Is Your Relationship Complicated? Simplify It With These Questions
There's a writer by the name of Fredrik Backman who once said something that, I think, is the perfect way to start all of this off— "Everything is complicated if no one explains it to you." Believe you me, if anyone has the T-shirt, bumper sticker and coffee mug for what it means to be in a complicated relationship with a man, it is I.
But as I sit and reflect on a semi-recent conversation that I had with a man who had once broken my heart into a million pieces—insert "Why You Should Be Grateful 'He' Didn't Choose You" here—after he reached out and I asked him, "What do you want?" (at this point?) and he had no answer (dude…really?!), I get that a part of why I had been hurt is because our relationship has always been complicated (difficult to analyze, understand, explain, etc.). The reason why that was the case is because I was more interested in being involved with him than focusing on what I should do to make my life—including my love life—simpler.
Back when I was all caught up in his and mine's hamster wheel, I didn't have enough sense—or even self-love, really—to look up articles like this one. But sometimes, life allows things to happen to us so that we are able to spare others the heartache, drama and wasted time.
Sis, if "complicated" (or some variation of that) is the best way to currently describe what you're in, love yourself enough to ask yourself the following six questions. Trust me, once you have the right answers in tow, you'll realize that things aren't nearly as complicated as you thought. You just have to decide if you want more/better or…not. It really is just that simple.
Did Things Start Off Complicated to Begin With?
GiphyYou know what they say—how relationships start can oftentimes provide a forecast for how they will remain. When it comes to what makes a relationship complicated, I'd say that some of the dynamics that top the list include friends with benefits, dating an ex, messing around with someone who's already in a relationship, getting involved in a long-distance relationship and seeing someone without having a clue about what you want (or don't want) from them or the relationship as a whole.
If you and "yours" happen to fit the bill as it relates to any of these dynamics, the first thing that you should do is sit down and have a chat about if how you started is how you want things to stay. If it's not, it's time to A) take things to the next level; B) take a step back and reevaluate or C) end things altogether. Something that all of these choices have in common is they simplify matters. Significantly so.
Are You Getting All That You Truly Want in a Relationship?
I haven't been on Facebook in years, so y'all would have to tell me if you can still state whether your relationship is complicated or not. What I do know is back when I was on social media and people would inbox me about their complex situations, more times than not, what was "difficult to analyze" is if they were truly getting what they wanted out of their situation or not. And, if they were willing to wait it out to see if things would change…or not.
If this is what has you stumped, a while back, I wrote an article on here entitled "Are You in Love or Are You in Need?" One way to tell the difference between the two is if you are remaining in something that isn't truly fulfilling you, just so you don't have to be alone (or without "him" on some level). Trust me, when you are staying with someone who isn't giving you what you desire, that is a form of self-betrayal. To keep ignoring this reality is complicating your life, to say the least.
If You Aren’t, Are You Compromising or Settling?
A female writer by the name of Elizabeth Kostova once said something that definitely garners an "ouch" response—"Recently abandoned women can be complicated." I don't know about you, but I know there have been times when the pain of a break-up was so excruciating that I would get involved in "something" with someone else, just so it could serve as a distraction. Usually, that something was a form of settling. And, since I knew I was settling, the relationship was complicated. Settling is always complicated.
How can you know the difference between compromising in order to make a relationship work and settling just so you don't have to be alone? Compromising usually involves being with someone who isn't perfect but, in many ways, is perfect for you. They add to your life, you add to theirs and you both work together to make it work. Settling is when you know, out the gate, that you're not getting all of what you need or want; still, you're putting up with "it" anyway because you've somehow convinced yourself that something is better than nothing. (See the drastic difference?)
Although Titles Aren’t Mandatory, Why Don’t YOU Have One?
I once read that couples who are into PDA aren't really doing it because they don't know how to keep their hands off of each other. It's actually because they want to show off; they want to prove to others that they have someone or that someone finds them attractive and appealing. Well, when a person pressures their partner to put a "title" on their relationship—especially once they are over 35 or so—sometimes I wonder if there are some deep-rooted insecurities going on there too. If both folks are clear about what's going on, is a title really all that necessary?
There is one exception to this. It's if what you're in is so confusing that you need a title for clarity's sake. If when you present this very point to the guy that you're seeing and he finds every way underneath the sun to deflect from the issue at hand. If that's what's going on, there's a big possibility that he doesn't want a title because he doesn't want the accountability that comes along with it. And if you choose to stay involved with someone who doesn't want to be held responsible for much, sis, "complex" is just the tip of the iceberg of the problems you've got in store.
