

Many of us are no stranger to one of the most soul-snatching, obnoxiously annoying, end-of-the-world chambers of career hell: the survival job.
Signs of a struggle job include it being totally out of the realm of your calling, beneath you intellectually and financially, or just a total bore.
When I first set off to freelance and consult full-time, I had on rose-colored glasses, especially since---after just one month on my own---I'd landed a project that covered my everyday living expenses, and another gig that took me to Africa. I thought I was set.
Then I hit a wall: things began to dry up.
I had to downsize and I found myself with barely enough cash to maintain my used car and keep my Wifi and cell phone on. Add to that a medical issue that was a major financial kill-joy, putting my footloose and fancy-free freelance adventures on indefinite standby.
To offset my freelance endeavors being on hold indefinitely, I decided to take an entry-level job in customer service. It was one that had flexible hours, was quite monotonous, and afforded me the awesome opportunity to get cussed out by angry grannies at least four times a week.
It paid a whopping $10 an hour for using my amazing communications skills I'd honed as a journalist interviewing the who's who of Hollywood and business, to master the art of repeating, "Thank you for calling..." or "I'm so sorry that happened. How may I assist you?" at least 50 times a day. I hadn't made less than $30 an hour since high school, and for a college-educated chick who started out freelancing in NYC for $50 an hour, I felt like a total failure.
I knew I had to boss up no matter the circumstance or the pay, and that my mental health and career advancement depended on it, so I put the tears and anger away and did the following:
I visualized where I wanted to be instead of focusing on where I was.
Goal-setting is super-liberating. I set how long I'd do the job, how much I wanted to save, and when I'd (respectfully) chuck my supervisor the deuces. I focused so much on the bigger picture that even when an angry customer called in berating me as if I'd murdered their mama or dog, I'd think about why I took the job in the first place, remind myself that it wasn't the end-all-be-all, and respond with compassion.
I related and became more present with others I worked with.
To be honest, I had a Moses-tablet-sized chip on my shoulder that read, "This job is beneath me. I'm a college-educated, accomplished journalist, not a robot who answers calls all day."
The arrogance was toxic and isolating. I began to open up and chat with fellow coworkers, many of whom were just like me, simply trying to supplement their incomes to reach a goal. There was a single mom who knew how to finesse several part-time jobs, juggle her home obligations, and handle payroll and tax issues. There was a savvy law student who was quick on his feet and great on the phones even after having issues with his hoopty or studying all night for an exam. I also met others who loved customer service and retail and had made great long-term careers out of being stellar problem-solvers, mentors, trainers, and financial systems experts.
I wrote down what I learned and applied those lessons to advance my freelance and client work.
Hey, it takes a level-headed, intuitive, and resourceful person to successfully resolve customer service issues in a timely fashion---especially when customers are calling from all over country, have a variety of issues, and very little patience. Having that job was like getting free anger-management therapy. Keeping my cool with someone who's quite pissed off about a delayed wedding or birthday gift, a duplicate or fraudulent credit card charge, or a massive account debt was a requirement in keeping said job and getting great quality scoring.
I got better in my interactions with prospective clients and current editors, and I was also able to learn more about how credit cards are processed and approved and how to resolve issues related to payment plans, debt, and fraud---very vital skills for a budding businesswoman.
A survival job, whatever that means for you, should be the stepping stone to where you want to be.
I had to pull up my big-girl panties and remind myself to treat all experiences in my career journey with compassion, humility, and shrewd, focused intention.
If you have a boss mentality, your time is valuable. Maximize it and make that survival job work for you. Not the other way around.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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6 Tabletop Sex Positions That'll Unlock You & Bae's Most Primal Desires
Something I will never tire of is finding new ways to bring new layers to intimacy. A wall you use as momentum, a bathroom sink to help you keep your balance as he worships you on his knees, a shower that is usually for cleansing but evolves into a sacred ritual of shared intimacy.
My favorite kind of sex is the kind of sex that prioritizes pleasure and connection. So, technically and thankfully, I can say most of my sex life has been quite pleasurable throughout the years. But the memorable encounters for sure take the cake. One such encounter actually took place on a kitchen counter, and with it unleashed inhibitions in ways I never anticipated while unlocking levels to top-tier sex. And that, that involved a kitchen counter.
