Actor Neil Brown Jr. Gives Us The 411 On His Successful 25-Year Relationship With His Wife
Neil Brown Jr. gets to play pretend for the rest of his life. His words, not mine. But if you really sit back and think about it, he's absolutely right.
Fans of Insecure and most recently SEAL Team might also be able to attest to this statement as well, as they watch him so effortlessly portray DJ Yella, Chad and Ray respectively. And whether that's due to his on-point comedic timing or striking ability to connect with his character and viewers, it's obvious that pretend or not: Brown was indeed made for these roles.
What's also obvious about the Florida native is that he's madly in love with his craft, his life, and most importantly his wife. He emphatically gushes about her as we chat over the phone in the early hours of the day. He tells xoNecole that not only does his wife Catrina play a pivotal role in his professional evolution, but his personal one as well.
"Her love abounds," he explains. "You know, it turned me into a man, a father, a good friend, a faithful husband, and a faithful Christian in a certain way. She's a cold piece of work. That's my soulmate. I knew we were always going to be together, but we had to learn to be together and how to interpret the dream that was our marriage."
We got the chance to talk to Neil about his new role, why compromise is central to maintaining a long relationship, and why having the capacity to love and endure is so important.
xoNecole: You and your wife have been very open about the formative years of you all's relationship as we saw on ‘Black Love’ doc and various interviews. What made you decide to share that part of your lives?
Neil Brown Jr: With the Black Love doc, we never knew that it was going to be as big as it was. At that point, we had been together for about 18, 20 years and we just saw so many couples with this false sense of what it takes to make a relationship or a marriage work. And no matter what they said, as soon as it got a little rough, they're like, 'Well I don't have to stand for this.'
Throughout our walk in faith, in God and with each other, no matter how rough it got--we had to go back to the core value which was that we wanted to make it work. Outside of someone being abusive towards you, if you made a commitment to each other, then you made a commitment to work things out, not just to be cool when things are all good.
Love is nothing but hard work, compromise, and a lot of laughs in between. We were hoping that when we did that documentary that we would be open and honest, although I am a very private person. We knew we had a responsibility to be honest with [their audience] and let them know that you don't marry [someone] because of how nice and beautiful they are--you marry them because no one can piss you off the way that person can and you still want to be with them.
Photo by Leslie Alejandro
"Throughout our walk in faith, in God and with each other, no matter how rough it got--we had to go back to the core value which was that we wanted to make it work... Love is nothing but hard work, compromise, and a lot of laughs in between."
You two also recently renewed your vows in a beautiful ceremony back in May. What was that experience like and why was that important?
It was a beautiful. But to be honest, I don't remember. From the moment she walked down the aisle--I was done. I was stuck the whole time. I just remember a lot of flowers, a lot of people. It was the most beautiful thing ever, it was everything we had thought of from when I first asked her to marry me when I was 15. The wedding colors and everything we came up, we decided on at 16-17 years old. It took 19 years of marriage [and] 25 years of being together to finally get it done through God's good grace.
Planning it took a whole village. It was so much work. It took 10 years to get the proposal right. Then, it took another year of planning. It just kept getting bigger and bigger. But it was magical. She was a goddess. She walked down the aisle and I'm not going to lie--I couldn't hold it together. Everything was just perfect, she was the belle of the ball. This and the honeymoon have been the greatest experiences thus far, besides the first day that I met her.
What are some of the biggest things you've learned about yourself in your marriage?
Ultimately, that I'm a good person. I never really knew that. I kept wondering what was wrong with me and why it was that I kept messing up. But I realized I'm not a horrible person, I'm just a human being. And when you can accept that and you know that you're human and that you will fall--it's all good as long as you get back up. I also learned that the things that I wanted out of life, I had the willpower to get them done. I learned that I loved her more than I even knew. But I realized that all of the things I wished [for] and dreamed and hoped--I could make those things happen if I had enough faith and that my faith was strong. And that more times than not, I would make the right decision for us.
What's the biggest difference you've found between the Neil at the beginning of your relationship and the Neil you are now?
Patience. I have a lot more patience and I'm slow to anger. Early on I was quick to anger, always ready and looking for a fight, never wanted to lose. I was always trying to win the argument, sometimes at the expense of hurting those I love. But I learned it's okay to lose an argument. As I got older, I became more apt to compromise and with that, I also feel I have a greater capacity for love and what it takes to love.
