
Black women should probably stop talking or “raising awareness,” as I’d like to call it. Yes, you read that correctly. Because, at this point, it is quite clear that the internet is not a safe space for Black women to air out their grievances about the world, the workplace, and especially about how they’re treated.
By now, you’ve caught wind of the comments A-list actress Taraji P. Henson made about wanting to leave Hollywood for good. In addition to pay disparity being an issue, the 53-year-old co-star of The Color Purple added that food and transportation were also a concern while filming, forcing her to stand up not only for herself but for her fellow costars. But not long after her revelation to the public, Taraji suddenly became a villain simply because social media decided that her problem was not our problem. Her frustrations and her tears were quickly diminished to her simply complaining too much. The worst part about it, though, is that a lot of those complaints came from Black people!
Talk To Your Therapist, Not Us
Taraji’s story paints the perfect picture of why people do not speak out about being disenfranchised. Instead of standing in solidarity with Taraji, social media users suggested she should have waited until the film was over before airing out her grievances. People also suggested that because Taraji is rich, she shouldn’t have much to complain about. So, does that mean that Black women who get paid less than her or those who work a 9-5 get treated better? Help me understand.
Taraji has received so much negative feedback online that she’s now asking us to redirect our focus back to the film. However, she is still standing on her comments regarding pay disparity, telling Today.com that we can’t keep pretending like this isn’t happening in Hollywood, adding that change happens by talking about it.
We've Literally Heard It All Before
While Taraji’s comments are recent, we’ve heard this story several times before. The Oscar-nominated star previously expressed how Tyler Perry was the first (and at this point, only) executive to pay her her worth. We’ve also been here before with esteemed comedian and actress Mo’Nique. She, too, expressed how she’s had to fight back against a Hollywood that can award her with shiny trophies but not pay her what she’s earned. Following her claims of being lowballed, Mo’Nique also had to defend herself against social media backlash, from being called “Donkey of the Day” on The Breakfast Club to even having to defend how she handled the (lowballing) situation, from her brother in comedy, Steve Harvey on The Steve Harvey Show.
More recently, Mo’Nique addressed being on the outs with Hollywood heavyweights again during an interview with Shannon Sharpe on Club Shay Shay. After being seemingly blackballed from the industry, she has since somewhat bounced back. Time will tell if Taraji’s transparency will end in the same fate, but this piece isn’t about Taraji or Mo’Nique. It’s about us, Black people. This was our chance to finally stand with our Black women, and we are failing them yet again.
Taraji's Problem Is "Not" My Problem
So many Black folks online truly believe this and are working so hard to ignore what Taraji said because she’s rich. The truth is, you do relate to her. Why? Because you are her. What Taraji is fighting for is not new. But we have to raise the bar on how we see ourselves in our own work spaces, to fully get it. We have to raise the bar on how we allow our own jobs to treat us and pay us. Do we not have enough examples to prove how these corporations like to play in our faces…unprovoked? If we can’t see our own worth, then we’re never going to understand what Taraji P. Henson, Mo’Nique, Viola Davis, or even Angela Bassett are fighting for.
What Happens When We Publicly Discredit Each Other Online
If we keep at it this way, Black content will continue to get shelved. Us not understanding our own value, is why we continue to have these same old conversations online. Understand that the powers that be see our division and will have ZERO incentive to change anything if we have ZERO incentive to change anything.
It is counterproductive to have these types of debates on social media platforms that are NOT OWNED BY US! How is it that we can all agree that these women weren’t wrong…but at the same time, we’re shaming them for talking about it? Which one is it? What started out as a conversation about equal pay and proper treatment on set has now spiraled into so many other things, including an alleged beef between Taraji and Oprah (beef which both women have strongly denounced).
When they see us being divided online about issues like this, what does that tell them?
It tells them that Black people are not on one accord, do not have each other’s backs, and will also contribute to each other’s downfall. And nothing will change. They will continue to play in our faces. Think I’m wrong? Take a quick glimpse at the uproar from social media after learning that MAX has canceled Rap Sh!t, yet another popular Black show. Take a look at Netflix. The streaming service received backlash in 2022 after firing an entire team full of diverse, well-established, creative women of color. The same group of women were courted by the company and then let go within months of getting hired.
The powers that be are telling us directly in our faces that they are not on our side. So when Black social media users and even fellow Black co-actresses publicly denounce what Taraji is saying by adding that you “can’t relate” or over-explain how good you have it on your TV show….just know that you are a part of the problem. It is counterproductive! It is quite literally stepping back on all the progress we’ve made for Black women. Since when do we need to relate to someone who’s been victimized? This rule only applies to Black women! She doesn’t need to be perfect, to look like you, or to work the same job as you for her story to be valid. It is such a cop-out to deflect from the message.
