Alas, fall is upon us and I've successfully dragged myself into a show hole.
I've binge watched my favorite shows from beginning to end and I've grown weary of my list of top-rated melanated movie titles. Just when there seemed like there was nothing left, fall premiere slates slid through with the come through and blessed us with this ultimate fall watchlist.
Here's a list of everything new and black in Hollywood that you can look forward to this fall:
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Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
You may not know her by Elisabeth Ovesen – writer and host of the love, sex and relationships advice podcast Asking for a Friend. But you definitely know her other alter ego, Karrine Steffans, the New York Times best-selling author who lit up the literary and entertainment world when she released what she called a “tell some” memoir, Confessions of a Video Vixen.
Her 2005 barn-burning book gave an inside look at the seemingly glamorous world of being a video vixen in the ‘90s and early 2000s, and exposed the industry’s culture of abuse, intimidation, and misogyny years before the Me Too Movement hit the mainstream. Her follow-up books, The Vixen Diaries (2007) and The Vixen Manual: How To Find, Seduce And Keep The Man You Want (2009) all topped the New York Times best-seller list. After a long social media break, she's back. xoNecole caught up with Ovesen about the impact of her groundbreaking book, what life is like for her now, and why she was never “before her time”– everyone else was just late to the revolution.
Elisabeth Ovesen: I have a friend who is over [at Blavity] and he just asked me if I wanted to do something with him. And that's just kinda how it happened. It wasn't like some big master plan. Somebody over there was like, “Hey, we need content. We want to do this podcast. Can you do it?” And I was like, “Sure.” And that's that. That was around the holidays and so we started working on it.
EO: Not that different. I mean my life is very different, of course, but my work isn't really that different. My life is different, of course, because I'm 43. My career started when I was in my 20s, so we're looking at almost 20 years since the beginning of my career. So, naturally life has changed a lot since then.
I don’t think my career has changed a whole lot – not as far as my writing is concerned, and my stream of consciousness with my writing, and my concerns and the subject matter hasn’t changed much. I've always written about interpersonal relationships, sexual shame, male ego fragility, respectability politics – things like that. I always put myself in the center of that to make those points, which I think were greatly missed when I first started writing. I think that society has changed quite a bit. People are more aware. People tell me a lot that I have always been “before my time.” I was writing about things before other people were talking about that; I was concerned about things before my generation seemed to be concerned about things. I wasn't “before my time.” I think it just seems that way to people who are late to the revolution, you know what I mean?
I retired from publishing in 2015, which was always the plan to do 10 years and retire. I was retired from my pen name and just from the business in general in 2015, I could focus on my business, my education and other things, my family. I came back to writing in 2020 over at Medium. The same friend that got me into the podcast, actually as the vice president of content over at Medium and was like, “Hey, we need some content.” I guess I’m his go-to content creator.
EO: No, it was nothing to expound upon. I mean, writers have pen names. That’s like asking Diddy, why did he go by Sean? I didn't go back. I've always used that. Nobody was paying attention. I've never not been myself. Karrine Steffans wrote a certain kind of book for a certain kind of audience. She was invented for the urban audience, particularly. She was never meant to live more than 10 years. I have other pen names as well. I write under several names. So, the other ones are just nobody's business right now. Different pen names write different things. And Elisabeth isn’t my real name either. So you'll never know who I really am and you’ll never know what my real name is, because part of being a writer is, for me at least, keeping some sort of anonymity. Anything I do in entertainment is going to amass quite a bit because who I am as a person in my private life isn't the same a lot of times as who I am publicly.
EO: What I said earlier. I think that much of society has evolved quite a bit. When you look back at that time, it was actually shocking how old-fashioned the thinking still was. How women were still treated and how they're still treated now. I mean, it hasn't changed completely. I think that especially for the audience, I think it was shocking for them to see a woman – a woman of color – not be sexually ashamed.
I hate being like other people. I don't want to do what anyone else is doing. I can't conform. I will not conform. I think in 2005 when Confessions was published, that attitude, especially about sex, was very upsetting. Number one, it was upsetting to the men, especially within urban and hip-hop culture, which is built on misogyny and thrives off of it to this day. And the women who protect these men, I think, you know, addressing a demographic that is rooted in trauma that is rooted in sexual shame, trauma, slavery of all kinds, including slavery of the mind – I think it triggered a lot of people to see a Black woman be free in this way.
I think it said a lot about the people who were upset by it. And then there were some in “crossover media,” a lot of white folks were upset too, not gonna lie. But to see it from Black women – Tyra Banks was really upset [when she interviewed me about Confessions in 2005]. Oprah wasn't mad [when she interviewed me]. As long as Oprah wasn’t mad, I was good. I didn't care what anybody else had to say. Oprah was amazing. So, watching Black women defend men, and Black women who had a platform, defend the sexual blackmailing of men: “If you don't do this with me, you won't get this job”; “If you don't do this in my trailer, you're going to have to leave the set”– these are things that I dealt with.
