Listen, when it comes to sex, if I have a tagline (that I made up, by the way), it would definitely be, “Sex doesn’t MAKE love; sex CELEBRATES it.” There are a billion-and-one reasons why I feel that way; however, for the sake of your time and my (writing) space, I’ll just name one: although sex is a very powerful thing, I’m not fond of it being seen as a way to make love happen.
Why? Because that’s how a lot of people fall delusionally into all kinds of relational nonsense: they thought that since the sex was good with someone and because oxytocin did what it was designed to do (which is bond two people together), they must, automatically, be on the fast track to love — when that wasn’t even close to being the case. And oftentimes? They had to find that out the hard way.
That’s why I’m a firm believer that sex should be the icing on the cake of a relationship, so to speak. It shouldn’t be relied upon to make love transpire; instead, it should help you and someone who you know that you love to celebrate your feelings and commitment to one another. Make sense?
Okay, so with all of that said, why did I decide to give this article the title that it has? For one thing, what I just shared is my opinion; others feel differently. And two, even if you agree with where I am coming from, pretty much all of us have been programmed to see “having sex” as being less impacting than “making love.” And the latter point is why I decided to ask six married couples to share with me what they think the difference is between having sex and making love — now that they can look at both from a personal experience and “lesson learned” standpoint.
*Middle names are used so that people are able to speak freely and comfortably*
1. Adrian (42) and Melissa (38). Married 14 Years.
GiphyAdrian: “When I was out in these streets, they should’ve named one of them after me; that’s how active I was. And if you asked me to recall what half of those women looked like, I couldn’t draw you a picture. I’m not saying that to brag. I’m saying that to say that women need to not assume that just because a man slept with you that he wanted anything more than that one experience. Having sex gets projected to be more than that with a lot of men when that isn’t the case. When we get a nut, thank you…over and out. Making love is when we bring all of ourselves into the moment. We have feelings for the person. We let our guard down. We want to make it last for as long as possible because we enjoy being close to them. If you’re paying close attention, you can tell when a man is making love to you — and when it’s just…sex.”
"Making love is when we bring all of ourselves into the moment. We have feelings for the person. We let our guard down."
Melissa: “Unlike my husband here, I wasn’t ‘out here’ like that. I was never someone who wanted a ‘hoe phase,’ and one-night stands weren’t really my thing either. I did have some rebound sex situations, and that’s what I have to go on when it comes to having sex vs. making love. I think for us women, when we’re using someone to get over someone else, there’s no way that could be about love because the motive is selfish. Making love is about giving yourself to another and also wanting to please them as they do the same thing for you. You’re not looking for what you can get so much as what you can give. It’s literally about expressing love in a physical way. Having sex has nothing to do with any of this.”
2. Wesley (30) and Narielle (31). Married for Three Years.
GiphyWesley: “Why isn’t f — king in here too? That’s another category. Yeah, if someone is just f — king you, there’s very little foreplay or kissing, and they have already timed how long you should stay or they’re gonna be at your place. If they’re having sex with you, they will care enough to tell you what the situation is and will pass if you’re not on the same page because they at least value you enough to not want to hurt your feelings or give you any illusions. If they’re making love to you, they’ve told you where they stand, emotionally, before the sex. It doesn’t always mean that you’re in a serious relationship, but the two of you do share similar feelings and are on the same page about where you’d like things to go. When men make love, there’s intention involved. They’re also figuring out how to fit you into their life besides the four walls of their bedroom.”
Narielle: “I think that having sex is more about physical pleasure while making love is a holistic experience. Whenever I make love, things feel more intimate, more intense, and more…involved. I’m also not looking just for an orgasm, but when they happen, they are so much better than when they happen with sex only. It’s like love is in action in the most profound way possible. That’s why I think they call it ‘making love.'”
