Not too long ago, a friend of mine and I were listening to Intro’s extended mix of “Come Inside” in their car. As we both laughed at how much we now sound like our parents (because we are discussing how music isn’t made like that anymore), something I said was, “It really did have quite a bit of dirty talk in it, didn’t it?” to which my friend replied, “Yeah…a lot of folks aren’t good at that either.”
He’s right. Believe it or not, if there is one thing that many of my clients wish that they got more of from their partner, it’s dirty talk — and if there is one thing that their partner is a “deer in headlights” even thinking about, it’s the same thing.
If that’s you, it’s time to break free. Although dirty talk absolutely comes more naturally to some than others, it’s not something that you have to avoid like the plague or feel self-conscious about. Don’t believe me? Apply the following seven tips and then hop in the comments to let me know if it made you more of a dirty talk pro.
I’m totally confident that if you are committed to applying them, it will do just that.
1. Start Well Before Entering the Bedroom
GiphyAn academic by the name of Camille Paglia once said, “Pursuit and seduction are the essence of sexuality. It's part of the sizzle.” A writer by the name of Marya Mannes once said, “All really great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction.” Actor Rae Dawn Chong once said, “You can seduce a man without taking anything off, without even touching him.” When it comes to all of these, if you were paying semi-close attention, one word that they all had in common is seduction.
In the context of what we’re talking about today, seduction is about attracting, enticing and persuading — and when it comes to pulling this off in the dirty talk department, you don’t have to be an award-winning pro.
Text him a sexy picture of you in the middle of his workday. Share a favorite sexual memory in graphic detail. Tell him what your favorite body part of his is. Plan a sexy date that, to him, will be totally out of the blue. Drop off a package to his job that contains his favorite-colored lingerie. Leave a voice note for him that features what you adore most about him.
Although this article is all about becoming better/more confident when it comes to dirty talking, by focusing on the art of seduction first, that actually gets you halfway there. TRUST ME.
2. Learn to Enjoy (or at Least Embrace) the Sound of Your Own Voice
GiphySo, on the heels of that voice note tip: If a part of you is uncomfortable with dirty talking because you are a bit self-conscious when it comes to the sound of your own voice, two hacks for this is to either play the voice note back to yourself before sending it OR cup your hand behind your ears to where your ears are closer to you; then say something. Believe it or not, what you hear is pretty darn close to how you sound on the phone.
Okay, so with either of these exercises, upon listening, what, in your opinion, would make you sound…sexier? Speaking more softly? Going down half an octave? Putting more breath or whispering into what you are saying?
Playing around with one’s voice a bit is actually something all of us should do because, saying “I want you” in a sultry voice translates very differently than speaking in a way where you sound like you are hanging out with friends at a bar. Tone is a big deal with dirty talk and in the area of having a sexy one, practice makes perfect.
3. Clearly Articulate Your Needs
GiphyAside from the whole voice thing, something else that makes some people self-conscious when it comes to dirty talking is either stating what their sexual needs are or finding a way to clearly articulate them. Yet you know how the saying goes: closed mouths don’t get fed — and that is indeed the truth.
When it comes to this particular tip, take some time out to do some sex journaling first. Literally write down what you need from your partner. And how do you figure that out as opposed to a want? Well, a need is something that you find to be absolutely essential — and for sex to be a pleasurable and fulfilling experience for you, what would those things be? Do you need lots of cunnilingus? Do you need some soft music and a massage to set the mood? Do you need to get into a certain position in order to “get there”?
I promise you that a good lover absolutely wants to know what you need. And if you share those thoughts in the throes of intimacy, whether you believe it or not, that is absolutely and without question a form of dirty talk.
4. Ask Questions
GiphyAnyone who has amazing sex on a consistent basis will tell you that if there is one place to check your ego at the door, it’s in the boudoir. That said, just like you should figure out what your needs are and then share them with your partner, at the same time, you should never assume that you know everything that he needs — or even that his needs are the same each and every time the two of you come (and cum) together.
That’s why you should also ask him questions. What does he like? What does he fantasize about? What does he need in the moment? What did he enjoy most about the last time the two of you were together? What does he need more of that he hasn’t stated?
I’m telling you, I’ve worked with couples long enough to confidently state that when a man feels like his partner is genuinely interested in and concerned about his sexual needs, that alone makes him want to please her on a whole ‘nother level. Plus, it’s a very sexy and seductive thing to do and, again, dirty talk is all about seduction.
