Self-love can be the best love but most of us have had to go through a journey of self-hate, or at least intense dislike, before we reached the pot of gold on the other side. From loving ourselves at any size to embracing the quirkiness we can't seem to shake, we were all built and wired differently for a reason. And the sooner we welcome this and all that comes with it, the better. The best part? We're not alone. As women, we are all on our own journey of getting to a space where we love ourselves and embrace all that we are.
Seven women have bravely and vulnerably shared their journey of self-love, what they've had to go through to get to a healthy space, and how they make sure it never leaves their side and life.
Photo by Taylor Perez
"Self-love is undoubtedly incredibly necessary to a person's well-being."
I think the term "self-love" is incredibly saturated right now, so it's important to give yourself the time and space to define what it means in your own life, that is, without getting stuck in surface-level wellness practices like manicures and solo-dates. I like to pamper myself as much as the next person, but to me, self-love means finding the courage to dive into the deepest, darkest parts of your relationship with yourself. It's becoming comfortable with your shadows and listening to and nourishing your mind, body, and spirit accordingly.
I struggled with loving myself for most of my life due in part to subconscious conditioning from my upbringing and just being a young American girl growing up in the 90s; a time ripe with societal pressure to believe and consume, consume, consume.
Growing up in a traditional Latinx-Caribbean family, I was predisposed to having a contained view of what wellness looked like for "people like us". Severely important topics like mental health were kept hush-hush unless it pertained to major events like a mental breakdown or suicide. I grew up believing that therapy was only for "crazy people".
Years of unaddressed anxiety, depression, and panic attacks prevented me from loving myself fully and not loving myself prevented me from having healthy relationships with others. It wasn't until I had my own mental breakdown where I was debilitated for over a week with anxiety and suicidal thoughts that my family considered that I might actually need help.
Over a decade later, I am still healing through self-care practices like therapy, eating more whole, plant-based foods, and spending honest time with myself, but I have fully acknowledged that there is nothing wrong with me. I love myself fully even though my mental illnesses are something I have to navigate daily. Knowing that I am worth a love that fills every part of me has allowed me to heal my relationships, including the once painful relationship with my husband. Remembering who I am and loving myself like I know it is a full-time job, one that I'm now well-versed in.
Self-love has evolved with me through the years. I am a mother to a beautiful, brilliant brown-skinned girl now, so knowing that my self-love will influence how she forms her thoughts about herself and love, I am deliberate about loving every part of me. Aside from doing the work at home, I've created a career around holding safe spaces to talk about self-love and the dark, uncomfortable "symptoms" that come with it. I take pride in being vulnerable with the world as a way to teach the world to be vulnerable with themselves. That's how important self-love is to me.
Photo by @lifeasro_
"Self-love is having self-respect, confidence, and truly being happy with who you are as a person."
When my dog passed away, I was really depressed and started eating to take my mind off things, thinking it would make me feel better. I began to gain weight and became so disgusted and disappointed in myself because I couldn't fit any of my clothes anymore and I had no one to blame but myself. I stopped taking pictures of myself and started declining invitations to go to events unless I really had to go because I hated how I looked.
I realized that the only person standing in the way of me getting back in shape was myself. I wasn't putting the right food in my body, so I took the initiative to start juicing and working out regularly. I also realized that just because I gained some weight didn't mean I wasn't beautiful. I accepted myself at the stage I was in and really pushed myself to start to get back to how I used to be. I am still not where I want to be yet, but it's a process.
Now, I'm intentional about practicing self-love regularly. I always try to start my day by thinking about one thing that I am grateful for. I also celebrate my wins, no matter how big or small they might be and honestly, I am very patient with myself. I have the tendency to be very hard on myself, so I take moments to acknowledge my persistence and truly appreciate where I am now because it's so much better than where I was years or even months ago.
Photo by Victoria Saperstein
"To me, self-love means loving yourself unconditionally. It means embracing your individuality and trusting yourself to forge your own path with confidence."
If there's anyone that understands how difficult it can be to love the skin you're in, it's me. I don't think there was ever a time in my life that I wasn't aspiring to reach a goal weight, but I struggled the most in my late teenage years.
When I entered my first year of college, my obsession with weight loss hit an all-time high. One winter break while I was home in NYC, I made my way up to Washington Heights to visit a doctor who wrote diet pill prescriptions for anyone that could shell out $60. The pills essentially suppressed my appetite, and they were not FDA approved. You would take the pill, have coffee for breakfast, and eat spinach with 8oz of meat for dinner. That was it. I followed the diet and spent 45 min in the gym every day; it was such an unhealthy time in my life. My family begged me to stop, my doctor ordered me to stop, and only my closest friends knew what I was doing. I was in that routine on and off for two years.
