This article is in partnership with National Black Nurses Association.
As crazy as 2020 has been, it has stood as a reminder of the power in the healing process. Though as a society we encountered our share of pain as we were met with job losses, furloughs, civil unrest, untimely deaths, as well as mental and emotional overwhelm, we are doing our best to survive and come together as one. We have become more united in our shared trauma, and have begun to shift our focus on areas where it's needed. The pain and the release of healing. Assisting us in our healing journey both figuratively and literally on the frontlines of this pandemic are nurses.
These frontline workers have long been considered essential by our society, but perhaps their necessity has not been as felt as it has been in the past years. As the spread of the pandemic widened, cases increased, and hospitals became overcrowded with those affected gravely by the disease, nurses proved to be the ones offering a human touch to the way they worked to heal. They went above and beyond to make ailing patients who were isolated due to coronavirus to feel less of the sting of being alone. Add economic struggles to the disparities experienced by marginalized groups and communities in the healthcare system and the disease affecting POC at disproportionate levels, navigating these uncertain times can be difficult to say the least.
For the work that nurses have had to do as healers during this trying time, xoNecole is thanking them in a major way with our partnership with National Black Nurses Association. Below Atlanta nurses and Wellstar nurses fill us in on how they are navigating work demands, patient losses, and fear while embracing their calling.
Alicia Coley, RN
Courtesy of Alicia Coley
Title: Travel Nurse
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: 10 years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"It's definitely been a major adjustment compared to pre-COVID working conditions in the medical field. I noticed there had been a higher than normal demand for nurses due to increased hospitalizations during this pandemic. Full-time staff nurses had been overwhelmed with the patient load. Therefore, we as travelers came in to provide temporary relief. Gowning up from head to toe with the appropriate Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) for every single patient had become the new norm since the patients I worked with were all COVID-19 positive.
"Lack of supply of PPE, at times, was frustrating. I remember units having to be opened up so we can create more space for admissions. One of the hospital campuses I worked at was re-opened and dedicated to taking COVID patients from all the nearby surrounding hospitals. Overall, you had to have tough skin, catch on quickly and care for the sickly patients. Working as a team was very important!"
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"It wasn't always easy because family members were not allowed on the units AT ALL. Therefore, we were required to call and give an update to family members each shift in the afternoons. It was important for me to remain kind, be empathetic and take care of patients the best I could. There was one particular patient that I saw decline from fully functioning to flaccid over time. That was disheartening. I ended up spending more time in their room because now they could no longer do anything for themselves.
"Continuity of care is encouraged, so you really get to know the patient and you also become familiar with their family member(s) via phone. For this specific patient, I made sure the family got to FaceTime their family member per their request when I worked. Although the prognosis was poor, I believe the family was just grateful to see the patient while they could and talk to them weekly."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"I naturally enjoy learning about topics on health and wellness. In the midst of the pandemic, I ended up starting my own business where I sell an all-natural elderberry syrup. It's paramount during these times because it's a wonderful immune booster that is loaded with antioxidants, has anti-viral, antitussive and anti-inflammatory properties. Studies have shown that if you take elderberry syrup within the first 24-48 hours of infection, you decrease the severity and duration of your cold/flu-like symptoms! My company is called Alchemi Naturals and this is what keeps me motivated and busy.
"I wake up with a sense of purpose and feeling more fulfilled knowing that I am helping to bring people back to wellness. To support my overall wellness during this time, I make it a priority to meditate daily, exercise regularly, eat a well-balanced diet and consume content on personal and spiritual growth. I also stay busy with learning more ways to grow my business and bring as much value as I can to my customers and my social media platform."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"One thing I can say for sure is that I am a huge proponent of boosting one's immune system. I think that is what I advocate the most because it is naturally designed to protect you. Working in a number of different hospital settings will really open your eyes when you come in contact with so many people that have pre-existing health conditions. I have become more passionate about sharing health-conscious information and encouraging people to take care of themselves. These times have solidified my feelings of purpose in my field because I realize now more than ever that nurses are needed! Patients depend on us. It's important that we show up, work as a team and get everyone back to their loved ones."
