xoNecole's I Read It So You Don't Have To is a recurring series of self-discovery that breaks down self-help books into a toolkit of takeaways and tips that are meant to assist you in finding the best life you can live. Take what works for you, and leave everything else where it is.
At the beginning of the year, I knew I wanted to: 1) Prioritize myself and my dreams like never before and 2) Strive for authenticity in every aspect of my life. What I didn’t know was that in a few months, roadblocks would materialize, and old wounds would resurface. What started as well-meaning declarations slowly morphed into misguided attempts to chase after my dreams and show up for myself in the process. I felt overwhelmed by the unrealistic expectations I placed on myself and burnt out over balancing my responsibilities.
My belief in Jesus Christ is paramount and who I turn to first, especially when it comes to healing, but I’m also an advocate of therapy and utilizing positive resources that support my personal growth. I figured I’d try a resource that could complement my journey of inner work, provide insight into my personality, and remind me of the joy and peace that is within me.
So after ignoring the self-help and personal development aisle in the bookstore (I’m a fiction type of gal), I opted for Yasmine Cheyenne’s book The Sugar Jar: Create Boundaries, Embrace Self-Healing, and Enjoy the Sweet Things. As an educator, speaker, and mental-wellness advocate, Yasmine provides a thoughtful and impactful approach to healing and recognizing patterns in our lives that drain us.
Here are 7 takeaways from her book to embrace healing and practice self-care.
Care for Your 'Sugar Jar'
Cheyenne likens our body and mind to a jar. It represents who we are and how we present ourselves to the world. Within the jar is our sugar, or as she writes, “all the sweet parts of you.” It can be represented as our time, our energy reserved for the activities we care about the most, and our gifts/expertise. To prevent the sweetness in our lives from spilling out or from being given away frivolously, the lid on our jar serves as a boundary.
Caring for our jars, or our very essence, is more than placing them in a safe environment.
Through regular check-ins, we maintain the integrity of our jars. For instance, to recognize a sugar leak or a relationship/responsibility that drains our time and peace, we can pay closer attention to our needs and enforce boundaries to protect ourselves. We can change the size of our jars to hold more or less in our lives depending on the season we’re in. Most importantly, we can fill our jars by prioritizing self-care.
Prioritize Presence Over Performance
As a recovering people-pleaser, I often struggled with my desire to belong in spaces while showing up as my whole self. I would perform based on the expectations of those around me and find my worth in their praise of my performance. I would ignore red flags and pretend that I was okay to avoid having tough conversations. It was as if I wore a mask, shifting it in place or ditching it altogether, depending on who I was around. Performing in these ways drained me emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Yasmine says that agreeing to perform is another way of saying, “I believe that who I am isn’t enough.” Instead of acting on the internalized belief that I have to be someone else to belong, I prioritized being fully present as my true self, even if it was uncomfortable.
I paid close attention to the suggestions presented in the book and began to:
- Recognize that it’s okay if I don’t fit in everywhere
- Acknowledge my emotions and desires even if it differs from those around me
- Cast imposter syndrome aside
- Refuse to downplay my successes
Know the Difference Between a Boundary and a Barrier
Boundary setting gets a bad rap. Often we view it as selfish or a way to bend others to our will lest they kiss a relationship with us goodbye. Cheyenne defines a boundary as “the rules or structures that we put in place that manage the way we interact with the people, places, things, and commitments that we have in our lives.” Boundaries help us communicate our needs and how we intend to show up in the world around us. They also keep us safe and protect our mental health. However, in an attempt to protect ourselves from experiencing pain, we sometimes build a barrier that ends up keeping good things from entering our lives.
For example, a boundary could be explaining your needs to a friend after feeling as though you aren’t a priority in their life. A barrier could be ending the friendship the moment you’re disappointed and swearing off getting close to others in an attempt to avoid future disappointment.
It can feel intimidating to set boundaries with people who might have constant access to you or even to set boundaries with yourself, but starting small is key. Here are a few tips to get you started:
- Say yes to opportunities that align with who you are and your beliefs
- Decline an invitation if you know you need to prioritize rest (or if you simply don’t want to attend)
- Ask yourself what you’re comfortable with and communicate it
Let Go
The Sugar Jar helped me realize that letting go is an act of self-care. For most of my life, I held onto perfectionism and the notion that I needed to earn my worth. I could understand when others fell short of my expectations, but I would mentally berate myself if I missed my mark. I didn’t give myself the space to make mistakes and was far too tough on myself. I came to realize that holding space for myself when I am less than perfect means that I am human. And most importantly, I recognized that even with my flaws, I am enough.
Letting go also meant releasing the version of myself I’d outgrown without guilt. There were iterations of myself that existed for specific seasons. One version existed when I was content with playing small and believed that I didn’t have what it took to achieve my dreams. Another version needed to be in control 100% of the time to feel safe. I found joy when I realized that I could appreciate who I used to be but realize that there’s no shame in evolving.