People Get Treated Unfairly All the Time…AND?
The victim blaming has to stop. Does your job require you to pay a team full of people? No. Does your job require you to be away from your family for months on end? No. This attempt to try to humble Taraji for her decision to pursue acting as a career is insane. Telling her she should have “waited” to say something is also insane. There is literally “no such thing” as the perfect victim.
Standing up for yourself is never limited to time, space, or opportunity, and I really wish we could grasp that. The real question is, why aren’t you (the consumers) following in these women’s footsteps? Why aren’t you fighting to get paid what you’re worth at your job? Why are we so comfortable and accepting of being looked over, paid less, treated less, and everything else in between…instead of rallying together to “make” change?
Black women are allowed to speak out about their experiences, celebrity or not….they are still working individuals. They are still fighting for their livelihoods just like everyone else. What do you think the writers’ and actors’ strike was for exactly?
But I Watch Black Content, So I Do Support It
It’s about more than just watching Black content. We’ve made it crystal clear that we can show up in droves to support Black creatives, Black content, etc; we are the trendsetters! But dare I say, what’s happening in the back of the house is just as important, if not more. We’ve seen how powerful social media is in making changes happen. We, as black people, must use social media to stand behind each other. Keep your counterproductive comments in the group chat. Stop speaking against us on public platforms that are NOT OWNED BY US.
Issa Rae didn’t give a call to action for us to boycott Max after Rap Sh!t's cancellation, but look how quickly people started posting that they’re boycotting MAX for consistently canceling Black shows. We also had no problem supporting Katt Williams and are even entertaining the idea that he should get his own podcast to air out more Hollywood tea, but the goal-post somehow gets moved when Taraji speaks up for herself? Come on. We also have to stop supporting corporations, films, employers, etc, who do not hear us. We can’t claim Taraji, Mo'Nique, and Viola Davis as ours, say they should’ve won the Oscar, etc., but then other them when they’re asking for our support. It’s not enough to say, “Well, that’s how is.” Stop accepting scraps! Raise the bar!
What's the End Goal Here?
We are too comfortable seeing Black women struggle in silence. We are too used to seeing them so strong that we don’t give them space to be vulnerable, to be human, to make mistakes, and not get reprimanded for doing so.
We need to figure out what we want as a collective, specifically as Black consumers. Do we want change? Do we want to get treated fairly and paid fairly? Do you want to be told the truth, or do you just want to be entertained no matter what’s happening behind the scenes and who it’s happening to? Do you want people to be able to share their experiences, or do you want them to suffer in silence? Or is outrage only allowed when it affects you?
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature images by Emma McIntyre/WireImage/ Paras Griffin/Getty Images
This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Whew. Did you know that somewhere around 122 million Americans travel during the holiday season? Listen, I went to see my godbabies this past September and got caught up in a crazy ass traffic jam at BNA (the Nashville airport) that damn near has me considering air travel ever again — especially during this time of the year.
Besides, it’s not like it’s a written rule that you have to travel over the holidays. In fact, if you want to play it chill this year, why not enjoy a staycation instead? Although it might seem like it’s a “poor man’s compromise,” as you’re about to see, it actually…isn’t.
1. Go All Out with the Christmas Décor
GiphyThere is someone I know who is so obsessed with Christmas, she’s damn near annoying-borderline-terrifying. I’m. Not. Kidding. Yet hey, if you’re going to do a holiday-themed staycation (emphasis on “holiday-themed”), that’s kind of how you’ve got to be. Some décor ideas include:
- A fresh Christmas tree (is the most ideal) that is ultimately decorated
- Wreaths on outside and inside doors
- Garland (with twinkle lights) in predictable and unpredictable places
- Poinsettias
- Mistletoes
- Snow globes
- A stocking (with some of your favorite things in it)
- Fake snow
- Stars
- Angels
- Candy canes
- A BLACK Santa (LOL)
I mean, since you are going to be spending a lot of time at home, it can feel like a mini-winter wonderland if you are intentional about doing more decorating to your living space than you ever have before!
2. Buy a Couple of Christmas-Themed PJs
GiphyWhile I was doing some research on a totally different topic, I happened upon an article that talked about the psychology behind why we should be intentional about what we wear to bed. When you stop to think about the fact that (hopefully) you are sleeping somewhere between 6-8 hours every night, it would make sense that things like the color and fabric of your sleepwear would have a real impact on you — even subconsciously.
Well, when it comes to Christmas décor, specifically, not only does it take you back to nostalgic memories, it can also boost your moods. So, aside from being on-10 with your Christmas décor, also invest in some Christmas-themed PJs. Since you’re going to be doing a lot of lounging around (RIGHT?), do it in something that makes you think about all of your favorite things about this time of year.
