So, I've got this male friend, right? Ever since we've known each other, his sex drive has been totally through the roof. During his teens, 20s, 30s and now 40s, he can easily have sex, a couple of times a day, every single day. When he's not able to do that, he's masturbating. While you might be tempted to think that he's got a closet sex addiction, he's done some self-work to see if that is indeed the case. From what his assessments have revealed, he doesn't seem to be (I worked with a porn ministry for almost a decade; I would agree). Yes, his testosterone levels continue to be quite high (which plays a big part in how often someone wants to have sex…or not).
However, the reality is that there are some people who simply and naturally have higher drives than others. It's not that anything is "wrong" with them; it's just the way that it is.
And just how can you know if you—or your partner—happens to be someone who falls into the "high sex drive" demographic? While there are plenty of layers to that question, I'll try and do a bit of an intro course so that you can gain more clarity in this particular area. Just so you can be confident in the fact that a high sex drive is all good while also recognizing the signs when you might want to take what's going on within you a little more seriously.
How Do You Know If Your Sex Drive Is High? If So, What Causes a High Sex Drive?
Let's start with the question that you're probably the most curious about. When it comes to whether your drive is normal or high, that kind of depends on the person. Probably the best way to explain it is, if you are in a relationship and you're having sex at least once a week (or four times a month), your drive is pretty normal. At the same time, desiring to have it more often than that can still be considered normal too. There are some couples I work with who get it on and in 3-4 times a week, easily. When things start to enter into super high territory is when, no matter how much sex you have, you can never really be fully satisfied—not just mentally but physically too.
What contributes to someone actually feeling this way? Many things. We already touched on one of them, which is high testosterone (or dopamine) levels (also, when a woman is ovulating, her sexual appetite can be insatiable because her hormone levels are surging). Beyond that, if you're someone who exercises and/or eats a lot of healthy carbs, that can also cause you to have a high sex drive because working out and consuming certain foods automatically creates more energy in the body. Other things that can boost your libido levels is your cortisol (stress hormone) levels being on the lower end, you not being on the pill (the pill can do a real number on your drive, if you're not careful), you having a high sense of sexual self-confidence and/or loving your body and, you being in a healthy relationship. Another thing to keep in mind is people who get no less than 6-8 hours of sleep every night also tend to have a higher sex drive than others because healthy sleep patterns support hormonal balance, especially in women.
If you're able to check one or more of these boxes and your sex drive does seem to be pretty off the charts, is it something to be worried about? No. So long as you're able to function normally (meaning, you are able to do your daily tasks without your libido distracting you), sex is not something that you run to in order to "get away from" other stuff that may be going on and sex itself makes you feel more peaceful than agitated (meaning, once you're done, you feel better rather than worse), whether you're doing it every day, every other day, or a few times a month, do you, chile. Do you.
How Do I Know If My Sex Drive Is Low? And If So, What Causes It?
The next question you might have is probably, so how do you know if your libido is low? In some ways, this also depends on the individual. However, some telling signs that apply across the board include having absolutely no interest in sex whatsoever or never really even thinking about sex at all. If that is the case, you should reflect on things like the kind of medication you may be on (antidepressants and ones that lower your blood pressure can definitely work against your drive); if you smoke or drink a lot (more than 1-2 glasses of wine a day can totally work against you); if you have arthritis, diabetes or heart disease; if you're pregnant or breastfeeding (both can put your hormones totally through it); if you've had a recent surgery; menopause (which decreases testosterone and estrogen levels in your system) and plain ole' fatigue. From a mental perspective, two other factors to keep in mind are if you are currently battling with depression or anxiety whether it's due to a hormonal imbalance or trauma; they also can directly affect your libido levels.
If any of these resonate with you, it's important to make an appointment, first with your physician to see if what is going on with you is physical. Then, if all checks out, make it a priority to speak with a reputable counselor, therapist or life coach. While it is normal for libidos to slightly decrease with age, a healthy and consistent sex life does not discriminate. You deserve to have one. If you're not, you deserve to figure out what the deal is.
What Are the Signs That Your Sex Drive Is Getting Out of Control?
Although I've already touched on this a bit, now that you know a little more of what directly contributes to a high and low libido, it's important to keep in mind that, even if you are "blessed" with having a high sex drive, there is such a notion as too much of a good thing. What I mean by that is, sex addiction is very real (if you're curious if you possibly could be one, you can take a quick quiz here). Also, it's important for me to reiterate that some people don't enjoy sex so much as they use it as a coping mechanism for stress or being unable to effectively handle challenges and problems (or because they can't seem to get a grip on feelings of loneliness). Some other things that can be directly attributed to a sex drive that is out of control is bipolar disorder (due to feelings of mania) and even dementia (because you're not always in control of your mental faculties).
