Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose
While doing an interview not too long ago, someone asked me what I thought was the biggest mistake people tend to make in life. Without hesitation, I said, “It’s two-fold. One thing is not being laser-focused when it comes to fulfilling their purpose. The second is to not be even more intentional about aligning yourself with people who will complement their purpose along the way.”
You know, it is Mark Twain who once said something that I’m pretty sure you’ve heard before — “The two most important days in life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” He’s right because there is something that is super empowering and self-validating about tapping into “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” (one definition of purpose and in this case the “something” would be yourself) and then coming up with “an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal” (another definition of purpose) as it relates to it all.
You can do this so much easier once you’ve got people who fit your purpose inside of your world. So, let’s take a few moments to dig into what all of that involves so that you can waste less time trying to “make people fit” who probably were never really supposed to begin with (at least not intimately). You ready?
What Exactly IS Your Purpose?
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A hill that I am forever willing to die on is the fact that the reason why a lot of people find themselves getting involved in fruitless relationships and/or wasting their time (check out “These Bad Habits Are Totally Wasting Your Time” and “Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?”) on various people, places, things, and ideas is because they aren’t clear on what their purpose is. Because listen, I can tell you from very up close and personal experience that once you’re aware of what your purpose is in this life, there is a fire that develops within you that makes you very intentional — violent even — about pursuing who and what will help you to fulfill your purpose as you release who and what is standing in the way of making that happen.
So, why do so many people seem to do the very opposite of what I just said — why do they hold onto who and what is hindering their purpose development which causes them to not focus on who and what will help them to thrive? For many, it’s because they have no clue what their purpose actually is in the first place.
So yeah, let’s start there. Something that I tell people often is, a great sign that you know what your purpose is, is if you can explain it or define it in no more than three words or phrases. Take me, for example. Whenever folks ask me what my purpose is, I say, right off the rip — marriage, sex, and the Sabbath (the actual biblical one). What they all have in common is they are biblical covenant principles and most of my life centers around shedding light on those areas in ways that many people never stop to consider.
It's a long story, how I got to this place. What I will tell you is some of the confirmations include the fact that opportunities abound for me in those areas, I have a lot of peace whenever I’m functioning from those spaces and my needs have always been met when I focus on those three topics. And yes, those are some telling signs that you are indeed operating in your purpose.
And what if you’re still out here struggling to figure out just what you were created to do? Although that’s kind of an article all on its own, I will offer up a few tips.
Do some meditating every morning. The reason why a lot of people have a hard time figuring out their purpose is, is because their mind is constantly distracted. Getting quiet enough to present the question, “What is my purpose?” while being still enough to hear what comes to your spirit/soul is a viable practice. Ten minutes a day should start to shed some light after a couple of weeks or so (if you consistently do it, that is).
Ponder your passions, gifts and talents. Even before I was making money from my purpose, I could talk about marriage, sex, and the Sabbath all day long and never get tired. When I paired that with the fact that I have a gift of writing and then I tapped into my spiritual gifts (if you’ve never taken a spiritual gifts test before, you can here) which include things like wisdom, discernment, knowledge, and giving — it all made sense. Far too often, our gifts and talents aren’t our purposes; they are tools to help us manifest our purpose. Keeping that in mind, think about where your passion lies and if you are using your own gifts and talents to catapult it.
Far too often, our gifts and talents aren’t our purposes; they are tools to help us manifest our purpose.
Jot down how your purpose would serve others. Even a lot of celebrities are not in their purpose. How do I know? Well, one definition of entertainment is “to distract” (no joke) and if folks are out here only doing what benefits them and/or they’re doing what makes the world worse instead of better, they are not operating in their purpose. So yeah, think about what too. As you’re trying to figure out what your purpose is, what about your passion can help others in a very needed, profound, and even somewhat unique kind of way?
