This Is How You Know He's Waiting For YOU To Break Up With HIM
So, here's the deal. The reason why I've written articles on this platform like "10 Single Men Shared Some Thoughts They Wish Women Would Take At Face Value" and "10 Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Truly Understood" is because, while I do think that there is something to be said for women's intuition, I also totally agree with Aristotle when he once said that the excess of a virtue is a vice.
And in this particular case, what that basically boils down to is, just because we may be somewhat perceptive about men and what they may be thinking, that doesn't automatically make us right-on-the-dime mind readers nor should it cause us to arrogantly believe that we're always right about 'em. What was it that the master emcee (and my birthday twin) Kendrick Lamar once said? Sit down and be humble. Right?
That's why, when it comes to relationships and why a man does what he does (or doesn't do), I really prefer to discuss it with men who know rather than women who assume. And when it comes to the topic of why a lot of men, men who want to end a relationship, will wait until the woman initiates it, I asked a few fellas that I know to give me some insight. Ready?
Is He Trying To Get Me To Break Up With Him?
Reasons Why (Some) Guys Want Us to Break Up With Them
First, let me say that while a lot of women may want to chalk up a man waiting for us to do it to be cowardly and even cruel, after listening to some guys, I'm not sure it's as black and white as that.
When I asked one guy why he'd prefer a woman to end things he said, "Yeah, some women will say that it's the cowardly way out but usually, we know that a break-up is going to come with a lot of drama. We figure that if you end it, it'll cut that down by at least a third because you will feel like you had the upper hand in the situation which is fine by us—so long as things end peacefully."
Another man said, "For me, things have to be really bad for me to get to the point that I don't want to f—k with someone anymore. Sometimes, we don't want to 'break up' so much as we want things to simmer down. A lot of women don't seem to get that, though. Like, I may not be ready to move towards marriage, but can we still hang out? And no, that's not code for sex. I mean, literally hang out. You'd be amazed by how many women don't get that."
Still, another said, "When we pull back, that's usually a sign that wherever the pace is set, that's where we want it to stay. If a woman can't handle that and she needs to leave, then we let her do it because she's the one who is unhappy, not us."
While three guys certainly don't speak for every man on the planet, again, I preferred to hear about all of this directly from them than 20 self-help books that are authored by women. And after pondering all of what was shared, I dug a little deeper. You know what? Something that all three of the men agreed on is the fact that, if it does get to a point that a man, not so much wants the relationship to end altogether but is totally okay if it does, there are some pretty universal signs that we should look for as a clear heads up.
If you're curious about what those indicators are, from the mouths of those who carry the XY chromosome, this is what they had to say.
Signs He's Trying To Get You To Break Up With Him
1. The Communication Is Suddenly on a Surface Level
Boy, am I tired of women—especially Black women—who think taking shots at men—especially Black men—all day long is something to be proud of. One day I'll go deep on how the racists of this world relish in Black men and Black women not being unified; how they completely enjoy our toxic hot takes on how the other gender is nothing more than pure trash (SMDH). That's why I am intentional about making sure I don't sign on to resolves like "men are shallow" or "men are stupid". No, they're not. Men are different from us, yet a lot of them have plenty of depth; especially when they are feelin' someone and they want to get to know them better.
Matter of fact, I was recently talking to a semi-newly divorced man in my life who decided to step out into the online dating scene. Interestingly enough, one of his gripes was the women he was encountering seemed more interested in showing off their looks and talking about surface layer stuff when he wanted to know more about their goals and values. He said, "When I was in college, I didn't really care what the conversation entailed, but when you want something real, you don't want to waste your time on bulls—t."
His point is the point. When a man is trying to build with someone, he values his time with her differently; he wants to know who she really is and what truly makes her tick. On the other hand, if he's ready to end things (or he's fine with the relationship staying just where it is), he can stay on the not-very-deep level, basically because there are no plans for things to go anywhere beyond where they currently are anyway.
2. He Has Less Time for You (and the Relationship)
Those who know me know that I'm not big on the whole "men are hunters" thing. I am not a deer and I wouldn't want someone tracking me down like prey. From a biblical perspective, when you look at the first romantic relationship in the Bible, Adam wasn't a hunter; he was a gardener. He didn't chase his wife down either; she was brought to him by God (Genesis 2:18-25). So, all of this "a man has to kill himself to get my attention" mantra is ridiculous. To me. At the same time, what I will say is men tend to know what they want and what truly interests them, they will most certainly make time for. It's not about whether or not they have the time; again, it's about the fact that they will make it.
