Quantcast
What If Your Partner Is More "Sexually Conservative" Than You Are?

What If Your Partner Is More "Sexually Conservative" Than You Are?

Here's how to get your man into more of what you're...into.

Sex

I'll never forget when a woman called to talk to me about a man she was in love with who she was considering marrying. "There's just one thing, though," she said with a pause. "He doesn't like oral and he prefers to only have sex in the missionary position." What was my response? "Sooo…you're OK with sex being like that for the rest of your life?" to which she replied, "Do you really think that something like this should be a deal-breaker?" Short answer, y'all? YES. "Yes" in the sense that, if there is something that you really want, even to the point of needing it sexually, and your partner is firm and steadfast on NOT giving it to you then, I don't see how you're going to be truly happy or even at peace in the relationship; especially long-term. But that's just me.

OK, but what if either you can find tons of other reasons to push your sexual needs aside (which I am totally impressed with if you can, by the way) or you are already married to someone; someone who, you had no idea was as sexually conservative as they have proven themselves out to be? If that is the case, what should you do then? Other than prayer for patience and strength on the daily, I've got a few ideas that could make things more bearable for you and also easier for them to consider leaning a little more into the direction of your blessed freakiness.

Figure Out Why They Are the Way They Are

media3.giphy.com

There are a billion and one (and then some) reasons why people are the way they are when it comes to what they will and won't do in the bedroom. I know some folks who think oral sex is a sin because either church or their culture taught them so. People have told me that they think sex should only be in certain positions because acts like doggy style hinder intimacy. Some women have said that they think that sperm on their bodies is degrading.

One woman told me that it took her a good year into her marriage to feel comfortable with her husband buying her lingerie because her parents taught her that was what "fast girls" wear (I know, right?). Like I said, I could go on and on, but the main point I'm trying to make is, if you've got a partner who is more conservative than you are, the first thing that you should do is figure out why. More times than not, it's not because they are inherently selfish or not interested in pleasing you; it's more due to what they've been taught or told.

Pretty much any reputable relationship counselor, therapist or life coach is going to vouch for the fact that sex is a lot more satisfying when two people have their guards totally down while being mentally and emotionally in sync with one another. By providing a safe space for your partner to share with you why they are the way that they are, that can build trust. It can also make them more open to trying new things. Maybe not immediately but…eventually.

Clearly Express WHY You’ve Got the Needs That You Do

media.giphy.com

Everyone is an adult here, right? A man I know, who is bisexual, once told me that before he got married, he told his wife that fellatio was super important to him. A part of the reason why is because that is when he felt the most aroused by women. Prior to marrying him, his partner stated that it was something that she absolutely loved to do. Years into their marriage, though, he ended up being able to count on one hand, just how many times he was on the receiving end of oral sex. All kinds of drama—a sexless marriage which led to an affair which led to distrust on both sides—ensued. Say what you want to say about what his request/need was; the point is his wife knew about his sexuality and what his needs were beforehand. She signed up for both and then—I don't know how else to put it—she "false advertised" and then…reneged.

Some people need oral sex in order to orgasm. Some people have fetishes because that is what sexually stimulates them most. Some people constantly like to try new things because it keeps them from getting bored when they are in an exclusive relationship. If you've got a certain "thing" that you like to do that your partner can very easily go without, share with them why it's so important to you. Chances are, even if they aren't totally down for what you're into, the two of you will be able to negotiate and find a place of compromise (which is probably better than where you were before you said anything at all).

Find Ways to Turn Your “Freakiness” into an Emotional Connection

media.giphy.com

Those of us with high libidos (check out "If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This.") and a BIG IMAGINATION sometimes overlook a very valid reason for why we might potentially intimidate our partners. Unless we came into the relationship as virgins, we had a sexual past. And based on how secure (or insecure) our partners are with the relationship and within themselves (not necessarily in that order, by the way), what they might struggle with is not so much what we're into but…who we used to be into the same things with before they came onto the scene.