Tanisha Mcfarlane, RN
Courtesy of Tanisha Mcfarlane
Title: Travel Nurse; currently working in Emergency Department
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: 10 years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"Being on the frontlines of a pandemic has been very challenging physically, mentally and emotionally. I love and enjoy helping other people so becoming a nurse was just an extension of my purpose. Prior to the pandemic, nursing has had its challenges (working short staff, being verbally abused and sometimes physically abused by patients, and working 12 hours and only being allowed to take a 30-minute break). During the pandemic, some of the normal struggles were intensified but with added stress due to the increased volume and acuity of patients.
"Death is always hard but watching so many people expire in such a small time period was nerve-wracking and it became the new normal, bad as it sounds. In May, I lost three coworkers in one month due to COVID and I think that was when the reality of this pandemic really set in."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"The 'no visitor' policy was very much a struggle for everyone. On a personal level whenever I am not well, I call on my family for emotional support so I thoroughly understood the emotional stress patients endured during their hospital stay. I felt that our duty as nurses was to make patients feel as comfortable as possible even if that meant finding a few minutes to video chat family members as a comfort measure.
"At times, it was overwhelming because we were working under a lot of stress, with limited resources and short staff but we were now responsible for updating family members via phone. Imagine finally catching up on things and then the moment you think you had a moment to take a minute to yourself, you have several people on hold waiting on reassurance and depending on you for their confidence that their loved ones are going to be OK."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"I have always made my family a priority but recently they have been the only thing that keeps me going. I am a first-time mom and that in addition to the pandemic has been heavy mentally but every day I choose to be better than I was yesterday overall. In my downtime, I look up new recipes to try, exercise and plan safe but fun things for my two-year-old son. My son couldn't have been here at a better time because he is my encouragement to stay positive even in my struggles and I am grateful. My husband-to-be is also a nurse so it is helpful that I can vent to him and he understands on a level that not everyone can."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"The pandemic has solidified that my purpose has always been to help people. My biggest fear was always not being able to protect the people around me from such a virus. I cared more for them than myself and again nursing is the extension of my purpose. If I was to extract my personal attributes from my career and just looked at it on a financial gain, then nursing wouldn't be the field I would have chosen and that's how I knew it was more than the money for me. It takes a special person and God chose me."
Brandy Perry, BSN, RN
Courtesy of Brandy Perry
Title: Charge Nurse in Progressive Care Unit at Wellstar Paulding Hospital
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Six years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"Being on the frontline of the pandemic has been one of the most challenging times in my career. Caring for patients during this pandemic has been emotionally challenging because we are continuously fighting this battle for our patients and families. I pray every day that my patients will not say their last goodbye but will instead receive the great news that they can go home to their family."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"It has been challenging to watch my patients not having their families with them during this difficult time. On the other hand, I have gained many honorary aunts, uncles, parents, and grandparents in the last year. I am privileged that I was able to connect deeper with my patients as I know they needed my support and guidance more than ever."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"I find myself calling on my children, family members, and friends more often to check on them. It's also very important to have some downtime to rest and self-reflect on any stressful and challenging circumstances that I have encountered."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"I have never been so proud to be a nurse. I truly see the difference we make every day for our community."
Ashley Pugh, RN
Courtesy of Ashley Pugh
Title: Burn ICU Registered Nurse
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: 10 months
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"I came [into the nursing field] at a time when COVID was already ramping up so I don't know anything else. There's obviously less family at the bedside, but since I'm in a critical care area we are able to make exceptions for end of life situations."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"Fortunately, the COVID numbers are relatively low in the Burn ICU. We are also the only unit that cares for children. This allows us to make some exceptions in visitation on a case by case basis. Our leadership team also works hard to ensure that we are staffed in a way that allows us to have those caring moments with our patients."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"I'm not ashamed to say that I pamper myself big time. I've probably purchased every fancy skincare trend you can think of. I'm also a Louisiana girl so I've used this time to get in the kitchen and cook a lot of true Southern cuisine."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"This experience allows me to put faces on policies. A lot of times it's hard to understand how the government and political decisions impact individuals. Not anymore. It's important for nurses to use their voices and participate in the decision-making process. We have the experience and we have insight that is critical to improving the health of our country."
Lauren W., RN
Courtesy of Lauren W.
