There's a guy I know who is the ultimate liar. I'm not kidding. His family knows it. His friends know it. Even people he works with know it. It's weird because he'll lie about everything from what he had for lunch to what he did on his summer vacation. It's like lying is a tick for him or something. I think the reason why no one is ever too hard on him about it—although I've heard him get called out on it before—is because his lies are perceived as being relatively harmless. He's not out here trying to hurt anybody; he just lives in an alternate reality.
I thought about him when I read a study that was published a while back on the topic of lying.
According to a University of Massachusetts psychologist by the name of Robert S. Feldman, most people who say they don't lie are, well, lying. His discoveries revealed that around 60 percent of people lie at least 2-3 times in every 10-minute plus conversation. That's kinda crazy.
Personally, I wonder if he's combining exaggerating with lying. Exaggerating is when you blow up details or stretch the truth, usually to make the truth "sound better" or more interesting. Lying is when you're out here deceiving, giving false impressions and being a totally dishonest person. I don't care for either, but if I had to choose, I'd take Column A over Column B. Lying is fraudulent. You can't really rely on anyone who's a liar.
But if Dr. Feldman is right, this means that all of us are out here we're being hoodwinked dozens of times a day. That sucks. The good news is there are some proven ways to tell if someone is lying to you. Ready?
They Take Long Pauses
Unless someone's memory is really bad, there's no need to pause to remember what the truth is. You know what this means—liars have a tendency to take time to create a story in their head before speaking it out loud. Usually, whenever this happens, they are either looking away (as to avoid eye contact), stuttering their words or using "filler words" in order to buy time until they figure something out.
Something else that someone who's lying might do is answer a question with a question in order to buy time. Like while you're asking your man who so-and-so is in his phone, he may flip it and ask you who so-and-so is who posted a particular comment on your Instagram. It's not so much that he cares, it's so while you're talking, he can be thinking of what to say next.
Truth? It doesn't require time to put together a presentation strategy. Lying? Unless you're dealing with someone pathological or a total sociopath, it needs time to come up with something at least halfway decent or believable.
Their Voice Switches Up
I've got a girlfriend, who, whenever she's up to no good that she doesn't want anyone to know about and she's questioned about it, her voice goes up at least an octave. That's what tends to happen whenever someone is anxious, nervous or scared. Not only that but sometimes people switch up their voice as a way to distract you during the conversation. If their voice is super different or even off-putting, they're hoping that you'll find yourself wondering just as much, if not more, about their voice as the (potential) lie itself.
They Hide a Part of Their Face
According to an article that featured former CIA officers, a telling sign that someone is lying is if they hide a part of their face; especially their eyes or their mouth. The logic is there is some level of shame (whether consciously or subconsciously) when someone isn't telling the truth, so it's a natural reaction to want to hide when they do it. Plus, there's the whole "our eyes are the window to the soul" thing.
Hmm…liars like to cover up their eyes. I wonder if celebs have ever been told that. Maybe a lot less of them would wear sunglasses during interviews if they knew that it sends a pretty shady message.
They Give More Details than Necessary
Thou doth protest too much. That's what I think about whenever I ask someone something and either they start rambling a mile a minute or they give all kinds of details that aren't really required. You know, like if you ask your boyfriend, "So, I called you last night. Where were you?" and he starts talking about the Arby's he went to (including the side of town), what he ordered, how long he was in line and all of the stuff he did once he got home. Then he gets into what happened to his phone and the charger, all the while talking so fast that you're wondering if he took a single breath in between it all.
Some people are natural storytellers (and not in the lying or even exaggerating kind of way); they live for TMI and are definitely not the exception to all of this. But if you're talking to someone who is usually straight and to the point, but, all of a sudden, they've got a billion-and-one words to share—or more importantly, if they repeat the details, things seem to switch up—while it's not 100 percent true that they are lying, if they are doing this along with some of these other points, I wouldn't sleep on it. Not at all.
They Get Defensive
I haven't had sex in over 12 years. That doesn't mean I haven't heard rumors about myself, though. A couple of years ago, I even heard that I was pregnant. Yeah, whatever. I know the truth and it's so true that I don't see the need to defend it or chase contrary rumors down.
Oh, but a few weeks ago, I ran into someone who constantly lies about her sex life (I know this because she never keeps her stories straight and almost always backtracks and admits she wasn't telling the truth…eventually). And she went on and on about how she hasn't had sex in years (although the time prior to last that I saw her, she told me that she had some rebound sex with a dude) and I simply and calmly said, "I don't believe you because that's not what you said last time", she literally started yelling in the parking lot. Not really at me, but…it was like she thought that if she spoke loudly enough, it would drown out the other stories she had told me—or somehow I would forget. Yeah, liars have a real habit of getting super defensive.