The past is the past. There's nothing any of us can do to change it. Yet an effective way to ease your partner into what you like to do is to take what gets you off beyond physical pleasure. Be intentional about creating an emotional bond as well. Whatever it is that you're into, by making sure they know that there is no one else you'd rather do "it" with, that can take the act from being seen as nothing more than "live porn" or a walk down your sexual memory's lane into something that is truly special between the two of you.

Cultivate Creative Approaches

media.giphy.com

Like sex toys? Have their favorite Spotify playlist turned up in the background. Into bondage? Let them tie you up first. Want to record everything? Ask them to tape you doing a strip tease on their phone (first). Are you a huge dirty talker? Do some sexting throughout the day. Ask them "sexy/naughty" questions during the act. Want to try a new position? Start off with a ton of foreplay (so that they'll be too turned on to say "no"). Like to have sex anywhere but your bedroom? Meet them at the door naked and ready so they'll forget where your bedroom even is. Prefer to have oral sex (on the receiving end) to last longer? Invest in some flavored lube (one that tastes like their favorite fruit or chocolate). You get where I'm going with all of this.

Even if your partner is more on the conservative side, if you are able to approach him in a way that makes him feel more comfortable and more aroused at the same time, the sky is pretty much the limit in what you can actually convince them to do (or do more often).

Seduce. Don’t Push.

media.giphy.com

The art of the seduction. It's something that a lot of people sleep on. That's unfortunate too because, when it comes to having some really good, totally out-of-the-box, intensely gratifying sex, seduction is one of the best ways to take you there. An author by the name of Camille Paglia once said, "Pursuit and seduction are the essence of sexuality. It's part of the sizzle." Just like we like to feel wanted and desired, so does our partner.

Seduction helps to relax a person. Seduction keeps them from thinking too hard. Seduction makes someone feel like they are the most lusted person on the planet.

When trying to get your more conservative partner to take a walk on the wild side, don't nag, push or bruise his ego. Just be your natural sexy self while letting him know that even the things that he's never tried before can be more than he ever thought they would be because he is partaking in them with you. Now, how can he refuse that? Exactly.

Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here to receive our latest articles and news straight to your inbox.

Featured image by Shutterstock

This Couple Once Broke Up Over Money And Now They've Made It Their Mission To Teach Others About Building Wealth

Julien and Kiersten Saunders met in 2012 while working for the same company and they quickly fell for one another. However, their whirlwind romance was cut short following an extravagant vacation. When they got home from Panama, reality set in, and they were forced to have a tough conversation about money after they both had different opinions on recouping the money spent on the vacation.

Keep reading...Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.
Five Things To Know Before Becoming A Dog Mom

This post is in partnership with Blue Buffalo.

So you’re thinking about becoming a dog mom? We love that for you! Having a happy, furry friend to greet you at the door each day, cuddle up on the couch with, and keep you in touch with the great outdoors is one of life’s greatest joys. And that’s before we get into all the cute puppy outfits there are to buy! But there are some key and non-negotiable things to know and consider before saying yes to bringing home a fur baby.

If having a pet is new to you, then naturally you might have tons of questions not only about how this new responsibility will transform your lifestyle, but also about how best to nurture your four-legged friend. Few things compare to the joy and companionship that a dog’s loyalty and love bring, but learning how to nurture and train them is a learning curve that requires equal parts preparation and patience. Once you find your rhythm, you and your furry new boo will form a bond that will add the brightest spark to your life.

If you ask any member of the canine crew you know, they’ll tell you they don't play about their babies! They’ll also probably give you a laundry list of things they wish they knew before bringing their new dog home for the first time. If you’re thinking about opening your doors to a new pup, there are a few things to prepare and assess. With the help of Blue Buffalo, a natural pet food brand trusted by millions of pet parents, we’ve rounded up five key things to know before joining the dog mom club.

1. Staying Active Is Key: Let’s keep it real — we all have days where we want nothing more than a 24-hour Netflix binge fest from the comfort of our couch. That’s especially true on a day where the weather is trash. We feel you on that. However, dog moms should make it a point to keep their pups active each day. Influencer Dynasti Hunt considers her Goldendoodle Aiden part of the family, and she loves to find creative ways to keep him moving rain or shine. “Aiden and I have realized the importance of staying active at home, even when the weather is bad outside,” says Dynasti, who loves spontaneous yoga and dance sessions with her adorable doggie.