Title: Travel Nurse; currently working in Progressive Care Units
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Seven years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"Since the pandemic began in early 2020, there have been many changes in how nurses (and the healthcare system as a whole) approached patient care. For instance, while limiting the spread of infectious diseases within the hospital has always been a top priority, the stress around personal protective equipment, patient procedures, hospital staffing, and visitor policies have been the most highlighted this past year. We increasingly realize the importance of each role in this system. You appreciate the environmental service workers that clean your isolation rooms just as much as you appreciate that manager going the extra mile to get the appropriate staff and supplies. Do we still have a long road ahead of us? Yes. But I think we see how much we are interconnected, and how that plays into providing the best care possible."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"It was tough to see my patients feel alone and physically isolated from their support systems during this pandemic. Part of quality patient care is incorporating the family in the process. This gives the patient comfort in what could be the most stressful time of their lives, hospitalization. On top of that, you include a global pandemic that is taking lives every day. Therefore, as much as possible, I personally encourage that patient's family or emergency contact to call the patient throughout their stay, or make sure that the physician updates the family on their treatment plan in order to keep them involved and their anxiety low.
"If I have some extra time in between work duties, I even stay and talk with patients for a few more minutes. Most times, they just want a little more education on their treatment, to share their family or pet stories, or even just chat about their favorite TV program. While it may not seem like much, it could mean the world to someone, and make a stressful day turn around for the both of us."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"Due to a constant changing environment, work-life balance has been extremely important in maintaining my well-being. I found that doing solid work on my own mental, physical, and spiritual health helped me get through it. It is impossible to pour from an empty cup. Therefore, much effort is made in maintaining a healthy diet, my spiritual practices, and a support system of friends and family to keep my cup full. Even if that means setting boundaries, spending time alone catching up on my hobbies or favorite TV show, or even practicing social distancing with my mask as I take a nature walk. I have to take care of myself first, period. Thankfully, I also have been afforded the opportunity to leave my work at my job for the most part. I HAVE that title, I AM NOT that title."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"Throughout my nursing career, I am grateful to have worked as a leader and mentor in several institutions. Yet, my experiences this past year has solidified the importance of employee health and health education for everyone. Therefore, I recently obtained my graduate degree in public health and started a nurse blog, Hey Leux, to help me pursue this field. No organization can be successful without the health and well-being of their employees. Studies have even shown that contributions to an employee's work-life balance, training, compensation, and work environment can increase productivity and quality of service. I hope to combat this in the next chapter of my nursing career as an educator, and to continue to be a positive light and a guiding hand to those who need it."
Maisha 'Mai' Harvey, NP
Courtesy of Maisha 'Mai' Harvey
Title: Nurse Practitioner for Emergency Medicine
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: 15 years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"Burnout is at an all-time high. People are tired! You know burnout is real when you have no desire to work any overtime. They are literally throwing money at nurses and providers all across the country because of the shortage. It's one thing to work a lot of hours but pre- vs post-pandemic overtime just isn't the same. Between the pandemic, politics and the regular stressors of life, it wasn't easy facing a mysterious disease that's literally killing people daily.
"In full transparency, I shifted to Emergency Medicine from another specialty just three months prior to the pandemic as I was on the edge of burnout. I came off a schedule that was seven days on/seven days off to currently working three days a week. The new schedule has been a blessing for me in the pandemic as it has allowed me time to recover both mentally and physically. I've been intentional about preventing burnout which is why I haven't worked much overtime. The extra money comes with an emotional toll that's just not worth the trade for me."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"One side of the visitation restrictions not well known to the public is the personal aspect. My family, friends and friends of friends reach out for me to check on their loved ones who are admitted to the hospital. I've had family members and friends who have driven past numerous hospitals just to be at my hospital. They knew I'd be there and could always come by to check on them. Over the months, I had joy and some sadness making my rounds to check on people. Unfortunately, not everyone has survived. Experiencing this closeness followed by death more than once has emotionally been difficult but I wouldn't change a thing, nor do I have any regrets. It has been an honor to be there for the patient and their loved ones."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"I've actually spent more time in nature than ever. Previously, if it wasn't a beach or exploring a new county, I was not about that outside life! I found myself enjoying taking simple walks in my neighborhood. My meditation walks are very peaceful and energizing. It was something about the sun beaming on my skin and the alone time with my thoughts. It has been a much-needed escape from the unknown. Over the summer, I found local parks and even made day trips to random parks all over the state. Who knew Georgia had so many hiking trails with astonishing waterfalls? I even purchased a few plants but that isn't going too well right now. But they still bring me joy!"
