Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, I'm no stranger to the struggle of breaking free from a religion I had no choice in being apart of or not. It's a very traumatic experience to give up all you have ever known and risk your whole circle of family and friends to discover a connection to truth that resonates with your soul. The journey to personal freedom is filled with fear, guilt, and self-doubt, still, I would not trade my freedom, sanity, and independence that came from walking away from the only life I knew for 20 years.
This piece will reveal the stories of two other millennial women who had the courage, and strength to walk away from their own oppressive upbringings.
Reagan, @reagan_barclay
Reagan is a new mom of a 7-month-old baby, navigating life in the "outside world."
Her Upbringing:
I was raised as a Jehovah's Witnesses. I remember no holidays, no birthdays, and I could only hang out with Jehovah's Witnesses. I couldn't stand for the flag, and we were not allowed to go to the military. No smoking. You could date and marry outside of the religion, but they frowned on it.
I remember being little, around five or six, sitting in the Kingdom Hall thinking "something's not right." I would Google Jehovah's Witnesses, and I would see words like "cult" and "sex abuse." I would ask my Granddad, "What's a cult?" and he would say, "Get off that. Turn that off." I remember being young, sitting on his lap one time to ask him, "Granddad, will you always love me?" And he replied, "Long as you love Jehovah."
I loved my family, but I dreaded being a Witness. I hated the hall. I hated service, I hated conventions, I hated family worship, I hated it ALL - but I didn't have a choice. I was a child, and my father was absent. Even if he was around, they sure as hell weren't going to let me go live with him. I remember my mom getting disfellowshipped. She would cry to me about how my family would treat her, and I remember crying to my cousin about how poorly they treated her, and talked bad on her every time the family was together... and the family was always together!
I remember getting abused at a young age, not by anyone in the congregation, but the way my situation was handled. I knew something was wrong. It was very hush mouth yet, I thought they were there to comfort me, however, I had to self-cope with that. I never stopped thinking about how I didn't want to be a Jehovah's Witness, but seeing how my mom and family members were treated, I thought if I get baptised, "I'll never get disfellowshipped because I'm too scared to lose my family."
Her Transition:
I was reproved multiple times (which means being privately reprimanded by Jehovah's Witness Elders and being warned of disfellowshipment) and I remember being talked down on afterwards. I remember falling into depression and wanting to kill myself, and I would get told I just wanted attention. "You're not really going to kill yourself," they would say.
They were partially right. I wanted both. I remember going to a mental institution, and no one from the hall came to see me, and none of my friends came to see me. The only people who showed up were my mom and grandparents.
I went home eventually, and started drinking, having sex, popping pills, etc. I didn't give a f-ck!
As time went by, I told myself I had to get it together, because if I kept messing up, I wouldn't be able to have my family. So I got it together and I got my privileges back (which means to be an active member of the congregation), and I remember going to live back with my mom. She wasn't very active at the time, and I don't even think she was going to the kingdom hall.
I was making an effort my own, then somewhere down the line she got back in the congregation, and I honestly think it was because of me. I was putting on a good show. I was being a good hypocrite. Eventually, I think my mom kind of gave up on me because I actually did what I wanted.
I went back to sex, weed, and pills.
I partied continuously as I worked and went to high school. I already had a graduation party, and I accepted a full ride to a university. I knew I wasn't going to stay there forever, but it was a way out. I went off to school and I talked to them maybe twice. I talked to my mom off and on, but she was still trying to convince me to go to the hall and telling me how to live my life. I decided to cut her off because I knew there was a chance of me going back if I continued a relationship with her.
Going to college gave me a place to stay for a few months before I quit after the first semester. I knew I couldn't go home so I asked my friend if I could stay with her, which lasted for six months. That was two years ago, and here I am now.
The After Effects:
The consequences of leaving the organization is obviously the fact that I don't have my family, and I have been completely on my own. After leaving, I felt like I was finally free, but I was so used to living as a Jehovah's Witnesses, and had lived their way of life for so many years, that I had a lot of fear surrounding what living is like in the "outside world."
But I survived without them.
Seven months ago, I had my son, and I'm currently battling with the fact of whether or not I should let my son be a part of their lives. I fear my son being around them because I know their love is not real. The only reason I do let him go around them at all is because it feels like the right thing to do, and I'm learning to forgive those who have hurt me, and do the right thing regardless.
The Outcome:
Since I've left the organization, I've learned what REAL love is. Love is unconditional, and its silly to shun your own family member over a religious belief. On the upside, I feel great! I have a family, and I have friends who love me genuinely for me. Not because of my religion. I'm still finding myself. I'm still in the process of healing, and I have a long way to go, but for the first time in my life I'm truly happy! I might not have much in the other people's eyes, but to me, I have everything to be grateful for, including my past.