Speaking of love, how has hers affected you?
Her capacity to love me taught me how to grow up and stop being a little boy and selfish. She taught me to be unselfish and how to compromise. It's funny because my family is the touchy-feely family whereas hers isn't. But they knew how to do things that I didn't--like sharing! I didn't know how to share. My sister is nine years older than me so I was basically home alone. My wife taught me the other side of what I thought love was: how to share, compromise, and give.
I had the touchy-feely stuff down but I didn't know the other part. And my love taught her how to voice it and say it. Her endless capacity to love has taught me more about myself than what I ever knew I could learn. She saw this me in me before I saw it in myself and before I knew he even existed. You know, we're not without our faults but as long as you and your partner have open ears to listen and learn: your love will wither and bloom. But it's always new, it's constantly growing and evolving.
Photo by Leslie Alejandro
"My wife taught me the other side of what I thought love was: how to share, compromise, and give. I had the touchy-feely stuff down but I didn't know the other part. And my love taught her how to voice it and say it.
I’m sure you’ve seen the growing conversation here lately about the importance of love languages. You know, learning how to effectively communicate with your partner. What has that journey been like for you and your wife?
First of all, it's been so much fun. I love to learn, me and my wife both love to learn. And it's interesting that you ask me about love languages because I've actually never read that book. But I always pray to speak to my wife in the love language that she understands and for her to speak to me in a language that we understand.That journey has been so magical because you get little breakthroughs.
Especially when you realize you two just had a debate over something and you realize it wasn't an argument anymore but more like, "I need you to understand me about this." And you both get it and understand. You get to learn new things about your partner and after 25 years, I'm still excited to just wake up and talk to her every morning.
You've been able to successfully maintain a beautiful relationship. What would you say are the major do's and don'ts for someone looking to do the same?
I'd say don't bring other people into your relationship. And that's not to say you can't learn things from other people, but don't judge your relationship based off somebody else's relationship. Just because people are smiling doesn't mean they're happy and just because people are frowning doesn't mean they're necessarily sad. Just because people aren't arguing, it doesn't mean things are great and just because people are arguing, it doesn't mean their relationship is bad. So you really can't look to others or what you need to learn about each other. Because a lot of times the only taste of happiness and joy that some people will ever get in a relationship is when they take a bite out of yours. So you don't want other people influencing your process of loving the one you're with.
Do not shut off, always talk, always be willing to compromise. And don't let your ego write a check that your butt can't cash. You don't want to get to a point in your relationship where you don't have the character to sustain it.
Keeping people out of your relationship, [and checking] your ego and pride are three of the things that I would say would help a couple learn how to love. You have to be willing and wanting to be happy and learn things from each other and listen. Talk to each other, never shut off because that's the quickest way to build resentment and anger. You have to take a step back and be in sight of: do you guys want this to work?
Photo by Leslie Alejandro
"Do not shut off, always talk, always be willing to compromise. And don't let your ego write a check that your butt can't cash. You don't want to get to a point in your relationship where you don't have the character to sustain it."
Before you go, let’s switch gears and talk 'SEAL Team.' It's been renewed for season 3 and you're a fan favorite on that show as Ray, congratulations.
Thank you, thank you.
What has that experience been like?
I am increasingly humbled each and every day by the love that's thrown at all of us. My Dad used to fight in Vietnam so I'm essentially playing my Dad on this show. He's my hero. But I grew up with two forces in my house: my mom was Martin Luther King and my Dad was Malcom X. So I put both of them into portraying Ray. But the fans are so engaged and then I keep running into military personnel from all branches and they really feel it. You know, we're trying to portray the pain and the pitfalls of not just the Special Operators, but their families as well.
But they all dig the show and that's the most heartwarming thing. I actually wanted to be a Navy Seal when I was a kid but I just didn't want to join the Navy (laughs). But now I get to play one on TV which is far more lucrative and way less dangerous. The cast is awesome, our writers are awesome, most of the crew and stuntmen are veterans. It's just humbling all around.
If I’m honest, I feel like you have a track record of being a fan fave on whatever show you’re on. ‘Insecure’ being another example.
You know what? People love to hate Chad and I don't know why! He's just an honest dude, but Prentice Penny and Issa [Rae] and Melina [Matsoukas]--they've been so great. The writers on that show are crazy. People think I'm ad-libbing a lot but I'm not.
