I've shared before that back in my sexually active days, a pattern that I had was having sex with my friends. While some friends were closer than others and some of the "others" turned into more serious relationships, I don't personally know what it's like to have sex with a stranger or even someone I don't know well. However, I definitely do know people who prefer the opposite of everything that I just said. Casual sex is their preference, for a myriad of reasons. All of us have our own paths. Indeed.
One of my "casual sex homies" has recently found themselves feeling some type of way about their current partner. At first, they thought it was just that the sex was really good. A few months in, though, and they are starting to sense that it could be about a lot more than that.
More Than Sex: 6 Signs You Have an Emotional Connection During Sex
So, in honor of them — gasp! — cultivating an emotional connection, I thought I would share a few genuine signs that you're making a genuine emotional connection with your sex partner and a few reasons why I think that is indeed the case.
1. You’re Into Missionary — And It Feels Meaningful
Missionary Happens. Often.
talk show woman GIF by iOne DigitalGiphyYou know what's interesting? Back when I was in my 20s, I heard a lot of people frown on the missionary position. They called it things like "boring," "bland" and "old-fashioned." Meanwhile, folks who are in their mid-30s and up and/or are in a serious relationship, tend to be quite fond of it. Rave reviews like "you can maintain eye contact that way," "you're able to feel really close to your partner" and "it's super intimate" are what I hear, more than a little bit.
I think a part of the reason is that, when you're at a point and place where you want to have sex for more than "get off" reasons, you're not necessarily looking for a position that will help you to climax the fastest; it's more about discovering ways where you and your partner can really get close, "melt into one another"…bond.
Listen, I started being sexually active in college. There's a lot of raging hormones at that time and sex is definitely more about curiosity and getting your rocks off more than cultivating anything that would fall under the category of special or highly significant. That said, if you've got someone who is always trying to put you in doggy style and frowns upon missionary (or some variation of it), ask them why.
While I'll be the first to say that all positions have their benefits, remember, we're talking about emotional connections here and since the eyes are indeed the window to the soul, wouldn't it make sense that the two of you would look at each other, at least a little bit, during the act?
2. You Can Laugh Together During Sex
Sex Isn’t Taken So Seriously
I remember once reading that some of the benefits that come from having a sense of humor and laughing a lot are they both help to decrease stress while also boosting immunity, improving one's moods, decreasing pain, and — get this — stimulating organs. That last one happens because, when you laugh, you get more oxygen into your system; this, in turn, causes your brain to release endorphins which can bring pleasure and help to calm you down as well.
If the relationship is new and/or you're just having sex for the first time, it makes sense that you may feel some tension or anxiety. However, once you've been with someone for a while, there's no need for sex to feel like a performance where you'll be judged or that you have to be somber all of the time. Sex should be about having a lot of fun and that includes being able to laugh with each other. Whether it's during foreplay, the act, or afterplay, if the two of you can joke around and not take things so seriously, that's another pretty good indication that you're in a great place — emotionally.
3. Real Communication Happens — Not Just Dirty Talk
Communication (Not Just Dirty Talk) Happens During the Act
Sexy In Bed GIF by CBSGiphySomething that someone said to me, not too long ago, is they feel the most powerful style of communication is sex. Personally, I really dig that perspective because one definition of communicate is "to impart thoughts" while another is "something imparted, interchanged, or transmitted." One of the main reasons why I encourage married couples to have sex, as much as possible really (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important" and "8 'Kinds Of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation"), is because, physically, it's the closest that you can get to someone else. And as women, when someone is literally inside of us, it can cause us to let our guard down and open up the door to share in a way that we might not in any other setting.
When this transpires, some dirty talk may be involved yet so does simply expressing feelings, needs and desires overall. I mean, think about it — when the sex is really good, how easy is it for an "I love you" or "You mean so much to me" to come out? And when that does, doesn't it help to solidify the bond that you and your partner already have? The way that relationships grow is through a healthy form of communication. Sex is not only one way to cultivate communication, it can significantly strengthen it too.