I just happened to be the kind of woman who, because I was a single mother raising my child all by myself and never got any help at all – which I still don't. Like, I'm 24 in college – not a cheap college either – one of the best colleges in the country, and I'm still taking care of him all by myself as a 21-year-old, 20-year-old, young, single mother with no family and no support – I wasn’t about to say no to something that could help me feed my son for a month or two or three.
EO: That's not the music industry, that's urban music. That’s just Black folks who make music and nobody cares about that. That's the thing; nobody cares...Nobody cares. It's not the music industry. It's just an "urban" thing. And when I say "urban," I say that in quotations. Literally, it’s a Black thing, where nobody gives a shit what Black people do to Black people. And Russell didn't go on unchecked, he just had enough money to keep it quiet. But you know, anytime you're dealing with Black women being disrespected, especially by Black men, nobody gives a shit.
And Black people don't police themselves so it doesn't matter. Why should anybody care? And Black women don't care. They'll buy an R. Kelly album right now. They’ll stream that shit right now. They don’t care. So, nobody cares. Nobody cares. And if you're not going to police yourself, then nobody's ever going to care.
EO: Absolutely not. No. There's nothing that I wish I would've gone back and said to myself, no. I don’t think at 20-something years old, I'm supposed to understand every little thing. I don't think the 20-something-year-old woman is supposed to understand the world and know exactly what she's doing. I think that one of my biggest regrets, which isn't my regret, but a regret, is that I didn't have better parents. Because a 20-something only knows what she knows based on what she’s seen and what she’s been taught and what she’s told. I had shitty parents and a horrible family. Just terrible. These people had no business having children. None of them. And a lot of our families are like that. And we may pass down those familial curses.
*This interview has been edited and condensed
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Feature image courtesy of Elisabeth Ovesen
To be or not to be, that’s the big question regarding relationships these days – and whether or not to remain monogamous. Especially as we walk into this new awakening of what it means to be in an ethically or consensual nonmonogamous relationship. By no means are the concepts of nonmonogamy new, so when I say 'new awakening,' I simply mean in a “what comes around, goes around” way, people are realizing that the options are limitless. And, based on our personal needs in relationships they can, in fact, be customized to meet those needs.
I especially find it fascinating that more and more Black women are seemingly opening themselves up to consensual nonmonogamy, or CNM, and not in the way that centers men, but in a way that truly honors their needs and healing journey. Though I prefer monogamy myself, this is also because I have done the introspective work to know it is truly what I desire for where I am in my life, meanwhile it has my good people in a chokehold. In fact, in an effort to poke fun at those who choose a CNM relationship, mono people tend to throw jabs claiming that people are polygamous–calling the women involved foolish and naive.
I mention this because polyamory, along with nonmonogamy, is an umbrella term, and polygamy is but one form of polyamory that exists – and of course, it’s one of the most rigid and sexist structures to date. But as I’ve mentioned before, a helpful way to clear up any misunderstanding is realizing that polygamy requires you to be married to multiple partners, and for every Big Love episode you watched, I promise you it’s not as easy as it sounds in that it’s illegal in almost all of the United States. Polyamory on the other hand is not illegal as it does not require marriage – a legal transaction – to occur for the relationship to exist.
I was exposed to a new term after listening to Shan Boody's podcast Lovers and Friends and a particular episode titled "Is It Cheating? Or Is It An Open Relationship?" The dating term that I found particularly interesting is "free relationships." It made me realize there are more than a few words under the umbrella of open relationships and polyamory that could use clarification.
Here are six terms defining nonmonogamous relationship styles that I found to be curious and thought you might too.
A free relationship is a relationship where the structure of the commitment is flexible for one reason or another, perhaps neither of you are quite sure about the relationship style yet but don’t desire such rigid boundaries. It allows you to explore the different types of relationships freely. For instance, you may start off as monogamous but decide that doesn’t work and renegotiate the boundaries and relationship structure in place.
A solo-poly relationship style is simply one when you’re single or independent, but exploring intimate relationships with others. If I’m being honest, I’m not entirely sure that it doesn’t differ from the concept of dating around. It’s the modern and politically correct way to say “playing the field.”
Monogamish is when a couple has a monogamous base in the house that is their relationship, but the boundaries around flirtation and sexual relations provide wiggle room. In this particular relationship style, there is sort of like a “when in Rome” – roam, vibe but with no attachment to anyone outside of your relationship.
Shan Boody provides the metaphor of a team sport for this type of consensual nonmonogamy stating that it’s similar to “a couple that bowls together.” Moonlighting is more often than not enjoying and entertaining other singles, couples, or throuples for sex and not an emotional connection. They even have clubs and events to help facilitate moonlighting er, swinging.