It took me a while, but I realized I was trying to fix something that wasn't broken. I was so lost in my thoughts that I never stopped to appreciate the abundance of what I had: a beautiful, well-functioning body that was showing up for me every day. It also hit me that I would never be as young and beautiful as I am in the present moment. I used to have random flashbacks to my skinniest moments and think about how crazy it was that in those moments, I was still obsessed with losing weight. That was another major turning point because it made me realize that I had to change the narrative moving forward. I committed to honoring and loving myself no matter what.
It didn't happen overnight. Like all things in life, loving myself required work. Everything is connected, so learning how to listen to my body and follow its lead was important. I started paying attention to everything; the people I was surrounding myself with, the media that I was consuming, and how different situations made me feel. I eliminated all the bad energy in my life and stopped frequenting spaces that made me feel undervalued. I engaged in physical activity that made me feel confident and rested when I needed to.
I am so happy that I learned how to love myself unconditionally. Not only am I healthy, but I now have these amazing memories of embracing my body and empowering other women, which are some of my proudest moments!
To me, self-love means loving yourself unconditionally. It means embracing your individuality and trusting yourself to forge your own path with confidence. It means working towards achieving your wildest dreams with no shame. It means doing the work now so that you can look back at yourself in the future with no regrets.
I embrace self-love by seeking out what happiness means to me as an individual and developing a checklist tailored to my specific needs. I don't need to look like anyone else, obtain the same credentials, or live my life according to anyone else's standards.
Courtesy of LaKeidra
"Self-love is a constant journey."
I've had many moments in my past where my physical appearance caused me to have a difficult time loving myself, even recently. In addition, being in my early 30s and still working through my personal expectations of "where I should be" has also caused me to get down on myself from time to time. It's important to note that self-love isn't just about loving how you look.
Self-love revolves around acceptance and honesty for me. It's accepting who I am, where I am and how I show up. But it's also being honest with myself in instances where I am capable of more or deserve more. It's a balancing act and is about being in tune with yourself and your needs at any given time.
Going to therapy is key! It helps me confront the beliefs I have about myself and think about the practices I engage in day-to-day without knowing. Due to therapy, I have been able to be more self-aware and notice when I'm not feeling my best. When I notice, I take time for myself to breathe, calm my anxiety and affirm myself and then come up with a plan of action if needed. Literally this weekend, I sat down and took a few hours to refocus because I felt myself getting into old habits of comparing my journey to others and feeling less than. It definitely helps to pause and be present. I'm still working on it, but I'm taking control of my life as much as I can.
"As a whole and healed person, I know self-love to be caring enough about myself to unapologetically discard anything that doesn't hold me in the highest regard."
It's funny because about four years ago, I thought "self-love" was a concept people were using just to pawn off on me because I was going through a break-up. It felt like a send-off or a dismissal. Now, as a whole and healed person, I know self-love to be caring enough about myself to unapologetically discard anything that doesn't hold me in the highest regard. Anything that treats me or makes me feel less than? Gotta go! That's friends, jobs, sex partners, AND pants sizes! It's also being grateful for what I've been blessed with. Oftentimes, we long for something more when what we have is enough. His grace is sufficient, and so are my small boobs. They're fine how they are!
I've totally struggled with self-love before. I had no idea where to start because as a teenager, I'd become so attached to the idea that a significant other validated me. I thought, "If this kind of guy chooses me, that means I'm worthy. That means I have permission to feel confident." So, when I got in a relationship with a narcissist and he constantly critiqued and compared me to other women, I longed to be like those women because it'd satisfy him and validate me. NO MA'AM! Never again! Men will have sex with a bottled water; they don't care! Why should I base my confidence on some man?
I overcame my struggles with self-love by doing the work. First, you have to be willing, and I knew the way I treated myself (staying in a narcissistic abusive relationship, ripping myself to shreds in the mirror, skipping meals, etc.) wasn't working for me. It was only adding to my destruction. So, I watched more Iyanla, I read more books, spent time with people who love me unconditionally, I went to church, journaled, and I masturbated. I really did my work. The "work" looks different for everyone.
