Help! My Partner And I Are Experiencing ‘Bed Death’
A dead bedroom can kill any relationship. In all long-term, committed relationships, couples experience various phases, from the initial passion to a more complex and enduring connection. Yet, as time passes, sex may decrease, which introduces an issue often referred to as "bed death."
According to Advance Psychology Partners, 'bed death' occurs when individuals in a committed relationship experience a decline in the frequency of sexual activity and fall short of the desires of both or either partner. It is sometimes labeled a "sexless relationship" due to the infrequency of sex. In the U.S., an estimated 20 million people find themselves in such relationships.
This shift is a significant change for couples. Let’s face it: no one wants to be in a sexless marriage or relationship. But how can couples effectively confront the impact of fading physical intimacy on the overall health of their enduring partnership?
"I have found that many factors influence one's desire to dive, and it is often not a majority of just one thing. Most people assume that if they don't desire [sex], they are no longer physically attracted, but in my experience, that has little to do with it most of the time," explained Brittanni Young, LMFT, CST.
"Some of the heavy contributors that I see most often include excessive goal orientation towards orgasm, people not prioritizing their own sexuality, and the landfill of ‘should’s’ that develop from toxic sexual scripts created long ago in upbringing," she added.
Furthermore, these issues are not exclusive to any particular orientation, but it does manifest differently.
Young is a licensed marriage and family therapist, sexologist, and board-certified sex therapist who practices in Georgia and Florida. She has worked in the sexology field for over a decade. Young helps couples and individuals looking to get through challenges of all facets facing sexuality and intimacy, such as desire mismatch, over-compulsion, and dysfunctions. She recently launched a deck of intimacy connection cards called "Show Me Your Cards." Young is working on another product that helps teach children to consent and negotiate appropriate touch. She sat down with xoNecole to discuss what causes the decline in the bedroom, the myth of 'lesbian bed death,' and recommendations on overcoming "bed death."
The Decline In Intimacy
Intimacy often dwindles within relationships, a phenomenon triggered by various factors such as stress, the insidious monotony of routine, and the toxicity of unresolved conflicts, to name a few. While couples manage daily life, exchanging intimate desires and concerns may take a backseat. Sadly, this gradually erodes the closeness once shared in the relationship.
"Typically, the first thing I do when working with a couple on desire challenges is rule out medical causes by referring them to their primary care physician or other provider they are working with," Young shared. "There are times when unmanaged or mismanaged conditions factor into low desire levels. Also, many medications can wreak havoc on keeping desire levels up, such as antidepressants, SSRIs, anti-anxiety, and blood pressure medications, to name a few."
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"Next, I look at the state of the relationship. If there is dissatisfaction in the relationship, then it definitely affects how close and intimate one wants to be to another. There are also plenty of individual factors one can bring into the equation, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of shame or guilt around one's own sexuality, and external life stressors that can get in the way. I find that life stressors can be a big one for folks, as once you get in the habit of not prioritizing sex, it tends to stick," she added.
Fortunately, there are ways to prevent "bed death." It can involve prioritizing your wants and open communication about sexual needs.
"What tends to be effective for all couples is taking an inventory of how satisfied they are with their sexual behaviors and engagement. Being truthful in this vein can be the start of unlocking inhibitions that can keep you from seeking out and being genuinely vulnerable in intimate spaces," Young explained. "Next, I suggest opening up lines of communication around these truths. When people assume that nothing can be done, hope is lost."
The Myth Of 'Lesbian Bed Death'
The notion of "lesbian bed death" perpetuates a simplistic and inaccurate stereotype about the sexual dynamics within lesbian relationships. Contrary to the myth, the experience of a decline in intimacy is not universal among lesbian couples. The diverse spectrum of relationships among women challenges this oversimplified narrative, emphasizing that the complexities of sexual dynamics extend beyond stereotypical assumptions.
"The notion of 'lesbian bed death' is based on a research study done by Pepper Schwartz in 1983 that found that lesbian couplings fell behind in sexual frequency compared to heterosexual and gay male couplings," Young revealed.
