When you work in the self-help sphere, something that you tend to hear often is the word "sabotage". More specifically, self-sabotage. Due to all kinds of issues that really deserve their own word count space, there are all kinds of reasons for why people sabotage their romantic relationships, certain job opportunities and one other thing that I'm gonna tackle today—friendships. I know it probably sounds super Mister-Rodgers-like to say that the best way to be a friend to someone else is to first be a friend to yourself; however, that really is the truth because, the reality is, to sabotage is to "undermine a cause". That said, it really is difficult to esteem your connections with other people when you don't see the true value in yourself, first. Once you do, though, that can lead you to the kind of friendships that are best for you, second. Yep, the two things pretty much go hand in hand.
It's important that I put that on record because, before getting into some of the toxic habits that can easily sabotage a friendship, it's a good idea to ask yourself if you're in a good space with your own self. For the sake of knowing the purpose of your friendships. For the sake of setting healthy boundaries in your friendships. Also, for the sake of not doing some of the stuff that ultimately ends friendships—friendships that actually can consist of mutual love and yet, they can still go super south due to issues like the following seven that I'm about to share with you.
1. Not Being Honest
OK. I know that, off top, when I say "not being honest", it probably looks like I'm referring to people who lie (check out "This Is How To Tell If Someone's Lying To You"). Lawd chile. If you've got friends who lie to you all of the time, there is absolutely nothing healthy about that. I will say that I was once very close to a pathological liar. While I sensed that "something in the buttermilk ain't clean", on a few levels, it wasn't until their therapist required that they spill the beans that I recognized the magnitude of how far the falsehoods actually went. In hindsight, I realize that my codependency stuck around for the BS. Meaning, I overlooked what my gut was telling me because I wanted to be there for them and, in some ways, they nurtured the relationship on other levels (like they were giving and supportive).
Anyway, no one who constantly lies to you is a friend to you (or to themselves). That's not actually what I'm talking about, though. What I'm referring to, specifically, are passive aggressive folks. You know what I'm talking about—the kind of people who tell you they are fine when they aren't. The kind of people who present your friendship as one way in your presence and another way when they are talking to others. The kind of people who give you the impression that you're much closer to them than you actually are (check out "Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?")—and it basically all boils down to the fact that they aren't being real, genuine and/or candid with you. Not necessarily because there is some shady or malicious intent. It's mostly because they aren't letting their guard down enough to reveal who they really and truly are. As a result, your friendship with them is more of a façade than anything else. Hmph. "Façade" is actually a really good word because it means superficial. Superficial is surface stuff. And when it comes to true friendships, staying on the surface all of the time doesn't really work. If not immediately…eventually.
2. Not Taking What You Dish Out
I say it often and I mean it every time that I do—a lot of people out here don't want friends; what they're actually looking for is fans. There are a billion different reasons why. One of them is because a lot of folks are extremely insecure. They're envious. They're always causing drama (usually because they don't trust well, so they are constantly creating problems in their mind). They're negative. They're disingenuous. They constantly live in a state of denial (facts and truth mean very little to them). Know what else? They are usually very critical of others. Here's the really fascinating thing about that—they can't handle it when the mirror is put in front of their own face and you are even a little critical of them.
The best kinds of friends aren't people who only tell you what you want to hear. That's not friendship, that is flattery, and flattery, more times than not, tends to have ulterior motives. So yes, emotionally mature people are well-aware of the fact that sometimes their friends are gonna call them out on their ish, tell them when they are dead wrong, and definitely be the kind of support system that holds them to the kind of standard that will ultimately make them a better individual.
If you've got someone in your life who feels 1000 percent like they are to serve that role in your life yet when the tables turn, they play the victim, lash out or give you the cold shoulder—not only is this a sign that they can't take what they dish out, it also means you are involved with someone who is so internally fragile that they could cause your friendship with them to break. Literally.
3. Not Honoring Specific Needs
Something that I personally think doesn't get addressed enough is the fact that having multiple friendships can be more challenging than having a spouse in the sense that, when you get married (at least in this country), you're with one person. Yes, it can be challenging and trying at times to figure out how to make that relationship, not only work but last; still, it's just ONE person. Friendships? Whew. Real ones are also quite intimate. And since everyone has their own personality, likes and dislikes and even relational expectations, figuring out how to keep your friendships in a good space can sometimes require more time, effort and energy than many actually want to do.
