Back in the day, I did a bit of modeling. That's how I found out that I had an hourglass shape. But, in comparison to my mom and a few of the other women in my family, although my breasts are big, waist is relatively small (especially when I exercise) and my hips are wide, my butt isn't exactly huge. It's a pretty nice size, but if I were a body-obsessed kind of person (or even if I had social media accounts), I could see why getting a butt enhancement would at least cross my mind.
I'll tell y'all what, though. After watching a roughly 18-minute BBC documentary about a 23-year-old Black woman who wanted to get a BBL (Brazilian Butt Lift), hearing about all of the risks (did you know that it's the deadliest cosmetic procedure, period?) and also hearing a Black female doctor say, "Black women are becoming a modern-day caricature of themselves"—I'm glad that I am at peace with my shape. It's not all I want it to be but it's healthy, it's mine and it's just what God gave me.
Besides, it's not like we're all supposed to look like human Barbie dolls (which are totally anatomically incorrect) or that we're even supposed to be the same body type (there are around 12 different kinds, by the way). Also, on the days when I want my butt to have a little extra "umph" to it, it's not like there aren't some cosmetic-free tricks that I can pull out of my bag.
If a bigger (or rounder or fuller) butt is something you struggle with having, before shelling out $5,000—or worse, putting your life at risk—how about testing some of these suggestions? See if they can give you (at least a little bit more of) the kind of butt that you want.
Make Sure the Fabric Stretches
Some of my favorite pants have spandex in them. No, they're not biker shorts (I've never owned a pair of those) but my yoga pants, some of my Old Navy jeans and faux pleather pants from Fashion Nova are all made up of at least 30-40 percent spandex. They're what make my pants comfortably fit and hug all of my curves. And yes, that automatically makes my butt appear fuller.
Watch Back Pocket PlacementGiphy
There's an ex-boyfriend of mine who used to say that a lot of white women have "tricky booties". What the heck is that? According to him, some of them appear to have bigger butts than they actually do, thanks to the placement of the back pockets on their jeans. He's actually on to something. Small pockets with high placements can provide the illusion that there's more going on "back there" than there might actually be.
Rock a Thong
I hate panty lines. Full stop. But if you're someone who never really cared about what your underwear looks like underneath your clothing, here's some food for thought. The lines that your panties provide draw attention to the look and size of your derriere. If you wear a thong (at least on the days when you're wearing something tight), no lines will show. It keeps outfits from looking tacky or cheap. It can make your butt look bigger too.
Try Horizontal Color-Blocking
Color-blocking continues to be a pretty big trend. But have you ever paid close attention to how the blocks can make your body look? If you want to appear thinner, vertical blocking tends to do the trick. But if you want your butt to look fuller, the last thing you should do is wear vertical lines in the back. You're much better off by putting on a skirt or dress that has one color from the thigh up and a different color—one that is positioned horizontally—from the thigh down.
Go with Light at the Top and Dark at the Bottom
If color-blocking isn't particularly your thing, another way to give an optical illusion when it comes to your lower half is to wear lightly colored clothing at the top and darker hues on the bottom. Another way to make this work is to wear solid colors up top and patterns down at the bottom.
Pay Attention to Waist-to-Hip Ratio
Something that I'm personally not the biggest fan of is pants that have a high waist. They just don't feel very comfortable to me. But if you want to make your hips and butt appear bigger, that's exactly what you need to be looking for because high-waisted clothing pulls your waist in so that more of a focus is put on your lower half. Another benefit that comes with going this route is when a pair of pants or a skirt has a high waist, that makes it possible for people to see the entire shape and curve of your butt when they are walking behind you.
Buy a Couple of Light Blue Jeans
Speaking of slimming yourself down, you probably know that dark hues are what can help to take a couple of pounds off. That's why it should make total sense that if you wanted your butt to look smaller, dark blue (or black) jeans can make that happen. If you want your butt to look bigger, light blue jeans are your better bet (I can totally vouch for this).