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"My purpose has always been to educate my people about health. It's the main reason I went back to obtain not one but two advanced degrees. The pandemic has added an additional layer confirming this is where I'm supposed to be. People don't seem to understand how I can comfortably walk into a COVID patient's room with no fear. My response, I'm covered in the blood of Jesus and PPE! I was built for this!"
Stephanie McLean
Courtesy of Stephanie Mclean
Title: COVID Crisis Travel Nurse
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Seven years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"The COVID-19 crisis was something we as nurses did not anticipate, but we had to adapt quickly. Being on the frontlines and having to adjust to new screenings, protocols, and procedures daily was very overwhelming and a change from our routine pre-pandemic. My encounters with patients are met with more of a mental challenge, because now I must make sure I keep myself protected from this very contagious virus. From wearing an N95 mask for 12 plus hours, gowning up in full PPE to go into each room, and sometimes having to relay messages to patients from other healthcare providers are just a few of the ways my world has changed. This shift in the healthcare system has caused an increased patient care load and decreased time to really spend with each patient, which is tough for nurses like me who enjoy talking and spending time with their patients."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"One of the hardest parts of nursing during the pandemic has been trying to be a support system to my patients. Since there is a no visitor policy unless it is extenuating circumstances, we have become the closest thing to family on top of being their nurse. It is a challenging task when you become the only listening ear for your patients while they are experiencing so many emotions and spend most of their time alone. I have felt very overwhelmed at times because I am constantly thinking about how I can provide the best care on top of running around, charting, passing medications, and keeping up with doctors' orders.
"On one occasion, I was taking care of a patient that was battling terminal cancer and the policy was unless a patient was on comfort care, he or she could not have visitors. At this time, the decision was not made yet whether this patient would be transitioned to comfort care-only measures. I was on the phone with this man's wife; she was screaming and crying saying she just wanted to visit her husband. She stated they had young children at home, and she knew he was dying, and she just wanted to visit him. That broke my heart. I remember going into the manager's office and explaining the situation almost in tears. I just could not imagine being married and not being able to see my spouse in his last few moments. Thankfully, this situation was rectified, but I will always remember that conversation."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"On my off days, I take time to destress and I do a lot of self-care. Some of those things include exercising, juicing, meditating, and journaling. These activities help me to declutter my mind and recover mentally so I can be rejuvenated when I return to work."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"Working during this pandemic has solidified my purpose of why I became a nurse seven years ago. My passion has always been to serve people from all walks of life and play a part in them returning to their optimal level of health. In this pandemic, I feel like that has only been magnified. There are days that I have been stretched thin and pushed to the limits with so much responsibility. But in these moments, I am reminded that I was placed here for a reason and my patients are depending on me to deliver the best care possible!"
Bianca Ferguson, BSN, RN
Courtesy of Bianca Ferguson
Title: Medical-Surgical/Telemetry Registered Nurse
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Five years and seven months
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"For me being on the frontlines of a pandemic has been a life-changing experience. Before this pandemic, I went to work with a clear idea of how I would be taking care of my patients. I was confident that my skills and knowledge would get me through each shift. For the first time in my career, each day I walk into work with uncertainty of how the day will end."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"It has been an overwhelming, heartbreaking yet rewarding experience. For nurses, not only are we having to do our job, we are also having to be there to support our patients emotionally because their families aren't able to physically do so. I also feel that it is necessary to step in because emotional support can be beneficial to overall healing. It is heartbreaking because not only are these patients fighting to overcome COVID, they may feel alone, so if I can assist by staying in the room a little longer or holding my patient's hand to reassure them that they aren't alone, I'll do that."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"During these times, I have been lucky to have an amazing support system. My family and friends have supported and encouraged all my decisions during these times. I have found myself traveling to different states and assisting hospitals where the needs are far worse than what I have experienced in my hometown. I am supporting myself by praying, staying positive, and taking all precautions necessary to stay safe. As far as my mental health, I make it a requirement to meet with my therapist frequently to release frustration and recharge my positive energy."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"These times have only reassured me that I made the right decision to become a nurse. I made the right decision to choose a career that allows me to see someones vulnerability and deliver holistic care without judgment. During this pandemic, I have had the pleasure of being an ambassador for a movement here in Atlanta to help those in need. #wekeepatlantaalive is a movement geared to give credit to everyone on the frontlines while giving back to the community. A small percentage of any merchandise purchased will be put back into our community. Find out more here."
