Thursday, July 2, 2015, was a day that many of us will never forget. That was the day xoNecole founder and Editor-In-Chief Necole Kane said goodbye to NecoleBitchie.com, a site that had become a centerpiece in the celebrity gossip realm.
A month after her farewell post, she started xoNecole with the desire to empower and inspire women through lifestyle articles. And as an entrepreneur, she was not prepared for the trials she would face in this new chapter of her life, especially since she had a vision of what she wanted it to look like. From the lack of resources to pure frustration, Necole needed something to take up her time that freed her mind of those anxieties and inhibitions. That's when she found herself in the gym.
During a sincere and unvarnished sit down with BET for their series Body of Work, she shared her business struggles, how her fitness goals led her to fitness competitions, and how they ultimately helped her combat bouts of depression.
As any entreprenuer knows, building a business isn't for the faint of heart. Although xoNecole offered a sense of community and a breath of fresh air to millions of its readers, behind the scenes with no additional funding except for her own, the transition was a difficult one. And even after being acquired, the businesswoman had new territories to navigate within along the journey to xoNecole's expansion as a thriving lifestyle site for Black women and their voices.
Fitness became an unexpected light in her day to day life, and fueled her in the fight to keep striving for a reality that truly aligned with her purpose.
"I was struggling with my business xoNecole, I was kind of frustrated at the time. I was running out of resources and I really wanted to grow my brand but I felt like I didn't have a lot of help, and I didn't know if I could keep my site going. I needed something to kind of take up my time because it was a very rough period and I was going through a lot of depression so I went into the gym. I knew for me to stay in the gym I had to have a goal to work towards. I found out about fitness competitions so I said, 'I'll just do fitness competitions' because I knew if I had that end goal, I'd stay the path."
Within a year into her fitness journey, the founder and EIC of xoNecole gained a new title and a new facet to her already multilayered identity: Pro athlete.
It isn't a feat that many are able to accomplish in their first year of competing, but through hard work, consistency, and dedication, Necole became an IFBB Pro in bodybuilding in August of last year. It further solidified for her that anything she could put her mind to, the Universe was conspiring to help her do.
And for the first time in years, it felt like she had her name back. She shed that old skin of her old life as Necole Bitchie, and proudly, with her shoulders back and head held high, walked into her light as an evolved version of herself: the Necole Kane. Fighting back tears, she shared:
"People for two years would come up to me and say 'I miss your old blog' and that always made me feel.. [pauses] I just remember I used to think 'I hope I do something one day that they don't associate me with that anymore.' I thought it would be my new website, which is doing great but it wasn't until my fitness journey that people would come up to me and say, 'Oh my God' and they wouldn't even mention my old site anymore, they would mention my fitness journey. And say, 'You've inspired me so much. I see how you've been in the gym and your body has changed,' and that was such a proud moment for me when that shift happened."
Photo Credit: Audra Oden Photography
Necole more than survived, she had arrived:
"I used to go through stages of depression all the time. I don't get depressed anymore. I haven't had a stage of depression that has happened since I started this fitness journey, especially this chase for my pro card. I have literally focused on my business and fitness all year so I haven't had time to feel sad about anything. I'm filling my time up with things that I'm passionate about and I recommend people do that. Fill your time with things that bring you joy. It was just about showing my family, my friends, and the people that follow me that I'm not one-dimensional. That I can excel as a businesswoman but I can also go on stage and be a pro bodybuilder and whatever I put my mind to, I can succeed in it."
Since Necole has focused on business and fitness, she has found what makes her happy.
Her ultimate advice to any one struggling to find peace would be to fill your time with things that bring you joy. Following that counsel, has allowed her to live her absolute best life.
I don't think Necole even understands the true impact she has on the lives of women who follow her, including myself. For years, I have watched and admired the strength she possesses. She continues to leave me floored by her capacity to live life with intention – it's so easy to fall victim to society's lens of success. I want to personally thank you, Necole, for your body of work: From your unrelenting fitness goals to the fearless tribe you galvanize daily.
The world is a better place because of your body of work, Necole Kane.
Featured image by Audra Oden Photography.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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