No doubt about it, one of the biggest causes of sabotaged friendships is the fact that far too many people take on that "one size fits all" approach when that couldn't be further from the truth. Since every person you are friends with is an individual, it's important to do things like learn their love language, figure out some of their triggers, learn how some of their past has made them how they are in the present and also definitely figure out what their relational needs are (as they do the same thing for you).
I've got a friend who hates gifts yet needs a good amount of quality time. I've got a friend who hates physical touch yet is really verbally affirming. One of my friends, I don't know if you could ever say anything to hurt their feelings (we've been homies for almost 30 years now). Meanwhile, I have another who is sweet as honey and yet super sensitive, almost to the point of walking on eggshells. Back in the day, I used to be the kind of person who was like, "I'm just me. Y'all deal with it." Yet the older I get and the more I learn that healthy friendships aren't a dime a dozen, I now make adjustments so that my friends can get just what they need from me. No two friendships are just alike. Figuring out what each friend needs in order for your friendship to thrive can definitely help the relationship to go the distance. If you don't do this…well.
4. Not Being Appreciative
There is a friendship that I had from my 20s right up until I turned 40. Around that time, I had to transition out of. There were a couple of issues within it; however, the one that had me be like, "Yeah, that's it" was the fact that this person had become so entitled that I basically couldn't stand to be in their presence anymore. All of us know certain things that we do well, right? Well, something that most folks know about me is I'm a pretty big giver—and I definitely enjoy blessing my friends. Yet this individual, I had done so much for them, that it got to a point where they started to expect it—and even acted like I was out of pocket when I would say "no", at times. So, why did I stay around for so long? Because they had other good qualities. They kept things in confidence. They prayed for me like no other person would. We had years of history and had supported one another through many people, places, things and ideas. Yet, that lack of appreciation thing really started to take its toll.
Appreciation is a really big thing in friendships. It's not just about being grateful; it's also about making sure that your friend knows that you are aware of what they bring into the friendship. It's about doing things that express how much you value them. A wise person once said, "Not everyone will appreciate what you do for them. You have to figure out who's worth your kindness and who's just taking advantage." Listen, you can love someone all day long. If you don't express that in a form of gratitude, you still could lose them, though. Straight up.
5. Not “Customizing” Each Friendship
To a certain degree, I've already addressed this point. Still, it's important enough that I think we should go, just a bit deeper. Remember how I said that no two friendships are just alike? OK, say that you're ready to buy a new couch. At the end of the day, all couches have basically the same function. Yet things do come into play like the design, the color, the fabric that it's made out of, the size, etc. Based on what you prefer, you could end up with a couch that you hate or one that you absolutely adore.
Friendships are similar in the sense that some people just want a movie date or wine tasting buddy. Some want a person who they can share their deepest secrets with, knowing that it won't go anywhere. Some want someone who they can be on the same page with when it comes to spiritual insights or professional goals. My confidant and I don't talk nearly as much as my godchildren's mother and I do. At the same time, my confidant knows that they can ring me at 4 a.m. to discuss or vent about whatever. Meanwhile, my godchildren's mom has a very taxing career, so we have to schedule time to spend time together; plus, I've gotta be super flexible in the sense that the schedule could actually change at the last minute. There's no reason to become frustrated with either dynamic. They are individuals. That's just the way it is.
One of the best things about having really good friends is the details that you know about one another. You get each other's preferences. You know one another's quirks. You don't compare them to other friendships that you have. You see each other as true individuals. Unfortunately, far too many friendships get sabotaged because folks loop their friends all in together in the sense that they give everyone the same kind of focus when things really need to be more…customized than that.
6. Not Being Proactive
I will say this until each and every single cow in the world comes home. One of the biggest causes of broken relationships, ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP, is the fact that far too many people opt for being reactive rather than proactive. What I mean by that is, they get lazy in their relationships and so they wait until their friend is irritated or even angry or hurt before putting any real attention into the friendship. If you know that your friend is big on birthdays, stop missing it and then circling back with a "happy belated" greeting card. If you know something seems a little "off" between you and your friend, don't wait for things to get worse; ask questions in order to gain some clarity. If they've pointed out to you a trigger, do your best to avoid stomping on it with your words and actions. Don't wait until a special occasion to do something special for them. And more than anything, try and be consistent in the good things that you do. Consistency is a superpower that truly doesn't get all of the credit that it deserves.