Put on a Pair of Yoga Pants
There used to be a time when yoga pants were only for working out. Whatever. I've got about six pairs at this point that I rock about as much as my jeans. They're cute. They're comfortable. They smooth out any small bumps or dimples and they're really good at toning your body. If you don't own a pair, do your butt—and the rest of your body—a favor and cop at least two or three. You won't regret it. I promise you that.
Tote a Smaller PurseGiphy
My absolute favorite purse is an oversized khaki green hobo bag that I got on Etsy. I adore it so much that I'll take the smaller-looking butt in exchange for lugging it around any day of the week. But I did read, a few times, that another way to appear to have a bigger butt is if you carry a smaller purse. I guess I get it. If the purse has a strap, it's gonna probably hang right around the hips and if we're holding a clutch, our hands are oftentimes in the same place. So, if the purse is small, it'll make the region that it's around seem larger.
When you look at the chicks that are on Fashion Nova ads and modeling on IG, when they want to draw attention to their backside (and you can always tell when that's the case), what do they usually have on? Yep. A pair of heels!
There are a few reasons why heels work in your favor in this way. First, just by putting them on, your posture automatically improves. The second thing is heels are able to elongate your legs. Another benefit is heels have a way of causing us to push our breasts up and our butt out. Heels can work even more to your advantage if you're wearing them with something pleated, an A-line or flared skirt or anything that is above the knee.
Try at least three of these tips and stand in front of a full-length mirror. Then turn around and look at how your butt looks. I'd be shocked if you didn't notice a semi-major improvement. And the best thing about them is, they were cheap and pain-free. Oh, and you didn't have to put your life in jeopardy in the process. A major win, if you ask me.
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- Best Lingerie For Your Body Type - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
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- Question: Do You Have A 'Butt Care Routine'? You Should. - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, Wellness ›
- Do Heels Make Your Butt Look Bigger? | Livestrong.com ›
- 4 Ways to Make Your Butt Rounder - wikiHow ›
- How to Make Your Butt Look Bigger in Leggings - YouTube ›
- Make Your Butt Look Good Naked - The Better Butt Challenge ›
- 18 Ways To INSTANTLY Make Your Butt Look BIGGER ! - YouTube ›
- Skin Care Tips For Your Butt | POPSUGAR Beauty ›
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
I’m willing to bet that this is not the first time you’ve seen this couple. Dalen Spratt is a television producer, owner of a tailored men's suit line, and creator of Ghost Brothers: Haunted Houseguests, which is currently streaming on Destination America. Stacey Spratt is also a serial entrepreneur, focusing mostly on events and the nonprofit world, and she is the owner of two award-winning craft beer bars called Harlem Hops. But their accolades are not what united them.
The couple met years ago at their alma mater, Clark Atlanta University, when they were still working to create the life they have now, and if you had told them then that they’d eventually tie the knot, the pair probably would’ve laughed in your face.
Today, they’re new parents, flourishing in their careers, and each others’ “teammates.” When desiring love, Dalen recommends not looking to other couples for advice. And Stacey advises staying true to what you want. “Don’t put age or limitations on love and children. If God could do it for me, why can’t he do it for you?”
Here's How We Met.
How did you meet?
Dalen: We met in 2005 when she was advising the Greek sororities and fraternities in college. She was old as hell in college, and I was a young buck (laughs). Everybody had a crush on her, but I didn’t think much of it. Then, in 2007, we were in the same grad school class, but she still wasn’t trying to see me then either. I had to catch her five years ago; I was very patient.
Stacey: Yeah, everybody in our grad school class called him Young, Fresh to Death because he was always dressed in B-school (what CAU affectionately refers to as business major classes), and we’d just wear sweatpants (laughs).
So, I know Dalen was always attracted to you. But what about you? Did your attraction to him develop over time?