4. You’re Naked In More Ways Than One
“Nakedness” Transpires in a Myriad of Ways
I know. It's a given that nakedness and sex go hand in hand. What I'm speaking of here is being naked from the angle of removing all sorts of layers and walls. See, when sex is just good on a physical level, you and your partner can give each other orgasms, walk away and not know very much about each other at all (happens all of the time out here). When there is an emotional connection, though, you feel at ease talking about childhood memories, family issues, past heartbreaks — things that reveal you to another person in a very powerful kind of way.
In certain translations of the Bible, one way that sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is described is by using the word "know". Matter of fact, the first documented married couple (Adam and Eve) were instructed to be "naked and not ashamed" with one another (Genesis 2:24-25). Every time I think about both of these points, it reminds me that an emotional connection in sex means that two people are sharing themselves in a very profound way. They are coming to know each other in a way that very few will be able to speak of when it comes to them. And y'all, that is pretty powerful, if you ask me.
5. Pleasing Each Other Is The Top Priority
Pleasing Each Other Is the Main Goal
GIF by Cardi BGiphyNot too long ago, I was having a conversation with some folks about R&B artist Miguel. More specifically, how fascinating it is that so many women find him sexy when songs like "Quickie" and "How Many Drinks?" low-key send the message that sex with him is gonna be quick, that he doesn't think you are worth wooing and your pleasure isn't exactly his top priority. While I'm mostly speaking in jest, let's not act like art isn't imitating life in a lot of bedrooms. Meaning, there are definitely men (and women, if we're going to be fair) who really couldn't care less if their partner is feeling fully satisfied; so long as they are getting what they want/need, at the end of the day, that's all that truly matters to them.
This is 1000 percent not the case when an emotional connection is involved. That's because, when two people care about each other, they want to bring their partner pleasure, joy, and satisfaction. On the sexual tip, sex isn't even all that gratifying unless their partner is fully pleased. I say it often in my sessions with married folks — when both people get off more on pleasing the other person, it's pretty difficult to only have ho-hum sex. Emotionally connected couples know this. That's why, when it comes to "meh" coitus, they rarely can relate.
6. There’s Intimacy Outside Of The Bedroom Too
Intimacy Is Also Being Cultivated Outside of the Bedroom
Honestly, I can't even remember which forum it was (Reddit, Quora, etc.) that I pulled the following two quotes from. What I do know is I appreciated both of them so much that I made sure to jot them down and give each guy their proper credit. The context was can you get tired of having sex with this same individual. This is what they said:
"Do not think of it as 'I am having sex with this woman.' Think of it as 'We are having sex together.' Think of your partner as your equal. Both of you are doing this, and both of you are working so that both of you can enjoy it." (Miguel Valdespino)
"Whether you ever get tired of sex with someone is a choice. It's a choice you might not know you're making, but it's still a choice. If you choose to allow sex to become a boring routine, then sex will become boring and routine. If, on the other hand, you choose to be experimental, to explore new things (even if they might sound 'weird' to you), if you try new ideas, if you talk about your fantasies, then there is so much territory to discover that sex with one person for a thousand years doesn't have to be boring." (Franklin Veaux)
That is some grown man stuff right here and I salute it. Anyway, I thought this would be a good place to bring all of this to a close because, clearly, the reason why these men could speak with this level of awareness and maturity is that their emotions have been involved with a partner before; they know what true intimacy is all about.
Intimacy. When the person you're having sex with is interested in spending time with you, hanging out with you, learning more about you outside of your boudoir — when they are content just being in your space because they dig so much more than what's between your legs, this also shows signs of an emotional connection being established.
You know what this means, right? If there is a ton of sex and not much else and you want more, scale back a bit and see if he's just as interested in being around you with your clothes on. If there's something bigger than climaxing going on, he will call, plan dates, and initiate non-sexual time. If there's not, at the very least, guard your heart. As you've just seen, great sex is not automatically a sign of anything deeper. For there to be a genuine emotional connection, thoughts and feelings must be mutually shared…too.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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