One of my closest friendships, a part of the reason why it has remained that way for so long is because we both are proactive in the sense of wanting to make the other feel like they are on the radar and not taken for granted. Proactiveness shows others that they are on your mind. Proactiveness shows that you want them to continue to be a part of your life. Proactiveness prevents you from being lazy in your friendships—so that you don't have to constantly try and fix things by acting reactively.
7. Not Allowing the Friendship to Evolve
Let's conclude this with a huge friendship sabotage issue. Two of my favorite quotes on personal evolution is, "Many people don't want to see you grow and evolve because growth intimidates those who live complacent lifestyles" (Unknown) and "Life is about evolving. Don't stay in a situation that's not helping you grow mentally, spiritually and emotionally" (Unknown). A very huge life reality is, that you can't evolve without change and as you change, that can cause your friendships to shift to some extent. Maybe you've taken on a new job that requires that you move. That is going to shift your friendship. Maybe you're single and your BFF is about to get married. That is going to shift your friendship. Perhaps you're pregnant. That is going to shift your friendship. Or you might've just lost someone very close to you. That is going to shift your friendship (death changes people; that isn't talked about enough either). Honestly, if you're making the most of every day of every year, growth is going to transpire—and that is going to shift your friendship. Especially since your friend is probably growing too.
This is why flexibility, to a large extent, is so important. You've got to love and respect your friends enough to give them to space to transform as they get older, are exposed to more, and learn more things. In return, they need to do the same thing for you as well. If you keep trying to hold people to who they were in college or when they were single or, to some extent, who they were last year—it's only going to lead to unrealistic expectations, a certain amount of frustration and, at some point, it could result in your friendship with them ending.
You get old and mature enough and you accept that a lot of friendships don't have to consist of big problems and huge "fallouts". Still, if you're not staying ahead of what can sabotage your friendships—those seemingly little things that can become huge over time—you can still lose precious members of your tribe. Good friends are hard to come by. Do everything in your power to avoid toxic habits that could end up sabotaging them.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- 10 Signs You're Standing In Your Own Way - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
Okay, so when you hear the term “mental health,” what immediately comes to your mind? As a marriage life coach, for me, it’s oftentimes articles that have to do with some sort of mental health-related crisis or, even when it comes to many of my clients, trying to help a relationship when it’s on the brink of total and utter despair. That’s really unfortunate too because, in my opinion, if more focus was placed on signs that we are in a great mental space and more tips were provided on how to either get or remain there, I think a lot of us would find ourselves in far more positive space — a lot more of the time.
And just what are some indications that you’re doing well on the emotional wellness tip? You really like yourself. You treat others the way that you want to be treated. You live with a spirit of gratitude. You know how to adjust well to change and differences (within and outside of yourself). You are aware of your purpose and are doing all that you can to manifest it on a daily basis (check out “What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'?,” “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose” and “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'”).
And how do you know when it’s time to put everything aside and tend to your mental health? When you feel any type of extreme fatigue, whether it’s physical, mental, or emotional; when your attitude is sarcastic, cynical, or apathetic; when you’re not giving your best to what you are doing (or have no clue why you are doing some of the things that you are doing); when you’re sacrificing too much of who you are in order to make something (or things) work, and/or when your spiritual self is compromised.
Today, if any of those warning signs just resonated with you, I’m gonna do you a solid. In the spirit of getting — and keeping — you in a great mental health state, here are 12 hacks that can help you out if you’re needing a bit of a right-now-pick-me-up.
1. Wear a Bright Color
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Whether you choose to believe it or not, color psychology is a very real thing. Yep, there is quite a bit of data out here to support that the colors that you choose to surround yourself with can have an impact on your mood(s). For instance, I read an article that said over half of individuals associate black with sadness, red with love, and yellow with joy.
