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What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage
Something that I make a point to tell every engaged couple that I come into contact with is, "Make sure you have sex on your wedding night." There are a billion reasons why I think it is so important. For starters, in this context, consummate literally means "to complete (the union of a marriage) by the first marital sexual intercourse". This means that the marriage vows don't "complete" your wedding day; having sex with your spouse does. Also, if you can prioritize cake eating and picture taking, you can make sure to get it in (what matters, we make time for…right?). Another reason why I think it's a big deal is because it's really unfortunate—and a little shocking—how many couples don't copulate on their wedding night. How many? According to one pretty popular study, a whopping 52 percent!
What I find to be even more interesting than that is some of the same reasons why newlywed couples don't do-the-do on their first night as husband and wife are the same reasons why a lot of people (some studies say 20 percent) are in a sexless marriage—fatigue, poor communication, fighting (couples who fight on their honeymoon are more likely to fight throughout their marriage, by the way), stress, side effects from medication, not factoring in your partner's needs and even kids (some people are with their children on their wedding night and/or end up not taking a honeymoon).
And what technically makes a marriage sexless? If you and yours are only having sex 10-15 times a year, although I hate to break it to ya, that places you firmly into the category. The reason why that's not something to simply shrug off is, aside from physical issues that would prevent you from having sex, there is not one sane therapist, counselor or coach would will tell you that a marriage without sex is healthy.
Sex is a responsibility in marriage (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important"). Even the Bible says, "Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." (I Corinthians 7:5—NKJV) Did you catch that? A marriage without sex in it is a form of deprivation.
But what if you already are in a sexless marriage? What should you do? Although it takes a while to restore a sexless union, here are some questions that can help you and yours to get back on track.
Whose Definition of “Sexless” Is It?
One time I was working with a married couple on improving their intimacy outside of the bedroom. As I was offering up some tips, the husband said, "It's gonna be hard for me to focus on that when we're damn near in a sexless marriage." The wife immediately sighed. Although we were on a phone session, I had worked with them long enough that I knew she was rolling her eyes. "How often do the two of you have sex?" I asked. Before the husband could answer, the wife said, "Three times a week." Wow. And that is what her husband considered to be sexless. Bless his heart.
Listen y'all, when it comes to sex, there is a big amount of space in between deprivation and straight-up greediness. Again, the official definition of a sexless marriage is couples who engage no more than around once a month. If you are getting more than that, while you and your spouse may be sexually incompatible when it comes to appetites, or you may need to come to a place of compromise regarding frequency, a sexless marriage, you two are not in.
So, if you are like this husband (because a lot of wives have stronger libidos than their husbands do) and you are telling yourself that your marriage is sexless simply because it doesn't happen as much as you'd like, make sure to get honest about the narrative. Not having sex as much as you'd like is nothing like a sexless marriage. Any couple in a sexless marriage will tell you that.
How Long Has This Been the Case?
If indeed you have narrowed down that it's been so long since you've had sex that you can't remember the last time that it actually happened (which is way too long), it's now time to reflect on how long "long" has been. Do the two of you have a pretty healthy sex life (for the most part) and it's only been a couple of months of MIA TLC, or is there more of a pattern going on?
There's one couple I know who are physically capable of having sex and claim that their marriage is fine. But guess how long it's been since they've had sex? Around three years. More than that if you count good sex. If there's one thing that is supposed to make a married couple's relationship different than all of the other ones that they have, it's the fact that they actually have sex with their husband or wife. If you're not making physical intimacy a priority in your marriage, why is that? No…really…why is that? It's not "just because". And whatever the real reason is? It's gonna reveal what's really going on in your relationship. Chances are, sex has very little to do with it too.
What Was Intimacy Like Prior to Marriage?
Something that can be a total set-up is thinking that sex, when you're married, isn't much different from sex when you are single. Shoot, you can check out "What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex" to see just how off the mark that is. When you're single, a lot of times sex is about gettin' yours—on your schedule and on your terms. But any healthy married person will tell you that sex within a sacred union is about a lot more than climaxing. Selflessness, open communication, and mutual fulfillment are not only meant to be constant considerations but consistent goals as well.
Some people are in a sexless marriage because, although as a single person, sex was "fun" (because it was so much about them and not much else), they now view sex as "work".
If you add to that the fact that their past partners' needs weren't that big of a deal, now that their spouse's needs should be a top priority, they would rather pass on sex than mature into the kind of partner their spouse needs in order for them to have a happy, healthy and thriving sex life.
Single sex doesn't necessarily have to be intimate. Oh, but married sex should be. Are you struggling with emotionally connecting? If so, could that be the cause of your sexless situation?
What Does Your Spouse Have to Say About It?