While I'm on this point, some folks think that cussers are angry or defensive individuals. But actually, word on the street is that folks who use four-letter words tend to be more honest and forthcoming than those who don't. Believe it or not, people who cuss tend to be more effective in their communication and typically have higher levels of integrity too. Damn, that's fascinating.
They Seem Fidget—A LOT
Moving around in their seat a lot. Playing around with their hands. Having jumpy legs and shifty eyes. Although you can't see any of this on the phone or online, if you're in the presence of someone who is lying to you, again, unless they are a complete sociopath (and those do exist), it is typically difficult for someone to lie and not feel uncomfortable while they're doing it. In fact, I once read that lying goes so against the grain of how our body flows that it even puts our organs into distress.
So yeah, if you're having a conversation with someone or you ask an individual a question and they seem antsy, there's a pretty good chance that they are lying to you. Because if they were telling the truth, unless they just killed someone or cheated on you (in those cases, fidgeting makes sense), what are the jitters and anxiety all about? My sentiments exactly.
Featured image by Getty Images
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- 10 Simple Ways to Tell If Someone Is Lying to You - YouTube ›
- Former CIA Officers Share 6 Ways to Tell If Someone's Lying ›
- 13 Giveaways to Tell If Someone Is Lying to Your Face ›
- How to tell if someone is lying to you, according to researchers ›
- How to tell someone's lying by watching their face - Business Insider ›
- 8 Ways to Tell If Someone Is Lying to You | Mental Floss ›
- How to Tell If Someone Is Lying: 10 Tells and Clues | Inc.com ›
- Use This Secret Military Trick to Tell if Someone Is Lying ›
- How to Tell If Someone Is Lying to You, According to Experts | Time ›
- How to Recognize the Signs That Someone Is Lying ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at email@example.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
In xoNecole's series Dope Abodes, we tour the living spaces of millennial women, where they dwell, how they live, and the things they choose to adorn and share their spaces with.
Annisa LiMara has called this space her home for two years. Her Atlanta sanctuary, which she aimed to give the look and feel of something you'd see in the glossy pages of Architectural Digest, embodies her vision of "stunning, yet functional and cozy."
"My home is a reflection of my brand, The Creative Peach Studios, and I am the 'Creative Peach,'" Annisa explains. "It was so easy to reflect who I am and my personal story in my space. When you walk into my home, you know that it is Annisa’s home. I’m so proud of that. So grateful."
On the journey to becoming a homeowner, Annisa looks back on her experience as a "rough one," detailing that she officially started house hunting in March 2020. It had become so expensive to rent, and the 30-something lifestyle influencer decided she would rather invest the money she spent renting into owning a home. However, nine days into house hunting, her search was put on hold for a year. The following year, in 2021, the process of finding the right home and going under contract took a total of four months.
"The resell route didn’t work out, so my realtor suggested a new construction home, which turned out to be the better option," she tells xoNecole of her experience. "Although it requires more patience, it turned out to be a much easier process and a lot easier to maintain since it’s brand new."
As it turns out, the open floor plan three-bedroom two-and-half-bath would prove to be a blank canvas for Annisa to flex her creativity and design skills.
As a new construction, she watched the townhome get built from the ground up, and due to the "cookie-cutter" nature of new builds, Annisa knew immediately that she would change everything about it. The best part about it? All of her updates were cosmetic, so transformation could occur without having to do major renovations to achieve the look and feel she desired.
"The first things I updated were all the lighting, adding built-ins around my fireplace, and installing wallpaper in my bedroom, office, and dining room! I also had board and batten installed in the upstairs loft to make a statement and the kitchen island," Annisa details.
"Lastly, we painted the loft a soft blush pink, the kitchen island is a gorgeous terracotta, and added contrast with black on the doors, fireplace, and stairwell banisters."
In total, she spent $15K in renovations (plus the cost of furniture and decor). And although she says the second level of her home is a "work-in-progress," two years in, she considers the transformation nearly done.
Annisa defines her decor style as "organic modern meets midcentury modern with a touch of boho," and with thoughtfully placed touches like plants, warm tones, and organic textures, her perspective can be felt throughout. "I found my point of view as a designer in my work and as I worked on my home, so it all came together organically based on what I was naturally drawn to."
