Goodness, y'all. I don't know if this started off as being some twisted TikTok challenge or what, but you'll never guess what some folks are using as lubricant these days? Freakin' toothpaste. Yep, you heard me. Just like I don't get why people use toothpaste on pimples (why would you put that on any kind of lesion or open wound?!), when you think about how thick, sticky and strong toothpaste is, how in the world does it seem like it would be a good look when it comes to making sex wetter—or better? Chile, I promise you I don't know. Hmph. From what I've read, all it basically does is create genital burning, potential scarring, and a big ol' mess.
I'm hoping that none of the xoTribe is out here using what they brush their teeth with on anything else, but I will say that reading about all of that ridiculousness did inspire me to write up a lil' something on how to choose the right kind of lubricant. Not that natural bodily fluids aren't bomb or anything, but sometimes, bringing a little extra slip to the table—well, bedroom—can be what makes sex even more extraordinary. Feel me?
If you're a lubrication fan, but you're not always sure how to get about getting the kind that's best for you, here are 10 facts that can make the selection process so much easier.
1. Water-Based Lube Is Most Popular. Silicone-Based Lube Lasts the Longest.
I'm thinking that water-based lubricant is probably the most popular simply because a lot of people aren't as aware of the other options. As far as what its benefits are, it's pretty good if you happen to have sensitive skin or are prone to irritation. Another benefit is it easily washes out of fabric. The downside is it tends to have a residue to it that can be a bit on the sticky side. Plus, it is an absolute no-no when it comes to shower sex (you would need a different kind of lubricant; something "slicker" than water).
This is where silicone-based lube comes in. It has way more slip, you can use it in water, and you don't have to keep reapplying it (like you do with the water-based kind). So, is there a downside to lube that's made from silicone? I guess it all depends on how you look at it. It's thicker, so you can't just rinse it off with water; you usually need soap too. But if you plan on cleaning up after sex anyway, I hardly see how (or why) that should be a deterrent. Do you?
2. Don’t Use Silicone-Based Lube with Silicone Sex Toys
OK, so this is one of those points that will probably seem really obvious to some and not so obvious to others. While yes, it is totally safe to use silicone-based lube with condoms, what you do need to avoid is using it with any sex toys that may have silicone in them. The reason is because putting this kind of lube on them can actually break down the silicone material over time. When that happens, your toys can start to become a personal breeding ground for bacteria. Yuck.
3. Oil-Based Lubes Should Be for Unprotected Sex Only
If you prefer oil-based lubes, that's cool. Well, it's cool if you and your partner have been tested for STDs and you are in an honest and exclusive relationship. If there is a place where condoms and lubes do not work hand in hand, it's when it comes to lubes that have any oil in them. Oil can break down latex which defeats the entire purpose of wearing a condom in the first place.
That's why, unless you're going to have unprotected sex (or give your man a hand job), it really is best to go with a lubricant that's made out of water or silicone. Otherwise, you could end up with a few surprises.
4. There Is Such a Thing As Powder, Cream, and CBD-Based Lubricants, Too
Another option on the market are lubes that come in powder form. Yeah, that might sound a little counterproductive at first, but the reason some people prefer to go this route is because they can control how thick or thin they want their lubrication to be. And just how are they able to do that? Well, since water must be added to the lube, a little or a lot is what ultimately determines the consistency. A popular brand, for example, is X Lube.
If anal sex is more of your thing, cream lubes are something that you should have somewhere in your collection. They're thicker and longer lasting. I'm pretty sure I don't have to explain why that works in your favor when it comes to…backdoor activities. One of the oldest brands around is B. Cumming Elbow Grease Original Lubricant Cream. Just make sure to keep in mind that it's mineral-oil based. Yep—that means it can wreak havoc on latex condoms, so use wisely. (By the way, EROS has a line that is silicone-based that has some pretty strong reviews, too.)
