10 Atlanta Nurses On COVID, Uncertainty & Embracing Their Calling
This article is in partnership with National Black Nurses Association.
As crazy as 2020 has been, it has stood as a reminder of the power in the healing process. Though as a society we encountered our share of pain as we were met with job losses, furloughs, civil unrest, untimely deaths, as well as mental and emotional overwhelm, we are doing our best to survive and come together as one. We have become more united in our shared trauma, and have begun to shift our focus on areas where it's needed. The pain and the release of healing. Assisting us in our healing journey both figuratively and literally on the frontlines of this pandemic are nurses.
These frontline workers have long been considered essential by our society, but perhaps their necessity has not been as felt as it has been in the past years. As the spread of the pandemic widened, cases increased, and hospitals became overcrowded with those affected gravely by the disease, nurses proved to be the ones offering a human touch to the way they worked to heal. They went above and beyond to make ailing patients who were isolated due to coronavirus to feel less of the sting of being alone. Add economic struggles to the disparities experienced by marginalized groups and communities in the healthcare system and the disease affecting POC at disproportionate levels, navigating these uncertain times can be difficult to say the least.
For the work that nurses have had to do as healers during this trying time, xoNecole is thanking them in a major way with our partnership with National Black Nurses Association. Below Atlanta nurses and Wellstar nurses fill us in on how they are navigating work demands, patient losses, and fear while embracing their calling.
Alicia Coley, RN
Courtesy of Alicia Coley
Title: Travel Nurse
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: 10 years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"It's definitely been a major adjustment compared to pre-COVID working conditions in the medical field. I noticed there had been a higher than normal demand for nurses due to increased hospitalizations during this pandemic. Full-time staff nurses had been overwhelmed with the patient load. Therefore, we as travelers came in to provide temporary relief. Gowning up from head to toe with the appropriate Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) for every single patient had become the new norm since the patients I worked with were all COVID-19 positive.
"Lack of supply of PPE, at times, was frustrating. I remember units having to be opened up so we can create more space for admissions. One of the hospital campuses I worked at was re-opened and dedicated to taking COVID patients from all the nearby surrounding hospitals. Overall, you had to have tough skin, catch on quickly and care for the sickly patients. Working as a team was very important!"
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"It wasn't always easy because family members were not allowed on the units AT ALL. Therefore, we were required to call and give an update to family members each shift in the afternoons. It was important for me to remain kind, be empathetic and take care of patients the best I could. There was one particular patient that I saw decline from fully functioning to flaccid over time. That was disheartening. I ended up spending more time in their room because now they could no longer do anything for themselves.
"Continuity of care is encouraged, so you really get to know the patient and you also become familiar with their family member(s) via phone. For this specific patient, I made sure the family got to FaceTime their family member per their request when I worked. Although the prognosis was poor, I believe the family was just grateful to see the patient while they could and talk to them weekly."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"I naturally enjoy learning about topics on health and wellness. In the midst of the pandemic, I ended up starting my own business where I sell an all-natural elderberry syrup. It's paramount during these times because it's a wonderful immune booster that is loaded with antioxidants, has anti-viral, antitussive and anti-inflammatory properties. Studies have shown that if you take elderberry syrup within the first 24-48 hours of infection, you decrease the severity and duration of your cold/flu-like symptoms! My company is called Alchemi Naturals and this is what keeps me motivated and busy.
"I wake up with a sense of purpose and feeling more fulfilled knowing that I am helping to bring people back to wellness. To support my overall wellness during this time, I make it a priority to meditate daily, exercise regularly, eat a well-balanced diet and consume content on personal and spiritual growth. I also stay busy with learning more ways to grow my business and bring as much value as I can to my customers and my social media platform."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"One thing I can say for sure is that I am a huge proponent of boosting one's immune system. I think that is what I advocate the most because it is naturally designed to protect you. Working in a number of different hospital settings will really open your eyes when you come in contact with so many people that have pre-existing health conditions. I have become more passionate about sharing health-conscious information and encouraging people to take care of themselves. These times have solidified my feelings of purpose in my field because I realize now more than ever that nurses are needed! Patients depend on us. It's important that we show up, work as a team and get everyone back to their loved ones."
