Even though I personally don’t know anyone who doesn’t like smelling good (and praise the Lord for that), I’m not sure how many people are aware of just how deep the rabbit hole goes when it comes to the impact that fragrance makes. For starters, scents cultivate a psychological impact on our moods. Scents affect how attracted we are (or aren’t) to other people. Scents are even connected to our memories and trigger certain emotions. Oh, and if you want to intensify your orgasms, you also should pay close attention to the kinds of scents that you (or your partner) wear.
So yeah, when I decided to pen this article, the reason why I think it’s a good idea to know how to smell good, for as long as you possibly can, isn’t “just because.” As you can see, there are all sorts of benefits that come from making the most out of your favorite fragrance. So, let’s dive into 12 things that you can do to stay smelling totally amazing for hours (and hours) on end.
1. Don’t Settle for the Cheap Stuff
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You know what they say — you get what you pay for. Well, when it comes to perfumes and colognes (by the way, the main difference between the two is perfume contains a higher concentration of perfume oils), one way to know if a smell-good is on the cheaper side is if it smells particularly sweet; another way is if the scent fades 2-4 hours after putting it on. Still, another is the more expensive stuff tends to not smell one-dimensional; it will literally have levels of scent to it.
Listen, all of us are trying to keep extra coins in our pockets. Still, if you want your perfume (or cologne) to last longer than the time it takes to walk into and then out of a movie, you’re gonna be better off investing in the stuff that comes with a bit of a higher price tag. There’s no way around that; that’s just the way it is.
2. Stop Shaking Your Bottles
Something that was my “something new for the day” is, it’s not a good idea to shake your perfume bottles. Whenever you do that, you bring air into the bottle, and that ultimately can compromise the way your perfume smells. So, if that’s always been your thing, it’s time to break that habit ASAP.
3. Keep in Mind That Perfume Actually Does Expire
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If you’ve had some perfume bottles since, hell, you don’t even know when, it might be time to toss them. Although you may have never even considered this point, word on the street is that perfume does indeed expire. Some ways to know is if one of your perfumes has a sour or metallic smell to it, it changes color, or if you’ve had it for a decade or longer — if any of these boxes check off, get something else. It’s (past) time.
(By the way, if you were wondering, it would appear that muskier scents last longer than citrusy ones do. Just an FYI.)
4. “Seal Your Skin” After Getting Out of the Bath/Shower
It might surprise you to know that lotions and moisturizers are actually a pretty controversial topic when it comes to skincare experts. Some frown upon them because they make it difficult for dead skin cells to naturally remove themselves from your body. Others say that regular application of them can alter the chemistry of your skin and make hydration from the inside out more difficult.
Others say that the real key is to not moisturize excessively and to avoid products that contain ingredients like parabens, mineral oil, and artificial fragrances. Personally, I haven’t used lotion in years. I prefer to go the carrier oil route; they contain properties that are good for your skin, plus they are better at moisturizing your skin in a more beneficial way.
How I apply them is I put on my favorite carrier oil (currently, it’s plum oil) right after doing a final rinse in the shower. I let the oil penetrate my skin for a couple of minutes, and then I dry off. The moisture lasts all day, my skin feels super smooth, and I don’t have to worry about some random crazy products clogging up my pores.
Oh, and where does the scent come in? I have one bottle of plum oil that contains some of my favorite essential oils. Using that and then adding a bit of extra essential oil after? Chile, you will smell crazy good until the next time that you step foot into your tub!
5. Also, Put a Balm on Your Skin Before Adding Your Favorite Fragrance
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Speaking of sealing your skin, did you know that fragrance doesn’t hold up quite as well when it’s on dry skin? That’s why a backup to sealing is to put some sort of skin balm on your skin before applying your favorite smell-good. The moisture that it will provide can easily give you a couple of more hours in the scent longevity department.
6. Apply Your Favorite Fragrance onto Your Pulse Points
Listen, I’m all about making the most out of our pulse/pressure points. That’s why I once wrote “Feelin' On These Pressure Points Will Give You The Best Sex Of Your Life” for the platform. As far as fragrance application goes, because your pulse points are the warmest parts of your body, putting perfume, cologne, or essential oils on your wrists, your neck, in the creases of your elbows, behind your knees, and/or even right below your belly button, this is another way to get the most out of them — if you want the scent to be as strong as when you first put it on hours later.
7. Put Some “Smell Good” in Your Hair
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When it comes to what I personally do, I don’t leave the house without applying my favorite scent to my clothing and also on my hair. Now, I will say that since I use high-quality essential oils (more on that in a bit), I don’t have to worry about alcohol drying my strands out. However, if perfume is more your thing, you can still add it to your hair; you just might need to create a hair mist that contains some water and a carrier oil, too, so that you don’t end up damaging your hair (in the long run) as far as using your fragrance goes.
8. Believe It or Not: STOP RUBBING YOUR WRISTS TOGETHER
If you’re someone who applies your favorite scent and then immediately rubs your wrists together, it’s time to let that habit go. Although your wrists do qualify as being a pulse point, rubbing them together only weakens the scent of your smell-good. Plus, oftentimes, people do it before their perfume has any time to dry — i.e., penetrate their skin and that is super counterproductive.
9. Carry Some Scent-Filled Cotton Balls in Your Purse
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Here’s a hack that is a true winner, especially if you’re using a fragrance that isn’t the highest in quality. If you know that you’re going to be out for a while and you want your scent to remain as potent as when you first put it on, pour (or spray) some of it on a few cotton balls, place them in a small plastic bag and put them in your purse. Then, you can just reapply the scent whenever and wherever you want to. Brilliant!
10. Strongly Consider Going with Essential Oil(s) Instead
I kid you not — there is a certain essential oil combination that I’ve been wearing for years now, and there is not one day when I am out that someone will not compliment me on it. Not only that, but people will tell me that I “linger” even after walking away. Yeah, I don’t think anything can get me back to using perfume, especially since I know that quality essential oils are made of all-natural ingredients, the scent tends to last longer, I don’t have to break the bank to get them, I can have a ball layering the scents, and they come with their own proven health-related benefits.
For instance, there is science to back up that essential oils can improve your mood, make you more productive, enhance your quality of sleep, relieve physical tension, decrease stress levels, and make it easier to focus — all this, and they can make you smell absolutely divine too? Yeah, if you haven’t tried essential oils as a perfume or cologne alternative…ain’t no time like the present to give it a shot.
11. BONUS: Always Keep the Seasons in Mind
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Did you know that some fragrances work better in some seasons than others? For instance, when it’s hotter outside, the heat can cause lighter seasons to fade quicker. And during the cooler seasons, although scents don’t evaporate as much, drier skin can make some fragrances not as potent. This is why it’s a good idea to become a bit of an online student when it comes to seasonal scents.
Spring is great for citrus and floral smells. Summer is ideal for “airy” ones. Fall is good when it comes to earthy smells. Winter is all about intense and woodsy tones (think “fire”).
12. BONUS: Add Some Fragrance to Your Bedding Every Night
Hopefully, you bathe every day. Yet, who said that just because the day is over and you’re about to retire, you still can’t smell just as good as you did before the sun started to set? Adding fragrance to your bedding can also help you to smell wonderful, it can seriously entice whoever is in the bed with you, and, as we’ve already discussed, it can help you to catch a better level of zzz’s.
So, don’t forget to put a bit of it on your pillow and then relax — it could get something special started (cue Tony! Toni! Toné!’s “(Lay Your Head on My) Pillow” and then read what they had to say about the song here. You’re welcome). #wink
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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