
Black women should probably stop talking or “raising awareness,” as I’d like to call it. Yes, you read that correctly. Because, at this point, it is quite clear that the internet is not a safe space for Black women to air out their grievances about the world, the workplace, and especially about how they’re treated.
By now, you’ve caught wind of the comments A-list actress Taraji P. Henson made about wanting to leave Hollywood for good. In addition to pay disparity being an issue, the 53-year-old co-star of The Color Purple added that food and transportation were also a concern while filming, forcing her to stand up not only for herself but for her fellow costars. But not long after her revelation to the public, Taraji suddenly became a villain simply because social media decided that her problem was not our problem. Her frustrations and her tears were quickly diminished to her simply complaining too much. The worst part about it, though, is that a lot of those complaints came from Black people!
Talk To Your Therapist, Not Us
Taraji’s story paints the perfect picture of why people do not speak out about being disenfranchised. Instead of standing in solidarity with Taraji, social media users suggested she should have waited until the film was over before airing out her grievances. People also suggested that because Taraji is rich, she shouldn’t have much to complain about. So, does that mean that Black women who get paid less than her or those who work a 9-5 get treated better? Help me understand.
Taraji has received so much negative feedback online that she’s now asking us to redirect our focus back to the film. However, she is still standing on her comments regarding pay disparity, telling Today.com that we can’t keep pretending like this isn’t happening in Hollywood, adding that change happens by talking about it.
We've Literally Heard It All Before
While Taraji’s comments are recent, we’ve heard this story several times before. The Oscar-nominated star previously expressed how Tyler Perry was the first (and at this point, only) executive to pay her her worth. We’ve also been here before with esteemed comedian and actress Mo’Nique. She, too, expressed how she’s had to fight back against a Hollywood that can award her with shiny trophies but not pay her what she’s earned. Following her claims of being lowballed, Mo’Nique also had to defend herself against social media backlash, from being called “Donkey of the Day” on The Breakfast Club to even having to defend how she handled the (lowballing) situation, from her brother in comedy, Steve Harvey on The Steve Harvey Show.
More recently, Mo’Nique addressed being on the outs with Hollywood heavyweights again during an interview with Shannon Sharpe on Club Shay Shay. After being seemingly blackballed from the industry, she has since somewhat bounced back. Time will tell if Taraji’s transparency will end in the same fate, but this piece isn’t about Taraji or Mo’Nique. It’s about us, Black people. This was our chance to finally stand with our Black women, and we are failing them yet again.
Taraji's Problem Is "Not" My Problem
So many Black folks online truly believe this and are working so hard to ignore what Taraji said because she’s rich. The truth is, you do relate to her. Why? Because you are her. What Taraji is fighting for is not new. But we have to raise the bar on how we see ourselves in our own work spaces, to fully get it. We have to raise the bar on how we allow our own jobs to treat us and pay us. Do we not have enough examples to prove how these corporations like to play in our faces…unprovoked? If we can’t see our own worth, then we’re never going to understand what Taraji P. Henson, Mo’Nique, Viola Davis, or even Angela Bassett are fighting for.
What Happens When We Publicly Discredit Each Other Online
If we keep at it this way, Black content will continue to get shelved. Us not understanding our own value, is why we continue to have these same old conversations online. Understand that the powers that be see our division and will have ZERO incentive to change anything if we have ZERO incentive to change anything.
It is counterproductive to have these types of debates on social media platforms that are NOT OWNED BY US! How is it that we can all agree that these women weren’t wrong…but at the same time, we’re shaming them for talking about it? Which one is it? What started out as a conversation about equal pay and proper treatment on set has now spiraled into so many other things, including an alleged beef between Taraji and Oprah (beef which both women have strongly denounced).
When they see us being divided online about issues like this, what does that tell them?