So, if you happen to wake up on the wrong side of the bed one morning, before you pull out something black because perhaps it’s slimming or even convenient, why not go with a bright hue instead? Orange can give you an energy boost, green conveys joy and lilac cultivates a feeling of calm. (Color) psychology says so.
2. Rub Some Clementine Oil on a Pressure Point
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Something that I’m always gonna be good for is hipping you to an essential oil that you may not have heard of before, and today, it’s clementine oil. Whether you’re looking for a way to strengthen your immunity, bring some health and beauty to your skin, or want to feel better on your way to work (or you need something that will help you to get you through the rest of your workday), clementine oil has a reputation for making all of these things happen.
The reason why it’s a good idea to apply it to places like your hands or feet is because there are many nerve endings in both spots that connect throughout your body. Plus, essential oils have a tendency to absorb well (and fast) in those places, too.
3. Snack on Some Sunflower or Pumpkin Seeds
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If you’ve always looked at snacking as a low-key cuss word, this would be the day to stop doing that. So long as you snack on the right kinds of foods and do it in moderation, it can actually be beneficial for you. For instance, as far as your mental health is concerned, snacking can help raise your blood sugar levels (in a good way) and provide you with an energy boost.
Two low-calorie snacks that are especially beneficial as far as maintaining your mental health is concerned are sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds.
Sunflower seeds contain magnesium and zinc which can help calm your nerves (yes, literally), along with vitamin E (which reduces oxidative stress) and protein (which boosts brain health). As far as pumpkin seeds go, they also are an excellent source of magnesium and protein, plus they have a lot of manganese in them which is a nutrient that helps improve brain health and even reduce PMS-related symptoms.
4. Listen to Some Pop. Or Hip-Hop.
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While checking out an article entitled, “Improving Mental Health Through Music,” I got to thinking about how listening to Michael McDonald’s “I Can Let Go Now” will damn near turn me into a basket case, and yet The Pharcyde’s “Drop” (which is one of the best visuals ever made; I’m not debating it either) will immediately get my head to bobbin’ and my mind to feeling great.
Yes, music is powerful, and we really need to be careful when it comes to what we listen to…and also when. Anyway, if you’re curious about which genres are reportedly best for your mental health (because they help to release the feel-good chemical dopamine into your system) — pop, hip-hop, alternative, rock, classical (if you need help focusing), and jazz can reduce stress and even increase longevity.
5. Take a Power Nap
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It’s pretty common for people to ask me how I am able to write about relationships and then listen to people talk about them without losing my mind. Well, for one thing, God made me this way. That said, one of my surefire hacks is to take a freakin’ nap — especially after a long session (some of mine last for two hours at a time!). Listen, even if you can only get 15 minutes in (anything over 30 minutes is more than just a simple power nap, by the way), it can help reduce fatigue, increase awareness and alertness, and help you feel good so that you will perform better.
Chile, naps shouldn’t be seen as something that only kindergarteners do. Adults would be so much more pleasant to be around if more got a power nap in as well.
6. Put a “Timer” on Your Social Media
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There’s no telling how many times on this platform I’ve said that the average American spends a whopping 2.5 hours on social media on a daily basis. That’s five 30-minute sitcom episodes — yes, that is a long time. What’s wild to me is while parents will talk about their kids needing their social media time monitored because too much is not good for their mental health (which is true) — parents need to lead by example because data says that when not consumed in extreme moderation, social media isn’t the best for grown folks either.
All of that information — especially the negative stuff, and there is PLENTY of that — increases anxiety, disrupts sleep, can lead to memory loss, may cause you to feel lonely, and can do a real number on your self-esteem. So, how much time should be allotted to your Instagram and TikTok accounts? Many mental experts say somewhere around 30 minutes a day should be the max.
And listen, if you just read that and can’t even fathom that timeframe because you feel like you’d go crazy without more time online, you’re the main one who should try it out (check out “10 Ways To Keep Social Media From Triggering You (So Much)” and “8 Solid Reasons To Put. Your Phone. Down.”). #justsaying
7. Put a “Timer” on Your Worries Too
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Roy T. Bennett once said, “Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.” Marcus Aurelius once said, “Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.” The Dalai Lama XIV once said, “If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”
And do you know what all of these quotes have in common? A reminder to not be a control freak and to be more flexible in life. Now, is worrying normal? It is. However, what I will tell you from very up close and personal experience is a lot of ego is caught up in worry because, essentially, we’re trying to control what oftentimes can’t be controlled. Once humility comes into play, once you accept that all you can do is your best, once you don’t try to create every “puzzle piece” of a particular overall picture, you’ll be amazed at how calm you become.