Kristeen Thrash BSN, RN
Courtesy of Kristeen Thrash
Title: Assistant Nurse Manager at Wellstar West Georgia Medical Center
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Seven years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"Working during a pandemic is something I never saw coming when I was in nursing school. It was something that I studied and read about but never fathomed. When COVID-19 first hit, we were afraid, nervous, and concerned for our team members and patients. However, I felt prepared. My professional experience and training as a nurse has helped me push through and remember why I am here in the first place."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"Serving as a support system to my patients has given me more purpose. There are so many joyful memories of serving our patients during the pandemic, including helping a patient connect with family by holding up the phone to initiate a FaceTime conversation. We have gotten extremely creative when it comes to getting our patients the support that they need."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"Something I try to make sure I do daily is unplug. When I am at home, I limit my time on my phone and make sure that I spend quality time with my daughters. I also enjoy reading my bible. COVID-19 has taught me how to seize the moment. Before COVID, I would always have my phone in my hand and spend countless hours watching TV, but those things are no longer a priority. My family, especially my children, have been a source of renewed strength, peace, and motivation. I also make sure that I take excellent care of myself spiritually, mentally, and emotionally."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"I feel like everything happens for a reason. I feel like God chose me to be here, in this place, because He has a higher calling on healthcare workers' lives during this season. Nurses are compassionate and feel that it is our duty to protect and save our communities, and I think that we (Wellstar and around the world) are doing an awesome job at it! This pandemic has shown me how strong and resilient healthcare workers really are, and it makes me proud to be a part of such a selfless a group of people."
Nurse Keziah, CPN
Courtesy of Nurse Keziah
Title: Certified Pediatric Nurse in Medical-Surgical, specializing in pediatric surgery and trauma cases
Length of Time She's Been a Nurse: Six years
The difference between working in a pandemic versus other times in her career:
"2020 was definitely the year of the nurse. The devastating impact of the COVID-19 virus on our communities made the role of nurses more important than ever before. There have been many tough days in my career as a nurse, but nothing comes close to the stress, fear, and anxiety that I have felt working as a nurse in the midst of this pandemic. In the early months of the pandemic, the hospital would adopt new system changes almost daily as new evidence was introduced about COVID-19. It was difficult to navigate through all of the changes at first, but with time, things became more adaptable. Health screenings, temperature checks, the use of masks, and visitor restrictions have become normal features of my work life."
How it has felt to be even more of a support system to patients amid COVID:
"COVID-19 has been devastating for everyone involved. Strict visitation restrictions have affected all patients, not only those diagnosed with COVID-19. It has been difficult seeing the mental health and psychosocial effects of the pandemic on our pediatric patients. Many patients are admitted with complex psychosocial backgrounds where parental support is limited or non-existent. On our unit, we have experienced an increase in gunshot wounds and child abuse cases, particularly affecting our young African-American patients. Let's not forget, we are fighting two different wars here: COVID-19 and racism. Racism and implicit bias have been issues in nursing for a long time. I have found it increasingly important to provide support to patients with little to no support after suffering from trauma. I have made an effort to sit and talk with patients who are alone or hold crying infants who have been deprived from their parents."
What she does for mental health and wellness during a pandemic:
"It truly takes a special person to be a nurse. We often neglect our own self-care, while working hard to care for those in our communities. I have experienced a ton of anxiety and depression during the pandemic as I have struggled to manage stress from work and school while being forced to socially distance in the midst of a global pandemic. As a night shift nurse, I often struggled with social isolation and sleep deprivation; but these challenges have become a lot more difficult to manage as the pandemic progresses. I have created wellness goals for myself to holistically address my mental and physical health needs. These goals include reducing screen-time on mobile devices and television, reading more books for leisure, cooking healthy meals at home, increasing my physical activity, blogging more consistently, and being more intentional in my interactions with family members and friends.
"This past year has taught me to the importance of maintaining strong connections. Life can be taken away from us in an instant, so it is important to forgive others and cherish each moment with those special people in your life."
