This article is in partnership with Hallmark Channel's Countdown to Christmas.
Bells are ringing and chestnuts are roasting, signaling to the world that it's that time of year again. And though the way we approach the holidays looks a little different this year, it doesn't change the fact that Christmas is a time to highlight the love in our lives: our family, our friends, and our significant others. 2020 in particular has meant finding the silver linings in all areas of life, and that includes the way we approach our wedding planning.
While the pandemic could have very well prevented engaged couples from jumping the broom and saying "I do" for another year, a beautiful pivot has occurred where couples are opting for intimate weddings over larger ceremonies. Such an action has emphasized the importance of the when and where of getting married over the who and how. Love is truly all you need in life's grander scheme.
The when and where of wedding planning is touched on in Hallmark Channel's latest holiday movie, premiering this Saturday (December 5 at 8pm/7c), Christmas in Evergreen: Bells Are Ringing. A part of Hallmark Channel's Countdown to Christmas, this film stars Holly Robinson Peete and Rukiya Bernard and centers around Michelle (played by Peete) and Hannah (played by Bernard). Michelle's wedding is on the horizon, while Hannah is preparing the Evergreen museum for its launch. Amid the excitement and the chaos of the two auspicious events, Hannah finds herself questioning if the love she has for Elliot (played by Antonio Cayonne) can withstand a new challenge.
'Tis the season and in celebration of the film and the theme of love conquers all, even amid wedding planning, we spoke to real-life couples about their wedding planning pivot, why they chose the spaces they wed in, and the way the holiday has changed and not changed in 2020.
Cynthia “Onye” Onyejiji & Lawrence Edem
Courtesy of Cynthia "Onye" Onyejiji
When They Said "I Do":
September 19, 2020
Where They Said "I Do":
"All my life, I dreamed of having this over the top, Disney-love-story type wedding. I had a Pinterest board full of all my dress ideas. I had my Spotify playlist locked and loaded. I was ready! Then the pandemic happened and momentarily shattered my dream!
"However, Lawrence and I quickly pivoted. We decided to have a 40-guest count wedding, instead of a 500-guest count. And we celebrated our love in the backyard of my childhood home. The home where I spent all those nights dreaming of my over the top, Disney-love story type of wedding! It didn't all unfold exactly how we planned, but I sure did still feel like Cinderella (the Brandy version)!"
Why They Decided To Pivot Their Wedding Plans:
"Lawrence and I are all about saving our coins, mmkay! So when we had to decide between a small wedding now or a big wedding later, it was a no-brainer. Not only were we able to save a lot of money by having an intimate wedding, but we were also able to begin our married lives together pretty quickly. I planned our wedding in just two months and it turned out to be everything I never knew I needed."
Courtesy of Cynthia "Onye" Onyejiji
"Not only were we able to save a lot of money by having an intimate wedding, but we were also able to begin our married lives together pretty quickly. I planned our wedding in just two months and it turned out to be everything I never knew I needed."
The Benefits Of Having An Intimate Wedding:
"Before the pandemic hit, we were spending a lot of time, money and energy on planning this big wedding. It was extremely stressful. Once we decided to go with a smaller wedding, it allowed us to focus more on what really mattered to us. And what mattered to us was saying 'I do' and starting the rest of our lives together."
Their Favorite Holiday Traditions:
"This year, Lawrence and I are looking forward to celebrating our very Christmas together as a married couple. Usually, for the holidays, we'd exchange gifts and spend time with all of our family. However, due to the pandemic, we won't be able to celebrate with our family, so we're looking forward to starting our very own traditions and hopefully one day sharing them with our children."
Their Biggest Love Lesson Of 2020:
"The one thing that the pandemic will never be able to cancel is love. Our story is proof of that!"
For more of Onye, follow her on Instagram @piecesofonye and on YouTube.