I didn’t say that you’ll like or understand what’s going on; I’m just saying that you won’t be trying to do more than what you can — or should. Even biblical Scripture says, "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?" (Matthew 6:25 — NKJV) So, if something has you worried right now, say to yourself, “I’m going to semi-obsess over this for 30 minutes, and then I’m going to just do my best and let it go.” It’s the hack of all hacks. Try it and see.
8. Turn Off Your Notifications for Half of the Day
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I seriously doubt that any of you are surprised to know that almost 60 percent of Americans think that folks are far too addicted to their phones. To prove that point, I once read that most of us tend to look at our phones as much as 144 times a day. SMDH. And in between constantly staring at your screen and then hearing (or feeling if they’re set on vibrate) your notifications going off — it’s no wonder you and others are feeling more stressed out and distracted than ever.
That’s why, at the very least, consider turning your notifications off for half of the day — at least when it comes to your social media accounts. Very few of my notifications make a sound, and life is good that way. And honestly, whatever someone wants me to know (or I’m being nosy about), it’ll be there when I get around to it. The earth isn’t going to crumble if it’s not immediately. TRUST ME.
9. Get into a Yoga Position (or Two)
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If stress, anxiety, or even depression-related symptoms are something that you struggle with, you might want to sign up for a yoga class. Science has proven that yoga can help to create calm and clarity, and it can even help to center you. And what if you are feeling low or somewhat off-kilter and you need an immediate boost? Yoga poses like the Upward Salute, the Modified Child Pose, and the Easy Pose (all of which are demonstrated here) are ones that you can easily do wherever you are — whether you have a yoga instructor around or not.
10. Buy Yourself Some Flowers
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Something that I used to do, that I really need to get back into the habit of doing, is buying myself a bouquet of fresh flowers. It used to be a practice of mine to pick some up every Friday, and it has just…slipped away from me lately. Aside from the fact that doing it makes me feel pretty and feminine, science backs the mental health benefits of flowers.
Research says that flowers can immediately make you feel happier, and if you’re feeling a lil’ stressed out, they can help you to feel calmer as well. And even though pretty much any floral arrangement can help you out in this department, if you’re curious about what different blooms represent, there is a very comprehensive list that you can check out here.
11. Do Something for Someone Else. Anonymously.
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King Solomon once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners.” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) When it comes to money and resources, greed, hoarding, or selfishness has never been my thing. I like to give (I very rarely loan; that too can lead to unnecessary stress) in part because it’s fun to see how the universe will give back — and it never ceases to amaze.
Anyway, as far as mental health goes, studies reveal that doing for others increases your self-esteem levels, reduces your stress, puts you in a better mood, and can make you feel happier overall. So, why not do something thoughtful for someone else today? Oh, and try to do it anonymously. It’s a good gut check to make sure that you really are giving out of the goodness of your heart and not some sort of mercenary (or ego) based agenda — or shoot, stratagem.
12. Honor Yourself
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It’s pretty difficult to have good mental health if you don’t prioritize yourself and your own needs. That’s why I decided to close this out by simply saying that it’s REALLY IMPORTANT, CRITICAL EVEN, to honor yourself. What I mean by that is you need to do the things that honor defines: you need to move with honesty and integrity (especially when it comes to yourself), you need to treat yourself with the utmost level of self-respect, and you need to act like you are a privilege to know and be around.
Some articles that can help you to do all of these things include “8 Ways To Be So Much Kinder To Yourself. Starting Today.,” “12 Ways To Be Far More Self-Compassionate Every Day,” and “10 Hacks To Give You More Quality Time. With Yourself.”
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Your mental health is paramount. Hopefully, these tips will help you to get where you want to be, mentally and emotionally, because, being in a good headspace? That is something that you absolutely deserve, sis. 1000 percent.
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