Like I said at the top of this, defining a high sex drive is not as cut-and-dry as some of us would probably like it to be. What I would say is keep in mind that "high" and "out of control" are two totally different things. If you do consider yourself to be in the high category, so long as you're fulfilled, your partner feels safe and pleasured in your space (because a lot of addicts are pretty sexually selfish) and you're able to live like a responsible human being, consider your libido a true blessing. But, if you just read all of this and you feel like you now see that your sexual appetite is spiraling, seek some help.
Sex is designed to be used, not abused. If it feels more like the latter, get your mind, body and spirit back in balance so that you can enjoy it from a much healthier space. Because sex is a healthy thing—when it's used wisely. Make sure that you do.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
A couple of weeks ago, I found myself rewatching two things. The first was the movieThe Pass, which was executive-produced by Todd Tucker and Kandi Burruss (it was actually pretty well done if you haven’t seen it. Personally, I’ve come to really enjoy Rob Riley and Blue Kimble as actors over the years. Also, Erica Peeples was a very sexy thang in it, and it’s always good to see the resurgence of Drew Si-dor-a on the acting front).
The other was binge-watching Insecure. Y’all, Molly really wore me out (if you know you know), yet that really was such a well-done show; going back and experiencing it all over again solidifies that as a fact for me (especially the music. Salute).
Anyway, if you were a diehard fan, you may recall the last episode of the second season of Insecure, where Issa, Molly, and Lawrence each had some growth and ah-ha moments that were featured. Towards the end of it, Issa imagined Lawrence proposing, and the song that played in the background was Daniel Caesar’s “Blessed.”
In the bridge, he continues to say, “I’m coming back home to you…I’m coming home” — and that got me to thinking about the many times when someone has actually asked me how they can know if someone shows the outstanding potential of being “their one.” Oftentimes, my answer has been that it’s when you feel as if they are home for you.
A home isn’t just a place of residence. As you’re about to see, in just a moment, a home means so much more than that. So, if you’re looking for signs and/or confirmation that your heart has indeed found its own home in the form of a partner, keep the quote by American journalist Helen Rowland in mind (“Home is any four walls that enclose the right person.”) as I try to provide a bit of clarity for you.
Like Luther Once Sang, "A House Is Not a Home."
Unsplash
I don’t know about you, but I can’t believe that next year marks the 20th year of when R&B singer Luther Vandross died. Keeping that in mind, I guess it’s fitting that a documentary about his life will be coming out this season. And although I think my all-time favorite song by him is “For You to Love” (the real ones know), it’s undeniable that one of his classics is “A House Is Not a Home.”
A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there
But a chair is not a house and a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight
And no one there you can kiss goodnight
Now, before going deeper, as a single woman whose own mother said that my place (that burned down a few years back) was quite cozy (I have made sure to replicate that feeling in my new space, too), I will be the first to say that you can cultivate a home environment even if you don’t have a bae. In fact, so long as you love yourself and it’s genuine, you will always be in great company, even if no one else is around you.
However, for the sake of today’s topic, I am going to focus on romantic relationships — and yes, a home is a lot more homey (comfortable, pleasant, restful) when you’ve got someone who truly loves you to share your space with.
That’s a part of the reason why this crazy ass transactional dating era that we are currently in is so, hell, I’m gonna go with the word “vile” to me. If you ask me, obsessing over choosing an individual who can’t — or won’t — do much more than give you a lot of things low-key sounds like someone who struggles with having a scarcity mindset.
Although one way that a scarcity mindset manifests itself in relationships is by settling just so that you can have someone in your life, the other side of the coin is you’re so focused on avoiding (or getting out of) lack that it consumes you and so, in relationships, you can’t seem to really build anything solid because all you want to make sure of is you have a lot of…stuff.
This is exactly how many people in relationships end up with a nice house, and yet they still feel very lonely because there isn’t a true connection. And so, as a direct result, their house never really ends up feeling like it’s an actual home — the place where someone can (definitions of home) feel “at ease,” “at rest” and (dig this one) “in one’s element.”
In one’s element. How dope is that? I say that because, if you look at the Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of in one’s element, it means that you are “in a place or situation where one is comfortable and does well.” Did you catch that?
Although I will be the first to say that rom-coms need to be embraced with balance, whenever you hear a character say that someone is their home, whether they realize it or not, they are saying that their relationship with that individual provides a dynamic when they are able to feel completely comfortable, so that they are able to do well — to flourish, to grow, to thrive. Can a house do this? Eh. Can a home? Definitely.
So yeah, if you’re going to give someone the distinct honor and pleasure of calling them “your home,” what you’re basically saying is they have an uncanny way of making you feel completely comfortable (content, undisturbed, healthy, happy, pleased, relaxed and satisfied) AND that they seem to cultivate an environment that helps you to truly succeed.
So…if you are currently seeing or are with someone, can you honestly give them the title of being your home? And, if you’re not in a relationship (yet you want to be), do you have a standard of not settling until you can fully and honestly call someone…your home?