5. Get Comfortable with Getting “Dirty”
GiphyI have a friend who loathes the word “p*ssy.” Although I personally can’t relate (just sayin’), I get that some words affect people differently (because I also know some people who hate the word “f*ck” and I can’t relate to that either — LOL).
It reminds me of a podcast that I did recently. I cussed in it and the host said, “So, you obviously don’t have a problem with profanity” to which I replied, “Neither do you with that big ass Christmas tree behind you. Profane literally means pagan.” Now, to be fair, profanity means things like vulgar and irreverent — however, what that is can be based on perception to a large degree (especially since there are studies which reveal that people who cuss tend to be smarter, are more honest and are usually happier too).
My point? If cussing or dirty talking isn’t your thing simply because it isn’t, that is perfectly fine. On the other hand, if you have hang-ups about either because of someone else’s opinion(s), you might need to ponder that. At the very least, consider that “dirty words” may have a certain time and place.
For you, the bedroom may be where they need to transpire — without any guilt or reservation too; especially since studies also say that cussing and “dirty word usage” are things that can naturally happen during emotional arousal and that it can relax you to the point where it might be easier for you to climax if you say and/or hear them.
6. Multi-Task
GiphyWhat exactly do I mean by this point here? Something that some of my clients have told me is the reason why they are damn near silent, especially during foreplay, is because talking makes them feel really awkward — like they are standing out like a sore thumb. Every time I hear that, I delve out the same advice: sex is a sport for all five of your senses (sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch), so get into multi-tasking.
When you are taking off your clothes, tell him what you are most excited about doing to and with him. Ask him what kind of pressure he enjoys while giving him a hand job (check out “Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage”). Tell him how you want to be kissed while he’s going down on you and you are massaging his scalp.
Dirty talking is not like giving a — pardon the pun — oral presentation at work. You don’t just have to stand, sit or lie there rambling words. Do it while you are doing, umm, other things. Sexual multi-tasking takes the pressure off, in the best way possible.
7. DON’T OVERTHINK IT
GiphyI can’t think of one area where overthinking is truly beneficial — however, during sex and while you’re dirty talking is definitely on the top of the list of “Please don’t do it.” Y’all, a part of the fun of sex is you can be spontaneous, put your guard/walls down and be totally…free. And so, short of screaming out another guy’s name or being insulting, don’t put too much thought into what you “should” say. Focus on just being in the moment and verbally expressing what you feel about that.
Y’all, oftentimes, this hack right alone is enough to make you better at dirty talking than you thought you would and could be. Less thinking. More expressing. HOT.
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RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Bamboo Leaf Tea
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried bamboo leaf tea before. If you’re a doula like myself, you may have recommended it to a mom who is getting really close to her due date because some studies say that it can help with uterine contractions when it comes to making them more bearable.
Because we are focusing strictly on beauty today, though, this particular tea makes the list because it’s rich in amino acids, magnesium, zinc, antioxidants, copper, potassium and calcium that all work together to provide you with healthy skin, strong hair with reduced breakage and, thanks to the silica that is in it, nails that will grow the length that you want them to as well.
2. Warm Pea Milk
Another word for warm pea milk is ripple milk; it’s a milk alternative that’s been made from yellow peas that is rich in protein, Vitamin D, iron, potassium and calcium (reportedly 150 percent more than cow’s milk. Wild, right?). Since it’s great for the environment (y’all, almond milk actually isn’t) and it’s low in sugar and carbs, that’s why it’s becoming more and more popular, en masse.
As far as beauty tips go, this is a drink to try because, mentioned nutrients aside, something else that it is rich in is sunflower oil. Your skin will appreciate that because sunflower oil helps to protect it from free radicals while supporting your skin’s barrier so that it remains moisturized for longer periods of time. This oil, along with the vtamin E that it also contains can reduce hair breakage and, since sunflower oil also has antifungal properties, it can help to prevent fungal infections on your nails while providing a natural sheen to them.
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3. Mexican Hot Chocolate
If nothing makes you happier than a cup of hot chocolate, treat yourself to some Mexican hot chocolate before the holiday season ends. It’s basically hot chocolate that has a bit of a “kick” to it, thanks to the chili and/or cayenne and cinnamon powders that are added to it.
And yes, it’s those things that help to make it a great beauty drink too. Since chili powder (which is ground chili peppers) contains the chemical compound capsaicin, that can reduce the pain and inflammation that is associated with psoriasis; plus, it helps to reduce skin inflammation, reduces the appearance of cellulite and contains anti-aging properties too. Cinnamon has been known to support hair growth while hindering hair loss and word on the street is cinnamon is an all-natural way to treat toe fungus as well.