Cara Thibodeaux & Harley West
Courtesy of Cara Thibodeaux
When They Said "I Do":
November 22, 2020
Where They Said "I Do":
"We were married at Chapel Dulcinea in the Texas Hill Country of Austin. We decided to elope after learning that the venue was totally free!"
Why They Decided To Pivot Their Wedding Plans:
"At the beginning of 2020, we planned our wedding for 2021 in Hawaii to bring our family and friends back to the island of Oahu where we got engaged. Unfortunately, there have been many restrictions in regards to traveling to Hawaii from the mainland so we decided to push our wedding back to 2022 to allow more of our friends and family to come to our wedding. We got the crazy idea over the summer after we decided to push our wedding back to have a small elopement ceremony with our immediate family."
The Benefits Of Having An Intimate Wedding:
"We kept the decorations minimal, the guest list was our immediate family, and we broke tradition by helping each other get ready with each other the day of our ceremony. We feel that an elopement ceremony allowed us to focus on each other more than the event itself and we are so glad we did!"
Their Favorite Holiday Traditions:
"Every Christmas we make vegan sugar cookies together and it's always so much fun to bake together. We also buy matching Christmas pyjamas to wear on Christmas Eve. Now that we are husband and wife, I don't think those traditions will change but we are excited to hopefully have a little one soon to enjoy the festivities with!"
The Biggest Love Lesson Of 2020:
"Being at home with your significant other almost 24/7 really shows you if you are fit to be married. We've become even closer during these crazy times of 2020, had more meaningful conversations, and without the influence of other friends and family around us all the time, we've been able to define how we want our marriage to look like, what kind of parents we want to be, and what type of life we want to live."
For more of Cara, follow her on Instagram @greatfullgirl.
Anika Joseph-Henry & Marvin Henry
Courtesy of The Henrys, #HenryThingIsPossible
Photo Credit: Kevin Warren
When They Said "I Do":
October 23, 2020; "The three-year anniversary of our first date."
Where They Said "I Do":
"Fortunately for us, our plans remained the same from our August 28th engagement to the October 23rd wedding. Our ideal location was Central Park, since this was the same location where we had our first date on the same exact date (October 23, 2017). Recreating the intimacy of our first date on our anniversary couldn't have been any more beautiful. We would also say that COVID made it easier for us to break the news of an intimate wedding to our guest."
Why They Decided To Pivot Their Wedding Plans:
"Having an intimate wedding was always the plan. From early on in our relationship, everything we did was intentional. Marriage was already a plan, but having a big wedding wasn't ever something that we wanted to do. We knew it was time, and once engaged, we saw it fit to marry right away."
Courtesy of The Henrys, #HenryThingIsPossible
Photo Credit: Kevin Warren
The Benefits Of Having An Intimate Wedding:
"Marriage was always a goal. We moved as a unit in just about everything we do and knowing that we didn't want to have a huge wedding made planning an intimate ceremony even easier during COVID. Additionally, our joint decision to have an intimate wedding came from the very idea of 'not wanting to put more thought into a wedding than the MARRIAGE.' Plus, larger weddings do not necessarily translate to a perfect marriage, okurr!"
Their Favorite Holiday Traditions:
"The holiday season have always been about family for us. Since our shared love language is quality time, we take advantage of any time-off opportunities to have dedicated family time. As a tradition, we both enjoy having at-home gatherings and entertaining family and friends. 2020 will limit our plans of having folks over, but it's a tradition we started when we met and will continue."
Their Biggest Love Lesson Of 2020:
"Love is something that is imperfect. But you must work at it and being intentional with the ones you love is so important. We're living through times that none of us have experienced in this lifetime. This is the time to make sure you keep your loved ones close and be sure that they know it."
For more of The Henrys, follow Anika on Instagram @madam_anni and Marvin @dimeana_rips.