I still aim to embrace self-love by appreciating all stages of myself. Sometimes when I take my weave out, I have a beat of nervousness because I've grown used to the way I look with a Kardashian middle-part. My natural hair is a short bob. And I have to literally tell myself, "This is beautiful, too." I'm constantly working on re-wiring my brain to work for me and not against me due to my past relationships, and I feel like it's working for me. I'm proud of myself!
Courtesy of Jalysa
"I make time for the things I love and bring me joy. On the flip side, I take myself out of situations that do not serve me well. I think a big part of self-love is setting boundaries and doing what is best for you."
It is really easy to embrace the things we like about ourselves or feel great when we're really good at something. It's also a really beautiful thing to acknowledge and love our "flaws" because they are unique to who we are as a person. Self-love is accepting myself, flaws and all! It's also taking the time to do things that make you happy. Whether it's getting rest, doing your favorite workout, or spending time with loved ones. We are the best version of ourselves when we are happy.
I've been on this journey to self-love/acceptance since I was in high school. There was a point in time where I wished I had a lighter skin complexion, smaller lips, and was two sizes smaller. I really struggled with body image and my appearance for a long time. There have also been times where I felt like I never "fit in" and it really took a toll on my self-esteem. With social media being so big these days, it's easy to compare ourselves to others which is a terrible cycle to get stuck in. Thankfully, there are a few different things that have helped me over the years.
For starters, I am a huge advocate for therapy and know that it has helped me tremendously. I can tell a difference when I go more consistently. The company we keep is also extremely important for numerous reasons and I became very intentional with who I spend time with and energy on. I also made it a point to surround myself with more Black women. It was honestly something I never knew I needed but has been such an amazing life change for me.
I look at how far I have come over the years, and that alone makes me proud of who I am. We all have different struggles; but when we look back and see that we overcame them, who wouldn't love that? I try to surround myself with positive, uplifting, inspiring people and it makes such a difference. I make time for the things I love and bring me joy. On the flip side, I take myself out of situations that do not serve me well. I think a big part of self-love is setting boundaries and doing what is best for you. I take all of these things into account often and I truly believe that I am the best version of myself these days. Once I started implementing them, I noticed that others started telling me, "You look happy." That is one of the best compliments you can receive.
Courtesy of Keisha Nicole
"Self-love for me today is being sensitive to what I need, when I need it and just giving in to ME."
It's work. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle. It's less self-pity and more of mastering self-control and not allowing your thoughts to consume you negatively. It's appreciating the scars and turning them into beauty marks.
My struggle started with my family. My cousins are mixed with Black and Hispanic and my side of the family is 100% Black. I didn't always feel like I fit in because some of my cousins are lighter-toned and I wanted to be like them. As a young girl, I couldn't understand why I wasn't mixed like them. Then, I was from one of the only two Black families at my elementary school and again, I wanted to be what I saw around me. I can vividly recall the sting I felt one day at school when a little girl said to the kids around me, "Don't play with Keisha, she's a Black girl!" That truly affected me.
I also grew up as the chubby girl. I didn't have the most confidence, so I found other ways to make people like me which was through my personality. I was truly shaped mentally and emotionally by what people thought of me. That's where my struggle with self-love stemmed from.
I think one of the funniest comedians is Katt Williams. People give him a hard time or think he's crazy the way he speaks his mind, but he said something that resonated with me and should with anybody. During one of his standup comedy shows, he spoke to the women about self-esteem and said, "It's called SELF-ESTEEM... esteem of yourself!" That's where self-love begins or is taken away; when we're looking for it outside of ourselves, that influence or stripping of our identity can happen early. And you don't know this when you're a little girl, but over time and the older you get, you really start to see how it's shaped you in the wrong way. So, I had to really reprogram my mind, reprogram my thinking.
I took a step back and realized that I was throwing myself into like-relationships that didn't deserve me. I've always known that I had this really dope energy, but it just seemed like everything around me was sucking that energy FROM me. I literally started throwing myself into work. I became the ambitious, over-achieving, competitive and just "all-in" chick.
When I got my first big break, I left a radio station in L.A. and relocated to Louisville, Kentucky. I created an anti-bullying campaign for kids who were bullied. I knew how it felt to be talked about, judged or left out by other kids for what you didn't have or how you looked. The most pivotal moment of that experience was sitting with that same group of kids afterward, discussing what we had been through. It was supposed to be for the kids, but it ended up being life-changing for me.
Part two of me overcoming was when I started valuing myself and getting into shape. It wasn't about just losing weight, it was about the discipline. Getting disciplined in this one particular area of my life really helped me discipline other things, like my emotions and the people I allowed into my space. I was able to get clarity and focus on just ME. This is when I started learning to truly love ME.
