It was right around this time last year (give or take a few weeks) that The New York Times published an article entitled, “To Enjoy Life More, Embrace Anticipation.” The gist of it is, if you want to improve your overall mood, increase your energy levels, and make you feel more excited by whatever is transpiring in the present — give yourself some things to look forward to in the future; the sooner the better too.
And since sex and relationships are very much so my lane, you already know where my mind went: if getting hype about what’s to come will ultimately make an experience better, why not provide y’all some sex-themed ways to cultivate anticipation between you and your bae during the day, so that sex will be even that much more mind-blowing at night — hell, hopefully, tonight?
1. Tell Him Something That You Miss About Him — Right After He Leaves
GiphyWho doesn’t want to be missed, right? Yet oftentimes, when you’ve been in a long-term relationship for a while (especially if you live with the person), it may never cross your mind to express it. I mean, if you deal with them on a constant basis, what possibly could you miss? Yeah, but watch this, though — no one gets the totality of an individual 24/7, especially when it comes to sex. What I mean by that is, if you’ve got a partner who is absolutely awesome to you and the sex is bomb to boot? Even if it’s only been three days since the last time you got some, there is gonna be some point in your day when you stop to think about how that man hit that spot, just right, and it’s going to cause you to shake your head, quiver…something.
Instead of keeping that thought to yourself, tell him what you enjoy about those moments; then let him know that you miss him to the point where you can’t wait to experience it with him again. I’ve been working with couples for a long time, y’all, and if there’s one thing that men tell me often is that they wish that their partners would tell them that they love them, desire them, and miss them more often.
That said, don’t wait until the end of the day either. Do it within 10 minutes of him walking out of the door in the morning. If it doesn’t make him turn right back around and give you some morning sex, it will definitely keep you on his mind, on a more amplified level, throughout the rest of the day. I can just about guarantee it.
2. Surprise Him with an Aphrodisiac-Themed Lunch
GiphyI don’t think it will come as a shocker to most of y’all that around 62 percent of people take their lunch break at their desk (if they take one at all). If you add to that the fact that a lot of us work remotely, which makes us work longer and harder instead of smarter (SMDH), it’s no wonder that so many articles out in cyberspace say that it’s essential that we take our lunch breaks in order to rest, rejuvenate and even recalibrate a bit.
You shouldn’t want your man to go to a drive-thru when there are healthier options — like homemade meals. That said, some foods that are considered to be bona fide aphrodisiacs include avocados, asparagus, basil, dark chocolate, cloves, sage, watermelon, honey, pistachios, apples, red wine, and beef. So, sometime this week, make your man lunch and add some aphrodisiac foods in there along with a note that simply says (something along the lines of), “So…you know these are aphrodisiacs, right?”. I’m thinking that he’ll immediately get the hint. #wink
3. Sext Him Some Sexual Questions
GiphySomething that my clients can vouch for when it comes to something that I advise just about all of them to do is get clarity from their partner by presenting things in question form. Questions get people off of the defensive. Questions help your tone to soften during your delivery. Questions make other people feel like we want to get to know them over, assuming that we already do (P.S. You will never know all that there is to know about something because humans are forever evolving). Questions can also arouse the imagination.
When was the last time that you asked your partner some sexual questions? Like what their current favorite fantasy is? What’s something that really turns them on that they wish you would do more often? Where would they like to have sex that the two of you never have before? What would they like to try that they thought you would be too scared to attempt? What’s the best orgasm they’ve had since the two of you have been together?
There is a win/win that comes with this line of inquiry: your partner can reflect on things that will arouse them, and you can learn more about how to keep that kind of energy going once you’re back in each other’s presence. Yeah, text or email him a few questions. Be prepared for him to ask you a few in his replies, too.