Here's another sign that your marriage is unhealthy—whenever you bring up the lack of intimacy that's currently in your relationship with your spouse, they give you the Kanye shrug and go back to whatever it is that they were doing. The reason why I say that is because it's pretty rare that if a sexless marriage is going on, both individuals are completely fine with that.
Not to send you down a rabbit hole, but someone I know who is in one once told me that the only reason why I was giving their marriage a side-eye was because "I wasn't mature enough to understand that sex is not all that important, the older a couple gets." Guess what? About six months after they said that, they found out that their spouse had been cheating for at least a year. Before you pin it all on the cheater, how would you feel if it had been a couple of years since you had gotten some? Wouldn't you feel like your spouse had left you out to dry? Even the Bible says that a sexless marriage gives room for evil entities to do their thing.
In an article that I read on sexless marriages, it featured a study that said the coping mechanisms for dealing with this type of issue range from masturbating (79 percent) to having an affair (26 percent). But what really stood out to me is the fact that 51 percent choose to get into a hobby or (catch it) strike up relationships with other people. Hmm. I just read that around half of all emotional affairs eventually turn physical, so yeah, don't assume that just because your spouse is not talking about how they feel about the lack of intimacy and sex in your relationship that they are "fine". According to statistical data, they probably aren't anywhere close to being that.
Have the Two of You EVER Been on the Same Page Sexually?
As far as their intimacy goes, something that some couples share with me, is that it's easier to have less sex when neither of you were on the same page to begin with. If one or both of you were sexually active and not exactly "thrilled" with one another, sometimes you'll tell yourselves that things will get better after saying "I do". Then, if things still aren't quite right, after a couple of years of actually trying to get in sync or faking like you're sexually satisfied when you're really not. After all, faking is lying and when is lying to your partner ever a good idea?
What all of this boils down to is if you're in a sexless marriage because the poor quality has led to low quantity, it's time to get proactive. There are websites like The Marriage Bed that can provide information on just about anything you can think of sexually if you need help sparking up a conversation. It can also be helpful to create a sex vision board (check out "Should a Married Couple Have a Vision for Their Sex Life?") where both of you can share your innermost fantasies and desires. Personally, I am a huge fan of sex jars (you can read more about that here), and a sexcation can never hurt either.
Sometimes, navigating through a sexless marriage is all about perspective. Rather than surrendering to the belief that you are "doomed" to bad sex for the rest of your life, choose instead to see your situation as a lifetime to explore and evolve with your spouse. If both of you are committed to the goal of having a mind-blowing sex life, you're already halfway there.
Are You BOTH Open to Therapy?
In the article "7 Signs a Marriage Won't Last, According to Sex Therapists", I found it interesting that the #1 sign a marriage won't last is that couples no longer have sex. While I personally think that, if two people truly want to, they can overcome any obstacle in marriage, I will say that if you and yours aren't having sex and it's been that way for a while, trying to fix things on your own is probably gonna prove to be futile (because really, if you could, wouldn't you have by now?). The solution? Counseling.
But let me get specific about this. One time a husband told me that during premarital counseling at his church, he spoke very graphically about how important fellatio was to him. Because the people he was speaking with didn't "believe in" oral sex (what in the world?!), they sped past his point. He can count how many times he's gotten head in the almost twenty years of marriage (SMDH).
Where I'm going with all of that is this—if you're already a little hesitant about marriage counseling, make sure that you "interview the counselor" (or therapist or coach) before formally agreeing to become their client. You need someone who you and your spouse can feel totally comfortable with. Not only that but someone who is willing to broach every aspect of your intimacy—and non-intimacy—until the issue is resolved. Squeamish, super-churchy, and sexually pinned-up professionals need not apply. At all.
How “in This Thing” Are You?
"For better or for worse." When folks say that on their wedding day, it's kind of amazing how much they seem to focus on the better and underestimate how low the worst can actually get. A sexless marriage is hard, and to some people, it can even feel like a form of torture, but you really need to ask yourself if it's something to totally throw in the towel over.
One day, when you've got about 30 minutes or so, jot down all of the things that you love about your spouse. Then write down all of the things that disappoint you, including your less-than-stellar sex life. What has more things on its side? If it's the good stuff, isn't that enough of a motivator to stay and work on your marriage?
A marriage without sex totally sucks. I get that. But a relationship that consists of good sex and nothing else isn't much better. You up the chances of the latter being the case for you should you end the union that you are already in. The one you promised to stick with, even when times get hard.
BONUS: There’s No Time Like the Present
I must admit that one of the things that truly baffles me about sexless marriages is there is no time like the present to change the status of that type of situation. I mean, if two people aren't having sex—and again, they are physically able and there is no abuse that is going on—why not…start having it?
