

Why The Word "Beautiful" Makes Me Uncomfortable
Just like so many other little girls, I recall wanting to be just like my mom as a child.
She was the coolest woman. The proof of that could be found in her taste, particularly her jam back then which was none other than "Back That Ass Up" by Juvenile. (Although she might plead the fifth if asked about this now.) Most of all, my mom was and still is the baddest. Not in the most modern, lackluster definition of "bad"—I'm talking throwback Webbie and Boosie Bad: "I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T" type bad, with the looks to match, of course—before it was a hashtag.
Just ask the many of men I ran off in Target parking lots and high school boys who I've given the "Helga Patacki" treatment to limit their seuxal innuendos. Beyond having to defend her honor against peers, following in her vanity felt like a failed aspiration for me much of the time—something that I could never live up to, even as I grow to look more like her everyday.
Nevermind that for many years in my childhood, kids taunted me for closely resembling my father (picture Ice Cube circa 1995), a handsome man, but a bit hard for a 12-year-old girl. I realize now that my issues were bigger than that -- my issues are me and my inherent socialization.
I realize now that it's not simply resembling her that I wish to do, it's about having the features that separate us amongst our culture. You see, what I haven't mentioned is that I'm brown with a short, unkempt head of hair, while my mother is mixed race and fair-skinned with long, curly hair.
Through this comparison, I've come to notice the hatred I carry for my hair and how I view my vanity through it.
This revelation is fairly new for me, as it hadn't hit me until I realized how unnerving I often become when men refer to me as "sexy," "beautiful," or "gorgeous" — anything beyond "cute" feels like an oversell in my mind. I could never quite articulate, even within the confines of my own mind, why I felt unworthy and uncomfortable with such compliments from some but not others. After all, this was what I wanted...the beauty of my mother, and the catcalls were the nature of that particular beast.
Sadly, I have to admit that the compliment feels far more meaningful to my spirit when it comes from women and women who exude my mother's qualities. Some might argue that women possess more important qualities than beauty and, as this is true, I won't try to dispute that fact. However, that is currently not my truth. Without hesitation, I will tell you that vanity is of high importance to me, amongst those other qualities that are of importance, which I think is fine. The true problem lies in the terms that I've come to define my beauty on.
Much to my dismay, after so many years of denial and disillusion, I've realized that I have been programed by Eurocentric standards and the desire for some of the qualifying features reflecting those set of standards.
It didn't look like the hatred that I've seen so many others emit, so that left me to believe that hate was not present. I've never made ignorant comments about wanting to procreate with lighter people so that my child wouldn't have certain features, or loving them any differently should they not meet these standards. I don't find my features unattractive on anyone else who may share them, and I have always been so in love with the way that the diversity and range of blackness could be viewed in my brown skin.
But for every part of me that loves my complexion, I hate the hair I was given to complement it and I hadn't realized how much of an impact it had on my self-esteem until I was forced to write it out.
Now, more than ever, I'm questioning so much of my being and the worldviews that I possess in regards to what many would deem as a self-hating quality. I question whether my sexual attraction to certain women is a "type" or a fetishism? Furthermore, I'm able to reflect on why I feel so disarmed by a 12-year-old (my little sister and my mother's doppelganger) and her disdain toward my natural hair and approval towards my straight weaves. I'm left with no room for the perfect teaching moment these scenarios might serve as.
My views towards my hair have long-affected my self-esteem (subconsciously and consciously) and just as this is not a battle that began overnight, it is not one that I anticipate will be resolved overnight.
This is the undoing and the esteem of someone who had received perms from first grade up until the natural hair movement gained momentum during my Junior year of college.
Someone who sang the words to India Arie's "I Am Not My Hair" but didn't really believe in them.
Someone who loves what the natural hair movement means for every other woman except herself.
Someone who has never truly been taught to love and value her hair in the face of the clear genetic differences, mostly because that type of woke parenting wasn't a thing yet. Not to mention, our views on hair and the growing insecurity due to colorism wasn't a primary cause back then. With a growing awareness of these issues in communities of color, it seems that we make greater strides to remind children that in spite of differences, we're all beautiful.
With time, I hope to work through and change my worldview -- especially for the child I hope to bring into the world someday. Whether that child be a boy or girl, teaching them to love the nuances of blackness is an indispensible lesson that will stick with them throughout their life.
Instead of feeling insecure in the word "beautiful," I want them to feel uncomfortable with it simply because they have far more to offer this world than good looks and pretty hair.
I won't sit here and pretend I've done the hard work and that everything from here on out will be easy because it won't -- change never is, and especially not change that requires a certain level of attention and unpacking to undo the hate that's been passed down generationally since our people arrived in chains.
Well aware that change begins within, I'm fully prepared to take on the hard work for myself with high hopes for the gradual disintegration of the colorism and self-hate we give within our culture.
Otherwise, the cycle of failure will live on, as I can never be someone I'm not.
Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
Victoria Monét Opens Up About Feeling ‘Validated’ Months After VMAs Turned Her Down To Perform
Victoria Monét has had an incredible year. Thanks to the success of the widely popular “On My Mama” that went viral, the singer/ songwriter’s Jaguar II album debuted in the top 10 of Billboard’s Top R&B Albums chart. She also went on to headline her own sold-out tour. So, when the MTV VMAs happened in September, everyone was surprised to learn that Victoria’s team was told that it was “too early” for the “Smoke” artist to perform at the award show. However, a couple of months later, the mom of one received seven Grammy nominations, including “Best R&B Album” and “Record Of The Year.”
Victoria is currently in London and stopped by The Dotty Show on Apple Music and shared how she feels “validated” after being dismissed by the VMAs.
“It really does feel nice and validating because, in my head, the reason why I wanted to be a performer at the VMAs or award ceremonies like that is because I felt like I am at the place where I should. I would work really hard to put on the best show that I could, and I was excited to do so,” she said.
“And I guess the best way to describe it for me is like when you're like on a sports team, and the coach is like, ‘No, you gotta sit this one out.’ When they finally put you in, and then you score all these points, and it feels like that feeling. You're like, yes, I knew it wasn't tripping, but I knew I worked hard for this, and so it's been super validating to just have these accolades come after a moment like that, and I know the fans feel vindicated for me.
While her fans called the VMAs out on their decision, the “Moment” singer kept it cute and is still open to performing at the iconic award show. “I feel no ill towards them because it's just maybe that's just truly how they felt at the time, but I hope their mind has changed,” she admitted.
Aside from recognition from the Grammys, she has also received praise from legendary artists such as Janet Jackson, Kelly Rowland, and Usher.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Amy Sussman/WireImage for Parkwood