4. Hot Oaxacan Penicillin Cocktail
I’ll be honest — out of all of these, the one that I learned the most about is a drink known as the Hot Oaxacan Penicillin Cocktail. What makes it hot is hot water. What makes it a “beauty drink” is the tequila, ginger and honey. Tequlia can be good for your skin, thanks to the astringent properties that are in it. Ginger is good for your skin because its antioxidant, anti-inflammatory, anticancer and antimicrobial properties can help to slow down the aging process.
Ginger is also good for your hair because it stimulates your hair follicles, so that they can get more of the nutrients that they need while helping to soothe and heal an irritated scalp. Ginger can also to keep your nails nice and healthy. And honey? Honey is a humectant; this means that it can help to keep your skin, hair and nails moisturized from the inside out.
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5. Milk Thistle Tea
I grew up with a mother who basically obsessed over herbs, so I’ve been knowing about milk thistle, in supplement form, for a long time now. What I remember most about it is it’s an herb that helps to detox your liver — and that alone can make it a great beauty addition since, the clearer your system is, the healthier your skin, hair and nails will be in return. In fact, thanks to its pretty potent antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties, milk thistle can help to speed up the healing process of acne.
Also, it can help to even out your skin, slow down signs of aging and deeply hydrate your skin too. Your hair will like milk thistle because it helps to stimulate hair growth while also helping to prevent hair loss. And, as far as your nails go, milk thistle is great because it supports the production of keratin, so that your nails remain strong instead of brittle.
6. Wassail
Right around Christmastime, many people find themselves drinking wassail. It’s basically a type of apple cider that has citrus fruit, fresh apples and spices in it (sometimes it also has cranberries and bourbon or brandy in it too). In fact, since there are so many ingredients in this particular drink, I’m only going to shout-out a few ways that it benefits your hair, skin and nails (feel free to Google each ingredient for more intel).
Apples are good for your skin because they are loaded with antioxidants that can help to keep your skin healthy. They also have acids in them that can help to prevent too much dead skin accumulation; plus, they contain collagen that can keep your skin looking young, fresh and radiant. The spice nutmeg is good for your hair because it contains properties that reduce hair shedding, dandruff flakes and it helps to heal scalp infections. Another popular spice in wassail is cloves. They can be good for your nails because they can fight nail fungus; oftentimes before it even starts.
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7. Honey, Lemon and Mint Water
If you’re feeling like a cold is coming on, the combination of honey, lemon and mint water can do you a world of good. Not only is honey soothing to a sore throat, it contains properties that can actually shorten the lifespan of a cold. Lemon contains vitamin C that can help to boost your immune system. And mint water? Well, it has antimicrobial, anti-inflammatory and antioxidant properties that can help to fight the viruses that cause colds in the first place.
Beauty-wise, this combination is impressive too. Honey also has antimicrobial properties that can help to keep breakouts at bay. Your hair will like honey because it reduces breakage while adding shine. And your nails? Honey can keep your nails strong and your cuticles in a hydrated state, so that you don’t have to worry about hangnails so much. The vitamin C in lemons helps to boost your collagen levels so that your skin, hair and nails looks youthful. And mint water is an awesome detoxifier for your skin, clarifier as a hair rinse and it’s another way to keep your nails looking healthy from the inside out.
8. Crockpot Red Wine Hot Cocoa
Geeze: wine and cocoa? In the same drink?! Yep. Not only is this particular recipe absolutely delicious but, as we close this all out, it’s one more drink that is good for you, from head to toe. You can read my article “12 Ways Dark Chocolate Can Benefit Your Body From Head To Toe” to learn more about how chocolate is able to soften the appearance of wrinkles, protect your skin from damaging skin rays and deeply nourish your scalp. Also, dark chocolate can help your nails because the copper in chocolate can help to fight off bacteria while the magnesium and iron in chocolate are able to produce the healthy forms of keratin that your nails are made out of.
And red wine? Skin-wise, it helps to protect it from free radicals, reduces inflammation and improves both the texture and tone of your skin over time. Hair-wise, it helps to reduce frizz while also fighting to prevent hair loss. Also, since red wine contains properties that slow down cellular aging, it can help to keep your hands and nails looking younger for longer periods of time too.
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Is there anything more soothing and comforting than a mug that is full of a warm and delicious drink? And now that you know of something that can have you looking better than you already do — it’s time to Instacart some of these ingredients (recipes are featured in some of the hyperlinks).
Your skin, hair and nails are just waiting for you to!
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