A couple of weeks ago, while I was in the process of doing some research on another topic that I will be addressing here sooner than later (stay tuned), I kept seeing two topics come up: monkey branching and cobwebbing. They were in the context of dating, and so, of course, I decided to go deeper.
While I already knew what monkey branching is (some of my clients do it), the concept of cobwebbing piqued my curiosity. Once I read what it was all about, I just knew that I had to write about it because, if there was less relational monkey branching and more cobwebbing going on out in these dating streets — the world would certainly be a safer place for us all (I’m…not…kidding).
If you’ve never heard of either term before and you’d like to know more about them, check out why monkey branching is so relationally counterproductive and how cobwebbing can totally change your dating life — for the better.
What Is Monkey Branching?
GiphyMonkey branching. Whew, chile. I think all of us have at least one friend who is an Olympian-level monkey brancher. Why do I say that? Okay, let me first explain what monkey branching is (in case you are someone who isn’t quite sure). You ever seen a cartoon where a monkey is swinging from limb to limb? If you look really carefully, they don’t release the branch that is behind them until they are able to fully grasp the branch that is before them; that way, they don’t fall. Now change the monkey out for a human and the branches out for other humans and, relationally, that is what monkey branching is in a nutshell.
Some relationship experts define it as someone who intentionally seeks out a new relationship while still being in one with another person so that they don’t have to ever end up being alone (which is a state of falling to some folks). My take? It is a bit different. For instance, I have someone in my world who I’ve been friends with for almost 20 years at this point. And you know what? Not once has she ever been single. When we first became close, she was in the middle of ending a relationship with someone and then, here came a guy from her past.
He courted her heavily to the point where, in a matter of months, she got engaged to him. Then, years later, when they separated, she reconnected with another ex. See what I mean? MONKEY BRANCHING. Believe it or not, it’s not so much because she’s afraid of being alone so much as she doesn’t take the time to step away to assess her patterns, so that she can actually learn from her experiences. As a direct result, she just keeps on repeating them.
Hmph. The interesting thing about this particular dating trend is, although it might seem like the monkey brancher is simply entitled and/or greedy and/or selfish behavior, that’s usually not the case. What’s really going on is those types of individuals typically have an anxious attachment style, they are dealing with some form of love addiction (check out “6 Signs You're A Love Addict”) or they are more than a little insecure and so they rely on the validation that being in some type of something with someone brings.
And so, when, for whatever the reason, a relationship hits some really hard times and/or looks like it’s about to run its course, they make sure that they are with another person (in some shape, form or fashion) before totally calling it “quits” with the first individual.
And that’s why I have a bit of a different take because while some people think that monkey branching is about intentional cheating, I think monkey branching is about not making the time to heal and evolve in between relationships. What other people believe vs. myself? I think both are semi-toxic behaviors.
As for my version of monkey branching — why is “toxic” the word that I would go with? Chile, lemme count the ways because, if you don’t know how to end things thoroughly, what you will essentially do is carry baggage on top of baggage on top of even more baggage into every relationship you get into (which makes things unnecessarily stress-filled and burdensome).
Also, because you never took the time to pause, ponder and reflect, you never really fully grow from your relationships — and that typically leads to cyclic behavior, wasted time and relationships that are only subpar and ho-hum in comparison to the quality ones that you could’ve had…if only you would’ve chosen to be a cobwebber instead of a monkey brancher.
And just what is cobbing all about?
What Is Cobwebbing?
GiphyHave you ever sat and wondered what cobwebs actually are? The best way to describe them is they are webs that spiders have left behind; ones that, if they aren’t removed, over time, dust and debris cling to them. The interesting thing about cobwebs is, if you were to read articles about them, many would probably say that they are what transpire when you neglect to thoroughly clean parts of your home.
Hmm…can you see where this is going?
For this one, let’s call your heart your house and spider webs the connections that you’ve had with certain men. Based on the dynamic of the relationship, even if they are gone in the physical sense, if you never took the time to “clear them away” from you — there will still be remnants of them lingering and lurking around. And so, what cobwebbing does is remove those “webs” that have collected in your space that don’t serve much of a purpose anymore, so that you can fully heal from those situations and/or you can become “free and clear” to move forward with someone else.
Okay, so what could a potential cobweb be?
- Comparing every guy in your present to someone in your past.
- Still having sex with an ex, even though you know it’s not going anywhere past the bedroom.
- Allowing an old boyfriend to have access to you…whenever he feels like it. Even casually.
- Talking to a toxic former partner on social media (even if it’s just on birthdays…he’s toxic regardless).
- Holding on to every single thing that an ex gave you.
- Bringing them up as much as possible…when doing so doesn’t even really make sense.
- “Editing” the past to make the relationship seem better/healthier than it actually was.
- Finding ways to keep them in your life, even though there’s no real reason to past nostalgia.
- Not moving on because you are hoping that your ex will return…eventually.
- Justifying what you know is nonsense; whether it’s about them or the relationship.