As swingers, you typically play together in some capacity! It doesn’t necessarily have to be a threesome but perhaps swapping partners. But, it’s also okay for one partner to maybe just take on a more voyeur-like role while the other is more hands-on.
An open relationship has little to no boundaries, but please hear me when I say there are still boundaries as is the case with any type of relational transaction. But this allows space for multiple emotional and sexual connections outside the bounds of your relationship. Even to that end, you may choose to have a primary partner or you may instead choose to have multiple partnerships without prioritizing any of them.
This term translates to “many loves” and is an umbrella term that can also encompass concepts such as mono-poly, vee relationships, and triads (or a throuple) – which are all also umbrella terms. Polyamory is simply the implication that you are the opposite of monogamous by one of the aforementioned definitions or another.
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Lizzo has never been the one to shy away from being her authentic self whether anyone likes it or not. But at the end of the day, she is human. The “Juice” singer has faced a lot of pushback for her body positivity social media posts but in the same vein has been celebrated for it. Like her social media posts, her music is also often related to women’s empowerment and honoring the inner bad bitch.
Recently, Lizzo appeared on Big Boy’s Neighborhood and discussed body confidence, how she handles social media trolls, her three-month vow of silence, and much more.
Here are eight things we learned about the multi-hyphenate artist.
"I’ve always been confident in my talent. I could always lean on my talent, my personality. Physically, [I] did not have the confidence that I have now. I had to work really hard for it because I was born with it and the world took it away from me and it was my job to get it back.
"Growing up watching television, growing up going to school, and being told through messaging and explicitly being told from people’s mouths that I was not beautiful. That I didn’t look good, my body wasn't good. My body was bad. I need to lose weight. I would be so much prettier if I was thin. That! And seeing movies not seeing myself, seeing magazines, not seeing myself. That kinda took my confidence away. Watching movies where fat people were made fun of where they’re the butt of the joke. They’re always out of breath. Never the love interest, never desirable. That is what took my confidence away from me because I believed it."
"I tried to change myself. I dieted most of my entire life, wore girdles and shapewear to school when I was in middle school. Uncomfortable girdles that was breaking [out my] skin [and] making me sweat profusely in class. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed of myself. I worked out in the gym all the time. I didn’t eat. I was obsessed with being thin ‘cause I thought that would make me pretty."
"I never had a Lizzo, but there were people before me that gave me hope like Queen Latifah, Missy Elliott and it’s wild that now I’m in spaces where I can share spaces with Missy Elliott, Queen Latifah. I’ve done a song with Missy and a music video 'Tempo' and she gives me great advice. I saw Queen Latifah at the Songwriters Hall of Fame and she was like man, you are doing everything that you’re supposed to be doing. I wished I had seen this when I was coming up and I was like but you’re you. That’s what I saw. So to hear it from my inspiration from my influence is wild because it’s confirmation that I’m doing the right thing."
"I’m a part of a new generation of artists. I’m in a new class. It’s like me, Lil Nas X, and Doja Cat. We’re coming up in this age where this is normal. It’s almost like well, it’s a part of the game where you gotta get abused verbally on the internet by millions of strangers every day. You kind of make that a part of your identity as an artist and it’s actually sh–ty. We shouldn’t be putting up with this.
"I remember the first time I really talked to Adele on the phone was when I was getting a lot of backlash for just being a fat person and she called me and was like, ‘How the hell are you doing this?’ She was like it wasn’t like this when she was first coming out which goes to show how quickly the industry has changed. I think it’s fun to piss people off. I like pissing them off because it’s like what are you gonna do about it bitch and if you try to do something I’d beat yo' mothaf--kin' ass."
"I’m an artist and my art is this thing that evolves and it’s growing so whatever I feel like doing in that moment, I’ma do it. So right now, I’m a singer and I’m singing. My voice is the genre because I think also this new age of artists we have kind of taken the boundary line off of genres officially which is a beautiful thing because genre’s inherently racist. They used genre to keep white kids away from black music period, back in the day. Race music, whatever they wanted to call it, it was segregation, and the fact that we’ve played into it for so long just shows how much it works and we have turned that down and said, 'F–k that, nah.'
"It started with people saying, ‘I listen to everything.’ Remember when people used to be like no, I listen to rap or I listen to r&b or I listen to rock. People didn’t listen to other stuff and now it’s like nah, we listen to everything and I make everything."
"I love my stuff. I listen to my music all the time. It’s really the only music I listen to because I’m listening to my demos. Sometimes I be with my friends and they be like can you put on that song, I’m not gonna say the name of the song, but the unreleased ones, and I be like sure."
"God doesn’t let people around me who not supposed to be around and this is a bigger conversation than who I’m touring with in general but my circle is tighter than my p–sy and it’s just as good."