Kendall Keith & Rob Newell
Courtesy of Kendall Keith and Rob Newell
Photo Credit: Gin and Sake, shot at the Cosmopolitan Hotel of Las Vegas
When They Said "I Do":
November 20, 2020
Where They Said "I Do":
"Originally, we had plans to be married soon-ish (like in a few years) in Hawaii (ideally). Our actual plan this year was just to have a big engagement earlier back in July on our 10-year anniversary, but because of COVID, we had to use those savings (that was for my engagement ring) so we could survive the first few months being in financial uncertainty while adjusting to the changes of the pandemic.
"Because of this, our ideal engagement and marriage plans went on hold indefinitely, which made me rethink over time what it means for us to get married. I then decided to forego the engagement all together and tie the knot, just the two of us. No one else there. Because we can't travel, we figured the best alternative to a 'destination elopement' was to run (drive) off to Vegas!"
Why They Decided To Pivot Their Wedding Plans:
"We've always been a little unconventional and had teetered with the idea of having some sort of small wedding or destination elopement, and while we never had any concrete wedding plans prior (other than we planned to marry someday), COVID just somehow solidified what marriage means for each for us, as opposed to getting caught up with the idealization of a perfect wedding/elopement."
Their Favorite Holiday Traditions:
"You know, we've been living together for nine years, and funnily enough, we don't have big holiday traditions! The closest we have to a tradition is watching Die Hard on Christmas Day every year (this started as a direct rebuttal to my husband's family's yearly ritual of having A Christmas Story on 24/7 on Christmas day, haha). As to how it will evolve as a married couple and the times we're now in, I think any traditions we take on will just have that much more meaning in appreciating the people we have in our lives and spending time with them, whenever we are allowed to again."
Their Biggest Love Lesson Of 2020:
"The biggest takeaway I've learned is that at the end of the day, when we all leave this world behind, is that all we have is the people we know and love and how we treat them. Our family and friends. And the times we get to spend with them are precious, because this year has taken a lot of that away for most of us."
For more of The Newells, follow Kendall on Instagram @kendall.keith and Rob @robbien38.
Nakia & Andrew Means
Courtesy of Nakia and Andrew Means
Photo Credit: Kendal Lanier/Champagne Love Stories
When They Said "I Do":
2020
Where They Said "I Do":
"In my parents' living room [in] Atlanta, GA. Our original venue was the Biltmore Ballrooms. It was the first and only venue we visited. We were in love with the classic look! The ceilings reminded me of the Louvre museum in Paris, France. Although we did not get to get married there, my parents went above and beyond to transform our home. They assembled a floral arch, floating candles and a draped backdrop. They have huge windows in their living room which made for beautiful lighting in the pictures. Many people who saw our pictures thought we got married in a cathedral!"
Why They Decided To Pivot Their Wedding Plans:
"We both realize this is a very sensitive decision for each couple, and it will look different from ours for many. While we were looking forward to the big celebration with our family and friends, we just could not wait to start our lives together. There was a little uncertainty about moving forward without all of our friends and family present. However, the longer we are married, the more confirmation we receive that we made the right decision. I cannot imagine 2020 without getting to marry my best friend!"
Courtesy of Nakia and Andrew Means
Photo Credit: Catherine Cansler Photography
"More than having a wedding, we really wanted to start our lives together. The joy we have experienced living life together as husband and wife far outweighs the sting of changing our original plans."
The Benefits Of Having An Intimate Wedding:
"More than having a wedding, we really wanted to start our lives together. The joy we have experienced living life together as husband and wife far outweighs the sting of changing our original plans. We had to condense our wedding guest list down from 200 guests to 10. Needless to say, only our parents and siblings were present. Many of our guests were disappointed, but everyone understood. We opted not to broadcast the wedding via Zoom or any other platform to preserve the intimacy of the ceremony."