4. Send Him a Favorite Sex Song
GiphyA few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Before You Pull Out Your Playlist, This Is How Music Affects Your Sex Life.” When you get a chance, check it out. There are quite a few studies out there that support just how much music impacts us. When it comes to sex, specifically, one thing that science has revealed is the kind of music that we listen to can actually determine the type of sex that we end up having. For instance, believe it or not, people who listen to blues, jazz, and country reported being sexually satisfied more than anyone else — so, if that’s you and your partner’s thing, send them one of your favorites from those lanes.
Something else to take note of is the fact that music has a way of spontaneously bringing certain memories to mind, not just the memory itself but certain details that you might not recall otherwise. And so, think about a song (or two or a complete playlist) that always gets you in the mood — or even better, a song that is connected to a memory of some of the best sex that you and your boo has ever had with no context. Then wait to see how he responds. If it’s a sex-themed emoji, perfect. If it’s a “what’s this?” — expound. Just as graphically as you possibly can, by the way. Then, turn that memory into a present-day experience that tops it. #whewchile
5. Then Send Him a Pic of a New Sex Position
GiphyAlthough we typically only hear the word “resolution” whenever the top of the year rolls around, at the end of the day, a resolution is simply an expressed intention. That’s why I write articles like “10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make” because if we’re all doing this life thing right, every day should be seen as an opportunity to make a fresh start. Therefore, when it comes to sex, one way to do that is to learn some new sex positions.
A book that can help you out is 365 Sex Positions: A New Way Every Day for a Steamy, Erotic Year (yep, you read that right!). While you’re waiting for your order to arrive, there are 100 sex positions (complete with illustrations) that you can check out here. Just imagine how your man will feel if you send a “Hey, how about this tonight?” message out of the blue. C’mon now.
6. Do a Random “Moan” Call
GiphyI once read an article that said a part of the reason why making noises during sex is beneficial is if they are genuine (meaning, if you’re not faking it), it can let your partner know that you’re not indifferent to what is transpiring — that you are actually present and totally in the moment with them.
And so, when I unofficially polled some men about what they liked about moans during copulation, one thing that stood out to me was a guy who said that it’s a sound that causes a woman to sound her most feminine and seductive at the same time.
So, think about it: in the middle of a busy work day, what man wouldn’t want to receive a random call from his lady on the other line bringing him into her energy by providing a sound effect that’s reminiscent of some of his favorite times with her? Listen, if you want that man of yours to rush home after work, invest in a 30-second call that consists of softly moaning his name. You’ll be amazed by how much of an impact that it makes — on you both.
7. Offer Up a (New) Safe Word
GiphyPeople who really like to be adventurous when it comes to sex will sometimes come up with a safe word. If you’re not familiar, it’s a word that lets your partner know when you may be about to be pushed to your limit and you need to either pause or stop completely. The reason why I think this is another sexy anticipation hack is because sending your man a message that says something along the lines of “Hey babe, how about this being our new safe word for tonight?” — subtly yet not so subtly conveys the message that you’re down for getting out of missionary style and trying something new; something on his sex bucket list that you’ve been putting off, perhaps? Hmm…
8. Have a Sexual “Inside Joke” Delivered to His Job
GiphyOkay, what I mean here is share something that only the two of you would understand — maybe a type of mint that you tried once when you were performing fellatio on him or a sexual condiment that is your favorite whenever he goes down on you; if it’s a tangible item and it can be incognito, have it delivered to his job (or leave it in his car before he goes to work). Or, it could be an actual joke of some sort because if you’ve heard that a good sense of humor is something that both men and women find to be a top-tier trait when it comes to attraction, take that to heart; it is indeed the truth.
And when you add to that the fact that a good joke or laugh, even if it’s got some sexual undertones to it, can lead to less stress, more intimacy, and more creativity in the bedroom (which studies have also revealed) — why not shoot an inside joke that is hella sexy his way?