How her purpose as a nurse has been solidified:
"Although pediatric patients were being diagnosed with COVID-19, this population did not require hospitalization at the same rates as adult populations. At the start of the pandemic, low census rates resulted in many lay-offs and reduced work hours for hospital staff at my current organization. I would sometimes feel guilty being flexed from a shift, knowing that nurses around the world were losing their lives from working overtime in COVID-19 hotspots. But after seeing the impact that the care I am providing has had on my own community, I understand that each nurse plays an important role in preserving our communities and keeping our nation healthy.
"Nurses around the world are risking their own physical and mental health to provide care and support for strangers while putting themselves and their own families at risk. Working in healthcare during a pandemic has been difficult, but I have never been more proud to be a nurse. We are the true heroes."
For more information about the National Black Nurses Association, visit their website, www.nbna.org. Keep up with Wellstar by following them on Instagram @wellstarhealth.
Featured image via Alicia Coley
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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Take monogamy, for example. When I was growing up, it meant "married to one person for a lifetime." This meant that you couldn't be remarried and technically consider yourself monogamous (because you're not with the first person you said vows to). And you definitely couldn't be living with someone or in a long-term relationship and use the word. No, for you, something like "exclusive" would be more accurate (and that's actually the word that I lean into in those instances even now).
These days, though, the goalpost says that monogamy is "marriage with only one person at a time." So, while people who've had more than one spouse can now use the word, when it comes to what we're about to dive into today (a monogamy agreement), folks who are interested in those would still be far better off going with something like "exclusive" to drive their point home. That's because this topic doesn't really have anything to do with marriage…although it does approach commitment in an interesting kind of way.
Yeah, in a world that is ever finding ways to change marriage, redefine marriage or figure out how close they can get to marriage without actually getting married, monogamy agreements have entered the chat. And because we try to cover as many bases as possible, basically on the "FYI tip," I wanted to take a moment to break down what exactly they are.
Let’s Tackle Traditional Marriage First. For Clarity’s Sake.
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I won't lie — even as someone who's been working with married couples for many years now, whenever I happen upon a healthy (first) and happy (second) married couple of more than a decade, I'm halfway in shock. That's because, these days, people seem to treat the sacredness of marriage like they would a dating relationship — they have a big party in the form of a wedding, pledge to God and everyone present that they're not going anywhere (Ecclesiastes 5:1-7) and that their love is patient (I Corinthians 13:4) and then, somewhere down the line, when things get rough, they end it…only to rinse and repeat.
Now when it comes to things like infidelity and abuse, that's not what I'm speaking of here. I'm talking about there are so many people acting like they are married before they actually are (a boyfriend or girlfriend is not a husband or wife) that by the time they do say "I do," they are numbed out to the fact that a marriage is supposed to be several steps up in seriousness and sacredness than a dating dynamic is.
I definitely could go on and on about how there is supposed to be a boatload of integrity behind the vows that are exchanged between two people. However, this article isn't about marriage — it's about monogamy agreements. What I will say about marriage, for now, is it's not just about if you love someone a lot. Ask any pastor, marriage counselor, or even lawyer worth their merit, and they will confirm the fact that marriage is a legal contract — that you are not just vowing sentiments and emotional promises. No, under the law of marriage, there are also certain rights and responsibilities that you are agreeing to as well. That's why people should go into marriage with a very sober and level-headed mind because they're a lot easier to get into than they are to get out of. No doubt about it.
Speaking of legalities, let's touch on marriage licenses for a moment, shall we? Because there is something about them that you actually may not know (that I absolutely think that you should).
So, What’s the Deal with Marriage Licenses and Marriage Certificates?
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Although this really could get its own article, let me just say that marriage licenses definitely deserve some level of side-eye in this country. Even though history says that it started out as being a business contract in England, in America, the long short of it is racist politicians used marriage licenses as a way to keep track of interracial couples (you can read more about it here, here, and here). Yep. So, that's part of the reason why even some traditionally married couples are not super fond of marriage licenses — because, basically, the government is "regulating" the relationship on some level.
With that cleared up, just what is the difference between a marriage license and a marriage certificate? Good question. A marriage license is what allows you to get married in your state prior to saying "I do," while a marriage certificate is a document that proves you are married once your wedding ceremony is actually over.