Their Favorite Holiday Traditions:
"We love visiting the Botanical Gardens in Atlanta, GA to see their Christmas lights display. I also love watching Christmas movies. Drew typically just plays along, as he would rather watch re-runs of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air! The wonderful thing about Christmas this year is the fact that we get to experience it in our home, together! We have our tree decorated and we've also taken some Christmas pictures to send out our first Christmas card to friends and family. Drew insists this is a sign we are getting old!
"As we navigate COVID-19 during this holiday season, the main change in our plans will be around visiting extended family. We plan to reserve that for another time. With immediate family, we plan accordingly to get tested prior to holidays for everyone's safety. It just gives us peace of mind before going into their homes. Our parents appreciate it too!"
Their Biggest Love Lesson Of 2020:
"I think our lesson can be summed up with one of our favorite songs - 'Can You Stand the Rain' by New Edition! The male group sings, 'Sunny days, everybody loves them. But tell me baby, can you stand the rain?' When the cute Instagram posts are done and the honeymoon is over, what matters is our ability to work together as a team when challenges come. The way we navigated the change in plans, challenges with vendors, financial decisions and other stresses from COVID-19 validated that we are built to withstand tough times together."
For more of The Means, follow Nakia on Instagram @kiatastic and Andrew @by_any__means. You can also subscribe to their YouTube Channel, This Means Love.
Don't forget to watch the premiere of Christmas in Evergreen: Bells Are Ringing on Hallmark Channel this Saturday 12/5 at 8pm/7c!
Featured image courtesy of Cynthia "Onye" Onyejiji
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A big part of the clarity that is coming through this month is due to Neptune going direct in Pisces on December 10, after being retrograde here since July. With Neptune now direct, we are able to see our inspiration and creativity a little more clearly, providing the perfect energy for dreams and manifestation to be built upon. The smoke is clearing, and it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with this newfound clarity that this transit is bringing. Mercury also moves back into Sagittarius on December 11, which is great for communication and clarity, and the adventures you were trying to see through at the beginning of November come around for you again with greater purpose and support.
On December 15, Mars enters Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and this is the extra push we need to make important changes and to be on the path towards greater abundance, stability, and prosperity. Mars in Capricorn takes care of business, and we have extra energy at our disposal during this time to do so. This transit is an ideal time to focus on your career or financial goals for next year and to start putting some of these plans into motion now. A few days later, we have the New Moon of the month, which will be in Sagittarius on December 19, and this is the perfect New Moon to manifest.
The energy is high, magic is in the air, and it’s all about moving forward with the new beginnings that are inspiring you and bringing you joy to think about right now.
Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21, and this earth sign energy is how we heal, gain closure, and build new foundations in our world. With Venus also moving into a Capricorn a few days later, there is something about peace, prosperity, and security that we are gaining in life and in love as we close out the year, and this is what we need right now. This month is about reflecting on what was, letting go of old hurt, and renewing. December is an ending and a new beginning in one, and there is magic in this space to be created.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December 2025 has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is a full-circle moment for you, Aries. You are seeing the gifts in your world and have a lot of gratitude for the way things have come about for you as of late. There are culminations in your world that are providing you with more abundance, stability, and community, and you are exactly where you are meant to be this month. With the Sun in a fellow fire sign and in your 9th house of travel for most of the month, December is a good time to get out of your comfort zone, explore the world around you, and get your body moving.
Mars, your ruling planet, also makes a change and moves into Capricorn on December 15, which will fuel your inspiration and power in your career space. You are making a lot of professional progress as we close out the year; however, make sure to be more mindful of your competitive drive right now. The New Moon on December 19 is the perfect opportunity for you to create some new plans and goals when it comes to traveling, education, and where you want to gain some new inspiration in your world. Overall, this is a month of things coming together for you serendipitously.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is about trusting your intuition, Taurus. You have a lot on your mind this month, and it’s best to delegate, communicate, and allow yourself some relief by opening up to someone and not feeling like you have to hold everything in. As we begin the month, we have a Supermoon in Gemini happening in your house of income, and the plans and projects you have been building here come to fruition for you now. This is the time to gain clarity on your financial world and to take a look at what spending habits you want to let go of here as well.