Why Kitchen Counter Sex Just Hits Different
What is it about having your hips pressed into the edge of a kitchen counter that lets out something so primal in you? The cool-to-the-touch feel of the countertop against exposed skin as you rise to meet him again and again. The urgency in every movement. The playfulness of repurposing an everyday space for something far more erotic. If you’re looking to bring that energy into your own sex life, keep reading for positions and tips to explore.
1. The Bounce House
They don’t call it Bounce House for nothing. In this position, the penetrating partner lies flat on their back on a sturdy table or counter while the receiving partner straddles them, knees bent and facing away. With their hands gripping the edge of the surface for support, the receiving partner slides or bounces at their own pace, owning the rhythm, the motion, and the view.
According to sex therapist Michael Aaron, Ph.D., who spoke with Women’s Health, the receiving partner placing their legs between their partner’s creates a tighter sensation, while staying fully astride allows for more bounce and range of motion. Either way, this one puts the receiver in full control, and you know we love a good woman on top position. Pleasure and power? Say less.
2. The Bicycle
Well, you know what they say about riding a bike. In the case of this table top position, it's the receiving partner who is the rider...but not in the way you think. While lying back on a sturdy surface or a table, the receiver will bring their knees toward their chest, bending them as if in a cycling motion. The penetrating partner stands at the edge of the surface, grabbing the receiver's ankles, and guides themselves inside, slowly so as to savor the moment. This angle puts everything on display for the penetrating partner while allowing for deep, connected thrusting for the receiver.
To take things up a notch , the receiving partner can touch themselves or flex their thighs to control the depth or the rhythm. Because, who says only one person gets to have control?
3. Counter Offer
How could we be at the table and not use it to eat? Enter: Counter Offer. In this oral-focused sex position, the receiving partner perches on the edge of a counter or table, lying back or sitting upright with legs parted or bent for comfort. The penetrating partner kneels or stands between their thighs, depending on the setup and the kind of attention they’re ready to give. No doubt, this one’s all about access and intention.
With the vulva front and center, the height makes it easier to maintain eye contact, use hands freely for things like breast play or incorporating toys, and take their time with every moan-inducing taste. And that’s on five, six, seven, ATE.
4. Standing Doggy
Standing Doggy is what happens when a classic like doggy style gets an upgrade. Instead of being on all fours on a bed, the receiving partner bends over a hard surface like a table or counter, keeping their hips aligned at its edge. The penetrating partner stands behind and enters from the back, using the angle to go deeper and create a strong, steady rhythm. This one offers maximum control and visual appeal, especially if the penetrating partner reaches around for a little extra clitoral stimulation throughout thrusting.
This angle can get intense quickly, so bonus points if the receiving partner engages their pelvic floor muscles or shifts their weight to adjust how the pressure hits, especially if your goal is to hit that G-spot sweet spot.
5. Top Shelf
Men's Healthcalls this one "Yourself on the Shelf," but we like to call it "Top Shelf" because it's giving full view, full grip, and climax potential that's hard to top. The receiving partner sits on the edge of a sturdy table or counter while the penetrating partner stands in front of them and slowly slides in, thrusting while keeping them in position. From there, legs can wrap around their waist, arms can encircle their back, and the closeness at peak ecstasy? Chef's kiss.
If you have the core strength, add lifting to the menu for the final strokes leading to orgasm. Otherwise, allow the surface to the heavy lifting and enjoy the pleasure.
6. The Thumper
What better way to remind yourself that you're both the snack and the entrée than with a little tableside service courtesy of The Thumper? This position has the receiving partner kneeling on a sturdy table or counter (keyword: sturdy), hands gripping the edge or braced in front for support. The penetrating partner can then either kneel behind them (if there's room for two), or stay anchored on the ground with both feet planted on the floor (similar to the previously mentioned Standing Doggy). It all depends on the mood.
Kneeling on the table offers just the right amount of leverage for deep, steady strokes. The receiving partner can play with tightness by either keeping their knees closer together for a snug grip, or open their knees wider to invite more access, depth, and stretch. The Thumper is versatile that way, and the most important thing? The receiver gets to be the main course. Yum.
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