2. Keep An Eye On Their Diets: Just like humans, our pals have to maintain a healthy, balanced diet in order to live long and quality lives. You might find it easy to tell what’s healthy to eat for yourself, but it can be a bit trickier to know the difference when it comes to pet food. Just because you see a product label with the words vegetarian, grain-free, or certified organic doesn’t automatically mean it’s the healthiest for your buddy at this particular stage in their life. Finding a trusted pet food brand like Blue Buffalo is key. They offer recipes for specific breed sizes, life stages, needs and preferences — this definitely comes in handy for picky eaters or dietary restrictions. For example, Aiden Da Doodle is allergic to chicken-based products, and thankfully BLUE allows Dynasti to choose from a variety of products that are formulated without chicken.

3: Use Treats Creatively: Are doggie treats the golden ticket to getting your pooch to act right? Yes, but they’re also good for so much more. Treats are great tools for positive reinforcement, whether you’re trying to potty train a young puppy or get them to learn tricks. Influencer Sauve Xavier, an Instagram comedian, who has gained over a million Instagram followers for his hilarious videos with his Dobermans Knox and Bear, says he plans clever scavenger hunts around his house as an incentive to keep his dogs active and challenged. Using BLUE Treats made with healthy ingredients, he’s able to dish out rewards without feeling guilty. Take it from the guy who can actually get his dog to help with chores.

4. Know That Planning Ahead Is Everything: If you are a first-time dog mom or thinking about becoming one, keeping your buddy on a schedule is going to be key. For example, potty-training puppies need to be walked every few hours so that you can keep the habit of going outside in and the possibility of them peeing on your precious rugs out. Most pets also need to be fed twice a day (morning and night.) What does this spell? Sacrifice. You’ll need to be present and arrive home in time to keep your dog’s routine going. So know that you won’t be able to indulge in spontaneous plans the way you might have before. This is most certainly a lifestyle change if you’re used to coming and going as you please, but the reward of raising a well-behaved pup is well worth it. You might also want to think about how you can recruit your partner, roommate, friends, or family to share in the responsibilities for those days when life happens and you’re ever in need of a little dog sitting help. You can also search the web for hired help if you’re in a pinch. Remember — it takes a village to raise a child (even a barking one)! Pro tip: Download the Buddies by Blue Buffalo app to get advice and tricks and plan for your pet parenthood adventures ahead.

5. Research Dog-Friendly Activities in Your Area: As you move about through life, you’ll find yourself looking for more and more dog-friendly places to go and things to do beyond just the local dog parks. Round up a list of bars, breweries, brunch spots, and shopping centers that welcome pups into their establishments. This will allow you to make the most of your days while being able to bring your pup along for the ride. It’ll also create opportunities for you to meet up with other dog moms and dads and arrange future play dates (or real dates with a fellow dog parent? Who knows)!

sagittarius-season-december-2022-monthly-horoscopes

December is a powerful month for the world and a month where love, power, and connection are all coming together as one. With the Astrological transits that are happening this month, true gifts are appearing to tap in to, and the possibilities are truly endless right now. Sagittarius Season is always a time when there is more hope and excitement in the air, and December is no different. There are a lot of opportunities this month if you open your heart to receiving them.

Keep reading...Show less
Here's The Real-Life Story Behind Netflix's 'From Scratch'

If you’ve recently heard the loud sobbing of women across social media, you can thank Netflix’s new romantic drama From Scratch for that. The series, based loosely on the memoir of the same name, which was written by Tembi Locke, centers on the story of a Black woman named Amy (Zoe Saldaña) who leaves behind her life and budding law career to move to Italy to study art. While there, she meets a local professional chef named Lino, and the two begin a romance that brings together two different cultures.

Keep reading...Show less
best-products-low-porosity-hair

Hair porosity is a puzzle constantly making its rounds on every social media platform from YouTube to TikTok. And it's for a good reason. Knowing your hair type is essential. Most hair gurus will tell you your hair porosity is a key component in the products you use and how you layer them.

Keep reading...Show less
Exclusive Interviews
Latest Posts