With Venus in your 8th house of shared resources for most of the month, you are doing a cleanse on your commitments, partnerships, and business ventures. You are taking a look at what you want to dedicate yourself to in the future, and what commitments you may need to let go of now in order to be in the space you truly want to be, both financially and within some of your relationship dynamics. Before we end the month, we have a New Moon in this same area of your chart, and it’s time to look at the opportunities that are presenting themselves and to trust your internal guidance system to lead you forward.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
You are moving forward fearlessly this month, Gemini. December is your month of love, passion, and dignity, and you are owning the light that you shine. We begin the month with the last Supermoon of the year, happening in your sign, and you are stepping up to the plate. You are showing up, owning how much you have grown this year, and allowing yourself to heal while also acknowledging that you have done your best and you deserve to have fun in the midst of the changes you are creating.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is officially out of retrograde, and you can use this energy to the fullest potential now. With Mercury in your 7th house of love, it’s time to speak from the heart and to talk about the things that matter and that are inspiring you right now to your loved ones. You never know what kind of epiphanies you may have when you open up the conversation to others. Before the month ends, you have a New Moon in this same love area of your chart, and this New Moon is all about manifesting romance, commitment, and abundance in your world.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is an opening for more love, more joy, and more freedom in your life, Cancer. You have come to a place where you hold so much gratitude in your heart for where you are today and where your heart is shining, and things come together for you with more ease right now. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines for most of the month, you are getting your ducks in a row while also putting more energy and effort into taking care of yourself, your priorities, and your well-being. This month surprises you in many ways, and it’s because you are showing up.
Mars and Venus both move into your house of love, relationships, marriage, and abundance this month, and you are making strides in your love life. You have both of these opposing forces on your side and are being recognized for the love you are while also receiving the love you want. This month, overall, is about focusing more on the positives in your world and letting your heart have its joy. Before December comes to an end, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius, and this is the perfect opportunity to create the plans you want to see through next year, especially when it comes to your work life, colleagues, business ventures, and health.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
The scales of karma are balancing, and they are balancing in your favor this month, Leo. December is your month of truth, and of seeing it clearly in your world. The Sun is in your house of romance, pleasure, and happiness for most of the month, and it’s time to relax, be in the present moment, and allow what is meant to be, to be. With a Supermoon in your 11th house of manifestation as December begins, this is a powerful month for seeing your dreams come to fruition, and for feeling like the intentions you have set this year are finally here for you now.
Mars also moves into your 6th house mid-month, and this is the perfect energy to have to move into the new year. You have extra energy at your disposal right now and are feeling fearless with what is possible for you and your daily routine. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in a fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, and this is a breakthrough moment for you and your heart. December, overall, wants to show you how loved and supported you are and will be doing so in magical, unexpected, and concrete ways.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a month of victory, Virgo. You are showing up and experiencing some new successes in your world that move you forward on your path in life. With a Supermoon in your 10th house of career as we begin the month, the effort and intentions you have made this year come into full bloom, and you are being recognized for who you are and the good work you have done. This month is all about showing up and allowing yourself to be seen and loved, knowing that you deserve the support and opportunities you are receiving.
Mars moves into Capricorn on December 15, which brings the passion and excitement into your love life, hobbies, and little pleasures in life that light you up. You want to have fun this month and are going to be walking into the new year with this fearless, happy, and spontaneous energy within you. Before the month ends, Venus also enters Capricorn, and in this same area of your chart, you have a lot to look forward to and believe in right now. Overall, December wants you to be happy and will be doing everything possible to make that happen for you. This is your month to shine, Virgo.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is a month of opportunity for you, Libra. New doors open, and you are financially making breakthroughs this month because of it. December begins with a Supermoon in your 9th house, and you are getting a clearer view of where you have been making strides in your life and how it has all brought you here to this present moment of freedom. This month is showing you what happens when you are fearless with your purpose and when you believe in yourself and what you are worthy of.
