The Important Lessons We Learned From 2018's Most Influential Women
2018 was deemed "The Year of the Woman" but it's high-key been the year of the BLACK woman.
From being elected to congress to making million-dollar money moves, the amount of Black girl magic was overflowing this year. We continue to create seats at tables, make our own damn tables, and break barriers to hold space for one another. Our resilience, beauty, and power has never reigned more supreme than right now.
There are some women who have taught me life lessons this year through their own experiences. I have rounded up some of them to share how they have made my 2018 more magical than ever.
Michelle Obama
Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama has broken records this year. Her memoir, Becoming, had the biggest first-week sales of 2018. And now, word on the street is that Michelle has sold more than three million copies in the U.S. and Canada alone.
What She Taught Me:
Growing up is NOT finite. We all have an idea and plan for what our lives should look like as if there's a deadline or expiration date for what we "should" be. My forever First Lady released her book, Becoming, in the hopes of telling her story of the many chapters of becoming. She told Oprah, "You grow up and you are many different things — as you have been many different things. And I don't know what the next step will be. I tell young people that all the time. You know, all young women probably have some magic number of what age you'll be when you'll feel like a grown-up. Generally, when you think your mother will stop telling you what to do."
Michelle continued to say, "But the truth is, for me, each decade has offered something amazing that I would never have imagined. And if I had stopped looking, I would have missed out on so much. So I'm still becoming, and this is the story of my journey. Hopefully, it will spark conversations, especially among young people, about their journeys."
Meghan Markle
The world has never been so interested in the royal family until Meghan Markle and Prince Harry's engagement. Mostly because for us melanated folks, we saw it as our culture leveling up with our first Black princess.
What She Taught Me:
My fairy tale is possible; I create the story. Meghan's marriage to Prince Harry transcended all lines – race, nationality and tradition. The newly minted Duchess of Sussex broke so many barriers and she did it her way. I mean, she walked herself down the aisle! But in the end, it was better than a fairy tale, it was her life.
Supa Cent
Supa Cent aka Raynell Steward went from a Louisiana waitress to CEO of her own cosmetics company, The Crayon Case. She is wildly known for her raw but real Instagram videos by her large audience of 1 million followers. This year on Cyber Monday, her cosmetics brand generated $1 million in sales in less than two hours.
What She Taught Me:
There's no truth to the term "over-saturated market." If God says it's for you, there ain't a devil in hell that can stop it from coming into fruition. No shade, but the phrase is dumb. Every market has its creators and there is no way that you will be a lone pioneer. The key is to use your gift because someone somewhere is waiting to be inspired by you.
Jada Pinkett Smith
First of all, thank you Jada Pinkett Smith for creating a place where we can have tough conversations. In May of this year, Jada started a Facebook talk show titled, Red Table Talk, where she and the two most important women in her life - her daughter Willow Smith and her mom Adrienne Banfield-Jones congregate. The three generations came together to graciously tackle some tough topics around the red table and garnered millions of viewers in the process.
What She Taught Me:
Whew chile, where do I start? Jada's Red Table Talk has taught me SO much. Recently, I watched the episode on forgiveness and when she talked about gaining emotional independence, I started crying like a baby. I am guilty of giving others the power to make me happy or sad and I now know that I hold that power.
Gabrielle Union
During a Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith, Gabrielle Union sat down and spoke candidly about her beef with Jada and how her perceived self-worth played a huge role in their relationship. These two prominent women had been feuding for 17 years and they finally put everything to the side to hash things out in front of the world. After their talk, Gabrielle told Jada, "I told you on the phone it was like a gorilla hopped off my back that I didn't even know was there and I needed that. I needed you, so thank you."
What She Taught Me:
To reclaim my self-worth because I am worthy and I bring an extreme value to the table. There's no need to compete with others because my only competition is with who I was yesterday. This has been a process for the Being Mary Jane actress as she continues to speak openly about it. Gabby told Shine, "I fell down the rabbit hole of hanging my self-worth on being chosen by the right guy, having the right friends, making the best grades, getting the right parts for a long time."
She went on to say, "Eventually, I got on board with how much value that I brought to the table myself. Once I stopped looking at other people and external events for validation, I started to appreciate what and who I was. The thing is friends, guys, jobs all come and go. You are stuck with yourself — better to learn to love who and what you are."
Ava DuVernay
This year, Ava DuVernay became the first Black female director to receive a $100 million budget on A Wrinkle in Time. The movie was based on Madeleine L'Engle's children's classic, which was extremely white. So in DuVernay fashion, she brought some color to the film by casting the likes of Oprah Winfrey, Mindy Kaling, and up-and-comer Storm Reid. Ava essentially switched up the heroine, Meg Murry, from a white 14-year-old from Connecticut to an African American teenager from South Central L.A. played by Storm.
What She Taught Me:
It's great to learn and know what you DON'T want. This amazing filmmaker didn't pick up a camera until she was 32, after realizing journalism wasn't for her. During her internship at CBS News, she had a startling revelation. She told Elle Magazine, "I was working on the O. J. Simpson case — a turning point in the way hard news integrated celebrity news. I wasn't interested in that. It's valuable to have those early experiences to learn what you don't want."
That awareness led her to being the first African-American woman to direct a film with an unforeseen budget.
'Black Panther' Cast
We have been saying "Wakanda Forever" since the release of Black Panther in February because of its powerful plot and representation of the culture. According to Vanity Fair, the Marvel superhero movie is the third highest-grossing film of all time in the US box office. Best of all, there was a significant place and purpose for the women in Black Panther; they weren't just placeholders.