You’re not?
I AM NOT. I only ad-lib like 10-15%, but they write Chad that way. Fast-talking, all of that. But the funny thing is, I think everybody at some point in their life knows a person like Chad. But I'm humbled by it, the love is real, it's another dream come true. I couldn't thank HBO and Issa enough. Plus I get to play off Jay Ellis, we have a good time. I wish you guys could see what doesn't make the show. But when we start back up again, I hope I get to do something even more crazy.
We hope you do too. And what's next on the horizon for you?
Fortunately, my hilarious wife is also a writer. She has scripts that I want to go produce, like tomorrow. But it's all about timing. Me and my boy Cory Hardrict have a buddy cop film we're working on. Of course more SEAL Team, more Insecure. And I'm still waiting for Marvel to call. I'll play whoever whenever whatever (laughs). But all in all, I'm trying to continue to work and grow as an actor and just put great things out there.
For more of Neil, follow him on Instagram. Catch him starring in SEAL Team when it returns this fall.
For more of Neil, follow him on Instagram. Catch him starring in SEAL Team when it returns this fall.
*Some answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.
- Neil Brown, jr (@NeilBrownJr) | Twitter ›
- Neil Brown Jr. (@neilbrownjr) • Instagram photos and videos ›
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- Neil Brown Jr. Cast In CBS' Navy SEAL Drama Pilot – Deadline ›
- Neil Brown Jr. Re-Proposes to His Wife Catrina | PEOPLE.com ... ›
Writer. Empath. Escapist. Young, gifted, and Black. Shanelle Genai is a proud Southern girl in a serious relationship with celebrity interviews, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and long walks down Sephora aisles. Keep up with her on IG @shanellegenai.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Behind The Veil: Brides Get Real About The Hidden Cost Of Wedding Planning
As more attention and concern has been given to mental health over the past few years, the trend seems to have taken its time when it comes to wedding planning. Though one of the most joyous times of a woman’s life, becoming a bride also includes a lot of stress—and most social media content glosses over it.
“I scrubbed TikTok for the better part of a year, and 90% of the content is just about saving money, what not to do and trends,” one bride recalled. “But there was really nothing about how to take care of yourself.”
Extensive research has been done on the state of the modern wedding, and the financial findings alone are enough to cause strain. According to research from The Wedding Report, U.S. wedding costs rose by 3% in 2023 to over $30,000, which is nearly half the country’s average salary. In a study of almost 10,000 couples conducted by The Knot, wedding costs in large cities like New York and Los Angeles peaked at $63,000 and $48,000, respectively.
“I feel like they're taking advantage of a happy moment,” another bride admits. “We hire photographers on the daily, we hire videographers on the daily. We know what a normal day rate is. But just because you put the term 'wedding' on it, the prices are doubled.”
The Knot’s study also includes stats that put interpersonal stress into perspective. With the average wedding including 115 guests, most couples also had at least eight bridesmaids and groomsmen. The study also confirmed that 75% of couples’ foremost concern was whether or not their “guests are well taken care of and have a good time.” All of this can put inordinate pressure on relationships—so much so that couples seek therapy.
“I don't think people really talk about things like, ‘Hey, perhaps you should be in therapy while you're doing this,’” yet another bride confesses. “Of course, some people are in premarital therapy, but I had to be in individual therapy right around the time of the wedding planning as well because it was just a burnout situation.”
In an effort to share more authentic stories about the wedding planning process, we asked four brides to anonymously share their experiences. From destination weddings to a pandemic micro wedding, here is the real tea on just how much a wedding can affect one’s mental health.
raisazwart/ Getty Images
BRIDE #1
There’s a lie that they tell you, that destination weddings are cheaper—they're not. The amount of money that was due upfront for things was definitely a stressor. Even with my fiancé and I collectively grossing over $200,000, I knew I was going to have to get a second job if I wanted things the way that I wanted them.
For my bachelorette, I was met with a lot of resistance from my bridesmaids out the gate. There were just too many opinions for me; it got to the point where I was so fed up with my bridal party that I had other friends outside of my wedding party helping me with things. There were even bridesmaids who were actually cool with each other at first, and now don't deal with each other at all. I also just look at certain friendships differently now.