If your immediate thought is, "I hear you, Shellie but it's not that simple," then you are proving a point that I already made. Is the problem really about sex or is it something more? Much more?
The fascinating thing about sexless marriages is it forces couples to look at all areas of their relationship. If the act of sex itself is the last thing that you want to initiate in order to remedy your sexless marriage, resign yourself to the fact that there is something much deeper that is going on.
After all, as I oftentimes say, "Sex celebrates love, not creates it." Do you and yours have something to celebrate or not? The answer to that alone can get you down to the root of why you're currently in a sexless marriage.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Maintenance Sex Could Be The Key To A Successful Marriage
7 Things Married Couples Do To Damage Their Sex Lives & Don't Even Know It
10 Married Couples Share The Keys To Their Totally Off-The-Chain Sex Life
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Love On The Brain: What Science Says Loving Someone Does To You Mentally
I dig science. A big part of the reason why is because I really enjoy researching the “whys” of things. While my father always liked that about me, my mother oftentimes had something slick to say about it (that’s another message for another time, chile). To me, it’s whatever. For better or for worse, I’m simply not someone who accepts that the sky is blue “just because” — put it on my daddy’s DNA, I guess; with no apologies in place, I almost always want to know why something is the way that it is.
And since I spend so much of my time working with couples and writing on relationships, I’m sure no one is shocked that I’ve done my due diligence when it comes to figuring out what is really going on in the minds of humans whenever they are hyped about being in love. While on the surface level, it might seem like I’m being cynical, I’m actually not. It’s more about…well, again, I’ve been working with couples and writing about relationships for so long at this point that I think it’s important for folks to know the difference between an “emotional surge” and a truly wise love decision — and being aware of the role that the brain plays when we think that we’re in love with someone? That can help to bring some perspective and clarity into all of this.
So, whether you’re in something new and you’re currently on cloud nine, you’ve been in something for a while now and you’re wondering if you’ve “lost that loving feeling” or if you’re borderline on the verge of self-sabotage or, you’re like me, and you simply like to know random information just because — I’ve got 10 things that might be of interest to you as far as what science says love can literally do to you on the mental tip.
It’s fascinating stuff, indeed.
1. Dopamine Gets Activated
It’s pretty interesting thatdopamine is a type of neurotransmitter that plays a significant role in things like how you are able to experience pleasure or create memories because both of those are quite relevant when you’re in love with someone. Well, according to science, when you feel like you truly love an individual, dopamine gets activated on a whole ‘nother level to the point where you not only feel euphoric but,it’s at the level of what alcohol or a cocaine high can produce (have mercy!) I’m not exaggerating, either.
In fact, Medical News Today once published an article entitled, “Falling In Love Hits The Brain Like Cocaine Does.” Hmm…makes you wonder if some people run up outta there marriages, not because there’s really anything “wrong”; it’s just that they have crashed from their “cocaine high” and no one prepared them for how to handle it (get into premarital counseling, engaged folks; it makes all the difference in the world!). Also,as far as dopamine goes, when men are “falling” for a woman, it’s dopamine and vasopressin that increase, while, for women, it’s dopamine and oxytocin. During sex, vasopressin drops in men, while oxytocin increases when a woman climaxes. The more you know.2. Euphoria Increases
Let’s go a little bit deeper into the whole euphoria thing. At the end of the day, euphoria is about intensity. I mean, a part of the reason whythe series Euphoria has been so popular (and jarring) is that it showshow drug abuse can put people into a euphoric state — at first in a pleasurable way and eventually on a devastating level. When it comes to love, some experts say that three stages transpire when you feel like you’re in a love-related euphoric state:arousal, attraction, and attachment. And you know what? If you aren’t intentional about doing what Ben Franklin once said (“If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”), you could find yourself being on a roller coaster of emotions without having a relationship that consists of much stability. Yeah, euphoria increasing can be problematic as hell if you don’t get all of what comes with that.
3. Oxytocin Surges
When it comes to the articles that I’ve written on love, sex, and relationships on this platform, I don’t know if there’sany hormone that I’ve shouted out more than oxytocin. That’s because there are countless amounts of intel supporting the fact thatit bonds people through things like hand-holding, cuddling, kissing, and definitely sex. That’s whysome experts say that oxytocin can cause people to become “single-minded” about a person, it cancultivate feelings of trust, and it can literallycreate physiological changes that cause you to seek out your love interest.
This is a part of the reason why, when people declare that they are “in love” after say, a one-night stand, my mind immediately thinks, “Eh. Sounds more like an oxytocin surge.” You don’t know them well enough to love them; you can “love” how they make you feel, though. It’s essential to know the difference.