Today, I practice self-love by saying no and not settling for less in one-sided relationships. There were times when I didn't love myself enough, I would stay in a situation where I KNEW someone didn't value me. When I think back on it, I'm glad that despite how I was feeling, I would wake up and tell myself every day that I'm a boss and push through; I had to do that for me and over time I grew stronger. I continue to protect myself from anything that makes me feel less than and I try not to allow any negative energy into my space.
Through my journey, I learned that self-love is unconditional. You have to be patient and you have to be kind to yourself. I value the simple things and make sure that I give myself mental breaks (so underrated). Even if that's just waking up on the weekends to take a bike ride. Self-love for me today is being sensitive to what I need, when I need it and just giving in to ME.
Featured image courtesy of Taylor Perez
Originally published on October 10, 2019
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Charmaine Patterson is a journalist, lifestyle blogger, and a lover of all things pop culture. While she has much experience in covering top entertainment news stories, she aims to share her everyday life experiences, old and new, with other women who can relate, laugh, and love along with her. Follow Char on Twitter @charjpatterson, Instagram @charpatterson, and keep up with her journey at CharJPatterson.com .
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7 Sex-Related Problems That Ruin Sex (And Possibly Your Relationship)
Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me to define one of the main purposes of sex in a long-term relationship: “Probably the most intimate form of communication that we have is sex because it’s an act that connects one’s physical, mental and emotional state to another human being simultaneously — and communication doesn’t get much more profound than that.”
That’s part of the reason why the term “casual sex” irks me to the billionth degree (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”); it’s because, even if you think that sex with someone is next-to-nothing, there is so much going on within you (oxytocin highs, if you’re unprotected, fluid bonding, chemical reactions in your brain, etc.) that doesn’t know if someone is “the one” (in your mind) or not. So, in many ways, it acts like they are (check out this YouTube video from a Catholic woman who studies some unexpected ways that sex affects us physically here; sex goes deep, y’all!).
Yeah, sex is so much more than a notion, and that’s why I’m a firm believer that it is such a barometer for long-term relationships overall — because, as I’ve shared before, I once read that, “Good sex in a relationship is 10 percent of the relationship while bad sex in a relationship is 90 percent of the relationship because sex tends to set the tone for what’s happening in the rest of the house.”
And that’s why I think that there are certain sex-related issues that can not only damage your sex life with your partner but could also end up ruining your relationship if you’re not careful (very careful). Let’s get into seven of them now.
1. Being Unaware of Your “Body Clock”Giphy
I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who’ve come to me in some serious trouble, in part due to their flailing (or partly nonexistent) sex life. When I ask them if they went to premarital counseling (if you’re engaged, please do; you have a 33 percent greater chance of avoiding divorce when counseling transpires), many say “no” and the ones who say “yes” usually say that it was no more than 3-5 sessions and the topic of sex barely came up (le sigh). Meanwhile, with my premarital meetings, I try and stick with intimacy for three months if I can because there is a lot to unpack, from what you learned as a child, to your first time (or if you are a virgin), to your needs and fantasies, to how you see it from a spiritual perspective — like I said, there is a lot to unpack there.
Take the mere practicality of sex, for example — and more specifically, your body clock. Do you prefer to have sex at night or in the daytime? A lot of couples struggle with intimacy because one prefers the former while the other likes the latter. Do you keep track of when you’re ovulating? It’s pure science why you are probably hornier during that time of the month (because your body is signaling that it’s time to conceive) vs. the fact that you might not be the most interested in sex when you’re PMS’ing. Are you premenopausal? Hormones shift a lot during that time, and here’s the thing — while menopause only lasts a year, the premenopausal stage (which typically starts between 45-55) can last between 7-14 years. Even paying attention to when you have more energy (some do in the day…morning sex, anyone? While others do early in the evening) can play a role.
So yeah, getting to know your body clock (and discussing your partner’s clock with them) can play a role in how much — or how little — sex you have…and that can add life or drain it from the relationship overall.
2. Comparing Your Present with Your PastGiphy
There is a wife of almost 20 years I know who, when I asked her if she thought that her husband was good in bed, she paused for a second, shrugged her shoulders, and simply said, “I was a virgin when I got married, so I have nothing to compare him to. I mean, he’s good to me.” On the flip side, there’s a now divorced couple who I also know (who almost made it to 20 years) who had multiple partners before each other while also having a deep interest in porn who once said to me, “Sometimes, there’s as much as 15 people in our bed because of all of the people from our past and the porn that we’ve seen that’s running through our heads.” Yeah, y’all can act like body counts don’t matter, but there is so much evidence out here that says otherwise — that couple just gave one that doesn’t get talked about as much as it should.
