Imagine using all you've learned working a 9 to 5, taking a leap of faith into entrepreneurship, and finding success in working with major corporate clients—all before the age of 30.
This is Chelsea C. Hayes' reality. In 2014, she left corporate life behind to follow her dream of helping companies and everyday professionals use strategic communications to maximize success and sometimes resolve sticky situations.
The 28-year-old California native has been able to leverage her early career experience working in human resources for entities, such as GE and the Los Angeles Sparks, to launch her firm The Coaching Factory LLC, which boasts a client list that includes Eli Lilly, General Mills and NBC. Even Insecure actress Yvonne Orji has raved about her skills and glow up, and Hayes has since expanded her empire into coaching celebrities.
"My background is in corporate HR, so everything I do revolves around people. For such a long time HR was thought of as hiring and firing, but it's much more complex than that. It's very strategic," she said during an xoNecole interview. "HR is really about balancing the needs of an organization with balancing the needs of the incredible people within that organization. It's a really delicate balance and when you're good at it, people tell you. I've worked for some incredible women [in corporate diversity.]"
"I think in that process, I learned that whatever I did in life I wanted to revolve around people at work. That was the foundation."
Chelsea C. Hayes, SPHR CEO & Principal Consultant
Courtesy of Chelsea C. Hayes
Hayes' rep with communications also landed her a feature by The Hollywood Reporter, where she rewrote the infamous Steve Harvey memo that brought backlash to the popular radio and TV host and had everybody from The Breakfast Club to Jimmy Kimmel to CNN weighing in on his harshly-worded, post-show guidelines for staff. Hayes was able to share her nuanced version to better communicate the message without sparking offense or negative publicity.
Don't get it twisted though. Entrepreneurship wasn't always in the plan for her.
Post-college, she had great jobs and made a good living, something all college grads desire in order to cash in on their educational investments. Hayes had earned not one, but two bachelor's degrees, and was fortunate enough to get a headstart in building a pretty impressive resume. She practically stumbled upon launching her own business after getting a chance opportunity to lend a helping hand to a friend who was working on a project with the LAPD. This friend, who knew about her experience in the corporate world, thought her to be perfect for the opportunity. (Talk about the power of a great reputation and good relationships.)
"I thought I would never be an entrepreneur because math and science was really challenging for me," Hayes recalled. "That worked out fine because I had really amazing bosses, and I felt supported everywhere I worked. And then, [I participated in] the LAPD project. It was a really great experience for me. That was my first client—though I didn't know it at the time. Afterward, they were talking about me, and I said, 'Do you think I can use your logo on my website to get other clients?' and they said, 'Absolutely.' So that was how this business was started. Literally every single one of my clients has been word of mouth."
"To be honest, I think word of mouth is the strongest [way to market the] business that you have."
Hayes leads seminars and trainings on HR best practices, leadership, strategic communications and management skills. She also helps celebrities fine-tune their messages and presence to ensure they protect their reputations and don't end up on the wrong side of a scandal or in a PR nightmare.
"I love that it's my job to go into companies and have fun with people. Of course, it is my job to teach them, but people want to have fun. Any entrepreneur is selling an experience," she said. "[Coaching celebrities] one-on-one is fun because every single day is so different … Sometimes it can be as simple as writing an email that they're having a tough time writing, or it's helping them manage their team when someone is not performing correctly and giving them the language to make that happen."
Being a young boss can have its challenges, especially in a male-dominated world of high-earning executives and entertainers. Hayes is no stranger to assumptions about her abilities based on her age, but she likes to combat insecurities and doubts with humility and a commitment to excellence. Hayes keeps a smile and holds on to confidence in her own abilities in order to provide the best services and grow her business.
"You have to be comfortable in your own skin. I'm a woman, I'm black and Chinese, I'm from the Bay. I don't care and all those things add to who I am and they make me more of who I am. My clients respect that and they love that. For me, I approach every single opportunity and every client with a sense that, [yes,] I have this to offer, but I've learned from every one of my clients. They are wicked smart, they have so much going on, and every one inspires me. I think approaching it from that aspect and from that place of gratitude and learning—people can sense that and feel that."
"So when you're young, they'll probably tell you that they're feeling a way about that. It's not personal at all. You have to let your work speak for itself."
In mastering getting out of one's feelings and communicating in a way that is professional yet engaging and effective, Hayes has been able to use her own tricks of the trade to challenge herself and her clients. Building great relationships by knowing the power of emotional intelligence in both written and spoken communication has been a saving grace for Hayes. She offers the following advice for other young women who are seeking to do the same in reaching their business and career goals:
"Be sure about what you're really good at and be sure about where you need growth. Be positive about [those things] every morning when you walk in the door," Hayes advised. "[Also], think bout what you want long-term and don't be afraid to ask for it."
"I work with so many women who are so confident and have literally almost 20 years of work experience and they are struggling asking for what they deserve."
Lastly, Hayes stresses the importance of following the single most important rule most successful women follow: take emotion out of it. "Assume everything is on the record… It's OK to feel emotion— to feel tired, exhausted and frustrated. Those things are OK. If you can, get a team to write [a difficult memo] for you. If you don't have a team [right now], wait for the emotion to pass, give it some time, and then write [the email] again… I learned these things early in my career and they helped me tremendously."
For more of Chelsea, follow her on Instagram.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
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Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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