Lean Into Acceptance
I used to bypass the inner work I needed to complete in my life by focusing on others. I wore my ability to encourage and counsel those around me as a badge of honor and poured so much energy into watching them transform. It’s no wonder I would feel frustrated if they chose a different path or if they felt content operating in a way that I didn’t agree with. I learned that acceptance doesn’t mean tolerating poor behavior but meeting people where they are.
Once I learned that it’s not my responsibility to change anyone (especially a person that doesn’t believe a change is necessary), the pressure I once felt decreased. Leaning into acceptance meant I recognized that we all have different capacities and timelines for growth.
Simply put, once I started to accept others for who they were I started to focus on my growth.
Dismiss the Urge To Be the “Strong One”
As I mentioned earlier, I derived a lot of pride from pleasing others. Not only did I lack boundaries, but I also played into the societal pressure to be strong 24/7. After all, wouldn’t I be liked even more if I showed that I could handle any and everything? Wouldn’t I prove I’m a great wife, mother, friend, and daughter if I supported my loved ones at all costs? I was wrong. Even worse, I had embodied the Black Woman Trope even though I knew better.
I justified my actions because I pegged myself as the “strong friend,” the “reliable daughter,” or the “super mom.”
There’s nothing wrong with exhibiting strength and showing up for loved ones, but this book gently reminded me that even the “strong ones” need support too. Consider the following questions that were posed in the book if you’re fighting the urge to constantly show your strength:
- Does someone’s need for me help me feel stronger, validated, or necessary?
- How can I be strong and worthy of connection without fully supporting everyone else’s weight?
Gauge Your Healing
It would be easy to gauge our healing if it presented itself as a simple cut on the hand. We'd watch the blood begin to clot and the skin around the wound seals itself until nothing but a tiny scar remained. Unfortunately, there's no clear-cut path to healing from the wounds we cannot see. The good news is that we can assess our healing by checking in with our emotions and taking stock of the improvements we've made (big or small).
Cheyenne says, "Just because you've learned some tools, it doesn't mean you won't have fears, intrusive thoughts, or concerns about choosing the 'right' things for yourself." There are no magic pills to take and no finger snaps that can erase the negative feelings associated with healing. But we're aiming for progress, not perfection, as we heal. So, for example, if you've struggled with setting boundaries, you might see that you are healing when you finally communicate it. You might still feel nervous about the action, and it might not even come out as smoothly as you want it to the first time. You'll notice you're healing even more when you're able to communicate your boundary with ease and can enforce it.
Embracing the intricacies of our healing and shedding parts of ourselves that no longer serve us takes dedication and a lot of work. But even as we work towards being a better version of ourselves, we can still experience the sweetness the journey has to offer.
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There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
Mastering The Art Of Talking Your Partner Through Orgasm: A Guide To Confidence And Connection
I have never been particularly good at dirty talk, but I love, love, love hearing it. Whenever I am getting close to “finishing,” I cue my partner, breathlessly stating, “Talk to me” or “Tell me you want it.” What I didn't know until more recently is that I am asking them to “talk me through it.” But what exactly does that mean? How can you learn to do it, or better yet, how can you get your partner to do it for you? (Go ahead and send them a link to this article, sis!)
In today’s world, the conversation around sex and intimacy is evolving rapidly. Platforms like TikTok have brought once-taboo topics around sex and intimacy into the mainstream. Recently, some of the men on TikTok have been sharing tips on "talking your partner through orgasm"—using verbal cues to guide your partner to and through their climax. It’s not just about talking dirty, but about being in tune with your partner’s emotions and body, enhancing both the physical and emotional aspects of the experience.
For Black women, who often find themselves at the intersection of societal expectations and personal desires, the need for open communication in sexual relationships is especially important. Many of us aren’t sure how to ask for the verbal affirmations that excite us. So let's dive into how you can master this art form.
What Does It Mean to "Talk Your Partner Through It"?
Talking your partner through orgasm can look (or sound) like a few different things. It involves using words and verbal cues to guide them to climax. Unlike regular dirty talk, which may be more about fantasy or teasing, talking your partner through orgasm is about being present in the moment, offering guidance, affirmation, or even instructions as your partner reaches their peak.
Marcqwuan, a sex educator and relationship expert, explains it perfectly:
“For me, talking her through it is a moment within a sexual experience where your partner is climaxing, and you use that special moment to communicate with your partner. Every moment is different.”
But this form of dirty talk isn’t one size fits all. It should be tailored to your partner’s desires, kinks, and needs in the moment.