3. Xavier (41) and Charlotte (38). Married 11 Years.
GiphyXavier: “When you want to be as close as you can to someone because it’s where you feel safe, loved, and fully appreciated as the person you are, and you can trust that because that individual knows more about you than anyone else, that’s when you’re walking into ‘make love dimensions.’ I agree with you: sex doesn’t make love happen. It’s more like…the sex act makes it possible for you to share a closeness with someone that nothing else can. And when that closeness transpires with a person who you love with everything that you are, ‘make love’ is almost the only way to describe it. Now having sex? Animals do that. A sexual release doesn’t mean that anything life-changing or earth-shattering happened. If your genitals get stimulated, you’re gonna climax. Big deal.”
"When I'm horny, I have sex. When I want intimacy, I make love. Most of the time, those two things overlap, but sometimes, I just want to orgasm."
Charlotte: “Hmm. How do I put this? I guess the best way to separate having sex and making love to me is, when I’m horny, I have sex. When I want intimacy, I make love. Most of the time, those two things overlap, but sometimes, I just want to orgasm. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that I’ve got my husband ‘on tap’ to do that with, but the orgasm is really all that I’m after. Making love, though? That’s when the orgasm is the icing on the cake because, more than anything, I just want him inside of me to feel how much I adore him and how much he adores me. If we cum, cool. If we don’t…I’m fine with that too.”
4. Jacob (27) and Ashlynn (27). Married for Two Years.
GiphyJacob: “I think that having sex is about what you can get out of sex, and making love is what you and your partner can get. What I mean is, back when I was just having sex, if the other person had a great time, that was fine, but it wasn’t my main goal. A lot of guys won’t tell you that getting your off is still about us and our ego when there’s not an emotional connection on some level. Making love? I’m not happy, pleased, or done until my partner is, and her being pleased brings me the most pleasure. Making love is a selfless act.”
Ashlynn: “Without going into too much detail, now that I’m married…I don’t think I’ve ever really made love until my husband. I had some really good sex but…when you’re fully committed to someone who is also fully committed to you, it shows up everywhere — including in the bedroom. It’s like…all of the love that I have for this man, I want him to feel it during the sex act, and that is A LOT. I also think that’s why our sex life only gets better over time. The more I love him, the more I wanna express it. Yes, even with sex.”
5. Richard (34) and Shayla (33). Married 7 Years.
GiphyRichard: “Mostly everyone who I’ve had sex with, I cared about on some level. I respected my body and time too much to lower that bar. Making love is something different. When men get to a point where they feel like they are ‘making love to you’ — they are totally vulnerable. They are bringing all of who they are into your energy and space. That’s why women have to be careful about how they treat men whenever a man initiates — he’s bringing his most fragile self to you when he actually loves you.”
"Having sex to me is about the animalistic side of sex. Making love is the emotional part. Sometimes, they meet... sometimes they don't."
Shayla: “I’m gonna be real with you: sometimes I ‘have sex’ with my husband, and sometimes we ‘make love.’ Yes, I love him all of the time, but I think the differences have a lot to do with the mindset you’re in while having sex with someone. Sometimes, I don’t want to be all emotional and cuddly. I want my back blown out! Having sex to me is about the animalistic side of sex. Making love is the emotional part. Sometimes, they meet…sometimes they don’t. I’m satisfied either way.”
6. Ransom (50) and Ostar (47). Married for 24 Years.
GiphyRansom: “Not to go too deep on you, but I think the biggest difference between having sex and making love is in the first words of both terms: have and make. Have means that there are different degrees of possessing something. Make means that there’s a particular method or approach that you’re using to achieve a certain end result. When you have sex with someone, there are degrees of investing that you are putting in to get what you want — and based on who you’re having sex with, that goal can vary. When you make love, you’re going to take the approach that will make you and your partner feel the most loved. There are no variations because, each and every time you make love, love what you’re looking to achieve.”