When Friends Ask What Y’all Are Doing, Can You Easily Explain It?
GiphyA telling sign that a relationship is super complex is when the two people in it can't explain what the heck is going on in two sentences or less and/or there's a whole lot of awkward silence, followed by "I mean…", "It's kinda like", followed by sighs and other sounds of frustration.
When two individuals are on the same page about what they are doing and why, there is no confusion. Therefore, when one of their friends asks what's up, the answers are simply "We're dating", "That's my boyfriend", "We're taking it slow while we're figuring some things out" or even "That's my 'blue light special'" (my love uncle says that's someone who creeps in after dark and slips out before dawn). If you're not able to give a basic reply or you find yourself low-key poppin' off on your friend who's asking because you're basically embarrassed that you have no idea what's going on, it's time to ask your own self what you and he are doing. Then follow that question up with if that's good enough or not.
Is It Complicated? Or Are You Simply in Denial?
As I already shared, the last man to break my heart, in many ways, we were the walking definition of complicated. In fact, it wasn't uncommon for him to refer to me as "a complicated bird". Anyway, we had a recent chat, just to get everything out and see if there was anything worth salvaging, even on the platonic tip. Now that the rose-colored glasses are gone, as I was listening to him, I realized that our relationship wasn't complicated; I just didn't want to see everything for what it was. As relationship coach Derrick Jaxn recently said—and by "said", I mean warned— about men who tell us that we are too good for them even though they don't really want to let us go, "We confuse the presence of a conscience with the presence of a good person." (LISTEN.)
If you like a guy but all that he's giving you is sex, is the relationship complicated or do you simply not want to admit that you're not going to get much more out of him?
If you are seeing someone who told you that he loves you and he's not interested in anything serious, is the relationship complicated or are you simply refusing to take him at his word?
If you've been with someone for a couple of years now and nothing is progressing, are things complicated or do you simply not want to accept that things are stagnant because he has no long-term plans for you?
I know what it's like to think that something simple is complicated simply because I'm in denial. But you know what? The moment I started accepting the facts, truths and realities of what I was doing and what wasn't doing, the grey clouds in my head cleared up and life got oh-so-much simpler. Brighter too.
Ask yourself, point blank—is your relationship (or situationship) really all that "complicated"? Or are you not wanting to deal with your own facts, truths and realities? The answer to that will change everything for you. It will make things simpler too. I guarantee it.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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This Luxe Hotel Made My First Time In Memphis The Perfect Vacay
Memphis is one of those cities where, when you visit, you instantly feel its soul. The southern metropolitan, nicknamed Bluff City, is located right on the banks of the “mighty” Mississippi River. It is the headquarters for some major companies, such as FedEx and AutoZone, and it is home to St. Jude Hospital and the world-famous Beale Street. Conveniently placed near the action are Hyatt Centric Beale Street and Caption by Hyatt Beale Street. These sister hotels, which are connected, have a lot to offer guests, especially those who are visiting Memphis for the first time, such as myself.
Hyatt Centric Beale Street Memphis
Hyatt Centric Beale Street Memphis rooftop bar Beck & Call
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Sitting along the Mississippi River, both hotels offer breathtaking water views from the rooms, and Hyatt Centric’s rooftop whiskey lounge, Beck & Call, which is the city’s only riverfront rooftop bar, captures expansive views of both the river and the Memphis skyline. Grab a cocktail and take in the beautiful sites Memphis has to offer or enjoy the light show the Hernando de Soto Bridge, aka the “M” Bridge, has every night. On Fridays, guests can unwind and listen to live music.
Hyatt Centric also has CIMAS Lobby Lounge, which provides breakfast bites in the morning and cocktails in the afternoon and evening. CIMAS restaurant has a delectable menu that includes Latin-infused dishes for breakfast and lunch. Other amenities include room service, an outdoor pool with a cabana and poolside dining, a concierge, a fitness center, and more. My room was comfortable and the perfect place to unwind after a full day of exploring the city. I even had a view of the river.