It tells them that Black people are not on one accord, do not have each other’s backs, and will also contribute to each other’s downfall. And nothing will change. They will continue to play in our faces. Think I’m wrong? Take a quick glimpse at the uproar from social media after learning that MAX has canceled Rap Sh!t, yet another popular Black show. Take a look at Netflix. The streaming service received backlash in 2022 after firing an entire team full of diverse, well-established, creative women of color. The same group of women were courted by the company and then let go within months of getting hired.
The powers that be are telling us directly in our faces that they are not on our side. So when Black social media users and even fellow Black co-actresses publicly denounce what Taraji is saying by adding that you “can’t relate” or over-explain how good you have it on your TV show….just know that you are a part of the problem. It is counterproductive! It is quite literally stepping back on all the progress we’ve made for Black women. Since when do we need to relate to someone who’s been victimized? This rule only applies to Black women! She doesn’t need to be perfect, to look like you, or to work the same job as you for her story to be valid. It is such a cop-out to deflect from the message.
People Get Treated Unfairly All the Time…AND?
The victim blaming has to stop. Does your job require you to pay a team full of people? No. Does your job require you to be away from your family for months on end? No. This attempt to try to humble Taraji for her decision to pursue acting as a career is insane. Telling her she should have “waited” to say something is also insane. There is literally “no such thing” as the perfect victim.
Standing up for yourself is never limited to time, space, or opportunity, and I really wish we could grasp that. The real question is, why aren’t you (the consumers) following in these women’s footsteps? Why aren’t you fighting to get paid what you’re worth at your job? Why are we so comfortable and accepting of being looked over, paid less, treated less, and everything else in between…instead of rallying together to “make” change?
Black women are allowed to speak out about their experiences, celebrity or not….they are still working individuals. They are still fighting for their livelihoods just like everyone else. What do you think the writers’ and actors’ strike was for exactly?
But I Watch Black Content, So I Do Support It
It’s about more than just watching Black content. We’ve made it crystal clear that we can show up in droves to support Black creatives, Black content, etc; we are the trendsetters! But dare I say, what’s happening in the back of the house is just as important, if not more. We’ve seen how powerful social media is in making changes happen. We, as black people, must use social media to stand behind each other. Keep your counterproductive comments in the group chat. Stop speaking against us on public platforms that are NOT OWNED BY US.
Issa Rae didn’t give a call to action for us to boycott Max after Rap Sh!t's cancellation, but look how quickly people started posting that they’re boycotting MAX for consistently canceling Black shows. We also had no problem supporting Katt Williams and are even entertaining the idea that he should get his own podcast to air out more Hollywood tea, but the goal-post somehow gets moved when Taraji speaks up for herself? Come on. We also have to stop supporting corporations, films, employers, etc, who do not hear us. We can’t claim Taraji, Mo'Nique, and Viola Davis as ours, say they should’ve won the Oscar, etc., but then other them when they’re asking for our support. It’s not enough to say, “Well, that’s how is.” Stop accepting scraps! Raise the bar!
What's the End Goal Here?
We are too comfortable seeing Black women struggle in silence. We are too used to seeing them so strong that we don’t give them space to be vulnerable, to be human, to make mistakes, and not get reprimanded for doing so.
We need to figure out what we want as a collective, specifically as Black consumers. Do we want change? Do we want to get treated fairly and paid fairly? Do you want to be told the truth, or do you just want to be entertained no matter what’s happening behind the scenes and who it’s happening to? Do you want people to be able to share their experiences, or do you want them to suffer in silence? Or is outrage only allowed when it affects you?
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This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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While doing a podcast interview a couple of weeks ago, when I said my age, the interviewer complimented me by saying that what I said is not what they would’ve guessed. When they asked what the secret was, the first thing that came out of my mouth was, “Oh, I’m gonna take me a nap.”
I adore sleep. I’ve said before that it’s like what Six Flags is to some people. And really, it’s just a plus that there are so many health benefits from getting plenty of rest. Beauty-wise, science does reveal that getting no less than seven hours a night can slow down signs of aging. Know what else? There are some direct things that sleep — and the lack thereof — can do to your immunity as well.
And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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