Moving further into December, Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family mid-month, and you are closing out the year in your safe spaces. You are spending more time with your loved ones and taking the time to quiet your mind and listen to what your heart has been telling you. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, happening in an area of your life that deals with communication. This is a great time for getting the answers you have been looking for and for feeling more clear-headed and confident about the decisions you are making as you move into the new year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
Patience is a virtue this month, Scorpio. December is all about remaining patient and vigilant with what you are creating in your world, and knowing that the universe has your back. It’s time to be reminded of the power of hope, and this month is an opening to greater clarity in your life. There is a lot of energy in your financial zones right now, and this is providing you with new opportunities and new insight; however, the speed at which things come about for you may feel daunting. Keep your head up and eyes focused on what you want and know that you are more than worthy of receiving it.
With Mercury in your 2nd house of income this month, December is a good time to plant new seeds and to think about where you want to be financially a month from now or even a year. This month is asking you to think bigger and to think more long-term so that you can set the appropriate plans into motion now. We also have a New Moon in your house of income before the month ends, and this is when you will see more of your dreams come to fruition in this area of your life, and have more opportunities to build. Overall, December will be teaching you a lot, Scorpio.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius Season is here, and there is a lot in store for you this month, Sag. December is all about what you are dedicating yourself to. It’s about setting your intentions and putting the work in to back up your dreams, and about getting things in order so that when the new beginnings come, you are ready for them. The Sun and Venus are in your sign for most of this month, and there are a lot of eyes on you right now. You have the potential to create a new beginning for yourself, and it’s time to invest in yourself, your love life, and your dreams.
Mercury moves into Sagittarius on December 11, and this is giving you another opportunity to see through some of the plans that you had initiated in November. Mercury was retrograde in your sign last month, and there may have been some disruptions to your vision and plans for the future, and now this energy is turning around for you. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and you are walking through new doors fearlessly. You are catching others by surprise by your growth this month, and you are thinking a lot about your purpose, future, and plans for the new year.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
December is all about the vision, Capricorn. You are moving through a lot of changes and transformations this month, yet they are giving you a chance at a new beginning in the process. You are focused more on the future and what goals you want to manifest for yourself right now, and are ready to let go of what hasn’t been working for you. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of December, this is your time for healing, but remember, healing doesn’t have to be isolating or boring; you can thrive while you renew, and you are this month.
Mid-month, the excitement picks up for you, and you are feeling more energized than you have in a while. Mars moves into Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and you are being proactive with your goals, intentions, and passions. You are a force to be reckoned with this month, and you are making things happen for yourself with confidence. Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21 this year, and this is definitely speeding up your healing process. You are breaking free from what was, and with Venus also moving into Capricorn before the month ends, you are leaving this year in high spirits and with love opening a new door for you.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is all about community, creativity, and manifestation, Aquarius. This is the month to work together with others to help bring your dreams to life. You are in a space of inspiration, empowerment, and beauty, and are creating more of this energy around you and in your world. Look out for what support comes your way this month and know that you don’t have to do everything alone to succeed. With the Sun in your 11th house of manifestation and friendship, your intentions are coming to fruition, and it’s time to celebrate with the people you love and to own how far you have come this year.
On December 19, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, lighting up your life in all of the best ways possible. This is your New Moon of freedom, victory, and magic, and you are seeing new beginnings appear that you were once just hoping for. Before the month comes to an end, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and after an active and successful month, you are ready to relax, heal, and give your heart some of the attention it has been asking for. You are moving into the new year with the need to release and renew what hasn’t been working in your relationships, and you are finally ready to.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is a big month for you, Pisces. You are making some huge accomplishments this month, and are feeling like everything you have been through this year has been worth it for these moments that are coming to fruition for you now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career and reputation for most of the month, and this is where a lot of your focus is right now. You are claiming your successes and putting yourself out there in ways that not only serve you, but that inspire others as well.