Ask yourself what you would put before all else. I’ll get into this point, as it relates to my personal journey, in a sec. For now, I’ll say that when I was writing my first book, I had family members who refused to speak to me for months (how selfish). I was younger at the time and had not mastered how to release toxic people from my space (even if they are in my bloodline), so it was a bit uncomfortable at first to tune out the toxicity and narcissism and finish the task at hand. Oh, but I did.
That said, one definition of sacrifice is “a surrender of something of value as a means of gaining something more desirable or of preventing some evil.” When you’re willing to make great sacrifices, come what may, for the sake of something, that’s a good sign that it’s either your purpose or directly tied to it.
Figure out what brings you joy. Did you see how I said JOY, not happiness? Let me tell it, folks are out here making all kinds of self-centered and/or reckless and/or impulsive decisions because they worship the god of happiness — a fleeting emotion that tends to go as quickly as it comes. Joy is a bit different, though. Although it does bring pleasure, it also creates satisfaction. People with joy feel a sense of contentment not momentary elation. Whatever in your life does that for you, your purpose is probably not too far away from it.
Like I said, finding one’s purpose has articles, blogs, and books for days available (the late and great Dr. Myles Munroe was an awesome voice on the topic). Hopefully, these five points can help to at least initiate the quest, though.
What You Owe Your Purpose
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What do you owe your purpose? In short, EVERYTHING. How could you not when, again, one definition of the word is “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” If you are not doing what you were made to do, not only is that the greatest slap in the face to your Creator, it’s the greatest form of disrespect to oneself as well.
That is why I am very…“aggressive” is probably the most accurate word when it comes to making sure that folks get with the kind of life partner who they not only “love” but will serve as an awesome purpose complement (check out “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life”) for them. Because what sense does it make to join your life to someone who will make the entire reason for why you were put on this planet complicated at best, totally stress-filled at worst?
Case in point. There’s a man I know who was once a sound engineer. While he was dating his wife, she was fine with it. Once they got married, though, because she had kids from another relationship, she felt that he should make more money to take care of her “package deal.” He went into computers, made more money — and totally started hating his life. Because of that, it made him miserable which made him not as fun to be around which put another kind of pressure on the marriage and ultimately the family as a whole. They’re divorced now and he has told me that one thing he will never do again is put a relationship before his purpose. Good. He shouldn’t. No one should.
And here’s the thing — the right people will never expect you to. It won’t even cross their mind. How do I know? I’m actually thrilled to say that about 90 percent of my world is full of purpose-driven individuals. They are focused. They are intentional. They are extremely careful with their time and resources. And that requires that I make adjustments so that they can remain that way. This means that they must also do the same things for me.
We all know that if we don’t honor our purpose, we’re selling ourselves short and so, it’s one thing that is a non-negotiable. That’s how purpose-minded people roll. Period.
How the Right People Will Fit into Your Purpose. How the Wrong Ones…Won’t.
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I’ve got a girlfriend right now who is going through a divorce. One of the main things that caused so much brokenness in her marital dynamic is her husband doesn’t respect her purpose. He complains about it. He competes with it. He finds ways to make the sacrifices that are required for her to fulfill her purpose a guilt trip that is hard for her to shrug off because he presents them as little “love tests” (ugh).
So, why did she marry him? Well, initially, she was on a bit of a hiatus from her purpose which caused him to see it as more like a hobby than anything else. Now that she’s in a resurgence of it, he puts up more roadblocks (like trying to make her feel bad when she has to travel when they have kids) than anything else. He’s not an advocate or ally when it comes to her purpose — whether he realizes it or not, he’s actually a direct enemy of it. Yes, some people are indeed “sleeping with the enemy” (whether it's figuratively or literally) and it’s all because they didn’t choose someone who would “fit their purpose” — and that is why topics like this one need to be discussed more often. Far more often.