I don't care how many jobs he's got, how much traveling he does or how much is on his to-do list, if he's totally into you, he's gonna figure it out. For the record, him figuring it out may not always be in the same way or on the same schedule as you had in mind. Still, he will make sure to let you know that you are some type of priority in his life. If you're not feeling that he's doing just that…yeah, that's not good.
3. The Intimacy Is Waning
Remember how one of the guys that I spoke with said that sometimes a guy may want to pump the brakes and still hang out? And that spending time together doesn't have to involve sex? I agree with that; especially when it comes to men who are in their 30s and 40s. At the same time, when a man is truly into you, he's going to want some sort of intimacy. If his top love language is physical touch, he's going to want to snuggle up and/or hold hands. If the sex has been hot 'n heavy in times past, an abrupt stop is definitely a little weird. If the two of you have been spending the night and/or weekends together and that kind of time is becoming far and few between…that's pretty strange too.
While all relationships have seasons where the passion and desire may be a little hotter than others, there's no avoiding the fact that a sign of a thriving relationship is healthy intimacy while a sign of a dying relationship is a lack of it.
4. You Try and Plan the Future. He Doesn’t Want to Think Past Today.
This is a big one right here. Mature and ambitious men like to plan. It's simply who they are. They make professional plans. They make plans for how their Saturdays are gonna go. And, if they want you to be a part of their lives, they're gonna have plans for you as well. Note that I did not say that they are going to try and jump the broom in six months or less. At the same time, what I am saying is they will ask you what you are doing next weekend, they will talk about some upcoming event that they would like to take you to and, when it comes to relationship discussions (so long as they don't transpire every hour on the hour), they won't avoid those at all. They want to build with you, so they are interested in talking about what that looks like.
A guy who is okay with you ending things will try and avoid the future at all costs. Like, when you say something along the lines of, "So, what do you want to do for Valentine's Day?" (in January) and he says something like, "Hmm. Let's just wait and see", while that could mean that he's got a surprise for you, typically if that's the case, he will say something more like, "I've got that" vs. "Let's just see how things go". See the difference?
Nothing grows if it isn't moving forward. A guy who is more than cool with stagnation is someone who is 1) absolutely not putting you on his agenda (not long-term anyway) and 2) fine with winging it until you get the hint.
5. He’s Become the Walking Definition of Passive Aggressive
When I asked the three men who I spoke with to tell me a sign that a man really is getting tired of a relationship, something else that they all mentioned is it's fairly common for a man to become hyper-sensitive. One of the fellas stated, "A lot of us don't look out of the window, pining away at why we're not feeling someone anymore. Sometimes we just are or aren't. But if we're not, we'll start to get irritated; even about the smallest of things." And what that can translate into being is passive-aggressive AF.
Suddenly, whatever you say or do is starting to get under his skin. Sometimes, he might even gaslight you by making you think that the very things that you've always done are suddenly driving him completely up the wall. No one should have to walk on eggshells in a relationship. If you are feeling like you aren't able to fully exhale and be yourself in your relationship, this could be another indication that he's waiting for you to get fed up enough to bounce.
6. You Clicked on This Article Fast AF
While I totally get that some people read articles, simply out of curiosity, oftentimes, when it comes to content like this, it's their subconscious telling them that something just ain't right. Because really—if everything was so awesome in your relationship, why would you be turning your monitor around at work so that no one can tell that you're reading things right now? Exactly.
Look, I'm not saying that all of this means that you need to rush home and break things off. What I am putting on record is two mature individuals should be able to discuss an article like this in order to see where they stand. If you forward this to your guy and you get "crickets", that's another sign that shouldn't be ignored because a man who wants to be in a relationship would be more in the lane of "What did you send me this for?"
In a perfect world, all of us would be upfront and candid. That's just not the way that it is. And since time is oh so very precious, I just thought you should know why some men do what they do and what signs to look out for in the break-up department…so that you won't waste any more moments telling yourself that you don't see what you know that you do. If you see the flags, don't deny them. Don't wait any longer, sis. Handle it.Featured image by Shutterstock
- Signs You're Trying To Prove Your Worth - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- 6 Signs You're Dating The Same Guy Over & Over Again - xoNecole ... ›
- 7 Signs He's Only Around Because It's Cuffing Season - xoNecole ... ›
- Women Share Their Worst Breakup Stories - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 5 Subtle Signs He's Dating Other Women - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Signs He Wants You To Dump Him | MadameNoire ›
- 11 Biggest Signs He Wants to Break Up With You But Doesn't Know ... ›
- 20 Signs He's Trying To Get Her To End It So He Won't Have To ›
- 15 Signs The Relationship Is Over For Him & He Wants To Break Up ... ›
- Slow Fade: How to Tell If He Wants Me to Break Up With HIm ... ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Myha’la Herrold Talks Embracing Her Unique Smile And The Advice She Would Give Her 'Industry' Character
Myha’la Herrold is all for people celebrating their uniqueness. Growing up, Myha’la encountered numerous situations that forced her to embrace her differences regardless of what others thought about them. Her smile, for example, is a feature she takes pride in. However, family members and dentists alike have tried to get her to change it.