Can you get a marriage certificate without a marriage license? The short answer would be "no," although couples who fall into the category of "common law marriage" sometimes are able to work around this based on what state they live in. For everyone else, getting married without a marriage license is basically a commitment ceremony. That's because, in order to get a marriage license or marriage certificate, your state's county clerk would have to issue you one.
Now, I ain't got no lies to tell you — go to YouTube, and you will see a good amount of videos (like this one here) stating that not only can you work around not getting a marriage license, you absolutely should. To that, I'll just say that one of the biggest problems with social media is everyone is a so-called expert now, even if they have no credentials to back it up. So with that in mind, if this section of the article has you tempted to go down a long rabbit hole (and I totally get it if it does), speak with some people who have actual and literal experience in the field in your state. Don't just go rogue with your own resolve (please don't let YouTube and TikTok hem you up).
Okay, So What Is This Whole Monogamy Agreement Thing About?
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So, what does all of that have to do with a monogamy agreement? Well, in order to explain why some people are opting for it as an alternative to a marriage license (or marriage altogether), it was important to explain marriage licenses and certificates just so that you could clearly get what the differences are.
Now that you know, a monogamy agreement is pretty much just how it sounds: it's an agreement that is established between two people who want to have some form of a commitment to one another, yet they don't want all of the legalities that come with traditional marriage.
If you're trying to wrap your head around that, I'll explain it to you this way. You've probably heard someone say that they wish that the marriage contract could be renegotiated every few years. For instance, rather than being "locked into" until death parts us, every five years or so, they wish that they could revisit their marriage to see if they want to opt-out, change certain initial agreements, or restructure the marriage altogether. Well, for folks who are wired this way, a monogamy agreement is probably the best route for them to take because, again, although it's not a legally binding contract, it is a formal agreement between them and their partner about what each of their expectations is.
See it like an integrity agreement — no one is making assumptions about where things stand or where things are headed (hopefully); the monogamy agreement puts things in black and white so that it's all crystal clear.
And when I say "black and white," I literally mean just that. Again, although it's not a legal contract, it is a document that lays everything out so that there is no confusion. And what do I mean by "everything"? It's totally up to you and your partner, yet some of the things that people usually include are goals and values, sexual expectations, financial responsibilities, boundaries (both in and outside of the relationship), how infidelity is defined, ultimate goals for the relationship — and yes, when the agreement is up for renegotiation whether that's in a year, five years or 10.
Who Should Consider a Monogamy Agreement?
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Now that you know more about what a monogamy agreement is, let's begin to land this plane with the people a monogamy agreement may be best suited for. While at the end of the day, the short answer is anyone who wants one, there's a specific reason why I decided to even broach this topic.
It's because, while it's not (yet) earth-shattering in either direction, marriage is somewhat on the decline as cohabitation is on the rise in this country. And while research continues to reveal that married couples are more satisfied with their relationship than folks who live together and many who do cohabitate, they see it as a stepping stone towards becoming spouses at some point, let's not act like millennials (and under) aren't a bit gun shy when it comes to saying "I do."
Reportedly, 56 percent of them are not married. For many women, it's because they are prioritizing their education and careers over marriage and a family. Also, some suffer from what is known as gamophobia (the technical term for having a fear of getting married), in part due to a pattern of failed relationships, being the child of divorce (divorce affects children more than a lot of people want to accept) and what getting divorced themselves could possibly cost them. Then there are those who just never wanted to get married…yet that doesn't mean that they don't believe in some form of commitment on some level.
For individuals who don't want to casually date or even just sit at the "boyfriend/girlfriend level" for years on end, monogamy agreements may be a solid fit. You can have your own version of a commitment ceremony (or not), knowing that you're not on one page regarding what your relationship is about while your partner is somewhere totally different. There's no confusion because you literally have documentation about where the two of you are.
Now, I will say this: no agreement works if two people's words are trash (LOL). Yet honestly, that can apply to traditional marriage or a monogamy agreement. I'm just putting you on to what a monogamy agreement is all about if you've been trying to figure out how to have a serious commitment without a legal contract.
No doubt about it, monogamy agreements are gaining some real traction out in these streets.
Something for the committed-yet-not-marriage-minded.
Interesting, right? Relationships always are, chile.
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