Know what I’m old enough to remember? MCI phone cards. Billing phone calls to third numbers. Beepers. Two-ways. A life without cell phones (let alone smartphones) and the internet. So, you know what all of this meant, right? Communication, especially communication with a bae, was oftentimes expensive and/or challenging, and, especially if it was a long-distance situation, it required that you be prepared to write at least a few letters from time to time.
Now? Well, let me put it this way: When’s the last time that you sat down to handwrite a grocery list, let alone a love letter? Oh, please believe that I am pointing the finger at myself too because, these days, even I attempt to jot down a quick message in a greeting card, I think about how stellar my father’s penmanship was and I’m damn near mortified in comparison…all because I don’t handwrite things, nearly as much as I should. SMDH.
Y’all, technology has its pros. When it comes to romance and intimacy, especially, it can also have its cons too. As I say often, in the wise words of the philosopher Aristotle, “The excess of a virtue is a vice” and y’all, just think about it: shooting a quick text vs. making the time to share your thoughts in your own handwriting this Valentine’s Day — which one do you think would make the bigger and longer impression? Which one would move the heart more?
Shoot, not to mention the fact that our society shells out a whopping $27.5 billion on the holiday each and every year. Hmph. I recently saw a social media post where a woman said that a man who is “trying to get with you” should spend no less than $1,000 on V-Day. SMDH…AGAIN. If you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am not team “drain a man,” especially when it comes to a fleeting holiday. Relationships should always be about reciprocity, so if you don’t want simply a card and a hug on February 14, be prepared to give more than that.
However, I will also say that when it comes to conveying romance, being creative, and showing someone how thoughtful you can be, a handwritten letter is a very nice touch. And so, in the spirit of Cupid’s Day, if you and your partner are sexually active, you can really make his toes curl if the letter that you write happens to be a SEX LOVE LETTER.
Let’s discuss.
Don’t Let Technology Talk You Out of Writing a Letter. Here’s Why.
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My godchildren’s mother must have stock in Hallmark because, if there is one thing that she is going to do, it is send cards while making sure that her daughters do the same. It’s a great practice, one that I remember doing while I was growing up as well. Since my mother kept some of the ones that I sent to my grandparents when I was little, it’s actually a great memory to look back on (via photo albums). However, beyond taking a walk down memory lane, there are other reasons why writing a letter is a beautiful gesture.
For instance, when you think about shooting someone a quick text — really, who benefits more? If you’re really honest with yourself, it’s probably you because texting is convenient and saves a lot of time. And that’s just my point. Handwriting a letter? It requires you making the time to share your thoughts and feelings and who doesn’t want to feel like someone values them enough to spend time that they won’t ever get back on them?
Another reason why writing a letter is bomb is because, something that I will sometimes recommend that my clients do, is write letters to each other, even if/though they live in the same house.
Handwritten letters give you the opportunity to really think about what you want to say which ultimately tends to make the messages a lot more meaningful. Something else that’s wonderful about letter writing is you can put so many personal touches on it — from the stationery that you choose to the scent that you put on the paper to whether you want your words to be in print or you’d prefer to pen them in cursive.
And then, there’s a reason that’s tied to a sappy film that I just watched (again) on Tubi over this past weekend — a romantic movie that I can’t freakin believe turns 15 this year (what is time, people?!): Dear John (Channing Tatum and Amanda Seyfried). Definitely one of the elements that made it so sweet and precious to watch was the fact that John (Tatum) and Savannah (Seyfried) spent an entire year writing letters back and forth to one another while he was on military assignment.
How can you not feel loved when someone puts in that kind of effort? Yeah, folks don’t handwrite letters like they used to — that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t, though.
How a Handwritten Love Letter Can Benefit Your Relationship
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Although probably no one can be absolutely certain about the origin story of a love letter, I do like that one article that I checked out said that probably the Song of Solomon is probably a good place to start. If you’ve ever checked some of those chapters out, the words are poetic, sensual and even intense at times. And even though other love letters that followed may have been due to the fact that distance prevented couples from being able to talk face-to-face, let’s not act like history doesn’t also tell us that love letters were a form of wooing. It is a way of documenting your interest, affection, admiration and desire for the one you care so deeply for.
Something else that’s dope about love letters is it’s a way to document the journey of your relationship with someone — it’s also a solid way to hold yourself accountable to the words that you speak. Case in point: something that I oftentimes advise my clients to do is jot down a list of 10-20 things that made them choose their partner. Then I ask them to post it somewhere where they and their partner can see it on a daily basis (like a bathroom mirror or kitchen’s refrigerator). That way, on the not-so-great days, they can refer to the list and remember to see things from a broader perspective than how they may be feeling at the moment — and that can help to reignite their feelings so that they can get back on track.
One more beautiful thing about love letters? It can help you to express your love for your partner in a way that you may not be able to otherwise. While, in a conversation, you might simply say, “I love you,” in a letter, you probably will be more compelled to expound upon why — and that can make you feel more confident in the relationship while affirming your partner at the same time. Perfect.
What I’m basically saying here is that a love letter can plant seeds in your relationship that will flourish in ways that you couldn’t even imagine at the time that you actually wrote it. And if it can do all of that…imagine what a SEX LOVE LETTER is able to do.
What’s the Difference Between a Love Letter and a Sex Love Letter?
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Although, on the surface, I’m sure you get that a “regular” love letter is about mostly about love while a sex love letter is pretty much about sex — the thing that I really want you to get is that the focus of the latter needs to be about how you feel about your sex life with your partner through the lens of love. To make this make more sense, I’m going to use synonyms for love that can be applied to sex:
- What do you especially APPRECIATE about the intimacy that you share with him?
- What EMOTIONS do you feel while you’re having sex with each other?
- What drives your PASSION for him?
- What do you CHERISH the most about your moments, in bed, together?
- What about his body do you RELISH?
- When you think about him, what causes you to have feelings of LUST?
- Is he a TENDER kisser or lover? If so, expound on that.
- What happens during sex that you really LIKE?
- What about him, sexually, are you PARTIAL to above all others?
- What about sex, with him, do you ENJOY the most?
See…a sex love letter. If you answer these 10 questions, in your own words, on some pretty stationery, that has a scent that he adores (or arouses him like a blend of lavender and pumpkin), and maybe you even put a sexy pair of thongs into the envelope and then mail it to him (my personal favorite) or put it under his pillowcase, on his car seat or in his gym bag — how could your man not feel seen, wanted and even respected, even sexually, by you? And how could that not make this a very special Valentine’s Day?
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I will never forget when a husband once told me that the best thing that his wife ever did for him was present a set of flashcards that had nothing but positive adjectives to describe how she felt about him: “Women don’t get the power of their words sometimes. They really can build or kill.”
This Valentine’s Day, “build your man up” by letting him know, lovingly, what intimacy with him truly means to you. You never know how he will return the favor.
In my experience, when a man is celebrated in this way…it is oftentimes…TENFOLD.
In and out of the bedroom. #wink
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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