The Industry star has two peg lateral teeth, which are small, pointy teeth that are located on each side of the upper front teeth. While there may be some people who don’t understand her decision to keep her natural smile, Colgate recognizes its beauty and has partnered with the 28-year-old. Myha’la opens up about the exciting partnership in a xoNecole exclusive.
“So, it was actually quite funny this came through for me, and I was like, Huh? Okay, And they were like, well, they're doing this new campaign. It's all about celebrating your unique smile. And I was like, how did they know?” She laughs.
Myha’la Herrold
Courtesy
“I have two peg lateral teeth. They're these tiny little teeth in the front. They're my adult teeth, but they're small. They're like, you know, an abnormal tooth, and lots of people have them and sometimes they're asymmetrical. A lot of people get them capped or filled or whatever. And so many times throughout my life, like people I did not know, dentists would approach me like randomly and hand me their card and be like, 'Whenever you're ready.' I was like, ain’t no way…I was like, ain't nothing wrong with my teeth. Nothing is wrong with my smile.”
She calls her Colgate partnership a “perfect pairing” and stresses how important it is for her to always look like herself and take care of her teeth. The Leave the World Behind actress is one of the many people in her generation leading the charge for self-love and advocating for themselves. Thanks to millennials and Gen Z, we are now having more conversations about mental health and self-care while challenging the status quo.
"So many times throughout my life, like people I did not know, dentists would approach me like randomly and hand me their card and be like, 'Whenever you're ready.' I was like, ain’t no way…I was like, ain't nothing wrong with my teeth. Nothing is wrong with my smile."
Myha’la Herrold
Courtesy
Myha’la explains why it’s necessary to appreciate our differences rather than give in to society’s standards of what is considered beautiful. “I'm so here for it. I'm so here for it because I said this earlier, but it was something I was thinking about that I was like, oh this is kind of a lightbulb moment for me. I feel like we are so desperate to feel accepted and like a part of something, and that translates into how we present ourselves to the world,” she says.
“So people are like, oh, I want to have really white teeth or really uniform teeth or whatever so that I can look like everyone else. But us as human beings... all of us are completely different, like down to a biological level. So really, the things that like makes us a part of a whole is our uniqueness. The fact that we are different is like what makes us human beings, and I feel like that's actually quite comforting. I can feel a part of something bigger than me because I understand that all of us are uniquely perfectly, uniquely different, and that's what makes us who we are.”
Another positive Myha’la shares about being unique (cues Beyoncé) is saving money because, according to her, “I'm not trying to spend all this money so that I can look like somebody else because the thing that people love the most about me is me.”
"The fact that we are different is like what makes us human beings, and I feel like that's actually quite comforting. I can feel a part of something bigger than me because I understand that all of us are uniquely perfectly, uniquely different, and that's what makes us who we are."
Myha'la Herrold attends the UK Special screening of 'Leave The World Behind.'
Dave Benett/WireImage
Myha’la’s confidence is also reflected in her work as an actress. Currently, she stars as Harper Stern in the HBO Max series Industry, which is about a group of recent graduates competing for coveted permanent roles at an esteemed investment bank in London. Harper is intelligent, tenacious, and the one to watch. However, her hunger to be successful keeps her on the outs with her peers, and her family trauma keeps her very guarded.
The rising star has this to say about her Industry character. “I would just remind her, like, remember what got you here,” she says. “You were unabashedly yourself. You let these people know that you were the best and the brightest and what you had to offer, that they needed that, so I would just say remember that. Do that ‘cause it worked the first time.”
Whether you love her or hate her, Harper is a force, but unfortunately, in the season two finale, her ambition left her in a predicament that has put her career in a place of uncertainty. While Myha’la can’t give away season three’s plot, she does share what she hopes for her character.
“What I will say is I hope that Harper gets what she wants. I hope she gets what she wants. I'm always rooting for her,” she says.
“I feel like Harper is my good sis, and I'm like, girl, if you would just listen to me one time, things might go different for you. But what I hope is that she gets what she wants because I feel like it's like past due. We need a win for her.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Irvin Rivera/Getty Images for IMDb