Tanisha Mcfarlane, RN
Courtesy of Tanisha Mcfarlane
Title: Travel Nurse; currently working in Emergency Department
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: 10 years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"Being on the frontlines of a pandemic has been very challenging physically, mentally and emotionally. I love and enjoy helping other people so becoming a nurse was just an extension of my purpose. Prior to the pandemic, nursing has had its challenges (working short staff, being verbally abused and sometimes physically abused by patients, and working 12 hours and only being allowed to take a 30-minute break). During the pandemic, some of the normal struggles were intensified but with added stress due to the increased volume and acuity of patients.
"Death is always hard but watching so many people expire in such a small time period was nerve-wracking and it became the new normal, bad as it sounds. In May, I lost three coworkers in one month due to COVID and I think that was when the reality of this pandemic really set in."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"The 'no visitor' policy was very much a struggle for everyone. On a personal level whenever I am not well, I call on my family for emotional support so I thoroughly understood the emotional stress patients endured during their hospital stay. I felt that our duty as nurses was to make patients feel as comfortable as possible even if that meant finding a few minutes to video chat family members as a comfort measure.
"At times, it was overwhelming because we were working under a lot of stress, with limited resources and short staff but we were now responsible for updating family members via phone. Imagine finally catching up on things and then the moment you think you had a moment to take a minute to yourself, you have several people on hold waiting on reassurance and depending on you for their confidence that their loved ones are going to be OK."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"I have always made my family a priority but recently they have been the only thing that keeps me going. I am a first-time mom and that in addition to the pandemic has been heavy mentally but every day I choose to be better than I was yesterday overall. In my downtime, I look up new recipes to try, exercise and plan safe but fun things for my two-year-old son. My son couldn't have been here at a better time because he is my encouragement to stay positive even in my struggles and I am grateful. My husband-to-be is also a nurse so it is helpful that I can vent to him and he understands on a level that not everyone can."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"The pandemic has solidified that my purpose has always been to help people. My biggest fear was always not being able to protect the people around me from such a virus. I cared more for them than myself and again nursing is the extension of my purpose. If I was to extract my personal attributes from my career and just looked at it on a financial gain, then nursing wouldn't be the field I would have chosen and that's how I knew it was more than the money for me. It takes a special person and God chose me."
Brandy Perry, BSN, RN
Courtesy of Brandy Perry
Title: Charge Nurse in Progressive Care Unit at Wellstar Paulding Hospital
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Six years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"Being on the frontline of the pandemic has been one of the most challenging times in my career. Caring for patients during this pandemic has been emotionally challenging because we are continuously fighting this battle for our patients and families. I pray every day that my patients will not say their last goodbye but will instead receive the great news that they can go home to their family."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"It has been challenging to watch my patients not having their families with them during this difficult time. On the other hand, I have gained many honorary aunts, uncles, parents, and grandparents in the last year. I am privileged that I was able to connect deeper with my patients as I know they needed my support and guidance more than ever."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"I find myself calling on my children, family members, and friends more often to check on them. It's also very important to have some downtime to rest and self-reflect on any stressful and challenging circumstances that I have encountered."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"I have never been so proud to be a nurse. I truly see the difference we make every day for our community."
Ashley Pugh, RN
Courtesy of Ashley Pugh
Title: Burn ICU Registered Nurse
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: 10 months
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"I came [into the nursing field] at a time when COVID was already ramping up so I don't know anything else. There's obviously less family at the bedside, but since I'm in a critical care area we are able to make exceptions for end of life situations."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"Fortunately, the COVID numbers are relatively low in the Burn ICU. We are also the only unit that cares for children. This allows us to make some exceptions in visitation on a case by case basis. Our leadership team also works hard to ensure that we are staffed in a way that allows us to have those caring moments with our patients."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"I'm not ashamed to say that I pamper myself big time. I've probably purchased every fancy skincare trend you can think of. I'm also a Louisiana girl so I've used this time to get in the kitchen and cook a lot of true Southern cuisine."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"This experience allows me to put faces on policies. A lot of times it's hard to understand how the government and political decisions impact individuals. Not anymore. It's important for nurses to use their voices and participate in the decision-making process. We have the experience and we have insight that is critical to improving the health of our country."
Lauren W., RN
Courtesy of Lauren W.