"Several other studies [after] have replicated these findings but give very little information about sexual satisfaction. Despite there being more research needed overall in the sexuality field, more recent research did find that when it comes to the length of sexual encounters, lesbian couples had the longest duration of encounters. To that end, sexual quality over quantity is a better marker of satisfaction, and that is what I pay most attention to in my work. With that said, dissatisfaction can happen in all couplings over time," the sexologist continued.
Factors influencing reduced intimacy among lesbian couples may include communication challenges, societal pressures, and individual variations in libido. Menstruation can also play a role, with some couples navigating discomfort or hormonal changes during this period.
"There are certainly some nuances that come into play with lesbian couples that differ from heterosexual or other-oriented couples. As I stated earlier, physiological factors can factor into the rise and fall of libido. The hormone fluctuations that come from menstruation and menopause can impact desire levels, and it is double present in lesbian couples. Another nuance is the lack of a sexual script from society on lesbian sexual behavior. There are patriarchal roots to sexual research, which have created our societal norms that tend to leave out anyone who isn't heterosexual," Young stated.
Overcoming The Challenges
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While 'bed death' challenges couples, solutions are within reach. By identifying and addressing the underlying causes, couples can rekindle the flame of intimacy and ensure a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
"In the words of Esther Perel, another sexual professional in the field, 'love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.' I recommend keeping it in the front of your mind, prioritizing, and keeping it interesting. Be open to learning more about your own sexuality every day, as well as your partner. You are always growing; what worked for you 20 years ago may not be the same today. Stay curious with one another and be open to exploring new ways to pleasure. You deserve it," Young said.
For instance, Young advised that couples should "keep sexual encounters light and playful." And not be afraid to introduce new elements, such as toys.
"Touch often in ways that are consensual and feel safe! I made 'Show Me Your Cards' to serve this purpose specifically. Just because you do not feel in the mood to go all the way does not mean you aren't in the mood to hold hands, exchange body massages, or dance together. Connecting often in any physical form, as long as it feels pleasurable, still counts as 'being in the mood,'" she said.
Overcoming the hurdles of "bed death" and debunking myths surrounding 'lesbian bed death' offers a unique perspective for couples grappling with the difficulties of sustaining a connection. Learning the proper ways to work through a sexless relationship can help foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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This Luxe Hotel Made My First Time In Memphis The Perfect Vacay
Memphis is one of those cities where, when you visit, you instantly feel its soul. The southern metropolitan, nicknamed Bluff City, is located right on the banks of the “mighty” Mississippi River. It is the headquarters for some major companies, such as FedEx and AutoZone, and it is home to St. Jude Hospital and the world-famous Beale Street. Conveniently placed near the action are Hyatt Centric Beale Street and Caption by Hyatt Beale Street. These sister hotels, which are connected, have a lot to offer guests, especially those who are visiting Memphis for the first time, such as myself.
Hyatt Centric Beale Street Memphis
Hyatt Centric Beale Street Memphis rooftop bar Beck & Call
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Sitting along the Mississippi River, both hotels offer breathtaking water views from the rooms, and Hyatt Centric’s rooftop whiskey lounge, Beck & Call, which is the city’s only riverfront rooftop bar, captures expansive views of both the river and the Memphis skyline. Grab a cocktail and take in the beautiful sites Memphis has to offer or enjoy the light show the Hernando de Soto Bridge, aka the “M” Bridge, has every night. On Fridays, guests can unwind and listen to live music.
Hyatt Centric also has CIMAS Lobby Lounge, which provides breakfast bites in the morning and cocktails in the afternoon and evening. CIMAS restaurant has a delectable menu that includes Latin-infused dishes for breakfast and lunch. Other amenities include room service, an outdoor pool with a cabana and poolside dining, a concierge, a fitness center, and more. My room was comfortable and the perfect place to unwind after a full day of exploring the city. I even had a view of the river.
Caption by Hyatt Beale Street Memphis
Caption by Hyatt Beale Street Memphis
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While I didn’t stay at Caption by Hyatt Beale Street Memphis, I did frequent its coffee shop/eatery called Talk Shop. Talk Shop is a laidback hangout spot that encourages community among its locals through its events like Blues & Brews and everyday activities like work (for all the remote workers) or meeting a friend for coffee or a cocktail in its beer garden. Its menu is full of variety, having everything from soft pretzels to BBQ pork sandwiches.