Now be honest with yourself — no matter how much you may want to romanticize or even deflect from these points, how can any of these “webs” be good and beneficial for you? How does a current guy get a fair shot if he’s competing with some dude he doesn’t even know yet you keep comparing him to? When will you ever be ready to be intimate with someone new if you keep creating oxytocin bonds with ole’ boy?
See, the thing that I like about cobwebbing is it encourages you to hold yourself accountable when it comes to stuff like this. It reminds you that in order to have the kind of relationship that you claim to want and deserve (check out “Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means?”), you need to put your mind, body and spirit in the position to do just that.
And that means cleaning out the old in order to be fully ready for the…new.
3 Tips to Stop Monkey Branching
GiphyAight, so it doesn’t make much sense to talk about what monkey branching and cobwebbing are if I’m not going to at least point you in the direction of how to become less of a monkey brancher and more of a cobwebber as well.
Let’s go with the monkey branching self-work first:
1. Get. Closure.
Some people aren’t a fan of closure; hell, I am. Closure is literally the act of shutting things down and bringing a conclusion to them. How can that be problematic? Besides, when you don’t officially get closure, that tends to leave a door cracked and the brief moment when I was in sales, what I always remembered is, if someone cracks a door or stays on a call with you for longer than five seconds, you definitely have a shot with them. Hmph. A lot of humans are in relationship sales. Always remember that.
2. Figure out why you struggle with being completely single.
If you keep monkey branching because you don’t like the thought of being alone, do me a favor and check out “If You're Not In Love With Being Single, Ask Yourself These 6 Questions” when you get a chance. While there is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship, something is a bit internally awry if you need it so badly that you can’t ever be by yourself (which is why you should also check out “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'” and “10 Bona Fide Benefits Of Being Single”).
3. Be intentional about going through a season of sex/dating abstinence.
Although it’s so transactional out here these days that I don’t know if people remember it anymore, dating is about getting to know someone (them not their wallet or their body in record time) better. And honestly, that’s how a season of abstinence from sex and dating altogether should be seen as: a time to get to know yourself, so that you’re not “grasping at straws” when it comes to men — you are vetting who truly complements you and your life because you know yourself well enough to accurately do so.
3 Tips to Make You a Master at Cobwebbing
GiphyTo tell you the truth, if you take the three steps that I just suggested literally and seriously when it comes to what it takes to release yourself from being a monkey brancher, the following three tips for how to become a solid cobwebber will probably come naturally to/for you.
1. See a therapist or relationship life coach.
My friend who I mentioned earlier. She’s in therapy, in part, for her monkey branching issues. Praise the Lord because something else that monkey branchers tend to do is over-romanticize their limbs/branches because they lack personal accountability. A reputable therapist/counselor/relationship life coach can help you in that department by asking you some questions that you probably wouldn’t ask yourself, confronting you with “aha moments” that you would probably dodge otherwise and provide you with tips to get you out of the hamster wheel of monkey branching that you keep putting yourself into.
2. Do some relational journaling.
It’s kind of weird how some people can’t see their patterns, even though they are the ones living them. Sometimes, what “shows them themselves” is journaling — and yes, when you’re in the process of removing your relational webs, writing down your thoughts, feelings, fears, habits when it comes to your “branches” can help you to see what you and doing and why. So yes, definitely commit to journaling as you’re in the process of detoxing/setting yourself free.
3. Remove the past. COMPLETELY.
Some people have a stronger hold on us than others — TRUST ME, I KNOW. And what I’ve had to learn is because they’re not going to stop being fine and we’re not going to stop having some sort of chemistry — if the potential cons far exceed the potential pros, I need to just…end it. COMPLETELY (Anthony David’s “Cold Turkey” actually just came to mind). No phone calls. No random texts. No asking about them via people we have in common. It’s in the past…so just…leave it there. Because just like cobwebs can come in the form of people, they can come in the form of thoughts as well — the less you engage, the sooner things…fade away.
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Remember how I said earlier than monkeys don’t release a “back branch” without holding firmly to a “front branch” because they don’t want to fall? For them, it’s for safety purposes. Thinking that being alone is going to harm you? Yeah, that’s not a healthy, wise or beneficial mindset — and that is a huge part of the reason why monkey branching is a huge “uh-uh” and cobwebbing gets a standing ovation.
Standing on your own, so that you don’t have to keep leaning on remnants of the past and potentials of the future simultaneously? That’s how you ultimately end up with a whole man — not fragments of a few.
Stop neglecting yourself and what you actually need. Clean those cobwebs out, sis.
Not eventually…NOW.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
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So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
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Apparently, there was a Thanksgiving episode that featured all of the friends having dinner together. And y’all, there was simply no way that I was going to mention the latter without shouting out the original (amen?).
Okay, so with that out of the way — Friendsgiving. Something that I appreciate about twists to holidays like this is that it’s a reminder that there is no one way to celebrate special occasions. And so, if, for whatever the reason, you will not or cannot be with family during the holiday season, there are certainly other alternatives at your disposal.