Title: Travel Nurse; currently working in Progressive Care Units
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Seven years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"Since the pandemic began in early 2020, there have been many changes in how nurses (and the healthcare system as a whole) approached patient care. For instance, while limiting the spread of infectious diseases within the hospital has always been a top priority, the stress around personal protective equipment, patient procedures, hospital staffing, and visitor policies have been the most highlighted this past year. We increasingly realize the importance of each role in this system. You appreciate the environmental service workers that clean your isolation rooms just as much as you appreciate that manager going the extra mile to get the appropriate staff and supplies. Do we still have a long road ahead of us? Yes. But I think we see how much we are interconnected, and how that plays into providing the best care possible."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"It was tough to see my patients feel alone and physically isolated from their support systems during this pandemic. Part of quality patient care is incorporating the family in the process. This gives the patient comfort in what could be the most stressful time of their lives, hospitalization. On top of that, you include a global pandemic that is taking lives every day. Therefore, as much as possible, I personally encourage that patient's family or emergency contact to call the patient throughout their stay, or make sure that the physician updates the family on their treatment plan in order to keep them involved and their anxiety low.
"If I have some extra time in between work duties, I even stay and talk with patients for a few more minutes. Most times, they just want a little more education on their treatment, to share their family or pet stories, or even just chat about their favorite TV program. While it may not seem like much, it could mean the world to someone, and make a stressful day turn around for the both of us."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"Due to a constant changing environment, work-life balance has been extremely important in maintaining my well-being. I found that doing solid work on my own mental, physical, and spiritual health helped me get through it. It is impossible to pour from an empty cup. Therefore, much effort is made in maintaining a healthy diet, my spiritual practices, and a support system of friends and family to keep my cup full. Even if that means setting boundaries, spending time alone catching up on my hobbies or favorite TV show, or even practicing social distancing with my mask as I take a nature walk. I have to take care of myself first, period. Thankfully, I also have been afforded the opportunity to leave my work at my job for the most part. I HAVE that title, I AM NOT that title."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"Throughout my nursing career, I am grateful to have worked as a leader and mentor in several institutions. Yet, my experiences this past year has solidified the importance of employee health and health education for everyone. Therefore, I recently obtained my graduate degree in public health and started a nurse blog, Hey Leux, to help me pursue this field. No organization can be successful without the health and well-being of their employees. Studies have even shown that contributions to an employee's work-life balance, training, compensation, and work environment can increase productivity and quality of service. I hope to combat this in the next chapter of my nursing career as an educator, and to continue to be a positive light and a guiding hand to those who need it."
Maisha 'Mai' Harvey, NP
Courtesy of Maisha 'Mai' Harvey
Title: Nurse Practitioner for Emergency Medicine
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: 15 years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"Burnout is at an all-time high. People are tired! You know burnout is real when you have no desire to work any overtime. They are literally throwing money at nurses and providers all across the country because of the shortage. It's one thing to work a lot of hours but pre- vs post-pandemic overtime just isn't the same. Between the pandemic, politics and the regular stressors of life, it wasn't easy facing a mysterious disease that's literally killing people daily.
"In full transparency, I shifted to Emergency Medicine from another specialty just three months prior to the pandemic as I was on the edge of burnout. I came off a schedule that was seven days on/seven days off to currently working three days a week. The new schedule has been a blessing for me in the pandemic as it has allowed me time to recover both mentally and physically. I've been intentional about preventing burnout which is why I haven't worked much overtime. The extra money comes with an emotional toll that's just not worth the trade for me."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"One side of the visitation restrictions not well known to the public is the personal aspect. My family, friends and friends of friends reach out for me to check on their loved ones who are admitted to the hospital. I've had family members and friends who have driven past numerous hospitals just to be at my hospital. They knew I'd be there and could always come by to check on them. Over the months, I had joy and some sadness making my rounds to check on people. Unfortunately, not everyone has survived. Experiencing this closeness followed by death more than once has emotionally been difficult but I wouldn't change a thing, nor do I have any regrets. It has been an honor to be there for the patient and their loved ones."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"I've actually spent more time in nature than ever. Previously, if it wasn't a beach or exploring a new county, I was not about that outside life! I found myself enjoying taking simple walks in my neighborhood. My meditation walks are very peaceful and energizing. It was something about the sun beaming on my skin and the alone time with my thoughts. It has been a much-needed escape from the unknown. Over the summer, I found local parks and even made day trips to random parks all over the state. Who knew Georgia had so many hiking trails with astonishing waterfalls? I even purchased a few plants but that isn't going too well right now. But they still bring me joy!"
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"My purpose has always been to educate my people about health. It's the main reason I went back to obtain not one but two advanced degrees. The pandemic has added an additional layer confirming this is where I'm supposed to be. People don't seem to understand how I can comfortably walk into a COVID patient's room with no fear. My response, I'm covered in the blood of Jesus and PPE! I was built for this!"
