To this day, folks will debate that one of my favorite songs by the R&B group SWV, “Rain” is about sex even though Coko has made it clear that it’s not. Now another one of their classics, “Downtown”? That’s about the matter entirely. In fact, some hail it as being one of the most sex-positive songs of its time when it comes to — we’re all grown here, right? — cunnilingus. Its praise makes a lot of sense being that it is the act that helps women climax the most.
You know, I did some reading up on oral sex in this country, in general. It looks like around 80 percent of both men and women experience pleasure from it, around 22 percent have an orgasm most of the time (that’s it?!) and most sexually active folks who choose to partake in fellatio and/or cunnilingus do it around five times a week. Yeah, oral sex is bomb and most of us know it.
'What If I Don't Like Oral Sex?'
So, what if you happen to be like a married girlfriend of mine who could literally take it or leave it? It’s not that you haven’t tried to understand the hype; it’s just that, no matter how much you’ve tried to get into it, you just…don’t.
If you’re shaking your head up and down at your monitor or phone screen because this is exactly how you feel, oftentimes getting to the root of an issue can help to resolve it. So, let’s explore some reasons why either you’d prefer not to have oral sex or you’re not enjoying as much as so much of the free world seems to be.
You’re Not Comfortable with Your Vulva/Vagina
GiphyI recently saw an exchange on Twitter that was like the checkmate shot that was heard around the world. Someone had posted a clip of a woman talking about how disgusting she found uncircumcised men to be. One of the things she said was, “Eww. Who wants to deal with all of that extra skin?” Most of the women in the comments were all agreeing and then a guy posted a chart of different vaginas — many of which had all kinds of hanging vulvar skin (where do y’all think the slang “roast beef curtains” comes from?). Like I said…checkmate (by the way, women have a greater chance of experiencing a vaginal orgasm from an “uncut” man due to the extra skin…the more you know).
Anyway, my (main) point is this — no one should feel ashamed of how they were born…men and you included. Besides, I promise you that most men don’t have the same kind of hang-ups about our bodies as we do. In fact, many guys will tell you that they’re even a fan of Arby’s (if you know what I mean).
So, what can you do if you are so self-conscious about your vagina that it’s keeping you from relaxing during oral activity? A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey.” Check it out when you get a chance. The more time you spend exploring your own vagina, the more comfortable you will get with it — and that will make it easier to share it with your partner. Maybe not immediately but certainly eventually.
You Haven’t “Prepped” Your Vagina Properly
Seems like a few throwback memories are coming to mind with this topic (LOL). Y’all remember the episode of The Game when Tasha Mack was telling her then-boyfriend Danté Young (played by Terrence J) that she enjoyed having sex with him right when he got off work and before he hopped into the shower? Yeah, that’s a hard pass for me. If you want me to enjoy all (and I do mean ALL) of you, make sure that bathtub does first.
Most of the men I know feel the same way; however, this particular point isn’t just about hygiene (check out “Are You Washing Your Vagina Correctly? You Sure?” and “Love On Yourself With These 7 All-Natural DIY Vaginal Washes”). Vaginal prepping also includes deciding how you want your pubic hair to be (also check out “Yep. Pubic Hair Has Trends (And Specific Needs) Too.”) and consuming a diet that keeps everything fresh down below (a couple more: “Foods That Keep Your Vagina Smelling Right (And The Ones That Don’t)” and “10 Ways To Have An 'Extra Sweet' Vagina”).
By the way, when it comes to vaginal grooming, if you’re in a long-term relationship, you might want to discuss that with your partner. The reason why I say that is I once counseled a married couple where the husband said that he didn’t enjoy being on the giving side of oral because — and I quote — “I prefer a golf course to a jungle.”
Listen, I know some of you modern-day women don’t wanna think too long about doing what makes your partner happy when it comes to your own body but being that his face is gonna get closer to your vulva and vagina than you ever will (unless you’re one hell of a contortionist!), it’s worth making the compromise. Just ask the wife in the story that I just told you. #wink
The Foreplay Sucks (Not in a Good Way Either)
GiphyAs far as oral sex is concerned, it’s interesting to see where people land on whether they consider it to be foreplay — or not. On one hand, a basic definition of foreplay is it’s any kind of sexual stimulation that is a prelude to sexual intercourse. On another, oral sex does have the word “sex” in it, so…yeah…technically, it is a form of sex.
Personally, I think that before oral sex — giving or receiving — starts, there should be some other forms of stimulation going on: lots of kissing, plenty of caressing, maybe a massage…other things to get you warmed up. Otherwise, if oral sex happens right out the gate, it can seem awkward instead of seductive and that can make climaxing more difficult.