But why do people go wild for this type of dirty talk? Whitni Miller, Sex Educator and Pleasure Coach, emphasizes, “For starters, it creates a sense of emotional closeness. A little positive reinforcement can make her feel like a goddess. Plus, words have power, and when you turn up the volume on verbal cues, feelings of pleasure can get cranked to 11. And who doesn’t want a bit more oomph as they approach the finale?”
Our senses play an important role when it comes to sexual satisfaction, and hearing your partner whisper sweet nothings while you approach your “O” can help make a lasting impression that keeps you coming back again and again.
Why Dirty Talk Feels Awkward (And How to Get Over It)
For some of us, the idea of dirty talk, especially in a moment as intimate as orgasm, can feel awkward or unnatural. We may not be able to think of the right thing to say or even hesitate for fear of sounding corny. The concern of saying the wrong thing or ruining the mood often holds people back. But most of these barriers are all in our heads.
Dakota Ramppen, certified sex educator, acknowledges these challenges, stating, “Some people get stuck in their heads wondering if what they’re saying is sexy enough or if they sound ridiculous. That hesitation kills the vibe.” But, be aware, your partner may not always want to hear your voice when getting close to their big “O.” Dakota continues, “If she’s in a zone and you’re too forceful or not saying the right things, you could break her rhythm.”
Part of talking your partner through it requires conversation outside of the bedroom, so you can be clear and confident about what they want. The other piece is intuitive and takes watchful practice.
Overcoming that awkward feeling involves communication and repetition. Before diving into talking your partner through orgasm, have an open conversation about what kinds of phrases or cues your partner likes. Witni says, “Adjust your approach based on her responses…find out together what makes her tick!” Start with words or phrases that feel comfortable to you and build from there. It also doesn’t hurt to have a few key phrases memorized (more on this in a few.)
After all, your partner won’t know if your sweet words are preplanned or improvised.
For Him: Tips on Talking Her Through Orgasm
Fellas, this part is for you! When it comes to talking your woman through orgasm, the key is to be present and attentive to her needs and body language. It’s not just about saying something sexy—it’s about creating a connection and supporting her as she reaches her peak. Here are a few tips to guide you:
- Be Affirming: Use phrases that affirm her pleasure, such as “You’re so close” or “You feel amazing.” These words can reassure her that she’s in control and that you’re fully engaged in her experience.
- Stay in Tune: Pay attention to her body language and sounds. If she’s speeding up, match her energy with your words, encouraging her to follow through. As Marcqwuan suggests, “If she can’t hear you, get closer to her ear and speak louder.”
- Use Sensory Language: Highlight the physical sensations she’s experiencing. Try saying something like, “I love how your body feels right now.” Describing what you’re feeling can heighten her own sensory awareness.
- Be Encouraging: Reassure her that her pleasure is your priority. Phrases like “Let go for me” or “I want to feel it” help her feel supported and free to enjoy the moment.
For Her: Talking Him Through Orgasm
Women can also take the lead in talking to their male partners through orgasm. The key is confidence and being in tune with your partner’s preferences. Whitni walks us through some tips:
- Confidence is Key: Own the moment and don’t shy away from guiding him through his orgasm. Your partner will likely appreciate your assertiveness, which can enhance his experience.
- Tailor to His Preferences: Use what you know he enjoys most. If he likes teasing or encouragement, lean into that. Dakota suggests: “It’s about creating a verbal map that gets him exactly where he wants to go.”
- Compliment & Tease: Build anticipation with compliments like “You feel so good” or “I love the way you move.” This will increase his arousal and bring him closer to orgasm.
- Encourage Surrender: Use encouraging phrases like “Come for me” or “Give me everything.” This can help your partner let go and fully enjoy the moment.
Universal Best Practices
No matter your gender or role in the relationship, there are universal tips that can help you master the art of talking your partner through orgasm:
- Positive Reinforcement: Affirm your partner’s pleasure with words like “You’re doing so good” or “Don’t stop.” Positive reinforcement helps build confidence and trust.
- Read the Room: Adjust your approach based on your partner’s reactions. If they’re responding well to your words, keep going. If not, switch things up. As Dakota says, “It’s about feeling where they are and matching that energy.”
- Be Genuine: Your words don’t need to be performative. Speak from a place of genuine connection, and your partner will feel that authenticity.
- Experiment and Have Fun: Don’t be afraid to try new phrases or approaches. Every experience is different, and what works today might evolve tomorrow.
Talking your partner through orgasm is a powerful way to deepen intimacy and create a lasting emotional connection. But it's not all about just talking! As Whitni shared, “And don’t forget your listening ears; tuning in to your partner’s needs will keep the experience flowin' and growin'.” It’s about more than just dirty talk—it’s about being present, engaged, and in tune with your partner’s needs.
So the next time you’re in the heat of the moment, don’t be afraid to use your words. You might just find that they’re the key to unlocking a deeper, more satisfying connection.
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