Stacey: So 2006-2008 – all the years went by. I don’t think we were really thinking about each other at all back then. Years later, I had an event in Dallas, and I booked him to be a speaker. Then, a few years ago, Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: "If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you." But I still thought he was too young at the time, and he started pulling receipts. Taraji P. Henson was dating someone young at the time, Gabrielle Union–
Dalen: First of all, I didn’t do that. You did that.
Stacey: Okay, I did. I thought he was a cutie pie, but that age thing was on my mind!
"Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: 'If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you.'"
Talk to me about the first date. How did he change your mind?
Stacey: Our first date was at Tin Lizzy's in Atlanta. During that time, he was living in Dallas, so it was long-distance. But he came into town, and we just had a good time. We talked a lot, which we still do. It wasn’t anything fantastic.
Dalen: Don’t downplay our first date.
Then, walk me through your courtship. How did you get to the next level? What was that conversation like?
Stacey: I think he knew at age 43 or 44 I wasn’t playing around. But also, I think it just naturally progressed.
Dalen: Yeah, it just happened naturally. And I’m going to be honest, I don’t think initially either one of us thought it would be as serious as it was. She thought I was too young and I wasn’t ready for marriage, kids, and all that. I think we both thought we were just hanging out. But after spending so much time together, a lot of stuff started happening. Like, she had to have surgery early on. It wasn’t just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That’s why we still don’t have an anniversary date because we never really asked.
"It wasn't just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That's why we still don't have an anniversary date because we never really asked."
What made you want to commit to each other?
Dalen: The moment I knew Stacey was for me was from a phone call. I don’t really like talking on the phone, and I can be really blunt sometimes. But we were talking, and I said, ‘I don’t really feel like talking anymore.’ And she was just like, okay, and hung up. I wasn’t trying to be rude, and she understood that. It sounds bad, but that’s how I knew she just got me. I felt like she could get my random awkward moments, and she does to this day.
Stacey: For me, I liked him as a person. Even when times get rough and tough, I could still like him as a human. He is my best friend. We have time. We laugh until we cry, and it’s just always like that. Even when we get pissed at each other, something happens, and we fix it. Also, how he treats his mother. That’s a momma’s boy, but I’m a daddy’s girl – so I get it. I know how I want to be treated, and I see how he is with her and that’s beautiful.
What are some important lessons you’ve learned about yourself through loving your partner in this relationship?
Dalen: I grew up an only child and she grew up with siblings. So, when you have someone who is used to doing things by themselves, there is definitely a learning curve when you get into a serious relationship. It’s funny now, but it was definitely a process.
Stacey: I agree – definitely the only child thing. There’s times I look at him like, did you ever live with anyone else? That comes from being momma's baby, too. I have to say, my “mother-in-love” spoiled him. But also with Axel (their daughter), that brings another level of patience.
Photo by Paras Griffin/Getty Images
What was the biggest challenge that you had to overcome together?
Dalen: We’ve gone through a lot within the years we’ve been together. We suffered two miscarriages – I’d say that’s the biggest.
Stacey: Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me. I was wondering if I can’t carry [a child] what that looks like for us. We had very real conversations pretty early in our relationship.
"Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me."
What do you fight the most about?
Dalen: Nagging. Stacey nags; she’s a complainer. She’s that momma that will look in a room and just hunt for something to complain about. Like, I’m worried for Axel when she's in high school.
Stacey: It’s because I like things to be in place. He leaves stuff all over the place. I can tell where he’s been in the house because something is left around. So he says I’m nagging – but it’s like, just get your stuff.
What are your love languages?
Dalen: Stacey is gifts all day.
Dalen: We’ve talked about this. xoNecole is about to cause problems in our home (laughs).
Stacey: Obviously I love you. *thinks again* It’s words of affirmation.
Dalen: That’s it.
What’s your favorite thing about each other?