Then there’s just way too much pressure on brides to look perfect—to be skinny, to have flawless skin, to have the whitest teeth, to have the best hair. I really feel like that was a stressor. I was trying to stay consistent in the gym; I was doing it as much as possible. I spent so much money on skincare, new body scrubs, lotions, and oils, trying to make sure that I was perfect. I also made sure I got my teeth whitened every three months. It got to the point where I was dreading getting my dress fitted because I wasn't the weight or the shape that I felt like I needed to be in order to be ‘perfect.’
"Then there’s just way too much pressure on brides to look perfect—to be skinny, to have flawless skin, to have the whitest teeth, to have the best hair. I really feel like that was a stressor."
My partner and I were in couples counseling at the same time that we were wedding planning. And I think, for the most part, he was involved as much as he was going to be. But then, he lost his mom, and the entire weight of the wedding fell on me. A couple of months before the wedding, I had a breakdown. It was too much to carry. I definitely took on this superwoman armor, and it stressed me the fuck out.
Days before we left, we had our last counseling session. My fiancé and I had a really, really long conversation about what we weren't going to allow to ruin the weekend for us. I just let it go—all the shit that upset me, all the things that pissed me off, even the things that were happening while I was there, I let it go.
A destination wedding was one of the things that we agreed on long ago. We knew that we always wanted to do that. And honestly, we had a fucking blast. For the entire process to be as hellish as it was, the weekend was great. Thank God.
BRIDE #2
Planning a wedding—especially one during the pandemic—was so stressful. My wedding was supposed to be in May 2020, and I canceled the wedding because of the pandemic. But then August 2020 rolled around, and I was like, ‘You know what? Let's just do something small.’ So, I planned my micro wedding in two weeks.
Initially, I had about 250 people that were invited to the wedding. So scaling down to just 30 people was honestly the hardest thing, and I actually lost friends because of it. Honestly, it shocked me, the entitlement that people had, and it just made me look at them differently. I was like, ‘You know what? I'm actually grateful that this happened because maybe I don't need you in my life.’
But to be honest, I think that the pandemic helped me out. With my original wedding plan, I was adding so many things onto the bill because I wanted it to look good for social media, so much so that I was racking up almost $100,000 for my bill. I had to keep reminding myself that it was one day, and spending that much money on a one-day event was actually ridiculous. I only spent $10,000 on my micro wedding, and I feel like that's pretty good. I learned throughout the process that I was being charged more for having a wedding. So, I rented out a Peerspace and I told her it was just a nice dinner for friends and family, that we were already married and were just celebrating. She had no clue that I was walking down the aisle on her rooftop.
As a social media influencer, I knew that tons of photos would be taken, and I would have to post them. I had a crossbite on my two front teeth, and I was so stressed out about how I would look in photos. So, I got Invisalign before the wedding. I also found a hair stylist quickly for my microwedding and she did my wig—but she did such a bad job. I was like, ‘Oh my God, this is so embarrassing. People are gonna see me in my photos on my wedding day with this horrible, horrendous wig.’ I had to pluck it so much more. When I got the photos from the photographer, I told him that he could not post them until I edited them.
If I could give advice to other brides, I would say make sure you do it for you and your partner, nobody else. In the beginning, there were too many people in my ear. Once I started to realize that it was mine and my fiancé’s big day, and it was just us who mattered, that's what shifted everything for me. So don't lean into the pressures of pleasing other people and social media, just do what you think is right and what you truly, truly want.
Serhii Sobolevskyi/ Getty Images
BRIDE #3
The day you get engaged, there’s the attention and the immediate questions: ‘Do you have a date in mind?’ ‘Where are you gonna do it?’ And it was like, ‘I literally just got engaged, can I have one day?’ I got engaged on New Year's Eve and I didn't announce it until April—and that's because I was pressured.
I also didn't want a wedding. I didn't plan my wedding; my mom and family did that because that's what they wanted. So the venue, the flowers, the cake, they did all that because I didn't care. Back when things were going my way, I said I just wanted to do something small in a garden. The only thing I cared about was my dress because I knew my dress was going to be the main thing that was photographed. I always wanted a pink dress; I knew when I chose pink that it was going to be like, ‘Hmm, that's interesting.’
