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What If Your Partner Is More "Sexually Conservative" Than You Are?
I'll never forget when a woman called to talk to me about a man she was in love with who she was considering marrying. "There's just one thing, though," she said with a pause. "He doesn't like oral and he prefers to only have sex in the missionary position." What was my response? "Sooo…you're OK with sex being like that for the rest of your life?" to which she replied, "Do you really think that something like this should be a deal-breaker?" Short answer, y'all? YES. "Yes" in the sense that, if there is something that you really want, even to the point of needing it sexually, and your partner is firm and steadfast on NOT giving it to you then, I don't see how you're going to be truly happy or even at peace in the relationship; especially long-term. But that's just me.
OK, but what if either you can find tons of other reasons to push your sexual needs aside (which I am totally impressed with if you can, by the way) or you are already married to someone; someone who, you had no idea was as sexually conservative as they have proven themselves out to be? If that is the case, what should you do then? Other than prayer for patience and strength on the daily, I've got a few ideas that could make things more bearable for you and also easier for them to consider leaning a little more into the direction of your blessed freakiness.
Figure Out Why They Are the Way They Are
There are a billion and one (and then some) reasons why people are the way they are when it comes to what they will and won't do in the bedroom. I know some folks who think oral sex is a sin because either church or their culture taught them so. People have told me that they think sex should only be in certain positions because acts like doggy style hinder intimacy. Some women have said that they think that sperm on their bodies is degrading.
One woman told me that it took her a good year into her marriage to feel comfortable with her husband buying her lingerie because her parents taught her that was what "fast girls" wear (I know, right?). Like I said, I could go on and on, but the main point I'm trying to make is, if you've got a partner who is more conservative than you are, the first thing that you should do is figure out why. More times than not, it's not because they are inherently selfish or not interested in pleasing you; it's more due to what they've been taught or told.
Pretty much any reputable relationship counselor, therapist or life coach is going to vouch for the fact that sex is a lot more satisfying when two people have their guards totally down while being mentally and emotionally in sync with one another. By providing a safe space for your partner to share with you why they are the way that they are, that can build trust. It can also make them more open to trying new things. Maybe not immediately but…eventually.
Clearly Express WHY You’ve Got the Needs That You Do
Everyone is an adult here, right? A man I know, who is bisexual, once told me that before he got married, he told his wife that fellatio was super important to him. A part of the reason why is because that is when he felt the most aroused by women. Prior to marrying him, his partner stated that it was something that she absolutely loved to do. Years into their marriage, though, he ended up being able to count on one hand, just how many times he was on the receiving end of oral sex. All kinds of drama—a sexless marriage which led to an affair which led to distrust on both sides—ensued. Say what you want to say about what his request/need was; the point is his wife knew about his sexuality and what his needs were beforehand. She signed up for both and then—I don't know how else to put it—she "false advertised" and then…reneged.
Some people need oral sex in order to orgasm. Some people have fetishes because that is what sexually stimulates them most. Some people constantly like to try new things because it keeps them from getting bored when they are in an exclusive relationship. If you've got a certain "thing" that you like to do that your partner can very easily go without, share with them why it's so important to you. Chances are, even if they aren't totally down for what you're into, the two of you will be able to negotiate and find a place of compromise (which is probably better than where you were before you said anything at all).
Find Ways to Turn Your “Freakiness” into an Emotional Connection
Those of us with high libidos (check out "If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This.") and a BIG IMAGINATION sometimes overlook a very valid reason for why we might potentially intimidate our partners. Unless we came into the relationship as virgins, we had a sexual past. And based on how secure (or insecure) our partners are with the relationship and within themselves (not necessarily in that order, by the way), what they might struggle with is not so much what we're into but…who we used to be into the same things with before they came onto the scene.
The past is the past. There's nothing any of us can do to change it. Yet an effective way to ease your partner into what you like to do is to take what gets you off beyond physical pleasure. Be intentional about creating an emotional bond as well. Whatever it is that you're into, by making sure they know that there is no one else you'd rather do "it" with, that can take the act from being seen as nothing more than "live porn" or a walk down your sexual memory's lane into something that is truly special between the two of you.
Cultivate Creative Approaches
Like sex toys? Have their favorite Spotify playlist turned up in the background. Into bondage? Let them tie you up first. Want to record everything? Ask them to tape you doing a strip tease on their phone (first). Are you a huge dirty talker? Do some sexting throughout the day. Ask them "sexy/naughty" questions during the act. Want to try a new position? Start off with a ton of foreplay (so that they'll be too turned on to say "no"). Like to have sex anywhere but your bedroom? Meet them at the door naked and ready so they'll forget where your bedroom even is. Prefer to have oral sex (on the receiving end) to last longer? Invest in some flavored lube (one that tastes like their favorite fruit or chocolate). You get where I'm going with all of this.
