When you (and by that, I mean "I") counsel couples and constantly write about relationships, you’re gonna hear all sorts of random and fascinating stuff. Case in point — not too long ago, I was talking to an older man (in the grocery store, no less) about misconceptions that women have about men when it comes to sex. “A lot of you don’t think that a man can get turned out by a woman, but it happens and is easier than a lot of them think. A lot of it has little to do with her cat and that’s the point.” (Cat. LOL.)
Seniors — especially Black ones — are a wealth of wisdom, so while there was no need to test him on his insights, I did decide to interview a few fellas to see what their thoughts were on what he said and if they would be willing and able to provide me some examples too.
Below are what 12 men shared. At the very least, ponder what was said, poll a few guys who you know and then take all of the intel to heart. Because the other thing that the man said to me is that the women who can make it happen are the women who are truly unforgettable — “And trust me, we don’t remember everyone.”
Hmph. Let’s proceed, shall we?
*Middle names have been used because…well, I’m sure you get it.*
1. Malik. 33. Single.
Giphy“A lot of women talk about the importance of foreplay happening before sex. Guys feel the same way…in a different way. We like it when we get nasty-ass texts in the middle of the day or a phone call where our lady tells us what she enjoys that we do to her. Don’t underestimate a man’s need to feel thought about and appreciated even when it comes to sex. A woman who sexually affirms can have the world.”
2. Zeke. 24. Single.
“There’s muscle memory and then there’s sex memory. My best sex has been with women who pick up on my cues — the sounds I make during sex that let them know that some stuff is cool and other stuff is amazin’. If they hit those buttons and scratch those itches, she’s got me.”
3. Wesley. 37. In a Long-Term Relationship.
Giphy“Before I settled down, sex had gotten pretty stale, I won’t lie. I mean, p — sy is always gonna be good because even when it’s not, we can make it that way but it was just…predictable. That’s not the case now because she [name left out on purpose] always comes with something new — a new position, some new lingerie, some different tasting lube…hell, I never know. That has me intrigued because that means she’s always thinking about how to make our sex life better. It’s an adventure every time. She gets props for that.”
4. Hendrick. 30. Engaged.
“The best sex I ever had was with a woman from my job. At work, she was always really quiet and sweet but in the bedroom…if we ever made it to the bedroom?! She had a totally different personality. Wigs at work. Natural hair at home. Very cooperative at work. Demanding as hell at home. Even the way she treated me was different. She was very 'What do you need?' at work but in the bedroom, she was on some ‘Your d — k is mine’ s — t. It was the contrast more than anything that was a turn-on because she knew how to switch up her energy to get what she wanted. S — t. Now you’re gonna have me look her up on IG to see what her fine ass is up to these days.”
5. Jerod. 27. Single.
Giphy“How graphic can I get?"
"Ladies, you probably already know that good head is all about you enjoying giving it as much as we enjoy receiving it. But some of y’all be on a cheat code. You use so much of your hand that your mouth is barely touching it."
"A woman who moves her hands out of the way? She’s the one who can get a shopping spree afterward.”
6. Alex. 30. Married Five Years.
“I have an average size penis. The best sex I ever had was with a woman who know exactly what to do with it. Not having a huge d — k doesn’t mean we can’t please a woman but it does mean that some positions work better than others and she knew that. She put her own legs over my shoulder. She scooted her own self onto the side of the bed. She told me to sit up, so that she could wrap her body around me. A woman who knows a man’s body is gonna know how to take it there.”
7. Elijah. 42. Married 12 Years.
Giphy“I’ve been married for a long time now and even before then, I was out in these streets and yes, she knows it. What sold me on my wife, even before I proposed, was how high her drive was and how confident she was sexually. Guys are used to being the initiator so much that it’s damn near mind-blowing when a woman comes on the scene and can run circles around you with their libido. She always makes me feel wanted. A lot of women don’t get that that feeling alone will make a man want to come home — hell, come home early too.”
8. Vernon. 42. Single.
“One word: swallow. A woman who devours is gonna always be a top 10 in my book. It’s not just because it feels amazing. It’s also because she’s saying that she’s not turned off by every part of a man. Ask any guy. He’ll say the same thing.”
9. Cendall. 37. In a Long-Term Relationship.
Giphy“My best sex was with a woman who made me meditate naked with her before we did anything. I thought she was crazy AF at first but there can be a lot on your mind when you’re having sex. The quiet calmed me down and made it easier to focus on it all. I’ve tried to get other women to meditate too. Funny…it’s not quite the same.”
10. Manson. 33. Married Six Years.
“I swear you ain’t lived until you’ve been with a woman who hates having sex in the bed. I’m dead serious. The ones who will figure out how to get it in on the side of the couch, in the breakfast nook, and in the corner of your garage? It’s like they’re saying that a bed is too predictable to them — they want to try some new s — t, and hell, I’m wit it.”
11. Uzziah. 50. Divorced.
Sexy Season 2 GIF by Blunt Talk - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphy“The young women need to hear this:
"Making a man cum is not doing much. A hole in the wall can do that. Making a man orgasm is the key to life."
"One tip: His ball sack is there for a reason. Play with it. A LOT. You’re welcome.”
12. Jaymes. 30. Single.
“Enthusiasm is gonna beat out experience every time. A woman who expresses excitement about being with me? I don’t care if she knows how to spin on my d — k or not. She’s already got me hype because I feel like she genuinely wants to be there. I used to not understand Prince’s song ‘Kiss’ when he said that a woman doesn’t have to be experienced. I do now.”
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There you have it — 12 men who divulged a bit of what goes on in their own bat caves (so to speak), chile. Which one surprised you? Which one are you already implementing and seeing the results of? Which one will you try next time?
A wise person once said that the best sex comes from two people who get off on pleasing their partner.
Definitely words to live by if one of your sex-related life goals is to turn your man…all the way out.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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