Matopeda Bride was making my dress in Nigeria. Do you understand how stressful it is doing something with somebody that lives in Nigeria? We had to find that sweet spot of time to talk because everything was done over WhatsApp. I didn't get my dress until the week before my wedding, and when I got the dress, it didn't fit. We were panicking a little bit, so much so that I forgot to buy wedding shoes. But when it all came together, that was probably what I was most proud of, because everybody said no to that pink dress and I was like ‘I don't care.’
I also had a zillion workarounds because I was not playing with these people taking advantage of brides. They rip brides off so bad. It's unfair because if you go to a makeup artist and just say you want soft glam, that's $80. But for a wedding? I was being quoted around $1,500 to $2,000 for that same $80 face. So I brought my homegirl, and she did my makeup for free. Wedding cakes were priced around the same, like $1,000 to $1,500. I ordered a white cake from Publix, it might have been like 100 bucks. My mom is a florist, so she put the flowers on the cake and then we ended up doing a cupcake tower around the side.
"They rip brides off so bad. It's unfair because if you go to a makeup artist and just say you want soft glam, that's $80. But for a wedding? I was being quoted around $1,500 to $2,000 for that same $80 face."
I also had no idea—and I'm grateful that they did not tell me—that there was tension between my bridesmaids. Once the wedding was over, I saw the text thread, and it really put a lot of things in perspective for me, because I saw who was willing, who was not responsive, and who wouldn't do things they were supposed to do. Initially, with the garden wedding, it was just going to be me and my fiancé. I didn't want a bridal party.
On the day of, I was so tired of being at a wedding that I left my reception, and I went to the back to talk to a friend. I was like, ‘This is too much.’ I really don't believe half the brides that have these big, obnoxious weddings even want to be there! I've been seeing a lot of content with brides saying, ‘Okay, this is too much. I'm gonna go somewhere and decompress.’
A bride should make sure that she is centered and has a full awareness of who she is and what she would like, and stand firm in that. Just be authentic, be you, and I think you'll be able to deal with it all a little bit better. Every time I hear that somebody bent just a little bit to accommodate people, there were always regrets.
BRIDE #4
I knew I wanted to have a destination wedding before I even had a boyfriend. I've been to destination weddings, and I had so much fun. But mine was a battle with me and my mom, because she was like, ‘Oh, your grandmothers won't be able to come and certain family members won't be able to fly.’ And I was okay with that. I was just like, ‘Well, in this instance it's about me and what I want.’
We had two ceremonies: an American one and a Nigerian one. How we saved money with two weddings was that for the Nigerian one, we didn't feed people. We were like, ‘We're not paying for two receptions.’ Normally, when you go to a traditional Nigerian wedding, they feed people at both, and it gets really, really expensive. But we did it at an all-inclusive resort, so we were like, ‘We'll do the ceremony, and then y'all can go on the resort and go get some food.’
I'm not Nigerian, my husband is, so I let his family handle all that. I ended up having to step in and be the middle man between our wedding party and his family because they wanted us to wear a certain fabric. We got all the fabric from Nigeria, so we had to get everyone's measurements and all that tedious stuff. That's what was complicated. We had to wear the geles, the headwraps, and we didn't know how to tie the geles. So I had to figure out how to get the geles pre-made for the girls because I wanted to do that. That was a big thing for me because this was my only time to have a cultural wedding.
With relationships, it's like people don't know how to not make it about themselves. People also weren't realizing that when they kept asking me for stuff, they were making my life harder. I'm in the middle of planning a wedding, and you're asking me for answers that I've already sent, which is just inconsiderate at the end of the day. I think that's the most frustrating part, and that's why you lose friends, because people wait until the last minute to do things, and they make it harder on you.
People were coming up to me like, ‘Are you having something borrowed? Something blue?’ No. Why am I stressing myself out over that? Because that's a tradition? We need to normalize people being different. Historically, if you're different, you're outcasted, but if that's what I want, I want what I want. I didn't want a garter. I didn't want to do a garter toss. I didn't do the bouquet thing or none of that. When it came to the reception outfit, people were like, ‘Why aren't you getting a dress?’ I didn't want a dress; I wore a white suit. I wore a white suit with a sexy lingerie bodysuit underneath because that's me. With some Jordans, because I'm a sneaker person.
Managing my mental health was about creating boundaries. I think I did a great job of creating boundaries throughout the whole process—I was very stern on what I wanted and what I didn't want.
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Featured image by Adriana Duduleanu/Getty Images