not meeting your needs instead of expecting them to actually change their ways so that you both could benefit from the relationship.
And why don’t your needs matter? Because, to a vulnerable narcissist, they believe that they are worthy of extra special treatment at all times — think of them like being a bridezilla 24 hours a day. LOL.
And although some of what I said can be nuanced, for the most part, that really is how a vulnerable narcissist tends to make themselves seen and heard in female friendships: treat them like queens and expect to be mere subjects in their court or…why are you around at all, chile?
5 Hacks for Handling a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyFeeling triggered? Or better yet, are you feeling like you finally can “scratch the itch” of what you’ve been looking for to describe a certain person (or certain people) in your life goes? If that is the case and although you see some flags, there tends to be at least a little bit of good enough in your dynamic with “your” vulnerable narcissist to not totally break things off (yet), how do you keep a vulnerable narcissist from causing (anymore) harm?
1. Set firm boundaries. The former friend who I just spoke of? It took years to fully and finally unravel out of all of that (pretty much because she took her elitism to “no turning back” levels a few years ago). A part of the reason why is because she’s not the devil; she really isn’t — she’s just a narcissist. So, what I did to make things more bearable for myself for a while was set some emotional boundaries.
Sometimes I had to tell her “no” and provide no explanation behind it (narcissists think that they are owed every damn thing, chile). I refused to be at her beck and call all of the time. When I felt like she was stressing me out, I would take a bit of time off from phone calls or hanging out. Listen, you will never survive a narcissist, of any kind, unless you have some firm and consistent ARTICULATED boundaries set. If you don’t heed any other point, please heed this one.
2. Have consequences in place for when they are broken. There is no point in setting a boundary if there aren’t going to be consequences for when they are broken. So, for instance, if you tell a vulnerable narcissist that you don’t appreciate them not taking accountability for telling your business to a mutual friend (because they are also extremely entitled individuals), you should probably keep your mouth shut around them for a while. Narcissists care more about their present interests than your holistic comfort which is why they tend to do stuff like that (sometimes).
3. Look at patterns over promises. Narcissists are a lot like energy vampires — and something that both of those need is a source of supply to leech off of whether it’s attention, emotional investing, resources…whatever will benefit them and what they are wanting at the time. And that is why they have no problem telling you that they will do something for you…even if they don’t end up following through. They do this because they want you to put enough confidence in them to be willing to go out of your way on their behalf — at least until they get what they need in the moment. Be careful of that. In genuine friendships, you should be able to rely on others just as much as they should be able to rely on you.
4. Choose to not see them as your “safe place.” Remember, narcissists are charming. They can also be witty, fun and totally entertaining to be around. A word that I wouldn’t use for them, though, is “safe.” The former friend who I mentioned? Although she was good at keeping information confidential (which is a safe trait), she couldn’t be relied on when I was hurting because, somehow, she was going to find a way to turn the focus on her (that is unsafe). I mean, rarely could I tell her something and she wasn’t going to turn it into a story about herself. Yeah, narcissists are always on some sort of makeshift stage, chile. And that can be exhausting.
5. Make sure you know what your “breaking point” is. I tell clients often: Be okay with being someone’s consequence sometimes because there may be a chance that they won’t learn any other way. Do I miss that former friend of mine? Eh, by the time that I was done, I was DONE done. However, we had a lot of years between us and so there are memories that get to me on random occasions. And although I don’t hate her and can see her and genuinely care about how she’s doing, we have nowhere to go in the future. She’s always going to want me to do most of the work — and I am no longer interested in doing so. Breaking points are good. They let us know when a chapter in a relationship has…completed itself.
____
An author by the name of Nassim Nicholas Taleb once said, “Love without sacrifice is theft” (that kind of makes me think of the late author Eric Jerome Dickey’s quote, “Sex without love is violence”). At the end of the day, that saying is a good way to “gut check” your relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. Ask yourself if you are basically the only one doing any sacrificing. And if that is indeed the case, is it worth it?
Remember, a vulnerable narcissist thinks that they deserve to be treated better than everyone else — including you. If you want to keep that type of person as a friend, just know what you are getting yourself into. Because since they are probably never going to change, you will be the one who has to.
One way or another, sis. One way or a freakin’ other.
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