Caption by Hyatt Beale Street Memphis is built into the historic Wm. C Ellis & Sons Ironworks and Machine Shop building. Everywhere you look, you are reminded of its history due to the building’s industrial charm. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t modern. The rooms are colorful and incorporate a lot of iron rods into the design, a nod to the ironworks building.
What is the Difference Between Hyatt Centric Beale Street Memphis and Caption by Hyatt Beale Street Memphis?
Caption by Hyatt Beale Street's Talk Shop and Beer Garden
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If you’re looking for more luxury or traveling with family, then Hyatt Centric might be the better option for you. If simplicity and vibrancy are key, then you may prefer to stay at Hyatt Centric’s sister hotel, Caption by Hyatt. Either way, you can’t lose.
Memphis Attractions
Beale Street sign
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Both hotels are walkable to all the city’s attractions, but of course, I have to start with the iconic Beale Street. Beale Street is where blues orginated and it is one of Memphis’ most popular places for tourists. Walking down Beale Street, you are quickly transported into another world, especially at night. Lights fill the streets as an array of restaurants and bars entice guests with its electrifying music. If you enjoy live music, B.B. King’s Blues Club is the place to go. The restaurant was created by the legendary singer B.B. King, who got his start in blues performing on Beale Street.
BBQ Chicken Nachos at Rendezvous
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As revered as Beale Street is, it's not the only spot in town to find good food and a good vibe. For breakfast, take a quick ride to Sunrise Memphis and take your pick from the mouthwatering biscuits on its menu. If BBQ is your thing, then you are in the right spot. Memphis is known for its BBQ, and Rendezvous is one of the city’s best BBQ joints. The highlight for me is the BBQ chicken nachos, which is a Memphis stable. If you’re looking for fine dining, then Amelia Gene’s is a must. The food is exquisite as it serves food pairings that are unique and full of flavor. I especially love the food presentations of each dish, which adds to the restaurant’s ambiance.
Amelia Gene's
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Other walkable attractions are the National Civil Rights Museum, the Blues Hall of Fame, and the Orpheum Theater. The National Civil Rights Museum is located at the Lorraine Motel, which is where Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was killed. However, the motel has become a memorial for Dr. King as well as the work that many historical figures have done over the years, specifically during the civil rights movement.
The Blues Hall of Fame is near the National Civil Rights Museum, and it features exhibits dedicated to blues artists and culture. It has over 400 inductees and focuses on the history and achievements of each one. The Orpheum Theater is across the street from the hotels, and it is one of Memphis’ treasured venues. Its opulence is displayed inside and out as it stands at the intersection of Main St. and Beale St. As you walk in, you are greeted by a grand staircase and crystal chandeliers hanging above.
The Orpheum Theater
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Touring the theater, you see its beauty, but like many southern businesses that have been around for generations, you also learn about the segregated history. Walking around to the side of the building, there’s a “colored entrance” that was used during segregation. You can even watch a video from people who grew up during that era as they each reflected on their experiences of going to the theater. Many cited all of the steps that they had to take to get to the balcony, which was the only area Blacks were allowed to sit.
Issac Hayes 24k gold Cadillac in Stax Museum
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If you want to take a ride around the city, then hop on the Memphis Mojo tour. This bus tour stops at many landmarks, including Sun Studios, where Elvis Pressley and other artists recorded music. Or you can explore on foot by visiting all the haunted properities on the Memphis Ghost Tour. But we all know Memphis is known for blues, so I can’t end the story without mentioning Stax Museum.
The museum is named after Stax Records, which was a record label based in Memphis that housed a number of talented musicians like soul singer Otis Redding and Grammy award-winning artist Issac Hayes. What makes this museum exciting is that it showcases a variety of photos, records, costumes, and more from the artists on the label. But the highlight was Issac’s 24k gold Cadillac, which was put on full display.
Memphis is a charming city with a rich history and tons of activities for solo travelers, friend groups, and even families. So why not add it to your travel bucket list? By staying at one of the sister properties, Hyatt Centric Beale Street Memphis and Caption by Hyatt Beale Street Memphis, you will be surrounded by everything you need.
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