Neptune officially goes direct on December 10, after being retrograde in your sign since July, and you are finally seeing things a little more clearly. You are feeling renewed inspiration and passion in your life, and your intuition is your strongest asset right now. Before December comes to an end, we also have a New Moon in your 10th house of career, and what happens now not only changes things for you in the present, but it also opens new doors and what is possible for you in the new year as well. Overall, you are on top of your game this month and are owning the joy and empowerment you feel.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
Oh, but there are plenty of people whose egos have them thinking that they can read someone else’s mind. Then there are others who have fantasies, which create unrealistic expectations that others in their lives actually should read their mind. And you know what — both of these things can cause unnecessary stress, drama, and trauma, if folks aren’t careful.
And that’s why I think it’s important that we unpack this a bit more. Because if you’re someone who thinks that if another person truly cares for you, they should be able to read your mind, it’s time to let that ridiculous yet semi-popular notion absolutely and completely go.
Here’s why.
It’s Scientifically Impossible for Someone to Read Your Mind
There are a couple of reasons why I am starting this off with R&B singer Avant. For one thing, I don’t think that he gets nearly enough flowers and secondly, clearly, this is a more-than-fitting song for today’s topic, wouldn’t you say? Because, lawd, there really is something that makes some of us feel all warm ‘n fuzzy about the mere thought of a man telling us that he is so in tuned with us that he can basically read our mind.
Hmph. Problem with that is, as I said in the intro, it is scientifically impossible (for us and for AI to do, praise the Lord!). And yet the fact that so many individuals think that they defy scientific data and research is oftentimes why there are so many breakdowns in communication — because if you run on assumption (that you can read someone’s mind) without clarification and confirmation, you can create issues that didn’t exist before you decided to fall for your own mind-reading theories.
Now to be fair, while science is still trying to figure out why we can’t read minds, what is sure is that we do have the capability to perceive the thoughts and actions of others if we’re willing to pay really close attention. However, do keep in mind that reading and perceiving are different. Reading? It’s about being able "to apprehend or interpret the meaning of" and "to anticipate, expect, or calculate by observation." Perceiving? It’s all about “to become aware of, know, or identify by means of the senses” and “to recognize, discern, envision, or understand.”
And already, do you see the differences? So much certainty comes with reading while perceiving is about humbling oneself (bookmark that) to not try to know everything but instead to try and understand what is transpiring. And since no one person (or their mind) is ever truly static, that is a huge part of the reason why believing that you can read someone’s mind — no matter how close you may be to them — is futile. You can change your mind on a dime. Others can do the same. Learning to perceive what is going on instead of assuming that you can “read” folks is far more beneficial.
Besides, you might be surprised by a particular demo who thinks that if you are truly who they need you to be, you will read their minds — and boy, once you know who they are, that may cure you of the whole “read your mind” ish…quick, fast and in a hurry.
The Expectation Is Oftentimes Rooted in Egomania
GiphyWhile doing a bit of research on this topic, I thought it was interesting that a particular type of person kept coming up. Can you guess which one? A NARCISSIST. What I kept noticing is a telling sign of a narcissistic individual is they expect others to read their mind.
I must admit that I was caught off guard by that at first because narcissists and their damn egos are so out of control (bookmark that) that it would seem like they would be more focused on acting like they know the thoughts of other people. Here’s the thing, though — the reason why narcissists want others to read their mind is because they want you to do things like guess what they want and need before they ask — and they want that to happen because they believe that they are so damn special that you should put in the extra blood, sweat and tears to figure it all out. Hmph. Now that tracks.
Another reason why narcissists want you to be able to read their mind is so they can manipulate and deflect. Meaning, if you say and do things based on what you thought they wanted you to, should everything crash and burn, they can dodge accountability and blame you for it. Hmm, does reading someone’s mind seem romantic and beautiful now? SMDH.