I feel like being raised a JW, had a negative impact on my life but I don't hate them. However, I do keep them at a distance. I was honestly even scared to write a testimony for this article because of the fear of what my family would think of me, but I've learned that the truth isn't always pretty."
Hana, @weirdnesss
Hana is of mixed ethnicity, and grew up living a double life religiously and culturally in a tumultuous upbringing. Read more about her dynamic experience in her written blog for "Embracing Ugly."
Photo by Jazmin Corea
Her Upbringing:
I was born in Miami but raised in Kuwait. My father is a Muslim from Kuwait, with a large religious family still arranging marriages and insisting on the Hijab at puberty. My family members do not cover their faces but to the rest of the world they may seem semi-National Geographic-ish.
My mother is a Catholic from Colombia. She went to Catholic school and came from a family where the men were breadwinners and women were traditional homemakers with very strong opinions. My siblings and I were raised with Islam and Catholicism. I had to learn how to live a double life very early on. I wasn't allowed to play with boys once I hit adolescence.
I wasn't allowed to wear certain clothes, laugh without reason, or question religion.
I will never forget the day my dad told me I couldn't play soccer with him anymore. I was getting older and there were no other girls on the field. As an 8-year-old, I didn't understand why my brothers could join in and I couldn't, even though I knew being a girl had a different set of rules.
Her Transition:
My family and I survived the Gulf War in 1990. We were able to escape through the desert and make it to Miami where my mom's family was, only to be hit by Hurricane Andrew.
After so much destruction, we went back to Kuwait where I grew up until I was 15. There was so much trauma and dysfunction that was spread throughout the generations. At the time, I didn't understand that, and as I grew older, I was able to understand everyone was just as lost as the children were. I started really questioning the idea of God around middle school. I couldn't understand how both my parents' perception of God, though strong and convicting, wasn't enough to protect my family throughout the catastrophes we had experienced.
In Kuwait, I was in religion class because it's mandatory, and I remember asking reasonable questions and being kicked out of class. In my mind, as a rebellious mixed angry child, I couldn't understand why no one had straight answers for me, if God had been so perfect. The inability to answer my questions was a familiar response on both sides.
I had experienced some troubling times and I remember being so young, lost, and desperate to find divinity, that I figured going back to what I knew would help. I went to a Catholic retreat and was honest about not being fully onboard with Jesus being God, and I asked for a prayer and the priest said he couldn't bless me.
At that point, I knew that path wasn't for me.
The After Effects:
I think one of the hardest parts about this whole process has been having to ask my parents to respect my beliefs, even if they don't agree with them. There has actually been a lot of freedom and growth in my relationships with my parents since I've gotten passed the fears of being transparent with them.
I've battled mental health issues since childhood. I know that my life is contingent upon my spiritual condition.
My life depended on me exploring spirituality beyond the limits set in my childhood. The more I heal, the more I've also been able to appreciate the religion both of my parents gave me. I've spent many years volunteering in different avenues, and the one thing I try to show people is how to find God for themselves. It irks my nerves that divinity has been hijacked by fundamentalists of ALL backgrounds.
It's such a shame to see so many young people lost and without guidance, or even the willingness to explore, because of the fear behind the idea of God that we've been conditioned to believe exists.
Since having told my parents I needed my own space to explore God, I have tried mediums, pilgrimages, past life regressions, card readers, acupuncture, retreats, praying, crystals, nature, animals…so many things! When I've traveled, I've gone to hindu temples, mosques, and churches, I would give anything to share that energy with the world around me, to show people it's all the same!
It was beautiful to have tangible proof that God is universal, all loving, and all powerful.
I've been faced with a lot of ignorance throughout my journey to God and I've learned to respect people where they are at. It's not my job or anyone else's to convert or convince anyone. My very existence, and the miracle that is my very existence, is proof in itself. I live a life that is righteous to my moral compass according to the God that I have come to know along the way- and I have to be about it, not talk about it.
The Outcome:
Today, I am a woman who is well-rounded and respecting of so many walks of life because I understand that our relationship with God (as we understand him/her/it) is so deeply personal and beautiful.
What I have with God today is because I had so many women along the way guide me and challenge me to explore beyond my childhood ideas and my parents' ideologies, and I am forever humbled by the gracious gift these women gave me.
I would tell someone going through the same experience to question everything. Read, pray, talk to people, go to workshops of new faiths, there are online groups too if you're unable to explore in person.
Figure out where your heart feels at home.
Do these words you're reciting resonate with your soul? Does this ceremony feel like your soul is being hugged super tight? There is no right or wrong in this process, except honoring your truth along the way. It's ok if there are changes, like all relationships and growth, changes happen. You can deal, so long as you put your truth first.
I hope you find yourself and all the glory that is you exactly as you are along the way. Life is so much more manageable when you are able to embrace your ancestors, your guardian angels, and God along the way.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
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Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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Featured image by Giphy