3. Cop Some Christmas-Scented Candles
GiphyThere really is no telling how many articles that I’ve written where I am singing the praises of scented soy candles. Candles are soothing, comforting and a very easy way to reduce stress. Also, since it gets darker quicker and for a longer period of time around this time of the year, candles provide a relaxing vibe to your home. Since it is Christmastime, go with scents that are reminiscent of the season:
- Cinnamon
- Vanilla
- Cranberry
- Apple
- Pine
- Frankincense and Myrrh
- Peppermint
- Cashmere
- Ginger(bread)
- Orange
- Sugar Cookies
- Sandalwood
- Cloves
- Cedarwood
- (Hot) Chocolate
Personally, one of my favorite candle companies is Goose Creek. Their signature collections will have your entire house smelling like a high-end bakery. No exaggeration.
4. Play Some Winter-Themed ASMR Sounds
GiphyI’m from Nebraska and my mother was a New Yorker. So, if there is one thing that I like, it’s seasons and that includes snow during wintertime. Unfortunately, Nashville is cray-cray when it comes to that. If, where you live, the weather is all over the place too (which is why I think it’s insane that some people still give pushback to global warming) and you would like for it to at least seem like you are in your own winter wonderland — invest in some fake snow to strategically place around your home.
Oh, and don’t forget to turn on some winter-themed ASMR sounds too. YouTube has videos that run for hours on end that feature blizzards and howling winds that really can make you feel like you are in the midst of an ice storm.
5. Host a Holiday Movie Marathon
GiphyOne thing to remember about a staycation is it doesn’t mean that you have to be alone or that the only people who can participate are the ones who live with you. Since a staycation is simply about staying close to home instead of traveling afar — absolutely consider having some of your favorite people over for a holiday-themed movie marathon. Shoot, Black America Web even did you a solid by publishing “25 Best Black Christmas Movies Of All Time;” plus, Tubi has a Black holiday hits section of indie films too.
Oh, and make sure to get creative with the Christmas-themed snacks. Some ideas? Some Kentucky-fried turkey tenders with cranberry hot sauce (recipe here), some Holiday Hot Spinach Dip (recipe here), some Grinch Kabobs (recipe here), some roasted pecans (recipe here) and some Pomegranate Guacamole (recipe here).
6. Spend a Night (or Two) at a Hotel or Vacation House
GiphyJust like you don’t have to be alone during a staycation, you also don’t have to be cooped up in your house the entire time. Get a change of scenery in your own city by spending the night in a hotel that you’ve always wanted to try out or renting a vacation house for you and some of your folks to hang out in during the time between Christmas and New Year’s Day. I have a “love little sister” who does this randomly when she needs a break from her work as a therapist. She says that it’s damn near like taking a trip (and she has PLENTY of passport stamps; trust me).
7. Have Brunch or Dinner at a Christmas-Themed Restaurant
GiphyIf nothing puts a bigger smile on your face than the thought of DoorDashing meals and barely even touching your stove during your staycation — hey, I am right there with you. Do consider going out to brunch or dinner during your chill time, though. It’s another way to bond with people and create some current holiday memories. And if you’ve got a bae and you opt for dinner, it can be a wonderful type of Christmas-themed date.
8. Go to a Holiday-Themed Concert
GiphyBeing that I got my start as an entertainment writer, hear me when I say that I’m not someone who just has to go to a live concert every chance that I get. Oh, but baby, when I saw that El DeBarge was doing a City Winery tour and he was going to be here right before Christmas — I booked myself a ticket quick, fast and in a super-duper hurry! Shoot, I didn’t even want to go with someone because I plan to give him and that falsetto voice of his my complete and undivided attention. LOL.
I don’t know what it is about the holiday season that makes live music that much more enjoyable — but if there is a concert that features one of your favorite artists happening right through here, consider that to be a cool way to “tour your city” while cultivating a really awesome memory at the same time.
9. Also, Go Ice Skating
GiphyOne of my fondest memories of time with my father is going ice skating. We actually would do it in the summer (because that is when I would visit him) and, every year, he would get me a new ice skating outfit. Even now, when I watch someone ice skate (even in movies; like in the classic movie Garden State), I will have warm fuzzies.
Anyway, if you’ve never been before, go. If it’s been forever since you have, also go. There is something that is very sweet and so signature Christmas about it. Plus, it’s a top-tier form of exercise.
10. Take a Christmas Lights Tour
GiphyAnother one of my favorite Christmas memories is driving through neighborhoods and looking at the Christmas lights. And just like a Christmas concert can be a form of hometown touring, so can doing this if you decide to choose a couple of areas where you’ve never really been or rarely frequent.
Now are you excited about the thought of experiencing a holiday-themed staycation?
I thought you would be. ENJOY!
Featured image by Shutterstock