4. Fear Decreases
Now, this is an interesting one. Something else that science says happens when people are in love is the neural pathway that is associated with things like fear and judgment. It actually deactivates itself (chile…CHILE). Yep, some studies reveal that the part of your brain that encourages you to make “critical assessments” of individuals. When you feel like you love them, that shuts down. As a direct result, in walks the rose-colored glasses, and out goes the red flags. And that’s why, when I recently read that a particular actor didn’t heed some warnings from her friends regarding her new relationship, I literally shook my damn head.
When you’re all in love, especially in the beginning stages, having folks around who don’t feel the same ways about the person as you do can actually help you out in the long run, so long as they are good friends with a solid track record, they are going to notice some things that your neural pathway is keeping you from paying close attention to. Yeah, y’all be careful out there.
5. Your Prefrontal Cortex Slows Down
Speaking of desensitized senses, something else that transpires when you’re caught up in someone isyour prefrontal cortex becomes sluggish. Why is this problematic? Well, that’s where the logical part of your brain is housed. This means that when you love someone, you may not be the best at making sound and practical decisions. Although I don’t agree with an article that said this means that love is illogical (love is sound, sane, and stable; it’s folks who jack relationships up…not love), I do think all of this is a reminder that you must rely on more than just how someone makes you feel when you’re trying to decide who to build a life with. Moving on.
6. Your Hypothalamus Revs Up Your Sex Hormones
I don’t know about y’all, but I don’t know too many people who aren’t attracted to the object of their love and affection. And so, when you do fall in love, something else that happens isthe part of your brain known as the hypothalamus stimulates your ovaries while it also stimulates your man’s testicles — and that is what makes you feel an overwhelming feeling of desire (i.e., lust) for your partner.
7. Your Brain’s “Reward Circuit” Lights All the Way Up
Speaking of longing for your partner, three parts of your brain — the amygdala, the hippocampus, and the prefrontal cortex — are known as its “reward circuit,” and whenever you even speak about your bae, this is the part of your brain that lights up like a Christmas tree. Something that’s really interesting about this particular point is, that while this is happening, your serotonin levels typically drop.
Why does this matter? Well, serotonin helps to keep your anxiety levels in balance, and it also helps you to regulate your appetite(s). This would automatically cause me to believe that people who struggle with love addiction probably have a low level of serotonin operating in their system.
Oh, speaking of serotonin, although you may never think to get your hormone levels checked strictly to learn more about how you’re acting/reacting in your romantic relationship,I also found it interesting that people who have more dopamine in their system tend to take more risks when it comes to love while those who have more serotonin are usually far more cautious. Meaning, that how you are in your relationship(s) may not be just about your personality; your hormone levels tend to have a say as well.
8. Your Anterior Cingulate Cortex May Make You Obsessive
Your anterior cingulate cortex is the part of your brain that’s associated with things likemotivation and action. Anyway, since overactivity in this part of the brain is oftentimes linked to things like obsessive-compulsive disorder,some researchers believe that the reason why some people seem to think obsessively about their partner, almost to the point of obsession, if they don’t stay on top of it, is because of how their brain reacts to their attachment to their partner.For the record, this is also the part of your brain that literally lights up whenever you see your partner, too.
9. Vagus Nerves “Sync Up”
Your vagus nerves are a part of your nervous system that starts at your brain and runs through your digestive tract. This makes them an integral part of things like your immunity, your speech, your moods, and your heart rate. As far as your brain goes, some studies reveal that after a couple has been together for a longer period of time, it’s not uncommon for their vagus nerves to “sync up” in the sense of having similar facial expressions and hand gestures being and even their hearts starting to beat at the same pace.As a direct result, the syncing makes it easier for both individuals to make sacrifices for one another in order to remain together. Share that with your grandparents the next time you see them. #wink
10. If You’ve Been Together for a While, Your Angular Gyrus Becomes Stronger
Speaking of longevity, another perk that comes with couples who choose to go the distance is the part of their brain known astheir angular gyrus becomes more active. What’s actually sweet about this is that not only is this what makes it easier for you to learn complex languages, but you can also start to anticipate your partner’s actions with it too. As a direct result, science says that many couples can finish each other’s sentences — and it’s all because their angular gyrus has gotten stronger as a result of them staying committed.
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After reading all of this, how could anyone possibly look at being in love casually? There are far too many intricate parts at work — yes, literally. Yeah, when Rihanna sang about having “love on the brain,” she said more than a mouthful…whether she realized it or not.
And if you declare that you are in love, make sure to factor in what your brain is going through. Then choose wisely. Even your brain and mental health depend on it. Also…literally.
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