Let’s keep going…
A Sanctuary Maker Is a Top-Tier Woman
Unsplash
I have plans for the term “sanctuary maker,” so much so that I have several T-shirts, hoodies, and pieces of jewelry with the phrase on it. The backstory is, that I’ve always been fond of seeing a woman as a sanctuary ever since an ex-boyfriend introduced me to the concept of setting the standard of requiring that in a relationship.
What I mean by that is, that he used to tell me that a woman should be her man’s sanctuary — and I have absolutely no problem with that. Because I am a complementarian, especially in a marital setting, if a man is providing and protecting, a woman being a place of refuge (which is what a sanctuary is), seems like a beautiful complement.
I especially dig this as a Black woman because, by definition, both a home and a sanctuary are a place of refuge, and refuge is all about being “shelter or protection from danger, trouble, etc.” and “anything to which one has recourse for aid, relief, or escape.”
I mean, all you need to do is read articles like The Guardian’s “'It’s like we're seen as animals': black men on their vulnerability and resilience” or The Vox’s “Study: people see black men as larger and more threatening than similarly sized white men” and get that it’s not an exaggeration that Black American men are in their own war zone whenever they step out of their front door; that’s why, to me, if there is any place where they should feel completely at ease, it’s in their house…a place that we, as women, have an impeccable way of being able to turn into a home.
This is actually a huge part of the reason why I tracked down Christiana Sabino and wrote her love story earlier this year (check out “Viral Sensation Christiana Sabino Is Using 'Pure Black Love' To Build Her Brand”) — if you’re familiar with her platform,she features videos with soothing music where she’s nurturing her partner. He provides. She nurtures.
Together, they invite us into a sacred space that says, “We can’t control what happens outside of these walls, yet we certainly can determine what goes on within them” and what they display is such a calm, tranquil, beautiful…sanctuary. Who wouldn’t want to come home to a place and space that is similar to it?
For me, even as a single woman, I have a sanctuary. Soy scented candles. Twinkle lights. Cable knit blankets. Big throw pillows. Blackout curtains. Nature sounds. INTERNAL PEACE. My friends tease me about how much I like being at home — because it is indeed a home. A sanctuary. My own place of refuge. A self-cultivated space where I feel serene and safe…and I created all of it. Like I said, women can master this in a way that is truly incomparable. How could you not agree?
So, are you a sanctuary maker? If so, how? If not…why not?
If You Don’t Feel Completely Safe, in Every Way, You Ain’t at Home, Sis
Unsplash
Did you peep how I said that my home is a place where I feel safe? I’m telling you, especially since around my early 30s, something that has become a big deal to me is only surrounding myself with people, places, things, and ideas that are SAFE.
Safe: secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk; involving little or no risk of mishap, error, etc.; dependable or trustworthy
Synonyms: intact, protected, snug, cherished, guarded, maintained, preserved, shieled, tended, out of harm’s way, undamaged, unscathed
Recently, while reading an article on PEOPLE's website, actor Uzo Aduba said this about her husband: “He made me feel safe. I felt safe to be all of myself around him — not the best of myself, all of myself, my frailties, my vulnerabilities, my weak, ugly parts. I felt safe enough to show him that. And when he saw it, he still loved me. I never, and still never, doubted that he loved me.’”
I’ve got a girlfriend right now who can’t seem to let go of a guy who has revealed himself to be an unsafe person on so many levels. Interestingly enough, although she knows this to be true, whenever I point it out, she still finds herself defending him. Because they have a lot of time under their belts, we walked through the different “mile markers” to see if there was a pattern — and there was.
If he wasn’t in some type of drama, he was emotionally erratic, and if he wasn’t emotionally erratic, he was relationally unpredictable.
Does he love her? Based on what he knows about love, I'm sure that he does. Does she love him? Yes, although I wonder if it’s more of an addiction than anything at this point. Yet, is he a SAFE SPACE for her? Based on all of the definitions that I provided, how could he be? And if someone isn’t safe for and to you, how can they be your home?
Home is where, above almost anything else, you should feel holistically safe: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, sexually, financially, relationally…safe. And that’s a big part of the reason why I agree with an Irish novelist by the name of Cecelia Ahern, who once said, “Home isn't a place, it’s a feeling.” If you don’t feel safe with someone, even if you love them, you are not at home. Or, if your house doesn’t feel safe, something is awry.
And sis, you deserve to feel safe — and your partner deserves to feel like they are safe around you. Not either or. BOTH.
___
Is this a totally random topic? I mean, perhaps. Still, I hope that now that you’ve reached the end of it, you really do understand that a part of what comes with being in a functional, long-term loving relationship is you are able to declare, without any hesitancy or unsureness, that you can call your partner your “home” because they check all of the boxes that I just mentioned.
And what if they don’t? Well, ask yourself if they should be a part of your life in the way that they are. Because if they’re not your home, why are they “dwelling” with you? If they are not your refuge, your safe place, someone you can be at ease with, and a person who you can articulate where they are helping you to become a better person…why do they deserve to walk through your heart’s door?
Why consider them “home” when they actually…aren’t?
I mean…really.
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Featured image by DMP/Getty Images