"I didn’t talk to nobody and I lived in the house with my mom and my brother and we were in Denver, Colorado and I was just in a bad place in my life. A lot of horrible things happened back to back to back and I kind of shut down—I really just stopped talking. I just had nothing to say to nobody. I was angry with the world and I changed my life. I was gonna be this concert flutist.
I was gonna move to Paris, study at the Paris Conservatory, [and] try to be in a symphony. That was the dream and when that dream ended, I was like okay what are you gonna do now? I think in that three months I was like okay, you’re gonna be a singer, you’re gonna be a rapper, you’re gonna do music. And I was like this is delusional but in those three months, I completely convinced myself. It sounds nice like I took a monk’s vow but it hurt my mom’s feelings a lot. It hurt my brother’s feelings and it hurt me too to do that. I was out of my body. I was like what are you doing? Just talk to them and it was like no you have nothing to say.
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Featured image by Matt Winkelmeyer/MG22/Getty Images for The Met Museum/Vogue
I think we all know what it feels like to have our favorite sex toy fail us in one way or another, particularly the conundrum of having it die mid-use. But even then, there has never been a part of me that considered using random objects around my house. Instinctively, I was aware that stimulating my coochie with a makeshift dildo would not be the answer to my problem. But, instead, further exacerbate an already frustrating situation…making it…uncomfortable, to say the least.
However, this doesn’t acknowledge the sexually ambitious and curious kinksters who seek out the thrill because there are no doubt those who go for the kill with no reasoning. Still, I don’t have to remind you what curiosity did to the cat, so caution is still best. And, unless your goal is to be on an episode of Sex Sent Me to the ER, then I urge you to refrain from masturbating with these…things…often found in your home. Yes, I’m tabling (no pun intended) a few items but I’m certain there are some safety measures you might be able to take when improvising for whatever reason. So instead of just giving you a list of 16 items found around the home and whether or not they’re safe to masturbate with, I'm also giving a few pointers on how to make them safe for the curious and kinky.
Of note, each expert varies in their views as to what is considered 'safe' and 'unsafe' based on their niche and so much more. In fact, Marla Renee Stewart, MA, sexologist and sexual strategist at Velvet Lips Sex Education points out, “A lot of the things that I would suggest would typically be associated with kink, but anything in general (in the vanilla world), you really just don't want to masturbate with anything that would be harmful to you in any way and that would vary from person-to-person.”
As for the more 'vanilla' side of things, we spoke with WHNP-BC Sexual Health Expert and Pelvic Floor Specialist Jenna Perkins, to provide a brief list of common household items that range from a hard "no" to somewhere in the gray area.
GiphyPerkins adds that “anything inserted should be covered with a condom to protect from bacteria. Lube should always be incorporated into penetrative play.” You are able to use the following for lubrication: “Vaseline, coconut, or olive oil applied externally [but keep in mind] oils can degrade condoms and are not recommended for penetration when latex condoms are being used.”
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Gabourey Sidibe is in the midst of wedding planning after her beau Brandon Frankel popped the question in 2020. The Empire actress made the exciting announcement on Instagram in November 2020 and now she is spilling the deets to Brides magazine about her upcoming wedding. "It cannot be a traditional wedding. Really, it can't be. I don't want anything done the 'traditional' way," she said. "Our relationship is very much on our terms and I want it to be fun, like a true party."
There will also be nothing traditional about her wedding dress. While the Precious star has drawn inspiration from Orange is the New Black actress Danielle Brooks’ wedding dress, who wore a white Christian Siriano gown, she won’t be wearing white.
"I'm super against tradition," she said. "I definitely don't need a white dress. My favorite look [from the Brides shoot] was the pink African print. Honestly, whatever I wear on the wedding day will probably be African print. It might have a little white, so it looks like a wedding dress, but it's definitely going to be colorful."
They are also a DIY couple and plan on taking some of the wedding responsibilities into their own hands with a little outside help.
"We like to outsource, but we're both very involved in everything we do. We're creative people and we're both pretty good at executing, so we'll have someone [helping], but we'll definitely be super involved," Brandon said.
Gabourey and Brandon made their relationship Instagram official in 2019 after meeting on the members-only dating app Raya. In the actress’ engagement announcement, she gave some insight into their humor and love for one another.
“The funniest man I’ve ever met. The sweetest human to exist,” she wrote. “@brandontour made up a song for when i put my bonnet on at night. The second I look a bit stressed and overwhelmed, he jumps into action to take over what he can for me. Every moment with him is a joy. He is the partner i thought I was too independent to need.”
She concluded her post by calling him “my partner, my best friend, my cats’ daddy, my mans, my heart, my fiancé!!!”
The couple plan to get married in spring 2023.
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