Dalen: I’ve always respected her business-mindedness. That may sound superficial, but it’s not because I’ve never been with someone who thinks like me. It’s one of my most treasured things about her. I remember one day, I was just running through ideas with her, and each time Stacey had a suggestion on how I could make it better. It’s just very comforting. She takes whatever I’m doing and elevates it – including me.
Stacey: I love Dalen’s hustle and creativity. He’s been on multiple shows, and he continues to create, produce, and reinvent himself and the product he’s putting out. I love that we can create together and bounce things off each other. Even though we may be in different arenas, there’s nothing he can’t offer me great advice about. I love that drive.
Finally, how did you know it was love?
Dalen: Well – she said it – first. (laughs)
Stacey: And he looked at me and smiled! He didn’t say it back. We were on a trip, out of the country.
Dalen: We were arguing when she said it, and she just threw it out.
Stacey: But we continue to do that. We’ve spent holidays and everything outside of the country.
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The conversation about sex and intimacy often neglects the experiences of individuals with disabilities. Society's misguided notion that individuals with disabilities are devoid of desires for love, intimacy, and sexual fulfillment is not only preposterous but also damaging, but one disability activist is here to challenge that narrative.
"Society's perception of disability has greatly influenced my own understanding and expression of my sexuality," said author and disabled influencer Tylia L. Flores. "The stigma associated with my disability made it difficult for me to express myself freely, leading to self-esteem issues during my teenage years."
Born with Spastic Cerebral Palsy, Flores refuses to let her condition define her love life or limit her aspirations. As a passionate advocate for her community, she's on a mission to shatter misconceptions and pave the way for a more inclusive understanding of sexuality within the disabled community.
Misconceptions About Sexuality for the Disabled Community
Ableist misconceptions cast shadows over romantic pursuits for disabled individuals. These misunderstandings can lead to assumptions and judgments that hinder their ability to explore and experience love fully.
For instance, Flores revealed that most believe her caregiver, her mother, or another abled-bodied individual has total influence over her decisions with a partner. Contrary to popular belief, Flores wants the world to know she has complete control over her emotions and decisions regarding her dating and sex life.
"By educating others about sexuality and disability, I challenge these stereotypes and break down barriers. By being open about my experiences and advocating for inclusivity, I hope to inspire others to see beyond misconceptions and embrace diverse experiences within the disabled community," Flores stated.
Another misconception is disabled characters in movies, shows, or books cannot be the main character of affection or have sex. Media representations often portray disabled characters as either asexual or objects of pity, reinforcing harmful stereotypes and perpetuating that disabled individuals are not sexual beings.
"The only way we could create a more inclusive world for Black women with disabilities is to have more Black women come out and voice their truths in the mainstream media and literature, and that's my whole goal as an author," said Flores. "I want to see more disabled characters have sex on TV screens and express themselves sexually like abled-bodied characters."
Ignoring The Suggestion of ‘Limited Romance’ in Partners
The stigma surrounding disability and sexuality finds its roots in deeply ingrained societal biases and stereotypes. Throughout history, people with disabilities were systematically marginalized and desexualized, relegated to the fringes of society. This pervasive attitude stems from a misguided belief that disability diminishes one's humanity, erasing desires and needs deemed as "normal" for able-bodied individuals.
"As a Black woman with cerebral palsy, I have faced challenges in navigating intimate relationships. One challenge has been the lingering belief among many that individuals with disabilities should be limited in their romantic choices by only dating or being intimate with other disabled people," Flores explained. "This suggestion is based on assumptions that individuals with physical disabilities are not capable of having fulfilling relationships."
She overcame this by putting herself out there and actively sharing her life and experiences with others. The author also noted that she doesn't have a "type" limited to African Americans or disabled. She prioritized finding love based on shared values, compatibility, and sexual desires. Additionally, she recommended showing yourself without fear of judgment or prejudice when it comes to dating or having a sexual relationship. The right person will value and respect you, disability and all.
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Feature image by Renata Angerami/ Getty Images