You know, one of my favorite throwback shows is King of Queens (Kevin James, Leah Remini). A few weeks ago, I watched a rerun where Doug and Carrie were talking about the images that come up in their minds, sometimes during sex. Neither was too happy about it, and I can totally see why. I mean, if sex was just about “getting off” (and it’s not), then whatever. However, AGAIN, it’s also about connecting with your partner on a mental and emotional level, and that’s hard to do if you’re there with them in the body while you’re fantasizing about a celebrity, a porn actor (porn is usually acting, don’t let it fool you) or an ex (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”).
And what if that is what’s going on? I once spoke with a sex therapist about this very thing. What she said is people should be less concerned about celebs (if it’s on occasion) and more concerned about that ex because rarely is sex with an ex…just about the sex.
And that’s why this point made the list. If you’re physically with your partner and mentally or emotionally with your ex at the same time, please don’t ignore that. There are definitely some unresolved issues there that you need to work through, whether it’s with a therapist, counselor, or coach, a trusted friend (who won’t add fuel to the literal fire), or even with your ex — although you might want to run that by your partner first because…I’m pretty sure you’d want him to do that with/for you. RIGHT?
3. Not Being Clear About Your Sexual NeedsGiphy
Question — if someone were to walk up to you right now and ask you what your top seven sexual needs are, along with what your top five sexual dealbreakers are, would you be able to answer? It really is kind of wild how many people get upset with their partner for not being able to sexually satisfy them when even they can’t articulate what they need/require in order for that to happen. Yeah, it’s another article for another time about how many people UNREALISTICALLY (and yes, I am yelling it) think that someone loving them well means that they should be able to read their mind. Nope.
It truly can’t be said enough that sex — especially good sex — is about communication. Hmph. It makes me think about a clip that I saw from Tonight’s Conversation podcast (can’t find it at the moment; sorry) where a woman asked how she should tell her partner that he hasn’t been pleasing her, I believe she said for years. My first thought was if he doesn’t know that, she must be faking orgasms (more on that in a bit) which is not only lying — well, it is —, but it’s also pretty counterproductive because while he thinks that he’s “getting the job done,” she’s not fulfilled and resentment is setting in.
Please don’t let rom-coms (fiction) and social media (which is oftentimes fictitious) have you out here thinking that a good lover is someone you automatically gel with who knows exactly what to do; sometimes that is the case, and oftentimes it isn’t.
So, if the sex-related issue that you’re having in your relationship is that your sexual needs aren’t being met, first do you (and your partner) a favor by doing some sex journaling (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”) so that you can tangibly see what those needs are and then plan time within the next week or so to pour a couple of glasses of wine, put on some 90s R&B and discuss with your partner what you need. Because actually, what a good lover is, is someone who listens and retains. This brings me to the next point.
4. Minimizing Your Partner’s Sexual NeedsGiphy
A husband once told that when he and his wife were in premarital counseling, something that he mentioned was a bona fide need was fellatio. According to him, his wife told both him and their counselor that she loved giving head. Fast forward to eight years of being in their union, and guess how many times that act went down? A measly four. FOUR TIMES (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?”).
It’s another message for another time, the amount of people who will “false advertise” during the dating stage in order to get to their goal of marriage. It’s also another message for another time how much that is a form of manipulation that tends to backfire in ways that the manipulator is oftentimes not prepared for.
For now, what I will say, is never think that just because something may not be a need for you that it isn’t a legitimate one for someone else. I mean, how would you feel if that’s how someone treated you? Yeah…exactly.
Yet that is just what happens in a lot of relationships, including when it comes to their bedroom. They will think that their needs should be met, hands down, yet when their partner comes with what’s important to them, all of a sudden, there is dismissiveness, nonchalance, and/or excuses — and how could that not rear its ugly head on so many levels?
Your partner’s sexual needs are essential, even if they are not your own. Never assume that you automatically know everything about them. Also, never assume that what worked two years ago is what will “scratch the itch” now. Hmph. Come to think of it, while you’re sipping on that wine and clearly articulating to him what turns you on, use that as an opportunity to ask him to return the favor. Listen with humility, receptiveness, and intent — the best kind of relationships process their partner’s needs with this kind of vibe…across the board.