Stephanie McLean
Courtesy of Stephanie Mclean
Title: COVID Crisis Travel Nurse
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Seven years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"The COVID-19 crisis was something we as nurses did not anticipate, but we had to adapt quickly. Being on the frontlines and having to adjust to new screenings, protocols, and procedures daily was very overwhelming and a change from our routine pre-pandemic. My encounters with patients are met with more of a mental challenge, because now I must make sure I keep myself protected from this very contagious virus. From wearing an N95 mask for 12 plus hours, gowning up in full PPE to go into each room, and sometimes having to relay messages to patients from other healthcare providers are just a few of the ways my world has changed. This shift in the healthcare system has caused an increased patient care load and decreased time to really spend with each patient, which is tough for nurses like me who enjoy talking and spending time with their patients."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"One of the hardest parts of nursing during the pandemic has been trying to be a support system to my patients. Since there is a no visitor policy unless it is extenuating circumstances, we have become the closest thing to family on top of being their nurse. It is a challenging task when you become the only listening ear for your patients while they are experiencing so many emotions and spend most of their time alone. I have felt very overwhelmed at times because I am constantly thinking about how I can provide the best care on top of running around, charting, passing medications, and keeping up with doctors' orders.
"On one occasion, I was taking care of a patient that was battling terminal cancer and the policy was unless a patient was on comfort care, he or she could not have visitors. At this time, the decision was not made yet whether this patient would be transitioned to comfort care-only measures. I was on the phone with this man's wife; she was screaming and crying saying she just wanted to visit her husband. She stated they had young children at home, and she knew he was dying, and she just wanted to visit him. That broke my heart. I remember going into the manager's office and explaining the situation almost in tears. I just could not imagine being married and not being able to see my spouse in his last few moments. Thankfully, this situation was rectified, but I will always remember that conversation."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"On my off days, I take time to destress and I do a lot of self-care. Some of those things include exercising, juicing, meditating, and journaling. These activities help me to declutter my mind and recover mentally so I can be rejuvenated when I return to work."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"Working during this pandemic has solidified my purpose of why I became a nurse seven years ago. My passion has always been to serve people from all walks of life and play a part in them returning to their optimal level of health. In this pandemic, I feel like that has only been magnified. There are days that I have been stretched thin and pushed to the limits with so much responsibility. But in these moments, I am reminded that I was placed here for a reason and my patients are depending on me to deliver the best care possible!"
Bianca Ferguson, BSN, RN
Courtesy of Bianca Ferguson
Title: Medical-Surgical/Telemetry Registered Nurse
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Five years and seven months
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"For me being on the frontlines of a pandemic has been a life-changing experience. Before this pandemic, I went to work with a clear idea of how I would be taking care of my patients. I was confident that my skills and knowledge would get me through each shift. For the first time in my career, each day I walk into work with uncertainty of how the day will end."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"It has been an overwhelming, heartbreaking yet rewarding experience. For nurses, not only are we having to do our job, we are also having to be there to support our patients emotionally because their families aren't able to physically do so. I also feel that it is necessary to step in because emotional support can be beneficial to overall healing. It is heartbreaking because not only are these patients fighting to overcome COVID, they may feel alone, so if I can assist by staying in the room a little longer or holding my patient's hand to reassure them that they aren't alone, I'll do that."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"During these times, I have been lucky to have an amazing support system. My family and friends have supported and encouraged all my decisions during these times. I have found myself traveling to different states and assisting hospitals where the needs are far worse than what I have experienced in my hometown. I am supporting myself by praying, staying positive, and taking all precautions necessary to stay safe. As far as my mental health, I make it a requirement to meet with my therapist frequently to release frustration and recharge my positive energy."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"These times have only reassured me that I made the right decision to become a nurse. I made the right decision to choose a career that allows me to see someones vulnerability and deliver holistic care without judgment. During this pandemic, I have had the pleasure of being an ambassador for a movement here in Atlanta to help those in need. #wekeepatlantaalive is a movement geared to give credit to everyone on the frontlines while giving back to the community. A small percentage of any merchandise purchased will be put back into our community. Find out more here."