Ostar: “Damn babe. See why I love this man? In all of our years together, I’ve never heard him speak on this before. He’s gonna get some tonight: sex and love! My thoughts are that having sex is ‘scratching the surface’ of intimacy while making love is going into the deep end of it all. When you want all of who you are to mesh with all of who someone else is, then you’re getting into the ‘make love’ side of things. Also, pay close attention to how you feel once the experience is over. If you want to learn even more about them, get closer to their soul and commit even deeper as you feel all of that being reciprocated? There’s a good chance that some ‘love energy’ was exchanged because, when it’s just sex, you tend to want to retreat back into yourself rather than share even more with someone else. Making love is a spiritual journey. Having sex can be just…physical.”
____
There you have it: six married couples (and 12 different people) sharing their thoughts on what having sex and what making love is — to them. And now that you’ve taken in their perspectives, I’m curious…what are yours? Hop in the comments and share. Because no matter where your feelings fall on the issue, if there’s one thing that all of these insights proved, it’s that sex isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” kind of experience. And you know what? Making love isn’t…either.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Feature image by Franco Zulueta
Essence Atkins Shares Why Abstinence Is Her Path To Purpose And A 'Great Harvest'
Essence Atkins is having a very important conversation.
Known for her role on the hit show Half & Half, the actress appeared on Sherri to discuss her latest projects, her friendship with Tia Mowry, and spilling the tea on her personal life. Surprisingly, Essence revealed that she has been abstaining from sex for the past four years and plans to continue until she remarries.
The star met her first husband, Jaime Mendez, on Valentine's Day in 2008 through the online dating platform Match.com. Mendez was a former All-American collegiate football free safety. The couple wed in September 2009, with Atkins' co-star Valarie Pettiford performing at the reception. However, the marriage ended in divorce in 2016.
When talking about why she chose abstinence, Essence said, "It was something that I heard very clearly. I believe there's honor in what I'm doing, and my obedience is going to yield a great harvest."
And the benefits are real. "I have tremendous clarity. When I meet someone, I can really assess and listen with much better ears because I’m not distracted by the possibility [of physical intimacy]," the actress shared.
Most of all she believes her journey should serve as encouragement to young women. "It's important that we value ourselves and make sure that others are valuing us. Can you spend time with someone without physical companionship? Do they make you laugh? Are they joyful? Are they purposeful and intentional?"
Abstinence vs Celibacy
Abstinence is a temporary decision to avoid sexual activity, while celibacy is a lifestyle choice to abstain from sexual activity for an extended period of time, or even a lifetime.
The Girls Are Celibate
A recent survey conducted by BLK, a dating app designed for the Black community, has uncovered a growing trend of celibacy among Black Gen Z women. The survey's findings indicate that 64% of Black Gen Z women are currently practicing celibacy, with a significant majority (63%) having made this decision within the past six months.
61% of respondents chose celibacy as a means of self-improvement. Furthermore, 66% reported experiencing improved emotional well-being, and 87% found that celibacy either positively impacted or had no negative effect on their dating lives.
As a millennial woman who practiced celibacy for three years, it is a truly awakening experience because you get to wholly honor yourself. And with the dating pool having some pee and other unknown substances in it, it just feels good to make the decision for myself.
Dating apps that focus on specific communities, like BLK, have a unique opportunity. They can see and respond to changes in dating behavior, such as the growing trend of celibacy among Black Gen Z women. For these women, celibacy is a way to take control of their own stories, resist societal pressures, and build healthier relationships. By adapting to these needs, these apps can better serve these users and strengthen their connection with these important sub-communities.
4B Movement
CNN reports that following the news of Donald Trump's re-election as President of the United States, there has been a significant increase in interest in the US for the concept of "4B". The article says, “Young liberal women across TikTok and Instagram are discussing and sharing information about the South Korean feminist movement, in which straight women refuse to marry, have children, date or have sex with men.”
These women are furious after the majority of their male counterparts voted for a candidate who was found liable for sexual abuse. They are also frustrated that his appointment of three conservative Supreme Court justices overturned national abortion rights protections.
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Featured image by Robin L Marshall/Getty Images for ESSENCE