Even if your partner is more on the conservative side, if you are able to approach him in a way that makes him feel more comfortable and more aroused at the same time, the sky is pretty much the limit in what you can actually convince them to do (or do more often).
Seduce. Don’t Push.
The art of the seduction. It's something that a lot of people sleep on. That's unfortunate too because, when it comes to having some really good, totally out-of-the-box, intensely gratifying sex, seduction is one of the best ways to take you there. An author by the name of Camille Paglia once said, "Pursuit and seduction are the essence of sexuality. It's part of the sizzle." Just like we like to feel wanted and desired, so does our partner.
Seduction helps to relax a person. Seduction keeps them from thinking too hard. Seduction makes someone feel like they are the most lusted person on the planet.
When trying to get your more conservative partner to take a walk on the wild side, don't nag, push or bruise his ego. Just be your natural sexy self while letting him know that even the things that he's never tried before can be more than he ever thought they would be because he is partaking in them with you. Now, how can he refuse that? Exactly.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Summer Travel Guide: 9 Safest Vacation Spots For Black Women
When it comes to planning and choosing our international travels, there’s one question that is bound to come up: “Is it safe for Black women?”
At times, our travel plans can be halted by whether or not our desired destination is safe not only for solo travel but for overall protection as women of color. We want to have fun, go on excursions, taste the food, and let our hair down, so the last thing we need on our minds is navigating microaggressions and worrying about our safety.
According to a report by The Mandala Research Firm, 17% of Black Americans take one or more international trips and travel locally more than six times per year. Even more exciting, 42% of Black Americans said they would spend more in 2020 on travel than in 2019 (pre-Covid), and 50% of Black adults (16% more than the general population) are more likely to travel to locations associated with their ethnic or cultural heritage. All of this goes to show that we’re not afraid to pack our bags and book flights to our heart's desire.
Our passion for travel and exploration highlights a growing desire to connect with a wide range of cultures while discovering new fresh locales. By choosing destinations with positive reputations for safety and belonging, you can enjoy your next adventure with peace of mind. And to help, we’ve provided a list of the best vacation spots to add to our travel bucket list.
1.Havana, Cuba
Known for its vibrant culture and welcoming locals, Havana offers a unique travel experience for you and your girlfriends. Stroll through the historic streets of Old Havana and immerse yourself in the lively music and dance scenes that make this city unforgettable.
2.Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Famous for its Carnival, stunning beaches, and warm hospitality, Rio de Janeiro is a lively and safe city to explore all year long. Don't miss a visit to the iconic Christ the Redeemer statue and the bustling Copacabana Beach for a true taste of Rio's energetic spirit.
3.Belize
With its beautiful beaches, diverse wildlife, and laid-back Caribbean vibe, Belize is a safe and adventurous destination for travelers. Discover the underwater wonders of the Belize Barrier Reef and explore ancient Lamanai Maya Ruins.
4.Paris, France
Who doesn’t have Paris, the city of lights, on their travel list? Renowned for its art, fashion, and iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, Paris offers a blend of romance and safety for travelers. Wander through the charming neighborhoods of Montmartre and Le Marais, explore the Louvre, and indulge in the city's exquisite culinary delights.
5.Lisbon, Portugal
Portugal's capital city, Lisbon, charms visitors with its historic architecture, delicious cuisine, and welcoming atmosphere. Enjoy breathtaking views from São Jorge Castle and savor traditional pastries at the famous Pastéis de Belém bakery.
6.Bali, Indonesia
We’ve all seen the viral photos off the Bali coast and Gates of Heaven, so why not make it a reality? Famous for its lush landscapes, vibrant culture, and serene temples, Bali offers a safe and enriching travel experience in Southeast Asia.
7.Tokyo, Japan
Recently, the value of the Japanese Yen has seen a significant drop, making it the lowest it has been against the dollar since 1986, which also means that there’s no better time than now to make your travel plans to the renowned cultural hub.
8.Accra, Ghana
There’s no FOMO like the kind felt from seeing all the beautiful faces enjoying their holiday at Ghana’s Afrochella Festival, so let this be your sign to start planning the trip now. Often referred to as a welcoming home for the African diaspora, Ghana offers rich cultural experiences and a sense of belonging. Explore the vibrant markets of Accra and visit the historic Cape Coast Castle to connect with the nation's poignant past.
9.Seoul, South Korea
You may be surprised to find this city on the list, but for Black travelers, Seoul is said to be one of the safest and most exciting cities to travel to. There will be plenty to eat, buy, and experience from this city’s rich history and culture.
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