In the hopes that you can avoid some of the pain and disappointment that she’s going through, whether it’s with a life partner, a friend, or a relative, let’s hit on 7 signs that someone does indeed fit your purpose:
- They will be cheerleaders of your goals and accomplishments
- They will seek ways to make purpose manifestation easier for/on you
- They will understand that sometimes they will have to make sacrifices within the relationship so that you can fulfill your purpose
- They will get that they don’t always have to “get it” when it comes to certain things that you need to do when it comes to your purpose
- They will have connections, talents, and resources that oftentimes can help you to go further within your purpose (and they won’t withhold them and weaponize them)
- They will be encouragers in the moments when even you are struggling in manifesting your purpose
- They will be flexible in adjusting to your growth and setbacks when it comes to you fulfilling your purpose
With all of this in tow, now let’s look at 10 clear indications that someone DOES NOT fit your purpose:
- They are vessels of drama and stress which ultimately distract you from your purpose
- They are only supportive when they can find a way to benefit from your purpose
- They might send off vibes of jealousy and/or envy about you and/or your purpose (check out “5 Signs Your Closest Friends Are The Most Envious Of You”)
- They may act like you have to justify or defend YOUR PURPOSE to them (check out “What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?”)
- They might find ways to “punish you” for either fulfilling your purpose or not approaching it in the way that they would and/or they agree with (whew, chile)
- Since another definition of purpose is “a desired aim or goal,” they always seem to make it more difficult for you to accomplish what needs to be done as it directly relates to your purpose
- Whether directly or indirectly, they will have no problem draining you of the resources that you need in order to fulfill your purpose (keep this in mind when it comes to selecting a spouse; a true partner will not break you just for their comfort and convenience…wife or husband)
- They don’t respect the boundaries — including the ones that are connected to your time — as it relates to achieving your purpose
- They will constantly make you feel like you have to prove something when it comes to your purpose
- THEY DON’T RESPECT OR FULLY ACCEPT YOUR PURPOSE (and yes, I am yelling it!)
When you’re not purpose-driven, things like this may be annoying but not necessarily unbearable. Oh, but when you are committed to fulfilling your purpose in life — folks who fit into Category B, they’ve gotta go. The time that you’re spending (or is it wasting?) trying to get them to respect you and your purpose is the time that you could be spending cultivating your purpose…and I’m here to tell you that the second option is always going to be the wiser choice. ALWAYS.
Why It’s Okay to Release Those Who Don’t Complement Your Purpose
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I honestly can’t believe that it’s been almost five years since I penned the piece, “Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead” for the site — and boy, when I tell you that it’s a life motto that has brought me some joy unspeakable? Listen. Here.
If you want the CliffsNotes from the article, it’s basically talking about the fact that for many years now, I no longer choose to not send myself through the violent ritual of cutting people off. The reason why I say “violent” is because cutting anything sounds that way and when you cut folks off, that’s often rooted in some kind of pain that makes people feel empowered to think that they are hurting others by literally cutting them out of your life. Instead, I now release — I move out of the way and allow the universe to do whatever needs to be done…with them and with the relationship, in part so that I can put my focus on myself and why I was put on this earth.
Because here’s the thing, y’all — whenever I hear the Chinese Proverb, “It’s later than you think,” it sends chills down my spine because it’s the absolute truth. And how sad would it be for me to be out here pining over, worrying about, trying to convince someone either about what my purpose is or why I need them to support it when I could, instead, be out here actually LIVING it? Not only living it but clearing the path for the right individuals, folks who will be more than willing, to help me fulfill my purpose in a peaceful, constant, and nurturing kind of way.
This here was a lot. Trust me, I know. Yet this is an important life lesson — please don’t waste, not one more day, avoiding it. Relationships are important yet NO RELATIONSHIP is worth putting before manifesting your purpose.
Whoever does, salute them.
Whoever doesn’t, release them, even if that means shifting your boundaries.
It will be one of the best decisions you’ll ever make.
Purpose-driven ones ALWAYS are, sis. #standingfirm
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- Letting Go Of Perfection Helped Me Live My Purpose ›
- 5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose ›
- 4 Millennials On How They Found Success Through Purpose ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
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Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
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Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
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