We've all heard the cliché phrase "desperate times call for desperate measures," and with the cold weather swiftly moving in, most of us are looking for a hot plate and a warm body to lay next to at night. Fall/winter is the time of year to bring out our favorite sweaters, boots, socially-distanced family gatherings, gift buying, and pumpkin spice lattes. The joy of spreading holiday cheer can blind you sometimes from making reckless decisions. One of those decisions is welcoming a hobosexual into your home. What is a hobosexual, you ask?
This word was introduced to us by Rolling Out writer Nakita Nicci and its meaning refers to "a person who dates you with the sole interest of having a place to stay – not a genuine romantic interest." These home-hopping men will slide in your DMs on Monday, talk to you on the phone for hours on Tuesday, give you sex on Wednesday, tell you that they love you on Thursday, and want to move in by Friday. Aren't sure if the guy you're seeing is a hobosexual?
Here are five signs that you could be very well, indeed, dating a hobosexual.
He Moves The Relationship Hella Fast
Hobosexual: someone who is homeless and enters relationships just to find a home.
— Robine ♍🇭🇹🇨🇦 (@rockin_robine) December 2, 2020
Those who are interested in you are willing to take their time getting to know you and anyone serious about getting to know you will be patient with learning the details of your life and understanding how you add to theirs. They are anxious to spend time with you, enjoy your company, and ask more in-depth questions. They will make sure that their exes are indeed exes, that their career is steady, and their finances are together before talking about a relationship or marriage. If he's already saying that he loves you by the second week, see that as a red flag. This is a marathon, not a race.
He Lives In The “In-Between” Spaces In Life
We've all met our fair share of "in-between" men before. The ones in-between cars, jobs, bank accounts, past (read: current) romantic relationships, and living conditions. Those who are frequently "crashing" at a friend or relatives' house (read: parents) until they can get back on their feet. If he isn't willing to say what he does for a living, or explain what he does for a living, say it with me one more time: issa red flag. He ain't got no job, sis!
He Doesn’t Know When To Leave
It’s hobosexual szn ladies. Don’t let him know where you live!
— Cognac Dissonance (@rud_kel) December 7, 2020
Space is needed in any relationship, and in the initial stages of dating, you shouldn't just run past pacing in lieu of spending every waking minute together. If the man you are seeing is continuously spending the night and not allowing you to enjoy the space you pay rent in your aloneness, consider that a red flag. A man with his own would be willing to give you your space because he also has his. If you are having a hard time kicking him out, it's probably because he has nowhere else to go, so see that as a red flag.
His Lifestyle Is Infringing Upon The Way You Live Yours
If you find yourself spending extra money on food, notice your water bill increasing or do extra laundry, this is the perfect opportunity to evaluate your surroundings. Is he overstaying his welcome? Every time you ask to go to "his place", does he convince you that your spot is more comfortable? Or does he create a million and one reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea to visit his place? I'm sorry to break this to you, but he doesn't have a place to live, sis.
He Jumps Right Into Moving In With You
Gospel truth. Can make a woman a target for bums. The hobosexual energy is strong out here
— 🧚🏾♂️ droskie don dada | hatshepsut jenkins ✨ (@___dro__) December 5, 2020
Speaking of not having a place to live, if you happen to overhear your winter bae mentioning a desk, music equipment, bikes, workout equipment, his million and one Jordan's, high school yearbooks, and awards. If you hear any of this associated with a storage unit (or his parents or homeboys), that is a sign that he has no other place to live and he feels comfortable enough to move it out and move it in with you. Your one-bedroom apartment is now doubling as a bachelor pad.
Cut your losses, and let the free bird be free.
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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