9. Reenergize Him with Some (Brief) Sexual Meditation
GiphyEven though a lot of people reserve meditating for when they’re not at the office, there can be benefits for taking 5-10 minutes out of your day to recenter, deep breathe, and relax a bit. It can help to reenergize you. It can release some of the stress that you may be storing up. It can also ultimately make you more productive — and when it’s a lightweight form of sexual meditation, it can get you into a space of feeling closer to your partner and desiring them (more). Although orgasmic meditation (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”) encourages climaxing, choose to see sexual meditation as the “foreplay” of it.
You can simply FaceTime or Google Chat your partner, look them in the eyes, and ask them to deep breathe with you after you sexually affirm one another in some way. Or you can shoot them a link to a sexual meditation exercise (like this one here or this one here), and you listen to some of it together while you’re both on a break. Just connecting and being in the moment with each other can increase your libido in ways that you wouldn’t imagine.
10. Tell Him Something That You Want to Do to Him Before He Comes Home
GiphyThere is nothing like the last two hours or so of a work day. Even on the best day, when you look up at the clock and realize that you’ve still got quite a bit of time before you can be up outta your office, it can be tempting to completely get ghost without finishing up the tasks that are on your plate. I’m pretty sure that your partner feels the same way, so…provide him with some motivation by texting or calling him towards the end of the day to express exactly what you want to do to him as soon as he gets home. Don’t forget to ask him what he wants to do to you as well.
Just make sure to also tell him to drive safely as he tries to get to you — because if anything will get a man to speeding…it’s knowing that there is some good-good waiting for him as soon as he hits the door. Have fun — building the anticipation and then reaping the oh, so very sweet rewards!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
1. Go All Out with the Christmas Décor
GiphyThere is someone I know who is so obsessed with Christmas, she’s damn near annoying-borderline-terrifying. I’m. Not. Kidding. Yet hey, if you’re going to do a holiday-themed staycation (emphasis on “holiday-themed”), that’s kind of how you’ve got to be. Some décor ideas include:
- A fresh Christmas tree (is the most ideal) that is ultimately decorated
- Wreaths on outside and inside doors
- Garland (with twinkle lights) in predictable and unpredictable places
- Poinsettias
- Mistletoes
- Snow globes
- A stocking (with some of your favorite things in it)
- Fake snow
- Stars
- Angels
- Candy canes
- A BLACK Santa (LOL)
I mean, since you are going to be spending a lot of time at home, it can feel like a mini-winter wonderland if you are intentional about doing more decorating to your living space than you ever have before!
2. Buy a Couple of Christmas-Themed PJs
GiphyWhile I was doing some research on a totally different topic, I happened upon an article that talked about the psychology behind why we should be intentional about what we wear to bed. When you stop to think about the fact that (hopefully) you are sleeping somewhere between 6-8 hours every night, it would make sense that things like the color and fabric of your sleepwear would have a real impact on you — even subconsciously.
Well, when it comes to Christmas décor, specifically, not only does it take you back to nostalgic memories, it can also boost your moods. So, aside from being on-10 with your Christmas décor, also invest in some Christmas-themed PJs. Since you’re going to be doing a lot of lounging around (RIGHT?), do it in something that makes you think about all of your favorite things about this time of year.
3. Cop Some Christmas-Scented Candles
GiphyThere really is no telling how many articles that I’ve written where I am singing the praises of scented soy candles. Candles are soothing, comforting and a very easy way to reduce stress. Also, since it gets darker quicker and for a longer period of time around this time of the year, candles provide a relaxing vibe to your home. Since it is Christmastime, go with scents that are reminiscent of the season:
- Cinnamon
- Vanilla
- Cranberry
- Apple
- Pine
- Frankincense and Myrrh
- Peppermint
- Cashmere
- Ginger(bread)
- Orange
- Sugar Cookies
- Sandalwood
- Cloves
- Cedarwood
- (Hot) Chocolate
Personally, one of my favorite candle companies is Goose Creek. Their signature collections will have your entire house smelling like a high-end bakery. No exaggeration.