Kristeen Thrash BSN, RN
Courtesy of Kristeen Thrash
Title: Assistant Nurse Manager at Wellstar West Georgia Medical Center
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Seven years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"Working during a pandemic is something I never saw coming when I was in nursing school. It was something that I studied and read about but never fathomed. When COVID-19 first hit, we were afraid, nervous, and concerned for our team members and patients. However, I felt prepared. My professional experience and training as a nurse has helped me push through and remember why I am here in the first place."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"Serving as a support system to my patients has given me more purpose. There are so many joyful memories of serving our patients during the pandemic, including helping a patient connect with family by holding up the phone to initiate a FaceTime conversation. We have gotten extremely creative when it comes to getting our patients the support that they need."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"Something I try to make sure I do daily is unplug. When I am at home, I limit my time on my phone and make sure that I spend quality time with my daughters. I also enjoy reading my bible. COVID-19 has taught me how to seize the moment. Before COVID, I would always have my phone in my hand and spend countless hours watching TV, but those things are no longer a priority. My family, especially my children, have been a source of renewed strength, peace, and motivation. I also make sure that I take excellent care of myself spiritually, mentally, and emotionally."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"I feel like everything happens for a reason. I feel like God chose me to be here, in this place, because He has a higher calling on healthcare workers' lives during this season. Nurses are compassionate and feel that it is our duty to protect and save our communities, and I think that we (Wellstar and around the world) are doing an awesome job at it! This pandemic has shown me how strong and resilient healthcare workers really are, and it makes me proud to be a part of such a selfless a group of people."
Nurse Keziah, CPN
Courtesy of Nurse Keziah
Title: Certified Pediatric Nurse in Medical-Surgical, specializing in pediatric surgery and trauma cases
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Six years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"2020 was definitely the year of the nurse. The devastating impact of the COVID-19 virus on our communities made the role of nurses more important than ever before. There have been many tough days in my career as a nurse, but nothing comes close to the stress, fear, and anxiety that I have felt working as a nurse in the midst of this pandemic. In the early months of the pandemic, the hospital would adopt new system changes almost daily as new evidence was introduced about COVID-19. It was difficult to navigate through all of the changes at first, but with time, things became more adaptable. Health screenings, temperature checks, the use of masks, and visitor restrictions have become normal features of my work life."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"COVID-19 has been devastating for everyone involved. Strict visitation restrictions have affected all patients, not only those diagnosed with COVID-19. It has been difficult seeing the mental health and psychosocial effects of the pandemic on our pediatric patients. Many patients are admitted with complex psychosocial backgrounds where parental support is limited or non-existent. On our unit, we have experienced an increase in gunshot wounds and child abuse cases, particularly affecting our young African-American patients. Let's not forget, we are fighting two different wars here: COVID-19 and racism. Racism and implicit bias have been issues in nursing for a long time. I have found it increasingly important to provide support to patients with little to no support after suffering from trauma. I have made an effort to sit and talk with patients who are alone or hold crying infants who have been deprived from their parents."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"It truly takes a special person to be a nurse. We often neglect our own self-care, while working hard to care for those in our communities. I have experienced a ton of anxiety and depression during the pandemic as I have struggled to manage stress from work and school while being forced to socially distance in the midst of a global pandemic. As a night shift nurse, I often struggled with social isolation and sleep deprivation; but these challenges have become a lot more difficult to manage as the pandemic progresses. I have created wellness goals for myself to holistically address my mental and physical health needs. These goals include reducing screen-time on mobile devices and television, reading more books for leisure, cooking healthy meals at home, increasing my physical activity, blogging more consistently, and being more intentional in my interactions with family members and friends.
"This past year has taught me to the importance of maintaining strong connections. Life can be taken away from us in an instant, so it is important to forgive others and cherish each moment with those special people in your life."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"Although pediatric patients were being diagnosed with COVID-19, this population did not require hospitalization at the same rates as adult populations. At the start of the pandemic, low census rates resulted in many lay-offs and reduced work hours for hospital staff at my current organization. I would sometimes feel guilty being flexed from a shift, knowing that nurses around the world were losing their lives from working overtime in COVID-19 hotspots. But after seeing the impact that the care I am providing has had on my own community, I understand that each nurse plays an important role in preserving our communities and keeping our nation healthy.
"Nurses around the world are risking their own physical and mental health to provide care and support for strangers while putting themselves and their own families at risk. Working in healthcare during a pandemic has been difficult, but I have never been more proud to be a nurse. We are the true heroes."
For more information about the National Black Nurses Association, visit their website, www.nbna.org. Keep up with Wellstar by following them on Instagram @wellstarhealth.
Featured image via Alicia Coley
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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