What They Taught Me:
There is power when women unite. The film highlighted what it means to be a powerful Black woman and how important it is to have a tribe supporting you. Each and every woman in the blockbuster, including Angela Bassett, Lupita N'yongo, Danai Gurira, and Letitia Wright, were integral in telling the story and they weren't a facade of empowerment. The best thing is that they are continuing the work off the screen by awarding The Black Panther Scholarship, which rewards one student from The Hollywood Reporter's Women in Entertainment Mentorship Program with a $250,000 full-ride scholarship to the prestigious Loyola Marymount University.
During the 2018 Women in Entertainment gala, Danai shared, "We know that if we want to live in a world that looks more like Wakanda, the first step is you invest in women and girls."
Cardi B
Bardi is everything society tells us not to be and that's why we adore her. Not to mention, she is always breaking records. For example, the Bronx rapper is the first solo female rapper to reach number one on the Billboard Hot 100 in nearly 20 years.
What She Taught Me:
Well, her entire Instagram feed is inspiration but for the most part she has taught me these three things:
- Stay humble but remain hungry.
- Don't let society define who you are.
- Switch it up on 'em and show them that you cannot be defined.
Stacey Abrams
Stacey Abrams became the first Black woman nominee for governor in the history of the United States. Need I say more?
What She Taught Me:
DO NOT CONCEDE. Before the obstacle presents itself, choose to never give up by fighting until the very end. There's something remarkably beautiful about appreciating the opposition and maintaining humility no matter the outcome.
On Election Day, Abrams refused to concede to her opponent, Brian Kemp, who maintained the lead. She demanded that all votes be counted before she conceded. According to CNN, Stacey told supporters in Atlanta, "I'm here tonight to tell you votes remain to be counted. There's voices that are waiting to be heard."
Janet Mock
Janet Mock made her debut in FX's new series, Pose, as a writer, producer, and director. This made her the first ever trans woman of color to write for a television show. The series is all about the New York trans community in the '80s. The hit series hosts five trans women of color as series regulars and over 100 trans actors and crew members.
What She Taught Me:
Use your own experiences to create authenticity in your work. Janet is the first trans woman of color hired as a writer of a television show. Through her position as a writer, director, and producer for the show, she has brought her life experiences to FX's Pose. She took to Instagram to say, "Don't let the smile fool you: I was nervous AF about doing something I had never done before; a job that seemed to be reserved for white men, a position in the industry that rarely invited women and/or people of color to sit in the director's chair."
Her mentor, Ryan Murphy, helped her gain perspective about her experiences. She had a moment with herself where she said, "'You wrote this script. You know these characters. You helped shape them, make them, move them. You got this, and your whole life as a Black trans girl with all your experiences have prepared you for so many unknowns — from being the first in your family to go to college, to get a Master's, to work as a journalist, to leave the safety of telling others stories to actually tell your own story, to write two memoirs that centered #girlslikeus, to be the first trans woman of color to be hired in a writer's room...and yes, the first to write and direct an episode of television. You can do this, will do this and are deserving.'"
Serena Williams
During this year's 2018 Grand Slam, our favorite tennis player-slash-goddess proved how women are held to unrealistic standards compared to men no matter the status or arena. She also made this year her comeback season after a near-death experience giving birth to her most esteemed title yet, that of a mother.
What She Taught Me:
The power of compassionate anger. She showed an immense amount of power through compassion and anger when the umpire gave her a code violation for allegedly receiving coaching. Serena not only advocated for herself by addressing the umpire but she also wrapped her arm around her opponent, Naomi Osaka, who ultimately defeated her when the crowd began booing. That takes some unthinkable strength to be able to empower your opponent despite your ego and feelings of vanquish. I have struggled with controlling my anger in fear of being labeled an "angry Black woman" when in actuality, I have hella reasons to be angry. She showed me it's okay to be real.
Rihanna
Rihanna created Savage x Fenty to promote body positivity. She dropped this new project in May of this year and shook the world once again with her business endeavors. Her ultimate goal is to empower women to own their beauty.
What She Taught Me:
To embrace the skin I am in. RiRi is such a boss and she exudes an enviable confidence. Her confidence and drive to empower women of all shapes, shades, and sizes is so inspiring. This year, when she took over the Brooklyn Navy Yard during NYFW, she made it her business to represent all types of goddesses – from pregnant to plus size women. Through her representation of the variety of beauty, she helped me validate my own beauty.
Sarah Jakes Roberts
Sarah Jakes Roberts has always been a vessel of faith and truth. She has managed to suspend the negative connotation of "being in the church" by keeping it real while being a worship leader. This year, I believe the world saw her willingness to help women evolve.
What She Taught Me:
Evolving and transforming is beautiful but it may cause you to lose things. SJR is more than a celebrity because she's also my pastor and first lady at The Potter's House Denver. Since she's become my pastor, she has taught me so much about the word of God and through her ministry, I have strengthened my relationship with God. After attending her Woman Evolve conference this summer, I grew to appreciate the beauty and brawn of evolution. Her transparency and willingness to use her story to encourage others has been transformative in my life.
Did these women teach you anything this year? Sound off on the comments!
Joce Blake is a womanist who loves fashion, Beyonce and Hot Cheetos. The sophistiratchet enthusiast is based in Brooklyn, NY but has southern belle roots as she was born and raised in Memphis, TN. Keep up with her on Instagram @joce_blake and on Twitter @SaraJessicaBee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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These 11 Married Couples Share Their Keys To Long-Term Marital Success
The late actor Audrey Hepburn once said something that I think a lot of married couples who have at least 10 years under their belt will agree with: “If I get married, I want to be very married.” In my mind, this means very committed, very complementary, and very willing to go the distance — otherwise, what’s the point?
Really, what’s the point?
Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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