5. Taking the “If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It” ApproachGiphy
Lazy lovers. When you hear that phrase, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind? If it’s someone who is just lying there during sex, that would certainly qualify; however, I’m actually speaking of a different kind of laziness here. Believe it or not, some synonyms for lazy include words like apathetic, inattentive, tired, passive (cough, cough), procrastinating, neglectful, and slacking. So yeah, if you and/or your partner can use any of these words to define what sex is consistently like between the two of you — red flag, red flag…RED FREAKIN’ FLAG.
Speaking of being passive, another potentially serious sex-related problem is taking on the attitude that if something ain’t broke, you shouldn’t fix it. What I mean by that is, just because you know that getting on top and riding for exactly six-and-a-half minutes is what will get your partner off, that doesn’t mean that it should be your automatic go-to all of the damn time.
Why? Because. While a part of the fun of having sex is “reaching the peak,” another component that should never be underestimated is discovering new territory: trying new positions, creating a sex bucket list, taking (more) sexcations, playing sex-themed board games (put that phrase in Amazon or on Etsy’s site and go ham!)…you know, doing what will inspire creativity and deter either of you from becoming bored.
That said, a husband of 17 years once told me, “A man can be satisfied with the same woman. We just don’t want the same kind of sex with her.” Words to live by. Yes, indeed.
6. Using Sex as a Deflection or Coping MechanismGiphy
A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good” — and with good cause. Words cannot express how many divorced (or soon-to-be divorced) women have told me that a part of what kept them in their marriage, for as long as they stayed in it, was the fact that the sex with their husband was beyond amazing…even though so much other stuff completely and totally sucked. Hey, good sex isn’t a bad thing (c’mon now); however, if it’s the only real thing that’s keeping you with someone, it can turn out to be a toxic deflector.
The reason why I say that is the purpose of sex isn’t to make love; it’s to celebrate it. And if all you’re doing with your partner is f — king and fighting or avoiding issues by stripping down or thinking that sex will “make it all better,” all the while not really knowing what the problem/issue is or what needs to be done to get down to the root of it, that is using sex as a pacifier and again, that’s not what sex is designed to be. Sex doesn’t deserve the pressure of being the end-all to “fixing” ish.
So, if what’s transpiring in your relationship lately is very little talking and a whole lot of sexing, and then once the sex is over, something still feels “off,” that’s a good indication that you’re misusing sex on some level. Get out of the bed, put on a robe, and do some talking (preferably in a room other than the bedroom; leave that space for sex and sleep only as much as possible). Because remember — as much as the wives that I mentioned said that their husbands once had them climbing the walls, those men are still ex-husbands now. Bottom line, sex is good, yet when it comes to keeping a relationship together, it will never be enough. Again, it was never designed to be.
7. Faking ItGiphy
I will never be a fan of faking orgasms. Maybe it’s because I’m a Gemini (we may be a lot of things, but “fake” isn’t really our style). Maybe it’s because I’m a very word-literal individual, and I know that fake means things like “prepare or make (something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent)” and “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive.” Or perhaps it’s because I don’t get how acting like you’re sexually fulfilled when you actually aren’t is doing anyone any good. Whatever it is, whenever a client (or someone in general because men fakealmost as much as women do) tells me that it’s something they do, I immediately find myself on a mission to shut that mess down (check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP”). ALL THE WAY DOWN.
The main reason is that, regardless of if the motive is to hurry things along, not hurt your partner’s feelings, or it’s something more cryptic than that (cough, cough, some form of manipulation tactic), there’s no way around the fact that fakeness is tied to deception and deception is a word that should never be connected to a healthy sexual dynamic.
Besides, one could argue that faking is a form of deflection as well because…wouldn’t it be better to just get it all out in the open WHY you are doing it than to keep pretending when life is too short and great sex is too good to not get the absolute most out of it, as much as possible?
Besides, again, chances are that if you’re faking that you’re sexually pleased, you’re probably faking something else in your relationship (or situation), and how could that possibly be good, right, or beneficial?
Yeah, when it comes to being satisfied across the board, please don’t fake it. State your case in the way that you’d like to hear something said to you, and let the chips fall where they may. If you’ve got a good man, he’s gonna — no pun — rise to the occasion. If his ego can’t handle it, well…that’s something that you should find out sooner than later — when it comes to the bedroom and outside of it? Right? #shoyouright
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Featured image by Giphy