That being said, if the thought of spending time with friends this Thanksgiving is something that you’d like to do, yet you’re not sure how to host it in a way that will make Friendsgiving a fan favorite for your entire circle — I’ve got 10 suggestions that can make the planning process easy as pumpkin (or sweet potato) pie.
1. Position Chrysanthemums or Orchids for Your Table Décor
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Let’s start with décor first. Listen, aside from cleaning up your place, you don’t have to be over the top. If you put together a really nice centerpiece or put a flower at each table setting, honestly, you’re all good. And if you’re someone who is big on details and symbolism, my recommendation would be to go with some chrysanthemums and/or orchids.
When it comes to chrysanthemums, not only are they a peak fall flower, they represent things like friendship and happiness. And orchids? They tend to bloom during the fall and spring seasons and, not only are they about luxury, certain orchid colors also symbolize friendship (for the record, yellow roses symbolize friendship too). Perfect.
2. Incorporate Scents That Cultivate Gratitude
Speaking of cultivating a warm and inviting space, you can never go wrong with scented soy candles — or at least having an essential oil diffuser in a few spots. Some scents that actually help to bring in the spirit of gratitude include vanilla, jasmine, ginger, cedarwood and frankincense.
3. Use Upscale Paper Products to Dine With
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Let’s be real — a lot more of us would probably host events in our home if it wasn’t for the mess that is left behind in our kitchen once the festivities are over. Wanna avoid that? Use paper plates. No, I don’t mean the cheap Styrofoam ones. SMDH. These days, there are paper (and plastic) plate brands that will low-key blow your mind when it comes to how bougie they look. Some that are worth considering are located here, here and here.
4. Handwrite Thank-You Notes (Use Them As Place Settings)
If you’re like Tiffany (from the HBO series Insecure — what a time) was at that memorable dinner party when all hell broke loose between Lawrence and Issa and you’re pretty anal — I mean, particular — LOL — about place settings, it’s a nice touch to pick up some blank thank-you cards that you can write a personalized “I’m thankful for you because…” message in. Place each one where you’d like each friend to sit. They won’t see it coming and it’s a really nice touch.
5. Have Everyone Bring Their Favorite Homemade Dish
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Okay, and what if what has you on the fence about hosting is you don’t feel like doing a ton of cooking? Chile, this is where the concept of having a potluck comes in. Get everyone to bring the dish that they claim they cook the best and make sure to let them know how many individuals you plan on coming (so that they will make enough). You can even make a game out of it by having everyone anonymously vote for the first, second and third best dishes out of the bunch. Take it up a notch by having a prize for each winner.
6. Take a Warm Drink and Dessert Poll Beforehand
You know what isn’t discussed enough about dinner parties? Folks bringing desserts that other people don’t even like. SMDH. You can avoid this from becoming an issue at your Friendsgiving by sending an email (most people prefer that to group chats; let’s be real — and make sure to BCC everyone as well) asking everyone to share what their top three favorite desserts and warm drinks are. Then pick the top 2-3 out of the bunch. That way, you won’t have a ton of (for instance) coffee cake or apple cider lying around that no one even wanted in the first place.
7. Create a Signature Friendsgiving Mocktail and Cocktail
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Speaking of drinks, another way to make your Friendsgiving memorable is to come up with a signature mocktail (for those who don’t consume alcohol) and cocktail. For the mocktail, you can also poll your friends about their favorite mocktail or fruits and come up with a mixture of your own. For the cocktail — although National Friendship Day is actually in August, I did peep that there are certain drinks that have been created in its honor. Some of them are located here for you to do a bit of tweaking on (if you’d like).
8. Ask Everyone to Share Their “Favorite Friend Quality” of Another
You know how it’s customary for everyone to go around and share what they are truly thankful for before having dinner? Well, to continue along with the Friendsgiving theme, have each person share what their favorite friend quality is about the person to their right. If folks are just meeting each other for the first time, instead they can share what they value the most in friendship overall, along with a story of how it was displayed to them personally over the past 12 months.
9. Send Each of Your Guests Home with a Fresh Gratitude Journal
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Wanna send folks home with a nice parting gift? It would be so on-trend to give each of them a gratitude journal. Listen, we are in some crazy times right through here (at least in the States) and so, encouraging your friends to set some time aside, regularly, to think about and then outwardly express what they are grateful for? That helps to keep stress down, keep things in perspective and it reminds us all to maintain a positive mindset as much as possible.
10. Watch a Nostalgic Movie
While everyone is enjoying dessert and drinks, how about watching a movie that brings back fond memories? A list of some of the most popular movies to come out previous Thanksgiving weekends is located here and a list of some favorite Black holiday-themed films can be found here. It’s a way to wind down and share some laughs before everyone heads home.
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Friendsgiving. What a wonderful way to celebrate your friends while also observing Thanksgiving in a way that is totally on your terms. And now that you know how to put it together, what are you waiting for? Hit your friends up and let them know that, whether it’s on actual Thanksgiving Day or a few days before or after, you’ve got a special dinner in mind.
One that has a good time with amazing friends written ALL over it.
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