4. Play Some Winter-Themed ASMR Sounds
GiphyI’m from Nebraska and my mother was a New Yorker. So, if there is one thing that I like, it’s seasons and that includes snow during wintertime. Unfortunately, Nashville is cray-cray when it comes to that. If, where you live, the weather is all over the place too (which is why I think it’s insane that some people still give pushback to global warming) and you would like for it to at least seem like you are in your own winter wonderland — invest in some fake snow to strategically place around your home.
Oh, and don’t forget to turn on some winter-themed ASMR sounds too. YouTube has videos that run for hours on end that feature blizzards and howling winds that really can make you feel like you are in the midst of an ice storm.
5. Host a Holiday Movie Marathon
GiphyOne thing to remember about a staycation is it doesn’t mean that you have to be alone or that the only people who can participate are the ones who live with you. Since a staycation is simply about staying close to home instead of traveling afar — absolutely consider having some of your favorite people over for a holiday-themed movie marathon. Shoot, Black America Web even did you a solid by publishing “25 Best Black Christmas Movies Of All Time;” plus, Tubi has a Black holiday hits section of indie films too.
Oh, and make sure to get creative with the Christmas-themed snacks. Some ideas? Some Kentucky-fried turkey tenders with cranberry hot sauce (recipe here), some Holiday Hot Spinach Dip (recipe here), some Grinch Kabobs (recipe here), some roasted pecans (recipe here) and some Pomegranate Guacamole (recipe here).
6. Spend a Night (or Two) at a Hotel or Vacation House
GiphyJust like you don’t have to be alone during a staycation, you also don’t have to be cooped up in your house the entire time. Get a change of scenery in your own city by spending the night in a hotel that you’ve always wanted to try out or renting a vacation house for you and some of your folks to hang out in during the time between Christmas and New Year’s Day. I have a “love little sister” who does this randomly when she needs a break from her work as a therapist. She says that it’s damn near like taking a trip (and she has PLENTY of passport stamps; trust me).
7. Have Brunch or Dinner at a Christmas-Themed Restaurant
GiphyIf nothing puts a bigger smile on your face than the thought of DoorDashing meals and barely even touching your stove during your staycation — hey, I am right there with you. Do consider going out to brunch or dinner during your chill time, though. It’s another way to bond with people and create some current holiday memories. And if you’ve got a bae and you opt for dinner, it can be a wonderful type of Christmas-themed date.
8. Go to a Holiday-Themed Concert
GiphyBeing that I got my start as an entertainment writer, hear me when I say that I’m not someone who just has to go to a live concert every chance that I get. Oh, but baby, when I saw that El DeBarge was doing a City Winery tour and he was going to be here right before Christmas — I booked myself a ticket quick, fast and in a super-duper hurry! Shoot, I didn’t even want to go with someone because I plan to give him and that falsetto voice of his my complete and undivided attention. LOL.
I don’t know what it is about the holiday season that makes live music that much more enjoyable — but if there is a concert that features one of your favorite artists happening right through here, consider that to be a cool way to “tour your city” while cultivating a really awesome memory at the same time.
9. Also, Go Ice Skating
GiphyOne of my fondest memories of time with my father is going ice skating. We actually would do it in the summer (because that is when I would visit him) and, every year, he would get me a new ice skating outfit. Even now, when I watch someone ice skate (even in movies; like in the classic movie Garden State), I will have warm fuzzies.
Anyway, if you’ve never been before, go. If it’s been forever since you have, also go. There is something that is very sweet and so signature Christmas about it. Plus, it’s a top-tier form of exercise.
10. Take a Christmas Lights Tour
GiphyAnother one of my favorite Christmas memories is driving through neighborhoods and looking at the Christmas lights. And just like a Christmas concert can be a form of hometown touring, so can doing this if you decide to choose a couple of areas where you’ve never really been or rarely frequent.
Now are you excited about the thought of experiencing a holiday-themed staycation?
I thought you would be. ENJOY!
Featured image by Shutterstock