Oh, and if you love all things CBD, we did an article on lubricant that is made from it as well. You can check that out here.
5. Warming Lubricants Suck When It Comes to Vaginal Dryness
If vaginal dryness is something that you struggle with, avoid using a lube that is packaged as being a "warming lubricant". More times than not, they've got glycerin in them and that is an ingredient that, ironically, will only dry you out more at some point. Come to think of it, if you are prone to yeast infections, that's another reason to leave lubes that contain glycerin alone. They have been known to irritate the vagina and throw off one's pH balance. I'm pretty sure you'll agree when I say that no lube is worth all of that.
6. Use “Sperm-Friendly” Lube If You’re Trying to Get Pregnant
Here's something that you may not have known. There is some research that indicates lubricants can directly affect sperm motility. What that basically means is, if you're trying to conceive, a lot of lubes can actually work against, rather than for, you. That's why, if you are trying to make a baby, look for the kind of lubricant that says "sperm-friendly" or "fertility-friendly" on the packaging. A particular brand that comes to mind is Pre-Seed Fertility Friendly Lubricant.
7. It’s Pretty Easy to Make Your Own Lube
Of course, DIY'ing your lubricant is also an option. This basically falls under the category of being a plant-based lube since the ingredients that it takes to make it consists of natural things like aloe vera gel, Vitamin E, coconut oil, cocoa butter and shea butter. The pros with these are they are gentle and organic. Other benefits are they last longer than water-based lubes and are compatible with virtually any sex toy. Plus, since you are making them yourself, you know exactly what is in them. The cons are they aren't compatible with latex condoms and they can be harder to clean up. But, if you would prefer to go the homemade route, you can try out a great recipe here.
8. Lubricants Aren’t Exactly As “Safe” As You Might Think
Dun, dun, dun, dun. While lubes can most definitely make sex more pleasurable, I wouldn't say that it always or automatically makes sex safer. On one hand, it does result in less friction, which is a good thing.
But still—there are reports that lubricants can mess around and increase your chances of getting gonorrhea or chlamydia if you're using them during anal activity. How? Apparently, lube can trigger inflammation, which can make it easier for organisms to spread.
By the way, it's usually ingredients like glycerin, nonoxynol-9, propylene glycol and chlorhexidine gluconate that leads to the inflammation, so if you want to decrease the chances, read the ingredients and make sure these are as low on the list as possible before making a purchase.
9. There Are Five Things to Keep in Mind When Applying Lubricant
Now that you know just about everything you need to in order to make a wise lubricant selection, I thought it would only be right to share a few tips on how to actually apply your lube.
- Put a towel down to prevent staining.
- Warm the lube up with your hands before applying.
- Use a liberal amount during foreplay and right before penetration, for maximal pleasure.
- Apply the lube directly onto the penis or your sex toy of choice right before penetration for best results.
- Remember to reapply as needed; if you feel dry or irritated by sexual friction, that would be your cue.
While it's not super common for lubricants to cause side effects, if you experience any itching or hives, or you or your partner start to have difficulty breathing, discontinue use immediately. Also, take a shower and call your doctor if the symptoms do not subside. Again, this isn't something to get too alarmed about, but I had to make sure that I covered as many bases as possible.
10. Always Remember That Lubricants Do Expire
I'm not sure what makes people think that they can keep the same container of lube for the entire duration of their sex life because nothing could be further from the truth. Actually, a lubricant's clock starts ticking from the very moment you open it up. And just how long does it last once you do? Eh, about a year. So, if you've got anything that's been sitting in your bathroom cabinet or on your bedroom nightstand for longer than that, toss it. It's only gonna do you more harm than good if you don't.
For a list of some of the best lubes on the market, check out NY Mag's "What Is the Best Lube?" And whatever you do, stay away from that toothpaste (SMDH)!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
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Unmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
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Okay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
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If off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
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A friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
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It’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
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I once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
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If you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
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Okay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
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Something that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
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For this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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