Just like so many other little girls, I recall wanting to be just like my mom as a child.
She was the coolest woman. The proof of that could be found in her taste, particularly her jam back then which was none other than "Back That Ass Up" by Juvenile. (Although she might plead the fifth if asked about this now.) Most of all, my mom was and still is the baddest. Not in the most modern, lackluster definition of "bad"—I'm talking throwback Webbie and Boosie Bad: "I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T" type bad, with the looks to match, of course—before it was a hashtag.
Just ask the many of men I ran off in Target parking lots and high school boys who I've given the "Helga Patacki" treatment to limit their seuxal innuendos. Beyond having to defend her honor against peers, following in her vanity felt like a failed aspiration for me much of the time—something that I could never live up to, even as I grow to look more like her everyday.
Nevermind that for many years in my childhood, kids taunted me for closely resembling my father (picture Ice Cube circa 1995), a handsome man, but a bit hard for a 12-year-old girl. I realize now that my issues were bigger than that -- my issues are me and my inherent socialization.
I realize now that it's not simply resembling her that I wish to do, it's about having the features that separate us amongst our culture. You see, what I haven't mentioned is that I'm brown with a short, unkempt head of hair, while my mother is mixed race and fair-skinned with long, curly hair.
Through this comparison, I've come to notice the hatred I carry for my hair and how I view my vanity through it.
This revelation is fairly new for me, as it hadn't hit me until I realized how unnerving I often become when men refer to me as "sexy," "beautiful," or "gorgeous" — anything beyond "cute" feels like an oversell in my mind. I could never quite articulate, even within the confines of my own mind, why I felt unworthy and uncomfortable with such compliments from some but not others. After all, this was what I wanted...the beauty of my mother, and the catcalls were the nature of that particular beast.
Sadly, I have to admit that the compliment feels far more meaningful to my spirit when it comes from women and women who exude my mother's qualities. Some might argue that women possess more important qualities than beauty and, as this is true, I won't try to dispute that fact. However, that is currently not my truth. Without hesitation, I will tell you that vanity is of high importance to me, amongst those other qualities that are of importance, which I think is fine. The true problem lies in the terms that I've come to define my beauty on.
Much to my dismay, after so many years of denial and disillusion, I've realized that I have been programed by Eurocentric standards and the desire for some of the qualifying features reflecting those set of standards.
It didn't look like the hatred that I've seen so many others emit, so that left me to believe that hate was not present. I've never made ignorant comments about wanting to procreate with lighter people so that my child wouldn't have certain features, or loving them any differently should they not meet these standards. I don't find my features unattractive on anyone else who may share them, and I have always been so in love with the way that the diversity and range of blackness could be viewed in my brown skin.
But for every part of me that loves my complexion, I hate the hair I was given to complement it and I hadn't realized how much of an impact it had on my self-esteem until I was forced to write it out.
Now, more than ever, I'm questioning so much of my being and the worldviews that I possess in regards to what many would deem as a self-hating quality. I question whether my sexual attraction to certain women is a "type" or a fetishism? Furthermore, I'm able to reflect on why I feel so disarmed by a 12-year-old (my little sister and my mother's doppelganger) and her disdain toward my natural hair and approval towards my straight weaves. I'm left with no room for the perfect teaching moment these scenarios might serve as.
My views towards my hair have long-affected my self-esteem (subconsciously and consciously) and just as this is not a battle that began overnight, it is not one that I anticipate will be resolved overnight.
This is the undoing and the esteem of someone who had received perms from first grade up until the natural hair movement gained momentum during my Junior year of college.
Someone who sang the words to India Arie's "I Am Not My Hair" but didn't really believe in them.
Someone who loves what the natural hair movement means for every other woman except herself.
Someone who has never truly been taught to love and value her hair in the face of the clear genetic differences, mostly because that type of woke parenting wasn't a thing yet. Not to mention, our views on hair and the growing insecurity due to colorism wasn't a primary cause back then. With a growing awareness of these issues in communities of color, it seems that we make greater strides to remind children that in spite of differences, we're all beautiful.
With time, I hope to work through and change my worldview -- especially for the child I hope to bring into the world someday. Whether that child be a boy or girl, teaching them to love the nuances of blackness is an indispensible lesson that will stick with them throughout their life.
Instead of feeling insecure in the word "beautiful," I want them to feel uncomfortable with it simply because they have far more to offer this world than good looks and pretty hair.
I won't sit here and pretend I've done the hard work and that everything from here on out will be easy because it won't -- change never is, and especially not change that requires a certain level of attention and unpacking to undo the hate that's been passed down generationally since our people arrived in chains.
Well aware that change begins within, I'm fully prepared to take on the hard work for myself with high hopes for the gradual disintegration of the colorism and self-hate we give within our culture.
Otherwise, the cycle of failure will live on, as I can never be someone I'm not.
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Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
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I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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