"The organic modern meets midcentury modern with a touch of boho' is definitely my signature style. You’ll always see greenery, warm tones, brass, and rattan or wicker in just about every room. My color story is based on my brand [The Creative Peach Studios] colors: blush pink, ivory, olive and sage green, terracotta, and nudes," she adds.
It was her brand colors that would be the jumping-off point for her approach to decorating and styling her space. That, and a picture she had of what would become her sofa from Albany Park. She recalled her decor decisions, "It was their olive Park Sectional Sofa, and I knew instantly I wanted it, and it aligned with my brand colors naturally, so it was a no-brainer."
By drawing inspiration from Pinterest, favorite design brands like CB2, Arhaus, and Souk Bohemian, and through her work, Annisa allowed herself to be guided by her signature style as well as her instincts when making decor and color choices for her own home. "Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason; it just feels right."
Some of the aspects of her home that she regards as her favorites include her bedroom and its little nook where her bed is positioned, the open upstairs loft, and the open concept because "it really allows you to see all of the details I put into the design all at once." Another of her favorite finds is a purchase she copped from the thrift store years ago.
"I have this little brown and gold chair that I picked up for $6 at a thrift store in Jersey six years ago. I couldn’t afford much in my little studio, but the chair was beautiful and unlike anything I had ever seen."
In addition to accent walls featuring blush pink and terracotta tones throughout the space, her gallery wall is another element that immediately draws the eye of any guest who enters. Annisa recalled a fond memory of a fine art piece she purchased from a Black woman artist when she first moved to Atlanta that she now prominently features in her living room. "It was a Black villager from her travels in Africa, and I fell in love with it because it felt like an ancestor I never met. I later found out that she was the sister of one of my very first design clients two years later," she shares. "Talk about a full-circle moment!"
Cultivating a space takes time and patience, and that is a sentiment Annisa echoes when advising people who are looking to infuse more of themselves into their own dope abodes through design. "It is not a race, and you’ll spend more money if you rush into designing without really being intentional about the vision for your space," Annisa concludes. "You just need creativity and patience to do it! And most of all, make sure you feel like it’s an oasis for you!"
For more of Annisa, follow her on Instagram @annisalimara.
Tour Interior Designer Annisa LiMara's Modern Meets Midcentury ATL Home | Dope Abodes
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If you followed Beyoncé’s career, then you know how hair has played an important role in her journey. Her mom, Ms. Tina Knowles, owned a hair salon when the multi-Grammy award-winning artist was growing up, and she has shared on several occasions how it impacted her life. We’ve also witnessed her many hair transformations throughout her career, from braids to her signature long, straight honey blonde tresses. However, it was her pixie cut in 2013 that had everyone talking.
Beyoncé and Tina launched Cécred (pronounced sacred), a hair care line that includes a clarifying shampoo and scalp scrub, a hydrating shampoo, a nourishing hair oil, and much more. The mother-daughter duo opened up about their latest business venture together to Essence in its March/April issue, and the “Alien Superstar” revisited her haircut and how it reflected a life change.
“It did. That’s right. I love how we associate a certain hairstyle with moments in our lives, like that short-hair moment. I remember the day I decided to just cut all my hair off. I didn’t have a particular style in mind,” she explained.
“It wasn’t an aesthetic choice, but it was a very big emotional transformation and metamorphosis that I was going through. So much of my identity as a performer has been connected to flowing hair. Cutting my hair off was me rebelling against being this woman that society thinks I’m supposed to be.”
Beyonc\u00e9 to ESSENCE Magazine on her 2013 pixie cut:\n\n"I remember the day I decided to just cut all my hair off. I didn\u2019t have a particular style in mind. It wasn\u2019t an aesthetic choice, but it was a very big emotional transformation and metamorphosis that I was going through."\ud83d\ude2d\ud83e\udd79— (@)
She continued, “I was a new mother, and something about the liberation of becoming a mother made me want to just shed all of that. It was a physical representation of me shedding the expectations put upon me. I just wanted it off.
Neal Farinah, my hairstylist and friend, was freaking out because it was really long, really thick and really healthy. I just got the scissors and chopped it off. It was very intentional. And it was what I needed to do. And after that, I became super brave. It was the first step to many more audacious decisions I made in my life and my career that have led to who I am now.”
Throughout the interview, Beyoncé shared how her new hair line is her “legacy” and how she wants to use her line to highlight the versatility of textured hair.
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Feature image by Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for The Recording Academy