And again, all of this is tied to ego because, at the end of the day, mind-reading is a form of control and narcissists are definitely very controlling people. And honestly, mind-reading is as well because why do you even want to know someone’s private thoughts before they share them and, at the same time, why would you want someone to have that kind of power in your life either? “Eww” is what immediately comes to my mind. “Yuck” is what follows.
So, why is it that so many people think that it’s a good thing to have someone read their mind — I mean, the ones who don’t show narcissistic tendencies, that is? Good question.
5 Reasons Why Some People Wish Someone Would/Could Read Their Mind
GiphyOkay, so ego and pridefulness aside, what would be some other reasons why people think that it’s such a wonderful thing if someone who they are in some sort of intimate relationship with can read their mind.
1. They are caught up in Disney and rom-coms. One day, I am going to do an article on all of the ways that Disney and rom-coms have destroyed the reality of relationships. For now, I’ll just say that the scripted tales of both have caused a lot of people to think that if someone loves them, they should be able to read their mind. Nooo…if someone loves you, they should care to know what is on your mind. And that brings me to the second point.
2. They aren’t as good at communicating as they think. Are you a good communicator? One way to know if you are is you’re able to clearly articulate your wants and needs — because really, if you are able to do that, why should anyone even need to read your mind? Feel me? Let’s move on.
3. They want someone else to work harder at their relationships than they do. I say it in my sessions often — it’s beyond crazy to think that someone should work harder at figuring out what your wants, needs and expectations are than you are willing to express them. Hmph. It makes me think of a friend of mine who says that “should” is a dangerous word. What she means by that is saying that someone should do or not do something simply because YOU THINK that’s how it “should” go is a surefire way to stay disappointed and even be disillusioned. No, your man shouldn’t just know what you want every year for your birthday. Did you state it? If not, why aren’t you playing fair? Who has time for all of the guessing games and then getting penalized if they guess wrong? Stop it.
4. They think it’s the sign of a healthy relationship (it isn’t). Anyone who knows me knows that I am always and forever going to be Team Healthy over Team Happy and my reason why never changes. Only children expect to live in a world where they are happy all of the time — and yes, there are a lot of childish people out here. People who want their mind read? They tend to live in happy land. Meanwhile, a healthy relationship knows that clear communication, mutual respect, keen listening, patience and understanding that humans make mistakes are foundational to its success.
5. They are lazy. And yes y’all, some people want others to read their mind because they are lazy and it really is just as simple as that. Thing is, while they are being passive aggressive, dropping hints or giving the silent treatment so that you can figure out whatever it is that they…want you to figure out, that tends to take more effort than simply speaking up. Ridiculous, chile.
How to Let the Myth Go
GiphyGee, after reading all of this, suddenly reading minds just seems like a lot of silliness with a sprinkle of drama and potential trauma, doesn’t it? And it’s all because some people choose to treat something that is a myth like it’s a bona fide fact. SMDH.
And what if you happen to be one of those individuals? How do you break free? COMMUNICATE. Openly, clearly and maturely share what’s on your mind and heart because, the true tell of a solid relationship isn’t that someone can read your mind; it’s that they can retain what you’ve already stated.
Less reading. More perceiving. That’s the secret sauce.
And when you accept this for what it is, you will realize that it’s far better for you, your partner and your relationship to stop expecting the impossible and to accept what is actual: that learning your partner, as they strive to do the same thing with you, is better than you both assuming that you know what…maybe you do, maybe you don’t.
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Author Frank Sonnenberg once said, “People can’t hear what you don’t say. Thinking isn’t communicating” — and I think this is a perfect place to bring all of this to a close.
Find the kind of relationship(s) where intention is so strong that mind-reading isn’t even desired.
At the end of the day, it really is as simple as that.
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