Caption by Hyatt Beale Street Memphis
Caption by Hyatt Beale Street Memphis
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While I didn’t stay at Caption by Hyatt Beale Street Memphis, I did frequent its coffee shop/eatery called Talk Shop. Talk Shop is a laidback hangout spot that encourages community among its locals through its events like Blues & Brews and everyday activities like work (for all the remote workers) or meeting a friend for coffee or a cocktail in its beer garden. Its menu is full of variety, having everything from soft pretzels to BBQ pork sandwiches.
Caption by Hyatt Beale Street Memphis is built into the historic Wm. C Ellis & Sons Ironworks and Machine Shop building. Everywhere you look, you are reminded of its history due to the building’s industrial charm. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t modern. The rooms are colorful and incorporate a lot of iron rods into the design, a nod to the ironworks building.
What is the Difference Between Hyatt Centric Beale Street Memphis and Caption by Hyatt Beale Street Memphis?
Caption by Hyatt Beale Street's Talk Shop and Beer Garden
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If you’re looking for more luxury or traveling with family, then Hyatt Centric might be the better option for you. If simplicity and vibrancy are key, then you may prefer to stay at Hyatt Centric’s sister hotel, Caption by Hyatt. Either way, you can’t lose.
Memphis Attractions
Beale Street sign
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Both hotels are walkable to all the city’s attractions, but of course, I have to start with the iconic Beale Street. Beale Street is where blues orginated and it is one of Memphis’ most popular places for tourists. Walking down Beale Street, you are quickly transported into another world, especially at night. Lights fill the streets as an array of restaurants and bars entice guests with its electrifying music. If you enjoy live music, B.B. King’s Blues Club is the place to go. The restaurant was created by the legendary singer B.B. King, who got his start in blues performing on Beale Street.
BBQ Chicken Nachos at Rendezvous
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As revered as Beale Street is, it's not the only spot in town to find good food and a good vibe. For breakfast, take a quick ride to Sunrise Memphis and take your pick from the mouthwatering biscuits on its menu. If BBQ is your thing, then you are in the right spot. Memphis is known for its BBQ, and Rendezvous is one of the city’s best BBQ joints. The highlight for me is the BBQ chicken nachos, which is a Memphis stable. If you’re looking for fine dining, then Amelia Gene’s is a must. The food is exquisite as it serves food pairings that are unique and full of flavor. I especially love the food presentations of each dish, which adds to the restaurant’s ambiance.
Amelia Gene's
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Other walkable attractions are the National Civil Rights Museum, the Blues Hall of Fame, and the Orpheum Theater. The National Civil Rights Museum is located at the Lorraine Motel, which is where Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was killed. However, the motel has become a memorial for Dr. King as well as the work that many historical figures have done over the years, specifically during the civil rights movement.
The Blues Hall of Fame is near the National Civil Rights Museum, and it features exhibits dedicated to blues artists and culture. It has over 400 inductees and focuses on the history and achievements of each one. The Orpheum Theater is across the street from the hotels, and it is one of Memphis’ treasured venues. Its opulence is displayed inside and out as it stands at the intersection of Main St. and Beale St. As you walk in, you are greeted by a grand staircase and crystal chandeliers hanging above.
The Orpheum Theater
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Touring the theater, you see its beauty, but like many southern businesses that have been around for generations, you also learn about the segregated history. Walking around to the side of the building, there’s a “colored entrance” that was used during segregation. You can even watch a video from people who grew up during that era as they each reflected on their experiences of going to the theater. Many cited all of the steps that they had to take to get to the balcony, which was the only area Blacks were allowed to sit.
Issac Hayes 24k gold Cadillac in Stax Museum
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If you want to take a ride around the city, then hop on the Memphis Mojo tour. This bus tour stops at many landmarks, including Sun Studios, where Elvis Pressley and other artists recorded music. Or you can explore on foot by visiting all the haunted properities on the Memphis Ghost Tour. But we all know Memphis is known for blues, so I can’t end the story without mentioning Stax Museum.
The museum is named after Stax Records, which was a record label based in Memphis that housed a number of talented musicians like soul singer Otis Redding and Grammy award-winning artist Issac Hayes. What makes this museum exciting is that it showcases a variety of photos, records, costumes, and more from the artists on the label. But the highlight was Issac’s 24k gold Cadillac, which was put on full display.
Memphis is a charming city with a rich history and tons of activities for solo travelers, friend groups, and even families. So why not add it to your travel bucket list? By staying at one of the sister properties, Hyatt Centric Beale Street Memphis and Caption by Hyatt Beale Street Memphis, you will be surrounded by everything you need.
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