So, what if the main issue for you is the foreplay is lacking or not as good as you’d like it to be? At the end of the day, sex is one of the ultimate forms of communication, so make sure to run that by your partner. Well, wait — before you do, read “What If The Sex Is Good...But The Foreplay Isn't?” and also do some sex journaling so that you can figure out what turns you on and what doesn’t…so that you can clearly express your needs and expectations to your partner. After all, it’s not fair to expect him to figure out what you don’t even know. Work on improving foreplay — together.
You Need to Up Your Dirty Talk Game
Maybe it’s because my top love language is words of affirmation. Maybe it’s because I write for a living. Who knows, chile? But when it comes to dirty talk, it’s not really something that I’ve struggled with saying or hearing. In fact, it’s one of my favorite things about sex.
I know we’re not all the same because many of my clients have told me that either they hate dirty talk or they feel semi-ridiculous doing it. I can’t do much for the people who stand behind Door #1 but if you’re someone who’s behind Door #2, my two cents would be to 1) stop overthinking it and 2) focus on telling your partner what pleases you, how much it pleases you when they do “it” and what you’d like to receive more of. The key is to not sound like an anxious drill sergeant and instead like…the main character (Lovely) from the movie Girl 6 (the real ones know).
Yes, dirty talk can consist of a mixture of instructions and affirmations. The good thing about that is, oftentimes, it can help your partner to know how to please you and it can sexually excite you to hear your own self tell him how. Trust me.
You Don’t Enjoy Giving Oral Sex
Unpopular opinion or not, I’ve always said that I think that men have more to deal with during cunnilingus than we do with fellatio. I mean, unless he’s heavy on the pre-ejaculate, giving oral sex to a guy is basically like sucking on a thumb until the “big moment” at the end. Us though? Folds of skin. Lubrication. Pubic hair. Vaginal scents (when a vagina is healthy, most men fully enjoy our natural “aroma,” by the way). As I said…lots going on.
That’s why, when women give me the “eww” about a penis being in their mouth while also holding the stance that a man not going down on them is a deal-breaker, I find myself rolling my eyes. At the very least, that’s an entitled and selfish approach to the act.
So, what can you do if it’s simply not your cup of tea? Before totally avoiding it, try doing some things that will “distract” you a bit — put a flavored condom on it or apply some flavored lube. Play around with an ice cube that’s made of juice (literally freeze the juice and then put one of the cubes into your mouth). Bring your hands into the act, so that you can control how much of his shaft goes into your mouth. Oh, and before all of this, get into the shower with your partner. Chances are, if you play a direct role in the cleanliness part of the program, it will put your mind more at ease.
You Don’t Enjoy Receiving Oral Sex
The wife that I mentioned to you earlier? She said that out of all of her sex partners (including her husband and it hasn’t only been a handful), only one guy was able to get cunnilingus right. Problem is, she can’t remember what he actually did “correctly,” so she hasn’t been able to coach anyone else through the process. *le sigh*
It’s not unheard of that some people don’t enjoy cunnilingus and/or fellatio. If you and your partner fall into one of those categories and are fine with that…fine. But if you don’t enjoy receiving oral sex and it’s not for a lack of trying, this is where communication comes into play. Don’t just settle for how your partner does it, get frustrated and quit. If he truly cares about you, he’s going to want to please you. So, light some scented soy candles, play some of your favorite throwback R&B music, put a pillow underneath your backside, and RELAX. Start things off slow. Kindly express what feels good and what doesn’t and don’t look at the experience like a race to the finish.
Also, don’t feel bad if you’re not automatically climbing the walls either. Although clitorises are highly sensitive, “waking them up” requires different techniques for different people. Something that may help (outside of his mouth) is a stimulating type of lube — one that is specifically designed to get your clit up and going (like this one here).
You know what they say — if you build it, they will come. In this case, here’s hoping that you will, sis.
You and Your Partner Don’t Have a Strong Enough Connection
GiphyThere’s a lot to be said for sexual chemistry when it comes to achieving ultimate sexual pleasure — and that can happen well before you and someone get naked. You’re deeply attracted to each other. The body language is strong. When you do talk about sex, you seem to be on the same page (of interests and desires). If you add to that the feeling of being fully accepted and to that, being able to trust them to just…let go without any hindrance or reservations — that is the perfect foundation for some pretty great oral sex and intercourse.
See, even with all that I just said, it’s not really going to matter much if the two of you don’t have a strong connection — whether it’s physically or (preferably) holistically. So, if all of what I said doesn’t seem to work, take some steps back, so that you and he can get deeper into each other. Go on more dates. Do some more sharing with each other on a mental and emotional level. Kiss — long and passionately — to see if there is some serious stimulation there.
Two people who feel like they can’t get enough of each other before sex happens are two people who have a far greater chance of helping each other “see the mountaintop” once sex does go down. Oral sex included.
Now calm down and have some fun! I mean it.
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Featured image by Vladimir Vladimirov/Getty Images
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff